Warning... this is an adult site. If reading or viewing things about what gay men do sexually with one another bothers you - you should not read this blog. This blog is a reflection of my adventures and thoughts. Some are fun, some not so pretty. I won't name names, or kiss and tell... but I will live to tell. And baby, trust me - I am gonna spill it all over your pretty little party dress. Enjoy!
Destiny's Child knew precisely what they wanted when it came to the holiday season. So, why not write a funky Christmas tune to spell it all out - explicitly. (The only thing lacking are diagrams and diaphragms.)
Released in November of 2000 as a promotional single, 8 Days of Christmas was written (with Errol McCalla, Jr.) and performed by Destiny's Child. It served as the title track for their 2001 Christmas offering.
Based on the traditional carol, The Twelve Days of Christmas, the eight days in the title is a actually a reference to Hanukkah, though the holiday goes unmentioned. At the song's video premiere, Knowles said, "Actually we wrote the song two years ago, when we went in the studio to do some Christmas something. That's what started the idea of doing a Christmas album."
The song would chart, hitting #57 on Billboard's US R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart.
Yes. What would the holidays be without getting a little something-something?
Now get your big monster hoof over here, fool, so I can give you that damn foot rub!
Okay,
so even though it may seem like I hate everything this month, there are
actually a couple of songs that I am excited about.So, not all is lost.Male Rap / Hip-Hop may be at a loss to come
up with anything new or original to mic about and modern country might as well
stop booking expensive studio time and go to Kinkos instead , but there is
still hope for the Top 40 overall.
And
summer is coming, so a couple of fun jams should be on the way soon. Hang in there, kittens.
#SELFIE - The Chainsmokers
This is
silly. Harmless. And sort of fun, but, like all novelty songs,
it gets old real fast. Eh, this one is already past its shelf life date.
Consume with caution.
We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow - Soko
Sung
from the depths of a long-term coma, this debuted at #9 on Billboard’s Hot 100
(and immediately fell off the charts the next week). Why?
It is barely a song. It is,
however, a video; a gross young lesbian French New Wave indie featuring a pair
of nubile barely-legal things getting all cute and macking the crap out of each
other. I watched it and it kind of turned my stomach. Oh, and the song? Umm… mumbly poser bullshit, for sure. Thanks, Lorde.
My Hitta - YG
Featuring Jeezy & Rich Homie Quan
A farting synth grounds this by-the-numbers,
blunt-influenced crap-rap number. YG hits all the necessary hip-hop topics (bitches,
cars, clubs, thugs, drugs) and manages to say ‘My Hittas’ a billion times (in
fact, it is the ‘rhyme’ part of the entire song – just tack that on the end of
any phrase). Extremely dumb, a tad
boring, and nothing to waste $1.29 on, unless you want to encourage this sort
of thing (you don’t want to encourage this sort of thing).
This Is How We
Roll - Florida Georgia Line Feat. Luke Bryan
So… this is country hip-hop? Ugh.
This is how my eyes roll…
Iget
that country needs to reach out and be more inclusive / relevant and that it wants to appeal to those high school
kids and spring breakers, but this feels calculated, unnatural, and void of any
human emotion. In fact, something tells
me they have a machine in Nashville that churns this crap out like a blender at
a TGIF’s; you stick shit people probably like in it, mix it all up and pour it
out for consumption in the form of brightly-colored syrupy / sweet pop-sludge
like this. Rim the glass with salt and
you got yourself something that will appeal to the masses who have no need to
think, no desire to become self-aware, no need to develop any sense of taste,
and shop at Walmart. Yay, America?
Bottoms Up -
Brantley Gilbert
This is pretty much the country equivalent of “My
Hitta”. In a relaxed, pleasant twang,
Gilbert hits all the necessary modern topics (girl, pick-up truck, radio,
nostalgic outlaw imagery) in this little tale of objectification. Yep, turns out country boys like butt sex,
too. Yay, America. This stuff must play well in stadiums and the
like, but it all sounds vaguely the same.
Modern country needs to find some new formulas.
