Wonderland Burlesque's Let's Go To The Movies: An Absolute Disaster Edition, Part II

Wonderland Burlesque's

Let's Go To The Movies:

An Absolute Disaster Edition, Part II

Last week's Let's Go To The Movies was all about various modes of transportation and the terrible things that could happen. 

This week it's the elements and mother nature having their way.

Ah, there's nothing like the fury of a woman scorned.

--- ---

The Towering Inferno

"One tiny spark becomes a night of blazing suspense."

"The tallest building in the world is on fire. You are there with 294 other guests. There is no way down. There is no way out."

(My favorite disaster film.)

(Adore those big name head shots. That's glamor!)

(Look at that cast! Susan Blakely was gorgeous. Fred Astaire did a lovely turn as a con man who falls in love with an intended mark, he ends up with her cat. And, despite all the testosterone, Faye Dunaway steals the damn show merely being eye candy. As for Richard Chamberlain? Oh, you despise him by the end. One of his best performances.)

(As a kid, I adored this film. I actually saw it in the theatre. It was the glamor of the occasion. I fell in love with Faye Dunaway and her terrible synthetic gown. I bought the novelization of the movie and reenacted scenes from this one in the basement for years.)

--- ---

City On Fire

(Featuring disaster specialists Susan Clark, Shelly Winters, and Henry Fonda, who always had his name added last for some reason.)

"What happened to them, could happen to you... in any city, anywhere."

--- ---

Fire

"Another burning sensation from the producer of The Towering Inferno"

(Another burning sensation! Oh, no. Where, now? That doctor promised me that salve would take care of it!)

(Ernest Borgnine is on board this television movie disaster, along with Vera Miles, Patty Duke, and Donna Mills. )

--- ---

Earthquake 

"An event..."

(As opposed, to say... a movie?)

(Disaster heavyweights Charlton Heston, Ava Gardner, George Kennedy.)

(This was a huge success - in Sensurround - but the cracks in the formula were already starting to show.)

(The only other films to utilize Sensurround? Midway, Rollercoaster, a Star Wars documentary and several Battlestar Galactica offerings.)

--- ---

Avalanche

"A winter wonderland becomes a nightmare of destruction."

(Poor Mia Farrow climbed onto the bandwagon a little late in the game and with Roger Corman, no less. By the time she made her disaster debut, the genre was on the wane. Well, at least she had Rock Hudson on hand to shoulder some of the blame. This movie was panned like a trout.)

--- ---

Tidal Wave

"The ultimate disaster."

"Earthquakes shatter the nation. Cities become raging firestorms. But the worst is yet to come!"

(That description sells this film short. This is actually the very worst.)

(So this film, like a couple of the Godzilla movies, is actually a Japanese film with scenes of disaster specialist Lorne Greene spliced into it make it look as if he's part of the film. A terrible, cheap ass way of making a film, Roger Corman. But that logo? Nice ripoff job.)

"When this wave hits, millions will die!"

(Of boredom?)

--- ---

Flood

Sudden! Overpowering! Terrifying!

(Another Irwin Allen television program. He was slated to deliver six such features. 

This one has Robert Culp, Barbara Hershey, Carol Lynley and Roddy McDowell.)

--- ---

Hurricane

"An overwhelming passion that not even nature could destroy"

(This is Mia Farrow's other contribution to the genre. By the time it hit the theatres, the disaster film craze was dead. So....)

(...the marketing department quickly shifted gears and began pushing this as the new Blue Lagoon/Endless Love. Does that poster look familiar? Does it scream disaster film to you?)

--- ---

 

When Time Ran Out

"Caught in a game of power. Playing time: 24 hours. Prizes: untold wealth. Rules: none."

(Paul Newman and William Holden are back with The Deep's Jacqueline Bisset.)

(Expect Holden to pace about a room ramming his fist on a desk demanding stuff urgently.)

(Yes, time did indeed run out... for this genre.)

(Ernest Borgnine is also on board. Someone get that man a real job.)

