Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle Room: Pop Music Reviews for the Dawning of Summer

There is finally some wiggle room in the Top Ten this week, with some new fodder pushing its way up the charts.   No, there isn’t anything to get too excited about yet, but here’s hoping – the summer is still in the fetal stage.

There is a country song (that actually sounds like a country song) that has been floating just outside the Top 40 which gets a big thumbs up from yours truly.  Too bad it’s been playing lady in waiting so long that I highly doubt it will ever get to enter the throne room.  A pity, given its powerful message.  But then, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of room on the radio or the charts for songs with a message – but misogyny?  Oh, yeah… that’s a first class ticket right to the top, homey.

Feelin' Myself

will.i.am Featuring Miley Cyrus, French Montana, Wiz Khalifa & DJ Mustard

There is nothing fun, original, uplifting or very interesting going here, despite all the collaborators.  Typically, will.i.am can be counted on to bring it to the dance floor, but these beats are so played out that not even liberal use of the ‘F’ bomb can elicit anything approaching a reaction.  As for Miley – well, apparently ‘she a rapper’ now.  In the vid for this she’s dressed like any number of faceless strippers and mouthing stuff that demonstrates that the lass is tardy for the party.  Not her fault, but somebody better start nudging her in a direction that is actually relevant, because this stuff is dire.

Love Never Felt So Good

Michael Jackson & Justin Timberlake

My first impression:  Michael sounds like he has a head cold.  His vocals are throaty and thick with a plugged nasal cavity.  But, I guess that’s to be expected.  This is a one of those posthumous releases, typically songs that would never see the light of day if the artist was still alive and had veto power. 

As songs go, it’s a nice slice of 70’s soul pop that coasts by with a breezy beat and a plethora of accents via strings, synths, horns and the rhythm section.  It’s pleasant enough insubstantial fare.  Justin sounds fine.  It debuted at #20 on The Billboard Hot 100, marking Mr. Jackson’s return to the charts.  

It could get some radio play.  It’s certainly uplifting enough, like much of Mr. Timberlake’s recent hits.  But the taint that shadows such releases render them typically viewed as little more than a novelty record.  Time will tell. (P.S. it survived a second week in the Top 40)

Bad Blood

Bastille

This one is powered by the same silly battle cry that filled out their hit, ‘Pompeii’.  Maybe this will be a hit, but I doubt it.  It doesn’t pack the same punch; maybe because there is less going on in this one, maybe because the production is less layered, less dense.  One thing is clear: Folks are gaga for this group.  And I don’t get it.  They aren’t nearly as innovative as .fun, the hot group last season.  But it is pleasant enough pop.  So, as air filler, it works fine.  Eh.

Birthday

Katy Perry

Perry’s latest finds her treading familiar water.  It’s radio friendly and inoffensive, but brings absolutely nothing to table. I can’t even say that it’s clever, something that used to sell even the weakest of her material.  Such as it is, this one plugs a marketing need for an artist like Perry – a song that will be played at birthday parties!  Yay.  Eternal royalties.  It’s nice pop, but like most of her latest CD, ‘Prism’, it feels uninspired and a tad tired.  When she breathes / coos “Happy Birthday” just before the big build up bridge, I honestly can’t tell if she’s trying to be sexy, or if she’s simply so tired of all this that she could give a rat’s ass, too.

Beachin'

Jake Owen

Do you remember that ‘spoken word verse / sung chorus’ song, ‘Lullaby’ by Shawn Mullins.  Yeah, well this one pretty much has that same feel, but without the uplift.  Nor is it very revelatory or interesting – qualities that could be found in Mr. Mullin’s offering.  ‘Beachin’, of course, is a lot more upbeat, riding on that modern country sheen that has absolutely nothing to do with country music. 

This is a generational thing – as in, marketing experts have determined, yadda, yadda.  Yep, gotta rake in that twenty-something cash. 

This feels lazy and calculated at the same time.  What it’s not, is charming, which a song like this needs to be in order to get my toes a’ tapping.  That said, expect this to be a big hit this summer.  Oh, yeah…

Automatic

Miranda Lambert

OMG!  How can anyone NOT like this song?  I love the message.  Yes, if things are simply handed to us, we tend not to really form any sensory attachments.  And I do remember listening to and recording songs off of the radio on an old cassette player because I couldn’t afford to buy them.  Yes, the inclusion of the pick-up truck stuff feels obligatory, but then I don’t think a country song that does not mention one gets any airplay these days.  And, okay, the production ends up going all ‘U2’ like by the end, with those thick chorded echo guitars, but the song is, at its core, simple and sweet; like the best of real country music.  Thank you, Miranda!

