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2009/05/08

I Never Do Anyone Twice

Once, yes, once would be nice
Twice though loses the spice
That’s why, take my advice
And never do anyone twice…

This is my paraphrased version of Stephen Sondhiem’s ‘I Never Do Anything Twice’. It is a cute little ditty about the dangers of revisiting an experience that once yielded pleasure, advising the listener that a return to the well will only yield diminished returns and risk tainting one’s memory of the first time.

Something experienced for the first time is infused with the nuances of anticipation, a lack of knowing, and a modicum of basic fear, that a second time around the merry-go-round can’t hope to duplicate. You can’t repeat a first time experience. You can repeat the experience, but it will end up being a different experience. Keep in mind that your memory banks stored the information garnered during that first time and that the knowledge gained will end up coloring and informing your second visit. It won’t be the same as your first time, because it isn’t your first time.

Some things are best left in the past. Some things don’t bear repeating. Usually this is because you didn’t enjoy it the first time. But what about those times you did enjoy? What about those times when it was absolutely magical?

There is no such thing as magic. Something can seem magical. But there is no magic. It comes down to circumstance, conditions, luck and skill.

This is very true of sex. Yes, the basic mechanics are always the same, but never underestimate the power of individual chemistry, good lighting, a coincidentally timed song or the power of a skilled lover. A combination of all four striking at the same moment will leave you breathless with bombs bursting in air. That mesh of energies and happenstance is potent. Once experienced, it is what makes the idea of sex as intoxicating as the act itself.

But just because lightening strikes once, I don’t think it is fair to assume that – even if circumstances and conditions remain exactly the same – that it will strike twice. So I have a general rule:

I never do anyone twice.

Yes, there are exceptions to the rule. A meeting of the minds and bodies or the possibility of some unexplored future pleasure will bring me back to the table. But in general, I avoid creating the familiar. It’s not that familiarity breeds contempt… it just bores me. I live for the spark of the new, the undiscovered, the unknown. A little fear is good for the libido.

So, I’ve avoided repeat business. Sometimes it’s because I wasn’t that thrilled the first time around and sometimes it’s because whatever happened was exceptional and I would hate to taint its memory. So I let it go. I let it live in my memory.

What? You think I have intimacy issues? Not so. I am more open with people than I perhaps should be. I love kissing. Physical intimacy is not an issue. Even emotional intimacy, with a strict understanding of its scope and shelf life, is a real turn on. Emotional intimacy makes for the best role play. But you can only have that if shared by two, self-aware adults. Immaturity and inexperience can render such play devastating.

Also: I have established intimate relationships. I have only so much room, time and energy for them. If I’m guilty of anything it’s knowing my limitations and compartmentalizing my life.

The latter is probably the reason that my life is not a complete success. I can’t multi-task. I also can’t synthesize. Synergy escapes me. I like everything separate. I love a good goulash, but my life cannot operate in such chaos. I tend to, through a process of elimination, eventually find a process that works for me; one that brings about the desired results with enough frequency and potency to make the execution of said process worth my while. So, while I must admit I am a little exacting and didactic about the pursuit of sex for pleasure’s sake, I also must confess that there is something much more organic to the whole procedure – something that escapes me and is probably frequently mistaken for magic. Sort of like making a good a hotdish; good, individual ingredients are mixed together and stew/bake side by side creating entirely new and original flavors. You can’t force it to happen, it just does. Or it doesn’t. But through process of trial and error you eventually find something that works on a consistent enough basis to be worthy of pursuit.

Well, via trial and error, I have learned that not having sex with someone more than once works well for me and my life. It’s also a great way to let someone down when they come knocking on your door wanting a repeat performance.

Are there exceptions? Yes. I currently have three guys I have happily visited multiple times and the relationships have been ongoing for more than two years each. They’re rewarding relationships. They aren’t relationships in the usual sense. We have sex. That is the extent of relationship. We get together, we have sex, we go home. Pleasantries are exchanged. We are witty, we flirt, we divulge, we orgasm, we go home. There are no strings. There are no expectations. It is what it is while it is and then… we go home.

Is it good sex? Usually. Or some kink that needs to be scratched on the parts of both parties (so-to-speak). There is some emotional connection. It is not forced. It is not out of desperation or need or lack of alternatives. It just happens. And while the mechanics and composition of each of these relationships could be dissected and discerned, I don’t see the value in doing so. To do so would breach the rules of common sense.

Sometimes I take the Wizard’s advice: I choose to ignore what’s going on behind the curtain.

Is it healthy? For me, yes. I make it work for me. It doesn’t work or make much sense to others. It’s easy to say I lack emotional depth or that I have intimacy issues or that I’m a sex addict. But I actually can counter and offer evidence to the contrary – at least in the first two issues raised.

I simply crave new experiences. There are parts of my life that tie me down. I can't move. I don't have a lot of freedom. I have a limited means to seek out those new experiences – so I grow where I’ve been planted. And until those activities have a negative impact on my life or cease to be pleasurable, I am more than happy to...


...never do anyone twice.

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