Loyal - Chris
Brown Featuring Lil Wayne & French Montana Or Too $hort
This is a waste of everybody’s talents. Oh, those damn bitches
and ho’s. They are nothing but problems and the
absolute scourge of all those rich, rich black men. That’s the delusion that fuels 75% of all
male hip-hop songs – damn bitches. At
this point, the story is more tired than use of that oddly uncomfortable term
of endearment that begins with an ‘N’ they throw around as filler. And yet the machine keeps coming up with more
gruel. Yeah, folks, this…. This is
America, too; where unrepentant women beaters are celebrated and protected
because ‘they so talented’. Chris Brown
is not a bad person… he, like most of hip-hop, is simply misunderstood.
Partition -
Beyonce
B-bouncy does the nasty in the back of her limo on the
way to the club. And damn, she just
spent 45 minutes getting dressed. Poor
b-bouncy. Apparently she just wants to
be the kind of girl the he likes.
Hmmm. So glad she is all done
with that women running the world nonsense.
B-bouncy now has her priorities straight. And knows her place… which is apparently on
her knees. Oh, the music? Ummm… occasional bass, lots of finger snaps. Yep, this is one to be proud of, gurl. Oh,
well, at least she doesn’t bleat like a goat.
Doin' What She
Likes - Blake Shelton
Hmmm. Driving real
fast with the radio on. I think that’s
in every single country song I have reviewed this week. Well, in this case, I will forgive that bit
of boilerplate writing and compliment Mr. Shelton. He sings an adult country song with an adult
country voice. Yes, it’s homogenized, but
there’s something genuine in the mix, too, enough so that this one gets a
passing grade. Oh, and extra points for
the wah-wah guitar thing – annoying, but fresh.
Cop Car - Keith
Urban
This made me laugh.
It’s a really bad fit. Apparently
46 (wink, wink) year old Keith Urban is still dating girls where he needs to
be
concerned about what their Daddy thinks.
Oh, wait, this is country music, so you can sing any old thing, whether
it has anything to do with you or not. I
forgot. Anyhoo… the song is a by-the-numbers
affair; I think this is categorized as Modern Cosmopolitan Country. At any rate, it’s a total snooze fest. But I bet it made Taylor Swift a bit envious,
wishing she’d thought of the scenario first.
The Worst - Jhene Aiko
Wow. Hallelujah,
there is reason to hope. This one is
haunting and lovely. Sung in a gentle
voice that cracks and pops, ‘The Worst’ would seem to be the best, as in
possibly one of the
best of year. Yes, I
could do without the spoken word middle which goes on a bit long, but other
than that, this is a stellar track, one where vocal performance and song
combine to create a true moment. In
regards to this woman, I’m all ears.
La La La
- Naughty Boy Feat. Sam Smith
Okay, yeah, the ‘la la la la la la na na na na’ part is
annoying as hell (and the reason everyone will give this one at least one
listen), but the rest of it is pretty damn good. I love the lyrics and find the chorus
compelling. No, I don’t really
understand the need to block things out, though I think this might be a
break-up song. If it is, it’s an awful
fine one. It has a drive to it, an
inertia
that feels fun and exciting. I
so wanted to not like it, but I do, I do.
Though I have a feeling I, too, will be eventually looking for a way to block
it out.
Ain't It Fun - Paramore
I have no idea what this song is about. Are we happy to be independent? Is the singer being sardonic? The lyrics make no sense. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a jangly,
beat-driven, poppy delight of a song; one that I think might be aimed at
college freshmen enjoying those first few years of heady, horribly wobbly
independence. At this point I also have no idea what Hayley Williams wants this
supposed ‘group’ to be, for, like the lyrics of
the song, she’s all over the
road these days and it’s confusing as hell.
Oh, I got it… she’s the female Adam Levine and Paramore is now Maroon
5. Yeah.
Nailed it.
Latch -
Disclosure Feat. Sam Smith
Oh, here’s that Sam Smith dude again, the same one
featured on Naughty Boy’s ‘La La La’. He’s
quite the singer. Makes me think of Haddaway and, even more so, Roland Gift of
Fine Young Cannibals, for some reason.