You & I

One Direction

This group and its handlers continue to astound me by serving up nostalgic sounding adult contemporary fare coming out of the mouths of tween heart throbs.  It’s like they want to appeal to both girls and their mothers.  ‘You & I’ sounds like a big ‘bic lighter in the air’ arena power ballad and hits all the marks, recalling the time when hair metal bands went all outlaw, changing tactics and raking in an addition five minutes by mewling some crappy emotional plea in the form of a song that would appeal to all the babes.  Sung by someone over the age of thirty, this song might make sense (think Richard Marx), but One Direction?  It’s like listening to wrong sounding Muppets.

Am I Wrong

Nico & Vinz

This is three-quarters The Outfield (remember them?), and one-fourth Sting, which means it ends up reminding me a lot of Martin Paige and some of the sludge that occupied the charts and dominated the play lists of stations like Cities 97 during the mid-90’s.  Yeah, this one will be ‘that’ song – the one everybody remembers as a feel-good moment, but can’t remember anything about the artist(s) who created it.  This one is too reminiscent of too many other things to have much impact on my psyche, but it is getting plenty of airplay.  And I get the feeling – and I could be very wrong – that this one should be filed under ‘one hit wonders’.

Rude

MAGIC!

Save me from white boys playing reggae.  Now when The Police did it, it was an incorporation of the sound and vibe, because they also had the whole punkish/new wave thing going on, right?  MAGIC! (?) has little else going on, so this simply ends up feeling rather lackluster.  It’s currently scaling the charts at a rapid rate, which goes to only prove that people are so hungry for anything that doesn’t sound like everything else that they will glom onto second-rate hotel bands like these schleps peddling something that has been done much better much more interestingly before. Ugh.  

Bombs Away

Gia

Hmmm.  No diva vocals here, which is a bit of a disappointment given the song’s titular promise.  Gia’s voice is pleasant and slight with the familiar click track that anchors the first minute of this song building to the inevitable uttering of the song’s title. It lands flat, leaving one feeling a tad under-whelmed, for there is no explosion.  Even the battalion of synths that surge forth, serving as the song’s chorus a la Calvin Harris’ ‘Summer’, fail to ignite this one.  Maybe there are better mixes, but I don’t really feel there’s enough meat here to warrant any gravy.  That bums me out, especially in light of how quickly this one is climbing the Club Play chart.

Wiggle

Jason Derulo Featuring Snoop Dogg

“You know what to do with that big fat butt!” declares Mr. Derulo.  Oh, then “Patty cake, patty cake, with no hands…”  Yeah, this is not rocket science.  But it’s also not something I expected from this artist, and I say that, having endured a spring full of his recent hit, ‘Talk Dirty to Me’. 

Apparently, misogyny is now a rite of passage for young pop stars.  I keep looking at the lyrics video for this song and have to keep hitting the pause button, because the depth of hetero male stupidity on display is so inept, clumsy, and  cringe-inducing, it’s like watching your nerdy best friend ‘get some’ for the first time on prom night.

Oh, man.  Of course it’s going to be a big hit.  Sonically, it does manage to change things up enough and possess enough texture to keep my ear interested, but oh, those lyrics.  Makes Robin Thicke seem like Shakespeare. 

March Blandness: A Pop Music Round Up

Here we are, at the beginning of the great thaw.  Unfortunately the charts and the airwaves seem frozen (in more ways than one)  and there are so many songs currently in high rotation on the radio that I never want to hear again.  But that doesn’t seem ready to change any time soon.  Sadly, among the list of new contenders, I’m not seeing anything that’s powerful enough to loosen up the current Top 40, which has been running fairly stagnant for the past three-four weeks.

Still, just as we, stuck in the final throes of winter, thirst for spring, we must continue to hope that a similar metamorphosis will come to pop radio.  Here’s a quick look at some holdovers from the winter months and a few of the new challengers to the throne. 

Magic – Coldplay

Coldplay continues on its quest to distinguish itself from U2 by co-opting the musical ideas of others.  Joe Jackson’s representatives might want to take a closer listen to this one; I keep expecting it to morph into ‘Breaking Us In Two’. That said, all that Chris Martin ‘dunno’ comes as no surprise to those who hate this band.  Those detractors will be filled with a great sense of self-satisfaction as this one, after having debuted at #24 this week, fades away like all it’s rather personality deprived predecessors.

Not A Bad Thing – Justin Timberlake

Not bad at all, in fact, I like this.  Yes, it’s yet another homage to whatever MTV influenced  R&B  helped form Justin’s earliest musical references, but that’s a very rich mine to work.  And Justin always brings something of himself and modern technology to the table, so even though it seems we have heard this all before, there’s a charm and a warmth that folds in on itself like melting butter and keeps me coming back for more.

