TMI: Have You Ever Been Caught?
Sometimes the universe simply plops a real good challenge in your lap in order to test exactly how worthy an individual is of life.
These challenges can come in many forms, including, apparently, an innocent blog posting asking open-ended questions for the purpose of fun and entertainment.
Today, I pick up the gauntlet thrown down and meet this challenge.
For far too long now, I have been living a dual life; a life without harmony, a life without honesty or integrity. It took meeting a certain man for coffee, as described in my previous post, ‘A Great Thing Badly’ to wake me the fuck up. His purity spoke to something still alive within me and since that day I have made great strides in getting honest with myself, owning my destructive behavior, and making some changes for the better.
I’m not ready to share all of it... but this is as good a jumping off point as any.
So prepare yourselves for way too much information. I hope you won’t judge me too harshly or jump to any conclusions. We all have a journey in life. I guess I’m now ready to dig a little deeper and share a bit more about mine.
Yes, this 'Wonderland' is shattering…
Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information
TMI: Have You Ever Been Caught?
Umm. Is it a day of the week?
I’m a horrible liar… as in, highly skilled, rather clever, and habitual.
Yeah… amazing that I’m still single, huh?
I know I have been caught, but the amazing thing is, people tend to not want to accept the fact that they have been badly had by another, so I really don’t recall a time when I have been called out for it or when it was made into a big deal. It’s embarrassing, to be sure… not the lying, but the getting caught.
Yes, I’m very comfortable with lies.
I find them so much more interesting than the truth.
That said… I don’t lie when I write this blog. I have no reason to. You may think you know me, but not really; not any more than I know about you. I have only met one person who reads my blog and I don’t typically promote it by sending links to one-off tricks and the like.
Now, I may omit some facts, but all the stories I have shared here actually happened, pretty much as written. I don’t share all my stories, either.
Bad sex is not very interesting. It happens and I have touched upon it on this blog, but I haven’t dwelled on it, because it always feels like whining. And I work with a bunch of whiners, so why dwell on the negative?
Debbie Downer is a real dick killer.
But then, so is a habitual liar.
Yes. When I was in 4th grade I ate a tiny foil covered chocolate Easter egg right there in the aisle at the Ben Franklins. The manager caught me and told me he was calling the cops! I ran out of there as fast as I could. That was terrifying.
Yes. When I was in 8th grade, as a football manager, I got caught stealing quarters out of the swear jar by the head coach. I really wanted a spanking, but instead he just gave me that ‘oh-oh’ look. Sigh. His loss.
Yes. As an adult I have a horrible history of taking advantage of situations where no one is victimized, but I end up with free stuff. I’m working on defining better policies regarding this practice.
Hey, I’m a thief and a liar… but I still got ethics.
Never cheated on any kind of academic test. Faked my way through them, for sure. The first two years of college I wouldn’t go to classes, but would show up to take mid-terms and finals. I tell you, blue book tests were my favorite and some of the most creative writing I have ever produced was done under duress as the clock ticked down.
I only failed one class that way – French. The instructor met me at the door as I was waltzing in and said, ‘Oh, no, no, no, no, no’. I simply grinned and walked away.
Cheating on a lover? Yes. Caught once. A work friend and I were taking a shower together when my lover came home. Caught us naked and hard. You think that would have been the end to that relationship, but, oh, no… it went on for many more delightful, dysfunctional years. Some people will put up with a lot of my shit.
The work friend? He stopped talking to me and playing with me a year later when he broke up with his man. I made the mistake of trying to remain friends with both. Or… something. I’ve never learned what it was all about actually. I see him every summer at the prairie. He avoids me like the plague.
Could you blame him?
What? The salami?
I’m a very good ‘hider’. When in college I used to sleep all day on a lower shelf in the costume shop. It was cold in there in the winter, but I managed. People would come in on occasion and pick something up or iron or sew. I blended in with the material on the shelf and no one was ever the wiser.
I’ve caught many an eye that way. Typically their face will morph from ‘flattered interest’ to ‘oh, hell no’ in the blink of an eye.
That’s okay. I’m used to it. I’ll just keep looking…
Watching? I love to spy on dudes fucking in the woods or at the prairie. Some like you to watch and that kind of kills it for me. I guess I like the idea of getting away with something.
No surprise there, huh?
Ummm… I don’t do those kinds of drugs.
Did you mean peeking? Then, yes. I certainly have. The first glory hole I ever saw was when I was a kid. I had no idea why there was a hole in that stall wall. I’d just snuck away from my family, who was shopping at the mall, to go fire one off in the john. But there was that hole and someone in the next stall, so I had to take a look. Suddenly the man’s fingers came through the hole and I… shot out of that bathroom like bat out of hell.
Sigh. My loss.