Is that a fair comparison?
Disclosure got a lot of critic buzz with its most recent release and
it’s nice to see they have a shot at hit.
This is likable and
percolating with a 1990 kind of soul vibe that I
find intriguing.
Stoner - Young Thug
As lazy and uninspiring as you expect it to be. Women be bitches! For sure!
Is this a joke? Like a novelty
record, or something? You know, like a
parody of modern day hip-hop or is this for reals? You know like a black Ray Stevens thing? Is Young Thug the new Ray Stevens? Is that it?
Huh? Oh, man… you had me going,
you really did.
Classic - MKTO
Oh, boy is this some ‘classic’ boy band bullshit. Bright, punchy,
upbeat, and void of
substance. Switch out the R&B
references for country artists and this could have easily been a country
single. So, that said, this is an absolute
piece of shit that will overstay its welcome on the airwaves. Those tweeners
raised on Nickelodeon are going to insist on it. Sigh.
Who Do You
Love? - YG Featuring Drake
Another YG song? Real
title: Bitch, Who Do You Love? Puts in
perspective, huh? There’s a whole lotta
that self-identifying term of endearment that starts with an ‘N’. He
doesn’t trust the police, is richer than y’all, and has an issue with bitches
when they think they run this game.In
other words, he has the same problems as 75% of all hip-hop males. Damn.
Can’t a man get a break? Oh… and
he actually says ‘Wassup’ at the end of one of the verses. Seriously.
Seriously bankrupt. What Drake is
doing on here I have no idea. Thought he
was smarter than this shit. Wake me up
when these dudes figure out something else to mic about.
Headlights - Eminem Feat. Nate Ruess
John Doe – B.o.B
feat. Priscilla
God save us from psychobabble tripe like this. Okay, Eminem, we get it – you have
ISSUES. But, hey, how old are you dude? Don’t you think it’s time to let go of it? Now, not only does he have Mommy issues, he’s
got Daddy ones, too. And shouldn’t we
feel sorry for poor Eminem – it is SO HARD being him. It just makes me want to take away all his
money and fame and soothe the man’s pain. Everytime I hear this one I laugh my
ass off. Dude can’t go but a few lines
into the damn thing without GETTING REALLY ANGRY. In other words, it sounds exactly like
everything else Eminem has ever done. If
you get an invitation to this pity
party, do yourself a favor and decline.
The only thing more laughable? B.o.B.’s rather simplistic approach to
alcoholism. This song makes Dr. Phil
seem like Dr. Freud. Truly cringe worthy;
I had to check the calendar to see what year it was, for this kind of weeper
hasn’t been popular since the days of Charlene’s ‘I’ve Never Been To Me’.
The Walker - Fitz
And The Tantrums
Oh, what’s not to like?
Cheerful whistling, pseudo Mersey beat soul sound, upbeat
self-empowerment lyrics, pseudo Hammond organ solo, bright harmonies, chants
and shout outs? So simple. So fun. How is this not a bigger hit? And they’re snappy dressers to boot!
Damn, now I can’t get that whistling out of my head. Thanks, Sean.
Time to take a few swats at all the gadflies currently on
radio's radar.
It’s not good, boys and girls. I was feeling hopeful at the end of 2013,
believing that pop music might save itself, but I was wrong. I only wish pop would eat itself.
It currently seems hell-bent on eating tiny portions of
my brain matter. Each time Enrique
Iglesias’ ‘I’m A Freak’ plays on the radio, another puppy is killed inside my
head.
Thanks
a lot, Robin Thicke.
Dark Horse
Katy Perry
Featuring Juicy J
This one finds the normally sharper than a tack Perry in
‘E.T.’ mode. That works just fine, as
that is a sound that suits her voice, keeping it in a lower register for at
least part of the song. It’s Juicy J’s
contribution that pretty much sinks this one to an all-time low, thanks to the
inclusion of one of the worst name-drops in rap history (“She eats your heart
out, like Jeffrey Dahmer”). How that
ever passed through the quality check machine that is Katy Perry, I don’t know,
but then, there seems to be something amiss with her whole ‘Prism’ phase. Katy?