Na Na – Trey Songz

Like Lorde, I’m getting tired of being told to throw my hands up in the air, which is exactly what Trey Songz repeatedly tells us to do throughout this song.  This song is built on a big fat solid bottom, but that’s not enough to propel it from it’s rut of mediocrity.  The problem lies in the lyrics and the subject of ‘Na Na’ – which seems to be both a source of great potential sexual satisfaction and free-floating anxiety for Mr. Songz.  Not a great combination, and while this one is currently threatening to break into the Top 40, I don’t think it has what it takes to worm it’s way onto the high rotation list.

Human – Christina Perri

I thought this broke into the Top 40, but no, it is stuck, lost in the fifties.  That seems a shame, as this is a pretty damn good song - well written - and getting a decent amount of airplay.  Perri is one of those songwriters who has a tendency to write the kind of lyrics typically found in the spiral notebooks of girls in Junior High, however this one is a tad better than that and boasts enough drama to keep the most jaded listener’s ears perked. She has matured as a vocalists, as well, which makes me take her a bit more seriously as an artist.  This song, along with 'A Thousand Years' pretty much makes up for that horrible 'Jar of Hearts' song she foisted on us at the beginning of her career. 

On Top of the World – Imagine Dragons

Who are these guys?  Arena rockers?  Prog Rock Wannabes?  Jangly Upbeat Platitude Salesmen?  The more I hear from them, the less of an identity they seem to possess.  Like a few other technically accomplished groups (Maroon Five, Train) their sole purpose of existence seems to be chasing the Top 40; not a bad thing, but it does tend to cause the sonic van to drive all over the road.  This one finds Imagine Dragons taking on the kind of pop currently in fashion thanks to the likes of fun. and Bastille, complete with tribal sounding accents, DIY hand claps, a whistling fife,  and an ingenuous folksy sheen.  It’s nice enough, but completely void of any real nutrition.  Give me ‘Radioactive’ any day.  This one is way too ‘Up With People’ for my taste.

Let Her Go – Passenger

I never want to hear this song again.  The vocals are fey and irritating, the lyrics simplistic and illogical.  I find this kind of stuff annoying – the same way I felt about ‘Shannon’ by Henry Gross back in the day.  This one is pretty and has a kind of adolescent sense of drama to it, which, apparently, is enough to keep you on the charts for 32 weeks. And while we’re on the subject…

A List of Songs I am Currently Tired of Hearing

Say Something – Great Big World

Team – Lorde

Pompeii - Bastille

Let Her Go – Passenger

Hey, Brother – Avicci

Wake Me Up! - Avicci

Counting Stars – OneRepublic

Timber – Pitbull feat. Ke$ha

Story of My Life – One Direction

Keep in mind, I liked a couple of these songs at one time, but hearing the same shit over and over again?  Typically that leads to insanity or murder.

Take Me Home – Cash Cash feat. Bebe Rexha

Bebe Rexha suffers from a strange vocal affectation I call ‘cupie doll tight mouth’.  It’s a tad distracting, but nothing that threatens to derail this rather pleasant if unoriginal dance floor thumper.  It bounces by with the kind of clubby anonymity that makes it perfect filler material for DJ’s.  It possesses nothing new, merely an upbeat yearning sweetness which is very Zedd.

19 You + Me - Dan + Shay

Ugh.  God save me from dreck like this. Yes, I realize I am not its ‘target demographic’, but the fact that it has one should be enough to require this song come with a warning label.  You know, the same way those rubbery, brilliantly orange squares made of whipped, heated oil must be labeled ‘cheese product’.  Actually, that would be an apt label for this single as well.  Produced to a high sheen, it hits all the most predictable apexes, making all those Taylor Swift devotees twitch in their virginal privates. Yay. Right?  Truth is the world does not need more crap like this.  It is not sincere.  It is not genuine.  It is not interesting.  It is, however, everything that is wrong with country music.  Blech.  Somebody please book this duo two tickets on Malaysian Airlines.  (What?  Too soon?).  (Yeah, it probably is. My bad.)

Do I Wanna Know – Arctic Monkeys

Too plodding to attract much radio play, this single has sort of wafted around the lower half of the Hot 100 for 14 weeks now, peaking  at #70.  I don’t hear anything that is going to change that.  The production is smoky and somber, not the kind of thing to compete with the likes of Pharrell and Aloe Blac.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great song.  But mainstream radio simply doesn’t ‘heart’ songs like this.  Our loss.