(I think the stars fared better on this foreign market poster.)

--- ---

Meteor

"It's five miles wide... its coming at 30,000 m.p.h.... and there's no place on earth to hide!"

(Shades of movies to come (Armageddon, Deep Impact,) Natalie Wood and Sean Connery jump on board the bandwagon to little effect. Henry Fonda is also in there... added last, again.)

--- ---

The Swarm

"...is coming."

(And this, my dears, was the nail in the coffin that sealed this genre's fate... for a time. The notion of killer bees were all the rage, but by the time this bloated extravaganza zoomed into theatres, they were more myth than fact. The buzz on this one? It was a dud, D.O.A., despite an all-star cast that included disaster regulars Michael Caine, Patty Duke, and Lee Grant with a slumming Katherine Ross and Olivia De Haviland taking great umbrage.)

(See! Ripped from the previous year's headlines!)

(Poor Richard Chamberlain. I guess not even his closet could protect him from the swarm.)

(But don't worry. I hear he's used to having all sorts of things on his face.)

(I can't tell if Olivia is terrified of the bees or horrified that she's in this movie.)

--- ---

And that's all for today.

Tune in next week...

Same time, same channel.

Intermission Time!

Wonderland Burlesque's Let's Go To The Movies: An Absolute Disaster Edition, Part I

Wonderland Burlesque's 

Let's Go To The Movies

An Absolute Disaster Edition, Part I

For those expecting a list of the worst movies of all time? Sorry to disappoint.. or, ummm... wait a minute... Hold that thought.

We are talking about disaster films, here. And once Hollywood finds a goldmine, they work it until it's a hollowed out husk - like Irwin Allen's soul.

But, before we get underway, we need to complete our Disaster Film Checklist:

Something powerful we have no control over? Check.

A plot full of suspense, tiny melodramas, romantic assignations, and schmaltz? Check.

An all-star cast full of movie stars, familiar names, faces, personalities and has-beens? Check.

Yes, it looks like we're good for take-off. 

So, let's kick the tires and light the fires... for this special Absolute Disasters Edition of Wonderland Burlesque's Let's Go To The Movies!

All passengers boarding at gate one...

Airport

(This is the one that began it all - well, sort of. In actuality, Hollywood had been churning out this type of suspense thriller for a long time - and we'll eventually get to some of those epics. Airport is unique in that it actually combined such suspense thrillers with another type of film - the star-studded multi-story picture, like Grand Hotel, starring Greta Garbo.)  

"#1 - The number one novel of the year... now a motion picture!"

(Wait! They turned a book into a movie? Say it isn't so!)

(The formula for these 'travel' disaster films is quite simple. They spend the first twenty minutes of the story demonstrating how glamorous travel is, while introducing us to members of the all-star cast. Then we start to get a hint of the fate that awaits this little trapped community. Then, in the next fifteen minutes the individual melodramas begin to play out - all interrupted by the cataclysmic event, which is the purpose of the film. From that point on the focus is on the peril at hand and once that is resolved, so are all of the mini melodramas - for it turns out that such near-death experiences make us all better people. And those that aren't good people? Oh, yeah - they die painful deaths thanks to the cataclysmic event. Disaster films are incredibly righteous - there are no moral dilemmas flood, fire, or an upside down luxury cruiser can't put right.)

--- ---

Airport 1975

"Something hit us... the crew is dead... help us, please, please help us!"

"New screen excitement inspired by the novel Airport by Arthur Hailey."

(This is a personal favorite. Oh, you can keep Linda Blair and Helen Reddy - the real fun is watching Karen Black's eyes try to escape her head once the shit hits the fan. Add Gloria Swanson playing herself and Myrna Loy - who drinks a little - and the giggle factor just keeps rising.)

"An all new movie inspired by the film Airport based on the novel by Arthur Hailey."

(Note how they need to stress over and over that this is a 'new' film, with a 'new' plot. And it worked. This one did boffo at the boxoffice - which only encouraged more 'new' films cast from the same old mold.)

