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Wonderland Burlesque’s ‘Turdscooter of the Week’: Archbishop John C. Nienstedt


Wonderland Burlesque’s 
‘Turdscooter of the Week’:
Archbishop John C. Nienstedt

Last week, John C. Nienstedt, Roman Catholic Archbishop of St. Paul and Minneapolis, went on a media blitz in order to save his job and neck, telling the world he won't be resigning his position, despite criticism over the mishandling of sexual abuse claims involving priests.

As part of his spin campaign, he offered up an apology to those victims; an apology that has been dismissed by victim advocates, including Barbara Dorris, the outreach director of the Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests, who responded: “He continues to pretend that his deliberately deceptive behavior — over years — is just well-intentioned laxness, when ample evidence shows that’s just not true. He has repeatedly and knowingly protected predators and endangered kids.”

And she’s not alone in that opinion:

Jeff Anderson, the Minnesota lawyer representing a number of victims of clergy sexual abuse around the country, said “This guy is every bit the center of a serious and longstanding problem,” and that the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis’ cover-up was “among the most grave we’ve ever encountered.”

Which is why, among other sins, that John C. Nienstedt is Wonderland Burlesque’s ‘Turdscooter of the Week’. 

Dear John,

As you know, I have had issues with the way you’ve handled your job for a number of years, dating back to the days when you spent over a million and a half dollars in support of banning gay marriage, here, in Minnesota. 

Let’s revisit your words at that time:

“Today many evil forces have set their sights on the dissolution of marriage and the debasing of family life. Sodomy, abortion, contraception, pornography, the redefinition of marriage, and the denial of objective truth are just some of the forces threatening the stability of our civilization. The source of these machinations is none other than the Father of Lies. Satan knows all too well the value that the family contributes to the fabric of a good solid society, as well as the future of God’s work on earth.”

A million and a half dollars, John - money that could have gone to help the poor, the hungry, the sick.  It was spent on mailing out a DVD full of misinformation, hate speech disguised as theology, self-justification, and manifestations of your misguided attempt to divide people. Your rhetoric actually called marriage equality the Devil's handiwork.

Your arrogance was on full display then, and, even though it’s spun in a softer manner these days, it remains your Achilles heel. I find your recent attempts to justify keeping your job self-serving and dishonest.

Claiming, now, that your efforts to ban gay marriage in Minnesota was nothing more than a desire, on your part, to preserve the rite as a heterosexual union and that, “it wasn't to put down people with same-sex attractions”, is nothing more than an attempt to rewrite history.

And, while I’m glad you finally admit that, “it is very clear that we did not handle all complaints the way we should have in the past”, I don’t believe for a moment that you “never knowingly covered up clergy sexual abuse.”   

John, all the polished spin in the world won’t make these ‘turds of truth’ vanish, nor will they erase the many skid marks you have left in the hallowed halls of the Catholic Church.

Given the current climate and circumstances, a wiser leader and man would realize that his continued presence in a leadership role in the church would do more harm than good.  A good leader and man would acknowledge his missteps, misdeeds, and mismanagement, and then step down. 

But you are neither a good nor wise leader or man, John.

“I have no doubt that my administrative and personal style, with its strong point of view, may have offended some. I apologize to those I have hurt. The last year has helped me realize I need to change my administrative style, soften my words, and get out from behind the desk to spend more time with the faithful. 

I have…, been too trusting of our internal process and not as hands-on as I could have been in matters of priest misconduct.” – Archbishop, John C. Nienstedt

Those sound like the words of a very flawed leader, John.

As to whether you’re gay or have engaged in sexual relations with other men?  I don’t care.  That’s your business.  If true, then you are a fraud, a hypocrite, and a self-hating homo.  I know you’ve denied these accusations, telling the Star Tribune, “I'm not gay,” but then you added, “And I'm not anti-gay” - something that your actions,  deeds, history, and past statements would seem to contradict. 

I don’t believe that an internal investigation, looking into the truth regarding “multiple allegations” accusing you of inappropriate sexual conduct with seminarians, priests and other men, as instigated by the archdiocese, will accomplish anything, other than spending more of the church’s money. 

The truth?  I don’t think you or your constituents are capable of recognizing it anymore.  And that’s why church members the world over a calling for resignation.  We no longer trust you, John.  And, at this point, your efforts to win back our trust are nothing more than a waste of your time and the church’s money.

So, do the right thing, John. 


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So, dear readers, because we all know that ain’t never gonna happen, please raise a loving cup of comeuppance as we salute deceiver, spin artist, and established homophobe, Archbishop John C. Nienstadt as Wonderland Burlesque’s ‘Turdscooter of the Week!

John?  It’s not too late to change your evil ways! 


And then, resign!

1 comment:

anne marie in philly said...

he looks like he enjoys a big cock! gotta watch out for these closeted ones who scream the loudest about "teh gays", cause they are covering up their own indiscretions!