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2009/01/16

Some changes gonna be made ‘round here…

I want to try something new. Maybe bringing a bit more of myself to this blogging thing. I’ve offered a lot of opinions about things other people have created, but haven’t really shared much about myself – save my first post about the bike accident. I also haven’t always had time to invest in writing much for this blog. I’m going to try to change both those things.

I will share more. Sometimes the stories I tell will be about me, sometimes about people I know or have known. I won’t be naming names… but I will relay events, albeit filtered through my biased recollection.

I haven’t made good choices in my life. Sometimes, yes – the good in me wins out and I end up doing the right thing. But all too frequently, it is for the wrong reason; my motivations are almost always suspect. I plan on owning up to that when it occurs, just as I plan on giving myself credit when credit is due (which isn’t as often as one would wish).

What’s inspired this change?

Well, for one thing, I stumbled back upon the blog that first inspired me to start my own blog. I was disappointed to learn that he had stopped posting things back in April of 2007 (mostly stories of his life as a gay man in Chicago mixed with the occasional creative writing exercise or gay-related news story). But then – life happens. We get distracted. We change. We evolve and suddenly what once were habits are… well, no longer viable habits. It’s like the journaling thing, which I did faithfully and fervently every day from 1982-1989 – and then I had my first ‘serious relationship’ and journaling took a back seat to walking the dogs, making dinner, cleaning the house and putting up with ‘my little cloud’s world of doom and gloom’. But more about that... later.

I’ve never picked up the habit of journaling again. I tried. But it never felt relevant or important enough to do. Maybe this will serve as a substitute.


Anyway… re-reading that blog – the one that inspired me to start this blog? It triggered something. What I really loved about his writing was the intimacy it invoked. He was (and I assume still is) a talented writer and I loved how his words washed across the screen. He shared dirty not-so-secrets and shone a light on the darker corners of a gay life and his own soul – nothing out of the ordinary – but very real.

I’ve never been very real. Not to myself. Not with others. I hedge my bets and mince my words. I spare feelings and tell myself lies so that I can get from one awkward moment to the next new beginning. I don't live my life, so much as navigate it. For me, it is all one big strategic miscalculation.

The stories I plan to tell are ones from the distant past and the recent past and those that are still becoming. Along the way, my personal philosophies will become more apparent and then you can decide whether or not this is a blog you want to bother reading – which is really not the reason I blog. I look at this as an outlet. And since I try my best not to be hung-up about outcomes - other people or their reading habits have never really mattered to me.

The writing has. The voice. Does that make this a selfish endeavor? Yep.

Am I okay with that? Probably.


I'll still be offering opinions about things on occasion. That won't change. But I do hope to share more often. Let's shoot for once a week...

So, what I hope to share is a more honest voice. That’s all. And I plan on sharing stories, or at least parts of stories. Little snapshots of my life, past and present.


Well, it all begins... somewhere.

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