We like it when you are funny, wry, with tongue firmly planted in
cheek. Check?
Drunk In Love
Beyonce Featuring
Jay Z
“How the hell does this shit happen”, indeed. Tired of Jay Z and B-Bouncy complaining about
their fame and fortune. Fuck them
both. This woman cannot sing (she sort
of throat bellows). And Jay Z’s shtick
is so tired and old – the constant name-dropping is so over – I think he should
invest some of his fortune in a rapper’s retirement home and then, move
in. The lyrics for the song itself are
so random as to render the song without any meaning. Surf board?
Naw, simply bored. Dull, dull,
dull.
XO
Beyonce
And then, again.
As far as B-Bouncy goes, this is as good as it gets. The production on this one lands this plane
perfectly. Love the pulse and sensual
feel. Yes, the lady threatens to careen
into her usual over-sing mode, but fortunately the song itself holds her in
check and she manages to create a career first; a song that doesn’t cause me
excruciating physical pain. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say I ‘heart’ it.
Go on; try not to like this one. It’s a soul throwback with plenty of
repetition, pep, and energy. Whether it
proves to be as annoying as Bobbi McFerrin’s much maligned ode remains to be
seen, but for now… Pharrell has hit a sweet spot, injecting a rush of positivity
into an otherwise sex-obsessed pop world.
Team
Lorde
Remember Lily Tomlin’s ‘Lud and Marie’ sketches? The one featuring the teenage daughter who
would run to her room at the end of the hall and slam the door in protest to
her parent’s inane ramblings? That girl? That’s Lorde.
Lorde would be the roommate from hell; sulky, glowering, and a tad
unjustifiably angry all the time. ‘Team’
is ‘Royals’ part deux, as pretentious as it is revelatory. She’s a talent. She’s a future punch line.
Pompeii
Bastille
Can’t warm up to this one. Would love to hear it minus all the pomp and
circumstance. At its core, there’s a
decent song in there. It’s simply
gussied up in a rather unbecoming way – like a toddler in full make-up.
Story Of My Life
One Direction
If you haven’t seen parody / shred video by SamRick , go
see it immediately. It is much more
interesting than the original. The song
itself? Much more mature than you would
expect of a bunch of teen idols. This
finds One Direction in adult contemporary mode, singing a song that would be
far more meaningful coming out of someone’s mouth who has experienced a bit
more of actual life. However, unlike the
similarly pitched ‘Little Things’, this one has the public panting for more. It’s upbeat and poppy, catchy as hell. Yes, a tad empty, but really only due to the
fact that the song feels ingenuous springing from the mouths of babes still
getting used to the idea of having pubic hair (or not).
Can't Remember To
Forget You
Shakira Featuring
Rihanna
Utterly forgettable dance tripe. Nothing more than an excuse to get these two
ladies grinding the wall in a video and a means of making some cash. Music this empty has not existed since the
death knell of disco or the apex of 1980’s synth pop. Ummm… sorry… already forgotten,
ladies.
Burn
Ellie Goulding
Love this song.
Love its slight build, the bridge into the chorus, and the driving
chorus itself. Yes, Goulding’s vocals
are the airy fluff of pixies and faeries, but this is a solid, driven pop song
and one of her best efforts to date.
The Man
Aloe Blacc
This one is a little slight, even with the Elton John
sample. I like the horns and its overall
retro soul vibe. Problem is, Mr. Blacc’s
voice is serviceable at best. I thought
that same thing about the Avicci single (though it did add a touch of warmth to
that effort). Still, this makes for nice
air filler, sort of a throwback to 1972-74.