Turn Down For What – DJ Snake feat Lil Jon

DJ Snake tries to breathe new life into a rather ho-hum Lil Jon song.  The Middle Eastern flavoring is welcome, but other than that there is not a lot going on here, save Lil Jon barking out some heavily treated nonsense.  It goes nowhere – except, of course, up the charts.  Sigh.  Lil Jon?  Is he dead yet?

All of Me – John Legend

Some mornings I wake up with this in my head.  This one has been floating around for a long time, taking forever to break into the Top 40 and, subsequently, The Top 10.  Valentine’s Day ended up being the catalyst for success; all those hopelessly clueless romantics desperate to find an ‘our song’, oddly opted for this.  On the surface it may seem like a sweet confection, but there is a lot of dysfunction percolating between Mr. Legend and the unnamed object of his affection in this slightly sardonic modern tale of love and devotion.  File this under ‘It’s complicated’.  That aside, it’s a great listen, performed affably and competently, a welcome addition to radioland.  There’s some great semi-stingers in there, and it’s hard not to like this one, what with all its “perfect imperfections”.  Yep, I guess we’re all human after all.

Neon Lights – Demi Lovato

Shrill and pointed, these vocals do not make me ‘all warm and runny’ inside.  This is a musical variation on the classic ‘Mexican Hat Dance’ (I kid you not.  Is she Hispanic or just marketed that way?) Still, it’s a cute song and, as they used to say on Bandstand, “It’s got a good beat.”  Honestly, this girl seems so lost.  Like all the other Disney princesses, she hasn’t developed much of a sense of self, something that is sorely reflected in her music.  Songwriters can keep throwing junk at the walls in the hopes that something will stick, but until Demi and her ilk decide they want to be their own person they are merely mouthpieces for the machine.  That said… as cogs go, this one is very likable.

Animals – Martin Garrix

That this is in the Top 40 is testament to the fact that dance music has been legitimized and fully embraced by the mainstream.  Predominantly a DJ instrumental, this is the kind of fodder that used to routinely fills out Billboard’s Dance Club Play chart, but rarely broke through that ceiling.  My theory is, this one was destined to go unheard by most until a picture of Martin’s face started making the rounds.  This little twink is a (yawn) cutie and that certainly got the attention of the tweener set.  As dance music goes, this is a fairly by-the-numbers offering.  The big crunchy synths pump forth at the expected moments while the same tired dance thud and whirling ‘whoosh’ effect fill in the rest.  Eh. A great approximation without much new brought to the table.

Paranoid – Ty Dolla feat. B.o.B.

Ummm.  Misogynistic penis-centered, male ego oriented crap?  Oh, hells yeah.  With an intriguing set up established (his two bitches in the same club and they know ‘bout each other!), “Paranoid” quickly devolves into the same old tired bullshit, where woman are property and horrible human beings for messing up the good thing two-timing Mr. Dolla’s got going on.  My sympathy lies with none of the involved… but with the people who have to put up with the people that actually listen to this crap.  Powered (?) by a lazy “Show Me Love” sample (another?) this one could be proclaimed harmless… you know, if it weren’t for all that overt misogyny.

Mmm Yeah – Austin Mahone feat. Pitbull

Austin is a teenie bopper who’s currently gracing our television screens in a commercial for McDonald’s or something (he’s in a recording studio and all he can think about is some hot chunk of fatty fast food).  That might explain his, ummm… music.  Yes, this could well be his second hit.  Who knows?  Who cares?  This one serves as proof that Pitbull will show up and throw down a rap on anything as long as they spell his name correctly on the check.  All told, truly, a nifty piece of marketing.  Yeah, I’m not gonna lie… this? This one has nothing to with music. It plays with all the sincerity and reality of an early Nickelodeon live-action television series.

Until next time… Happy listening!

Worst Pop Music: 2013

Worst Singles:

Holy Grail – Jay Z / Justin Timberlake

The duo that brought us the best single of the year?  They are also responsible for the year’s absolute worst.  That it was as popular as it was makes one question the taste of those who popularize music.  

Justin’s chorus is all saccharine garbage, but the crap that comes out of Jay Z’s trouty pout makes those of us with any sense of fairness want to give him a good whack or two.  Dude needs a reality check; people barely making ends meet don’t want to hear multi-millionaire Jay Z whine about how difficult his life is due to all his money and fame.  

But then to add to the injury?  Name dropping Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ because… it happens to rhyme?  And then there’s that whole ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ thing. Smells more like desperation, as in Courtney Love must need the money.   

It all adds up to a song created by committee – the members of which should hang their heads in shame.

