TMI: The Great Toilet Paper Debate

Wow.  Are we really going there?  Because if so, you are about to learn way more about me than you will ever want to know. 

And as I read your answers, I have a feeling I will know more about you than I care to, as well.

Bathroom habits are so... personal.  And how do we develop them?  Learned behavior? Adaptive behavior?  Association? Consequential?  Observational?

Ah, well.  That's what these questions are designed to do, right?  Shed a little light where no light should shine?  

TMI QUESTIONS:

Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information

Link: http://tmiquestions.blogspot.com

The Great Toilet Paper Debate

Toilet Paper: Over or Under?

Over, of course.  Under makes no sense; the leverage for the tear is all wrong and you can’t really see what you’re doing.   Also, if it clips it close to the roll back there, you have to touch the whole roll in order to get at it.  You can waste a lot of toilet paper this way.

I work with a bunch of engineers.  You think they would get the basic logic of ‘over’, but then things like coffee filters, how mail is delivered, and jammed copy machines tend to baffle them, so I should not be surprised. 

Maria, the wonderful woman who maintains our restrooms always does ‘over’.  We had a sub once and he did under.   When I see this, I take it on myself to change it.  Yep, there ought to be a law.   

Seat up or down?

Depends on what you’re doing.  Seat up to pee (though I prefer urinals).   Down for serious business.  And always leave the seat down, just in case a lady happens to have to use it.  (At work, I like to use the handicap bathroom because it has a lock on the door, so I always leave the place nice.)

At home?   Sometimes I sit to pee.  But again, I always leave the lid down just in case.

Who replaces the empty roll in your house?

Me. 

I tried to train the dogs to do it, but the toilet paper roll would get all soggy from being in their mouth and inevitably they would find that little dowel that the roll sits on too irresistible, assume it was a toy and run off with it.  After replacing the holder for the third time, I gave up.

What do you use if you run out of toilet paper at home?

I never run out of toilet paper.  I believe in zombies and the rise of Ted Nugent, so I tend to stockpile certain items like bottled water, canned beans, and toilet paper.  But, if I did run out, not a problem… my backpack has a cylinder of wet wipes that I carry with me for umm… recreational purposes (chance encounters).  So I would simply repurpose them, should zombies or Ted Nugent prevent me from getting to the local A&P in a timely manner.

Moist wipes?

See above.  You betcha.   I actually use them at work a lot, as I dislike the quality of the toilet paper (cheap, rough, shreds easily).

That said… I shave my ass every day or every other day, depending on how sexually active I am.  You would think this practice began as some sort of sexual or image preference, but no.  I simply got tired of spending a lot of time cleaning up in the bathroom.  Hair around your hole?  It looks hot in photos, but the reality has one using a lot of toilet paper to keep things clean back there.  And then you never really know just how clean those hairs are, now do you?  I used wet wipes for a bit, but ultimately decided that shaving was the way to go.  It takes all of three minutes to shave my ass (after the first time you do it – the first time?  OMG, it took forever to get it all). 

Do you or your lover leave the door open?

I never leave the door open, whether at a stranger’s house or when I have someone visit me, unless they want to watch me pee.  Douching is a very private thing for me, and not sexual.    

My basement bathroom has no door, but typically I’ve done all my business before my guest(s) arrive, so that is not an issue. 

When home, I leave the door open because I am there alone.  There are baby gates up to keep the dogs out of certain parts of the house.  And if I want total privacy, I simply use the bathroom in the basement.  I rather prefer that bathroom… more room, and I like the shower better.  It’s also brilliant white and there is something rather clinical about it that I like. 

Do you talk, text or use your laptop while sitting on the throne?

Never a laptop.  I never talk on the throne either… unless I’m at home stuck on the phone with someone who is talking non-stop for a long, long time and I suddenly have to pee.  That has happened.   Then I sit and void discretely.

And the cell phone?  If I’m hooking up with a trick and douching, I will keep the phone nearby to check to see if he’s cancelling or getting impatient (you know how those things go – they want you to magically appear on their doorstep within seconds of committing to a tryst).  And, at work, I would check Scruff or Grndr on occasion, but I just deleted those apps from my phone (along with all my on-line profiles on all sites), so that won’t be happening anymore. 

Have you ever discovered there was no toilet paper after you've gone in public restroom?

Nope. Just as I always look for the exit signs when entering a strange building,  I always check the TP situation before committing to a stall or handicap restroom.  And in the event that they are out, I have my backpack with me, so… wet wipes to the rescue.