--- ---

Airport '77

"All new - bigger, more exciting than Airport 1975."

"Flight 23 crashes in Bermuda triangle... Passengers alive, trapped underwater..."

(Think: The Poseidon Adventure meets the Airport franchise. Yes, they jump the literal shark with this one. A sharper-than-ever Lee Grant and a pre-wheezy Brenda Vaccaro are on hand, along with Jack Lemmon and a slumming James Stewart. Olivia De Haviland and Joseph Cotton, who last appeared together in Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte, also grace the portals of this air and sea hybrid.)

--- ---

The Concorde - Airport '79

"At twice the speed of sound, can the Concorde evade attack?"

(Why quit while you're falling behind? The invention of the Concorde promised new glamor and excitement, but failed to deliver at the box office. It successfully killed off this franchise, despite the ever-present George Kennedy. Of course, by this time the polish had worn off this apple, leading the most sought after actors to resist biting. Instead, we're handed an international cast and the likes of Susan Blakely, Robert Wagner, Eddie Albert, and Martha Raye. Jimmy Walker and Avery Schreiber are brought on board for comic relief with Mercedes Cambridge providing the only real old-Hollywood glamor.) 

 

"At twice the speed of sound, can the Concorde outrace disaster?"

(You know its got to be a great motion picture when Martha Raye is on board! I wonder if The Bugaloos make an appearance, too?)

Airport '80 - The Concorde

(Seems the producer's couldn't quite make up their minds what year this actually was supposed to have happened. And it's too bad they ended the franchise with this one. The next one? They could have introduced time travel!)

--- ---

Concorde Affaire '79

(Wow. Talk about a bottom-feeding affair. You've got to be pretty hard up to do a rip-off version of a film that wasn't exactly a winner. Oh, but I bet the disco inspired music of Roger Deodato makes sitting through this also-ran totally worthwhile. This must have been an Italian production. I say that because of the presence and prominence of Mimsy Farmer.)

--- ---

Skyjacked

"This is your captain... We have a hi-jacker on board. His identity is unknown."

"It could be anyone."

(A hallmark of the marketing for these films? All those tiny headshots of the stars. It's fun to see who makes the cut and who doesn't when it comes to billing. Susan Dey manages to get a headshot, but fails to get actual billing. Nice to see Rosie Grier and Leslie Uggams, especially in light of the fact that the franchise which this is ripping-off never featured a single black performer in a non-comedic role.)

(A really great graphic!)

"One of these people is a maniac with a bomb."

"All of them are being..."

(Based on what I read about this one, the main reason to watch it is for the totally unhinged performance of Barbra Streisand's future husband, James Brolin. Oh, I do love me a bit of scenery chewing!)

--- ---

The Hindenburg

"The truth at last? Who destroyed The Hindenburg?" 

"Of the 97 aboard, eight had a motive, one had a plot. By some miracle 62 survived."

(We're still in the sky, albeit in a very different craft with some very heavy history attached.  The cast is rather heavy on the B-side of stardom, anchored by two huge names. I'd watch this for Anne Bancroft. Honestly? Not much of a George C. Scott fan. He acts like he's always chewing a cigar.)

--- ---

The Poseidon Adventure

"One of the greatest escape adventures ever!"

"Hell, upside down."

(And now we take to the sea! This was a glamorous affair that appealed to imaginations the world over. With an Oscar-winning song (The Morning After - Maureen McGovern) and a hoot of a performance by a got-no-fucks-to-give Shelley Winters, this picture broke big, quickly becoming part of our cultural subconscious. I've never seen the actual movie, but I remember seeing the television commercials as a child and had read enough about it that I would act it out in my basement over and over again.)

"At midnight on New Year's Eve the S.S. Poseidon was struck by a 90 foot tidal wave and capsized!"

"Who will survive - in one of the greatest escape adventures ever!"

(The glamor quotient on this one cannot be underestimated. New Year's Eve on a luxury liner in the Mediterranean. Capsized by a freak 150 foot wave! Just think of all the polyester gowns and cheap tuxes that got laid to waste.)