So, this is a weird thing I do, and I know others do it, too. I have a brother-in-law who does it. When living with others, I sneak food from the refrigerator, jam it into my mouth with the door open, stuff as much in my mouth as I can and then put it back, close the door, and sneak away as quickly as possible, before anyone catches me.
Actually, I do this when I live alone, too.
It has something to do with not having enough food as a child, or always needing to be fed. I used to overeat (binge) to compensate, and still struggle with the idea that there is never going to be enough food and that I will lose out. This led to a series of weird eating disorder issues when I was in my twenties, when I subsisted on cigarettes, caffeine, and sugar – most of it pilfered. I was so busy rehearsing, auditioning, dancing, building sets, etc., I simply relied on whatever was lying about or what people would be willing to share.
It got very bad. My mother took me to buy a suit for a family portrait. I was in the changing room and she threw the curtain aside and caught me in my underwear. She gasped, had a fit, threatening to put me away somewhere if I didn’t start eating. I didn’t see the issue. But yeah, it got bad.
It got bad again in L.A. 1995, too. Sort of a relapse, I guess. Something else fairly traumatic was going on at the time, but it triggered that old behavior.
Fortunately, in both instances, I suddenly took an interest or a renewed interest in working out – which naturally made me want to eat real food.
Still… there is that small kid inside me that is afraid there will not be enough.
That’s why I NEVER go to buffets.
I sing all the time. Everywhere. Not very loud, unless I am working through a part and I want to see how it feels to flip it about.
I’m not a great singer. But I’m competent, studied, and loud.
Loud will get you cast in a lot of shows… mostly children’s shows, but hey… a gig is a gig. Ya, dig?
At this point I have no plans on ever singing in public again, though I may continue to write.
God, I hope not.
There was a cop who claimed to have me on his cruiser’s cam in his police vehicle. But, it turned out he was full of shit. Most vice cops are.
I sure hope none of my previous employers had cameras in my work stations. If they did, I don’t understand why I wasn’t fired sooner, or more often.
My current employer does have cameras – everywhere. Fortunately… I can spot them, so I know where all of them are. Even the ‘hidden’ ones.
Between a rock and a hard place?
I fell hiking the aqua duct system in Honolulu. If you’ve ever hiked it, you know what I’m talking about.
There was this section where to get to the other side you had to balance across this great divide on a decaying pipe of some kind (was it metal or clay?), right past a bunch of giant, hanging bees/hornets nests. It was a real ‘Indiana Jones’ moment. And scary fun.
I made it across. But moments later, stepped wrong and this rock broke away, I lost my balance and slid down into this weird crevice, scraping up my stomach something awful. My boot got wedged in there and I almost twisted my ankle.
Fortunately, I was hiking with my then ‘guru soul partner’. He helped me out. And retrieved my boot, too.
That hike was worth it, because on the downside there was this small waterfall with these lovely pools. My stomach hurt like hell, but it was so beautiful and so surreal – like something out of a movie – that I ignored the pain. Instead, we got naked and fucked.
Figuratively speaking? A rock and a hard place? That would be L.A. in 1995.
There was no waterfall at the end of that trek, children.
In the act?
Well, of course the above mentioned incident in the shower with the work friend.
And, well… yes.
I have been arrested.
More than once.
And, yes, it was traumatic and scarring and changed some of my behavior. Well, actually, the last time – that changed me forever, I think.
There will probably not be any more stories about me having sex in the great outdoors, kids. Unless it’s at an adult campground where that is allowed. As much as I have kind of promoted it on this site, getting caught having sex in the great outdoors is horrible.
The first two times it happened? Not a big deal. I was in a city where that stuff was a slap on the wrist.
But then I stumbled into the wrong county and things went very bad, very quickly.
It was homophobic. It was nasty. It was mean.
And that’s why, while I respect the work most police officers do, I also know firsthand that there are some men that really should never have passed that initial screening process. Them cops be cray-cray. And mean as fuck.
So, yeah, it was about as bad as I ever thought it could be. And horribly uncomfortable. And scary as shit.
It was also sort of the starting point for the recent breakthroughs I have been making – regarding my life, sex, and relationships. Yes, I am getting healthier.
What doesn’t kill us, makes us feel alive.
Yes, I continued to have sex outdoors this summer, but, as I mentioned, I’m in a different place now.
Oh, and how that whole last arrest ended up? Well, it was terrifying, what they threatened to do with me and I sweated it out for six months! Fortunately, I have a great lawyer who knows a thing or two. $300 later, I walked out of that courtroom a free man.
A free man who now constantly looks over his shoulder and steers clear of a certain county.
Yes, I was DAMN lucky.
So, yeah, kids. Sex in the woods? Looks good on paper, but there is a downside to it, too.
Like I always tell people – I am, if nothing else, a cautionary tale!
Stay tuned for updates. I may not be writing as often during this transitional period.