By the way, just so you know… that backpack goes on the hook on the stall door, never on the floor.  Floors in public restrooms are a no-no.  Unless on your knees getting a little something-something from the dude(s) in the next stall(s).  (Yeah, I don’t do that anymore.)

Do you wait until you are alone in a public restroom?

This is why I will use the handicap restroom if it is available.  I don’t camp out in there, but I do like the lock on the door and the fact that it is private.  If a private restroom is not available, I will wait until no one is in the stall(s) next to me.  Something about the noises associated with defecating fill me with shame.  

At the gym, I wait for the locker room to be empty before sneaking into the stall, although I have no problem with peeing naked at the urinal in front of dudes.   

And speaking of urinals… everybody should check out those Youtube instructional videos on selecting urinals.  Picking the one next to me?  I hate that.  I like space, and am always amazed when a dude sidles up next to me when there is an open urinal a bit down the way.  Clueless bastards. 

Also, I used to get into fooling around in the restroom, showing hard, playing ‘grabbsies’, sneaking a peek, but have come to realize that public restrooms are not designed for these purposes and therefore are not sexual in nature.  (Who knew?)

In a public restroom, do you sit, squat or line the seat?

Wet wipes.  Lysol or Clorox wipes will take care of any issues.  I always look before I leap, too, as I hate nasty surprises. 

That said, I am not really all that germ-a-phobic.  A restroom has to be really bad before I will refuse to use it.  Feces smeared on the wall? Always a good indicator that things are not well in ‘Crap-a-lot’.  People who do shit like that (pun intended)?  I don’t get.  I mean, what the hell are you doing in there that THAT occurs? 

What, no bonus question? 

Okay, here is mine:  Pet peeves regarding public restrooms…

Why is the floor always wet?  Why does it never dry?  In what universe is this a constant state? 

How did that whole roll of toilet paper get soaking wet?  What was the person in there before you doing in there?  And why is it still in the holder?  Hypotheses?

Who puts their gum in the urinal?  Why do you think that is an appropriate place?

Paper towels or those blowers?  I like paper towels.  Those cloth roller things that always seem to be all used up and filthy?  Why do they make those?  Who thinks that is a good way to dry their hands?  I like the blowers, too by the way.  They come in handy when on the run and you need to rinse out a pair of underwear in the sink and dry them.   For drying my hands?  Not so much.

I miss graffiti on the walls.  I much prefer the old fashioned sexy/sick kind to the tagging (spray painted nonsense) that you see now.  No, SpROnk*, I do not care that at some point you used that stall before me (You are no Kilroy.), but write down your phone number, let me know what you’re into, and we’ll see what we can work out. 

Also… a lot of valuable art work has been wiped off the face of the earth by the custodians of the world.  I miss giant, rocket like penises and  ( * ) depictions of starry brown-eyes.   

And while I will probably not be looking for your truck in the parking lot, I kind of get a kick out of the fact that you are pimping your horny, ugly wife on the restroom wall.  Dear, custodians, please stop spray painting / scratching out such offerings.  I find them very entertaining.

What is it with liquid soap dispensers?  Why are there always giant pink pools of soap puddled all around the sink?  What are you doing with soap that THAT occurs?

Who kicks, bends, breaks stall doors?  Unless you are a policeman arresting a known terrorist, I don’t see any reason for such destructive behavior.  What are you doing in a restroom that THAT occurs?  Trafficking drugs?  Secret agent? 

Also?  What’s with dudes wiping and leaving their nose candy on the wall above the urinals?  Is that like a dog marking its territory?  A ‘Kilroy was here’ kind of move?

And if you pee or leave feces on the toilet seat?  What the hell is wrong with you?  That’s what the toilet paper is for... and you should lift the lid if you’re going to pee in there anyway… you lazy shit.

If you're one of those that insists on covering the toilet seat with toilet paper, please do the world a favor and flush it down when finished.  I don't want to touch toilet paper where your ass has been.

And flush the damn toilet.  Nobody wants to see your leavings, you freak.

And for God’s sake, wash your hands after you do your business.  Only total losers walk around with urine and feces on their hands. 

And if your diet is so wrong that you stink up the joint all the time?  Do the world a favor and bring some air freshener or use that Axe body spray crap in your wake.  Anything to cover up your stink, you animal.

*Sigh*

Yeah, I don’t like sharing restrooms, much.

( * )