--- ---

Beyond The Poseidon Adventure

"Before her fate is sealed by the deep, the superliner Poseidon will reveal one last secret..."

"The greatest adventure story every filmed... is not yet over."

(And yet it was - over. Irwin Allen couldn't resist going for another cash grab, milking this hoped-for franchise. Thankfully, the world said, 'no thanks.'  Michael Caine and Sally Field do their best to breathe life into this one, while Shirley Jones and Slim Pickens split the duties assigned previously to Shelley Winters. The bright spot? A sexy as ever Telly Savalas chewing the scenery. Oh. What I wouldn't give for a mere 20 minutes with that man naked!)

--- ---

"Juggernaut"

"The greatest sea adventure in history has just begun!"

"You will pay me 1 1/2 million dollars by dawn or the world's greatest luxury liner will rip open like a can of sardines and 1200 men, women, and children will die. Good day. - Juggernaut"

 (If something's successful, you can bet the other studios are going to want to cash-in, too. Hence the existence of "Juggernaut" - why the quotes? This is a sausage fest with some big name actors and Shirley Knight, who is also in Beyond The Poseidon Adventure.)

--- ---

The Cassandra Crossing

At noon on October 25th , the Transcontinental Express left Geneva Station with almost one thousand people on board. Their destination: Basel, Pairs, Brussels, Amsterdam, Copenhagen and Stockholm."

"No one arrived."

(Love that tagline ending! Chilling. This may well be the only disaster film to feature a train and the train actually isn't the main provider of suspense. It seems this has more to do with some sort of contagion that threatens to wipe out mankind. Still... there's a train and an all-star cast, headed up by Sophia Loren and Richard Harris. It also features disaster film regulars Ava Gardner, Burt Lancaster and (as if things weren't scary enough) O.J. Simpson.) 

--- ---

Rollercoaster

"Rollercoaster is a suspense melodrama of the sort that Alfred Hitchcock does best. - Vincent Canby - New York Times"

(I know that's meant to sound like an endorsement, but it is so-not. I'm fairly sure the next line in the review was something like... 'And director James Goldstone should leave it that way.' This turkey helped pop out the little plastic button that says this whole genre was done. Oh, we have yet to touch upon the actual killer (stay tuned,) but this one was royally roasted as squeezing some of the last drops of blood the genre possessed. It would be a decade and a half before such all-star vehicles would return to the big screen with such force.) 

"Watch out for the man watching the..."

(I just wish Linda Blair had been in this one, so then she could have been in both Rollercoaster and Roller Disco - which, from what I hear, is a disaster film on a whole 'nother plane!)

--- ---

What? We didn't touch on your favorite disaster film? 

Don't worry. That's what sequels are for!

Next week: disasters brought to you by the elements and mother nature!

That's all for now.

Tune in next week...

Same time, same channel.

It's Intermission Time!

TMI Questions: It’s the Apocalypse!

I have long loved disaster movies.  Irwin Allen was a master chef and I ate at his table frequently. Just the thought, the thrill, the drama.  So, this week's TMI Questions are right up my alley.

TMI QUESTIONS

Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information

Link: http://tmiquestions.blogspot.com/

It’s the Apocalypse!

Have you lived through a natural disaster?

Tornadoes in North Minneapolis, May 22^nd, 2011 - Devastated many neighborhoods.  My LLC owns eight homes in North Minneapolis and not a single bit of damage on any of them!  Huge trees toppled right next door to them. Homes were demolished, many rendered unlivable.  But ours scathed through untouched.  A giant mystery to me; I was very, very fortunate.  

What did I do during the storm?  Unbelievably, I slept.  Had no idea until the next day.

And more recently the horrendous storms, June 22^nd:  tons of trees down.  Again, my corner of the world spared while a block away, trees were ripped out of the ground, causing lots of damage. I hope my luck holds.  I think, with global warming, or perhaps, this time in the evolution of the earth, we can expect a lot more bizarre, deadly weather.