Show Me
Kid Ink Featuring
Chris Brown
In this slow burn, built on a sample of the Robin S dance classic, ‘Show Me Love’, Kid Ink and Chris Brown serve up the typical bling-obsessed,
smooth Lothario misogyny that rules the hip hop charts. This stuff goes down just fine, but it lacks
even a whiff of originality. If it wasn’t
for the sample, this one would have never garnered the attention it has. And,
yeah, Chris Brown is a still a total ass-wipe punk. And not the fun kind, either. We are all waiting for the day he gets what’s
coming to him, am I right? I ‘haterz’
him.
Let It Go
Idina Menzel
Rather amazed that this is as popular as it is. As far as song structure goes, it’s a damn
mess and barely coherent. Then there is
the additional problem of Ms. Menzel’s over-the-top vocals. Yes, her typical vocal mannerisms have been
kept in check, but over-singing seems to be her mode of choice for any song she
tackles, something that made many of her ‘Glee’ performances ear-shredding
experiences. This one fares a bit
better, but it’s still goes full-tilt with predictable Broadway overkill.
Adore You
Miley Cyrus
This is not a good song.
The lyrics seem lazy and haphazard.
The music seems a tad too rote.
Together, they make for an uneasy listen. The stupid auto-tune doesn’t help matters,
either. Miley seems to be in a clubland
/ GBL induced haze here. Adore You? More like bore you.
Young Girls
Bruno Mars
Possibly the worst, most cringe-inducing song currently wafting its way through my car radio. Mars sounds like a geriatric Rod Stewart lusting after ‘young WILD girls’ and there is something so creepy about this whole affair. Never mind the horrible lyrics or by-the-numbers melody. This one feels embarrassingly dated and stale. I don’t think anyone is buying this genderless wonder’s ladies’ man persona at all. Ish.
Love Me Again
John Newman
Why is this popular?
The vocals are amateurish at best.
I almost burst out laughing when this dude started singing. He makes Rick Astley sound like a vocal revelation
from heaven. What the hell? I like the retro thing, that’s fun, and once
the backing vocals kick in things are at least tolerable. But those first few bars? LMAO
Do What U Want
Lady Gaga
Featuring R. Kelly
This is such a sweet lap grinder. Lady G does a most impressive Xtina as Mr.
Kelly brings to the party what he does best.
Works from beat one and something I would never have expected from
Gaga. Hmmm… obviously there is more
there than anyone suspected. I mean, the
lady has great pipes and great chops.
More, please. And... who doesn't love that single's cover? Grrr, girl.
Hey Brother
Avicii
A ‘Wake Me Up’ also ran.
Every time I hear it I think of that old Ocean song, ‘Put Your Hand in
the Hand’. I can’t wait for this whole
hillbilly/folk/dance genre to die the embarrassing death it deserves. It is an awful, awful idea.
Love Don't Die
The Fray
and
Waiting For
Superman
Daughtry
Everything that is wrong with what passes for rock
today. Faceless corporate garbage
borrowing from far better sources, this stuff is so indebted it can’t buy its
way into the ears of any self-respecting lover of rock and roll. Is to rock
music what pink goo is to meat.
I’m A Freak
Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull
Enrique
once held abundant promise (or am I remembering that wrong). What the hell happened? (Maybe it was just
lust.) But this marks a new all-time
low, and that’s saying a lot considering the bodily waste that preceded it
(Tonight I’m F*cking You). Pitbull shows
up and basically pumps one out with the paycheck in mind. His contribution really does need to be heard
to be appreciated, but here are some of his… ummm… words:
Because I'm a freak freak freak freak freak
freak freak freak, that, that you know
Now can I get
beat-beat-beat-beat-beat-beat-beat, baby back it up nice and slow
I just wanna
skip-skip-skip-skip-skip-skip-skip-skip
ride out and go
I came, I saw, I conquered, on to the next,
let's go
And,
no, I’m not making that up. This is a
ridiculously stupid song, which means it feels right in place with everything else
currently gracing the airwaves. Again, I’m
looking in Robin Thicke’s direction. And
something tells me there are a lot more homages in the vein of ‘Blurred Lines’
to come. Adding to the insult? That horrible hillbilly dance mash-up sound
that is all the rage. Rage? Hell yeah, that’s all I feel when I hear this
crap. Possibly the worst song ever.