Timber – Pitbull / Kesha

Pitbull, who I once had a crush on (put back on those dark glasses), will apparently rap on just about anything – see Enrique Iglesias’ latest piece of tripe.  

This one is all on him, with a little help from a Kesha.  Both stars are way beyond their shelf life, so whoring themselves out to the latest fad (hillbilly dance music  - ugh) would seem to be a way to extend their fifteen minutes.  

This one makes the Pitbull / Xtina collaboration ‘Feel This Moment’ almost forgivable.  Truly painful.

Roar – Katy Perry

The little single that failed to live up to its name.  Roar?  This thing barely registers at all.  

The incredibly downer beat is partly to blame, but the thing that sinks this one six feet under are the lamest lyrics ever to spring from Ms. Perry’s pen.  

Katy is best when being ironic and slightly humorous with tongue firmly planted in cheek or merely being cheeky.  Sincere?  Inspirational guru?  Ummm… shop elsewhere.  Hallmark stores sell less stale sentiments of empowerment.

The Fox – Ylvis

The video was one of the funniest things out there this year. I actually like the music and, given different lyrics and subject material, this might be considered a rather catchy tune.  As is?  Annoying beyond belief.  But that is what happens when a novelty item with a shelf life of one week ends up sticking around long after it’s worn out its welcome.  Still, kudos for the name of the group.

Dishonorable Mentions:

Chinese Food – Alison Gold

Makes Christina Perri’s ‘Jar of Hearts’ and Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ seem ground breaking, astoundingly deep, and musically revelatory.

Robin Thicke – ‘Blurred Lines’ and ‘Give It 2 Me’

While Prince and Marvin Gaye would both like some of that sweet royalty money, they would be embarrassed to be associated with funk this hollow.

Gas Pedal - Sage the Gemini, WOP – J Dash, Versace – Migos, Bubble Butt – Major Lazer, feat. Bruno Mars, 2 Chainz, Tyga, and Mystic

Ringtones masquerading as music.

Started From the Bottom – Drake

Dude, you are such a liar.  From the bottom?  More like the cushy middle.  Why are you such a liar?

What Now – Rihanna

What now, indeed.  Shrill and simply trying too hard, Rihanna should have run from the recording booth before belching up this one.  Unlistenable.

We Can’t Stop – Miley Cyrus

Laziest piece of crap ever to wash up on the radio. It’s not dance, it’s not great pop, it’s not… interesting.  Can’t stop?  More like never got started. (Love that shout out to the big girls, though.) 

Dark Horse – Katy Perry feat. Juicy J

This one finds the self-appointed self-esteem priestess in ‘E.T.’ mode, which is fine, but it gets dropped on this list for green lighting Juicy J’s dumbest name drop to America’s favorite gay serial killer (“She eats your heart out, like Jeffrey Dahlmer).  

No, I’m not kidding. 

Worst Musical Trend:

Aping Mumford and Sons and putting a dance beat under it. 

Avicii, Pitbull / Kesha, et al.

Hillbilly blue grass dance music sucks .  Stop it already.  

Mumford and Sons are boring enough as is.  Adding a stupid dance beat to the mess only demonstrates a total lack of musicality. 

Like oil and water, some things do not belong together.

Runner Up:

Modern Country

Goes down like a vanilla yogurt / latex paint smoothie.  Yeah, even my gag reflex kicks in. Georgia Florida Line?  Yuck. 

Worst Album:

Elvis Costello / The Roots : Wise Up Ghost

Talk about a stone cold soul killer.  And not in a good way.  I have no idea what either party was thinking.  Possibly the worst team put together since Brad Paisley and LL Cool J.  

Seriously embarrassing and should have never been released.  It’s simply so deadly dull.

Runner-Up:

Music From Baz Luhrmann’s Film: The Great Gatsby

The kind of stuff nightmares are made of.   Some of the worst musical ideas ever committed by a bunch of people too privileged and self-involved to know better – which, ironically, is very much in keeping with F. Scott’s original novel.  Hmmm.  But, no… this stuff is awful.

Worst Artist:

Okay, Kanye, someone has stolen your crown, dude. 

Bruno Mars – that vaguely unctuous, gender-deficient pop star - has pulled ahead, thanks to some of the dumbest lyrics I have ever heard in my life via ‘Gorilla’, ‘Treasure’, ‘When I Was Your Man’, and the astoundingly (and that’s saying a lot considering ‘Gorilla’ is on this list) bad ‘Young Girls’.  

Mr. Mars has worst taste than Paula Deen’s studio audience members.

This man seriously creeps me out.  

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Yeah, there are others that should be on this list…  but who has the time?  And why bother?

Man, this stuff makes me crabby.