I survived the Halloween Blizzard of 1991.  It was so cool.  I was living in this mostly empty three story house, where I would hold rehearsals and throw crazy parties.  I had friends who came for a visit.  They owned a Yugo!  They ended up having to stay overnight and the next morning the Yugo was completely buried in snow.  We had to dig down to find it.  It was surreal.

And the biggest natural (as far as we know) disaster that I ever survived was the AIDS crisis: Fuck you, Ronald Regan and George Bush, and all the others that stood in the way, or turned a blind eye as thousands perished.   You were all cowards and should have been brought up on charges of genocide.   Your inaction was criminal and despicable.

Which natural disasters could occur where you live?

Tornados and Blizzards.

And zombies.  I live quite close to a huge cemetery.  (What?  Zombies could rise due to natural elements.  At least, it would seem very natural to me.)

Space invasions.

Viruses.

Oh, and if the sun dies or a giant meteor started coming toward earth.

And Tom Emmer taking Michele Bachmann’s seat in the House of Representatives – very scary, Mary.

Which natural disaster would scare you the most?

Wildfires. 

Fire scares me (I am Frankenstein), as it is so unpredictable.   The idea of dying in a fire breaks my heart.  I would just pray that the carbon monoxide would knock me out first, so that I wouldn’t know what was happening and wouldn’t feel any pain. 

Also, the idea of my dogs being trapped or me being unable to rescue them terrifies me.  If that happened, and they perished, I’d be one of those people who would either clam up and never speak another word or one of those that howl it out like a banshee.

That said, ‘The Towering Inferno’ is one of my all-time favorite bad movies.  All those rich, rich people, in bad tuxes and polyester evening wear burning up.  Delicious fun.  Also the original ‘Poseidon Adventure’.   Nothing makes a disaster more elegant than the right 1970’s evening gown.

What kind of preparations have you taken to survive the next one?

I live in a house with a steel beam.  It was built in 1952, probably as a bunker.  Yes, I already know exactly where to hide when the zombies come (no, I am not telling you).

I have tons of bottled water in the trunk of my car.

I have a well-stocked pantry, which I actually monitor from time to time with the thought of survival in mind.

I like the idea of surviving, but in practical terms, I would probably wuss out and swallow a handful of Ambien (after my dogs were gone).  Rather that, than risk being eaten by a zombie or controlled by Ted Nugent.

Which disaster, natural or manmade, do you fear the most?

Theatre.  Musical Theatre, in particular.  Oh, the horror.

I have survived two such self-made manmade disasters.  Both on a scale of epic ego-inflated, delusional grandeur. 

First was a production of ‘Piaf’ in the mid-haties, which I managed to squeeze all the humor out of by inflating it to a three hour production – complete with a ‘mourning bride’ who danced about supplying the little sparrow with heroin, lots of white pancake, a set constructed from shipping crates and lots of weird ‘Bob Fosse’ moments, a la ‘All That Jazz’.  As if that were not enough, I also felt that Piaf’s own music was not enough and added a bunch of Elton John songs (‘We All Fall In Love Sometimes’, ‘Idol’, and ‘Cage the Songbird’) because… I wanted to! (WTF?)

Needless to say, the actress playing Piaf had a breakdown during dress rehearsals and I had to toss out a number of her songs to relieve some pressure.  She got RAVE reviews and my direction got the stink-eye.  The run went on for what seemed like forever.  By the final week, the cast was starting to have way too much fun on-stage at the production’s expense, as I sat in the light booth staring at the stage mumbling, “Die already.  Why won’t you die?”

The second? A musical I wrote. I decided I would take the high road and hire everybody to do everything and just play producer. Ticket sales were great.  I was promoting the hell out of the thing. But the production proved to be a complete and utter disaster: four actresses who fought viciously with one another throughout, a director who did NOTHING, a musical director with a tin ear and a thing for marching tempos, a music producer who wasted a thousand dollars of studio time producing absolutely nothing I could use, and a costumer who could not sew and eventually just pulled things from people’s closets.  The set however was fabulous – giant martini glass graphics, lots of neon, backlit multi-colored liquor bottles – very clever stuff.  

