Sunday Diva / Three From The Hip: Doris Day

Sunday Diva / Three From The Hip:

Doris Day

In my own personal big gay church, there is a wing devoted to the sainted known as 'The Working Girls'. Typically, these women have had long, varied careers; hosting shows, acting in movies and on television, doing variety shows, Vegas and working for a cause. They are legends because they have earned it.

One such effervescent soul?

Doris Day.

Such a ray of sunshine!

She says she was happiest on the road, touring and fronting a big band. That's how she got her start.

Then Hollywood called. She and Rock Hudson created the picture perfect romance. And she stood by him the day he announced his AIDs diagnosis. 

Her attitude has always been and would always remain 'the glass is way more than half-full,' but she had her share of woes to deal with. 

She married four times. Her first, to a schizophrenic trombonist was troubled to say the least; when she became pregnant with his child, he beat her in the hopes of inducing a miscarriage.

Her second husband introduced her to Christian Science. Enough said.

Her third lasted the longest... he produced many of her movies. After he died in 1968, she discovered that he'd squandered all her money and left her on the hook for a television sitcom and a series of television specials she'd never agreed to do. 

After recovering from bankruptcy, she married the maître d'hôtel at her favorite restaurant. He won her over by giving her a bag of meat scraps and bones for her dogs. He later complained that she cared for her animals more than she ever cared for him. Their marriage lasted eight years.

She also had to endure the death of her only child, Terry, who died of Melanoma in 2004. 

But there was a great deal of joy in her life. 

She loved music. Loved a family-friendly movie with a happy ending. Loved walking on the beach near her home.

And she loved animals. In fact, she was a fierce animals rights activist, focusing primarily on rescue and rehabilitation. 

After her death in 2019, they auctioned off most of her possessions, raising $3 million for the Doris Day Animal Foundation.

Yes, she left us with her music and her movies and her foundation.

But her biggest legacy?

Her rather naïve notions about happiness, for she was forever smiling, a California, sun-kissed icon - one which lives in the hearts and minds of many generations.  

The gospel according to her?

Well, here are three from the hip, dropping from her lips.

The topic? Happiness.

"I like joy; I want to be joyous; I want to have fun on the set; I want to wear beautiful clothes and look pretty. I want to smile and I want to make people laugh. And that's all I want. I like it. I like being happy. I want to make others happy."

"Some of the downbeat pictures, in my opinion, should never be made at all. Most of them are made for personal satisfaction, to impress other actors who say "Oh, God! what a shot, what camera work!". But the average person in the audience, who bought his ticket to be entertained, doesn't see that at all. He comes out depressed."

"The succession of cheerful, period musicals I made, plus Oscar Levant's widely publicized remark about my virginity, contributed to what has been called my "image", which is a word that baffles me. There never was any intent on my part either in my acting or in my private life to create any such thing as an image."

"I was offered the part of Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate, but I could not see myself rolling around in the sheets with a young man half my age whom I'd seduced. I realized it was an effective part but it offended my sense of values. Of course, in the years since then, explicit sex has become commonplace on the screen-so commonplace that it is considered novel when a film appears without a few naked bodies thrashing about. Now I really don't put anybody else down for doing such scenes. To each his own. Many actors enjoy doing these turns, and obviously many people enjoy watching them. I don't, either doing or watching. I can't picture myself in bed with a man, all the crew around us, doing that which I consider so exciting and exalting when it is very personal and private. I am really appalled by some of the public exhibitions on the screen by good actors and actresses who certainly have the talent to convey what they are doing without showing us to the last detail of pubic hair and rosy nipple how they are doing it."

"You don't really know a person until you live with him, not just sleep with him. Sex is not enough to sustain marriage. I have the unfortunate reputation of being Miss Goody Two-shoes, America's Virgin, and all that, so I'm afraid it's going to shock some people for me to say this, but I staunchly believe no two people should get married until they have lived together. The young people have it right. What a tragedy it is for a couple to get married, have a child, and in the process discover they are not suited for one another! If I had lived with Al Jorden for a few weeks, God knows I would never have married him. Nor would I have married George Weidler. But I was too young and too inexperienced to understand any of this. Now my heart was busted and I had lost my way."

"All I ever wanted in my life was to get married, have kids, keep house and cook, and even though I did all these things, I still ended up in Hollywood. It was a great trip. I've had an amazing life and wonderful times. And I'm happy!"