I died a million deaths throughout final dress rehearsals.  Then I made the mistake of giving the preview audiences comment cards.  Let’s just say ‘worst musical ever written’ came up a lot, seconded by ‘you suck Marvin Hamlisch’s balls’. In other words, I got off easy.  My bank account and reputation?  Not so much.

The other manmade disaster I fear?  The world according to Ted Nugent  or ‘DoucheWorld’ as it shall hereby be known.  The only hunting I am in favor of is that of nutbag celebrities (looking in your direction Victoria Jackson).

Which manmade apocalypse do you think is most likely?

Nukes – Kaboom! 

It will come in the form of a nuclear meltdown at some plant in Florida or Russia (You know, those neglected, poorly-managed places).   Or in the form of nuclear warheads at the hand of some crazed dictator (looking in your direction, Korea).  We will all die painfully, with our skin sliding off.  Especially Ted Nugent.

Zombies, aliens, asteroids, plague, ice age or ‘?’  Survival is possible: What will you do?

I’m not a joiner.  So I will be keeping as low a profile as possible. Mostly hiding in my basement.  Though I may go work/volunteer at an animal shelter.    

I will steal everything in sight.  I am a natural scavenger.  Born with it.  Can’t help it. Actually enjoy it.  But I am a scavenger - not a survivalist, not a hunter.  So, unless there is something left to live off of, I will probably die.   (And good riddance!) 

Ever see ‘Night of the Comet’?  If you haven’t, do.  That’s what I would do.

Describe the apocalypse, natural or manmade, real or fictional, you'd choose to end all life as we know it.

A virus that causes terminal silliness. 

The first afflicted would be all the financial barons of the world, those blowhards of the Christian Right, all politicians, and all news pundits.   I would love to see what new heights of silliness could be achieved.  I would like to think that silliness could save the world. 

I would like to live and die in a world where Russell Brand is rendered redundant.    

In one month the world will end.  How do you spend it?

Dancing.  Alone in my living room.  Mostly to Peggy Lee singing ‘Is That All There Is?’ and ‘Dancing in the Dark’ from ‘Bandwagon’

I’d listen to music constantly.  Playing all my favorite songs one last time.

I’d want to walk in the woods, unless that wasn’t possible.

If we could be outside, without fear of zombies, or melting, or being eaten, then I would go to the prairie and lie naked in the grass and stare at the sky.   I’d take a picnic.

If the end were certain, I would stay off the internet, stop taking calls, stop watching television.

I would play the piano – but things others have written.

I’d walk the dogs and cherish them and give them all the treats they wanted.

I might visit the Walker Art Center, ponder the art, and wonder what it all meant.

I might travel to Simi Valley, California and take a giant dump on Ronald Regan’s grave.

And on that final day… I’d consider taking a couple of sleeping pills to let it all happen without me, but most likely I would wait to see if it was really all over, so I would know how it really ends.  As much as I dislike endings, I also think they are an essential part of living and, especially in this case, dying.  

Bonus

Have you ever had a sexual experience that you'd classify as the end of world? Was it a good end or bad?

It was the end of the world as I knew it. 

I didn’t always recognize it as such at the time.  But the last time you make love to someone that you truly care about and then that relationship comes to an end?   In hindsight, that moment becomes the last breath. 

There have been only two relationships that I did not want to end, to the point that I put them on life support for a full six months.  Needless to say, they didn’t make it.

The rest? 

I smothered with a pillow and never looked back.

And now: here’s some timeless, haunting songs - ones that I would be playing more than once before the end of days.

Videos for the End of the World

End of the World by Matt Alber

Is That All There Is by Peggy Lee

Dancing In the Dark from ‘Bandwagon’

Let’s Go Out Tonight by Craig Armstrong

Lullaby by Billie Joel

 

Lost by Annie Lennox

 End of the World by Skeeter Davis