I'll See You In My Dreams - Doris Day

from the 1951 motion picture I'll See You In My Dreams

My Secret Love - Doris Day

from the 1953 musical motion picture Calamity Jane

Que Sera, Sera - Doris Day

Scenes from the 1956 motion picture The Man Who Knew Too Much

And one last parting shot...

"I've just always loved animals."

"Helping animals has been a lifelong passion. They give us unconditional love and ask very little in return."

"I'm going to do as much as I can for the animal world, and I'll never stop."

"When I see Liz Taylor with those Harry Winston boulders hanging from her neck, I get nauseated. Not figuratively, but nauseated! All I can think of are how many dog shelters those diamonds could buy."

"If I'd find a dog, I'd try to find the owner, of course, but it was mine! I just can't live without them; I love them so much. I have cats, too. People call me all the time and say, 'We know of a couple of cats people don't care for,' and I say, 'Bring them!' That's it - two words. I'm always open for that."

"I've never met an animal I didn't like, and I can't say the same thing about people."

"If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers."

"There's another thing I'd like to mention here. People sometimes say, 'Oh, Miss Day, I can't take another animal, I just can't replace my darling little dog.' Many people, when they lose their pet, can't face getting another. I felt like that once, and then I realized my baby would understand, and would want me to give a home to another animal. I want people to know they're not replacing the one they lost. They're giving another wonderful little soul a home. I've done this over and over again, and have never regretted it. I've only been rewarded."

Sunday Diva/Three From The Hip: Rosemary Clooney

Sunday Diva/Three From The Hip:

Rosemary Clooney

In my own personal big gay church, there is a wing devoted to the sainted known as 'The Working Girls'. Typically, these women have had long, varied careers; hosting shows, acting in movies and on television, doing variety shows, Vegas and working for a cause. They are legends because they have earned it.

One such hardy soul? 

The effervescent Rosemary Clooney.

A true treasure.

With a voice both rich and mirthful, Clooney began her career singing duets with her sister Betty for WLW radio in Cincinnati. At the time, Clooney was 16 and Betty was 13. It was Betty who had the chutzpah to get them an open audition at WLW, along with the savvy to get them home by asking for a $2 advance on their singing gig.

The girls were very much on their own. After their parents divorced, their mother remarried and moved to California, while their father disappeared one night after a drinking binge.

As her confidence grew, so did her opportunities. Soon she was fronting big bands for the likes of Duke Ellington, Nelson Riddle, Woody Herman, and Count Basie.

Under the guiding hand of Mitch Miller, our diva began recording for Columbia but got stuck singing what she considered novelty songs - extremely popular and they made her a household name, but not exactly her cup of musical tea.

When Hollywood came calling she danced to whatever tune they told her to, keeping her weight in check and her smile in place.

Bob Hope and Bing Crosby adored her, as did the nation.

She then married the man of her dreams, Jose Ferrer - not once, but twice!

But, indeed - love didn't do right by her. He was a serial cheater. 

Six children later...

After their second divorce, it was the start of a downward spiral as our diva quickly became dependent on pills - to keep her up, to help her down, to keep her disappointment and demons at bay.

"I loved downers, almost any kind. Loved the colors of them. Loved them yellow... I did. I would just have a bouquet in my hands at night."

It all came to an angry head one night in Reno in 1968; a full-blown nervous breakdown - right there on stage for all the world to see. 

She was hospitalized, institutionalized, and thereafter remained under psychiatric care for eight years.

 

But her dreams were far from over. She still had her music. She still had her legacy. 

She still had her name.

And, as she had in the past, she used it to its fullest advantage, as spokesperson for Cornet paper products she was in the living rooms of homes throughout America on a daily basis - household name once more.

And thanks in part to Bing and Bob... she mounted a comeback and finally made it to Carnegie Hall!  Signed to a new label, Concord Records - who allowed her free reign  - at last she could record the music she'd always wanted to sing. Accolades and Grammy award nominations quickly followed. 

And then... life handed her one more pleasant surprise she never saw coming. The man she'd left for Jose Ferrer all those years ago reappeared in her life. He adored her. They married and remained so until her passing. 

The loss of her sister, as well as numerous professional comrades pained Rosemary. But she kept on working. She kept on singing, right to the end.

The gospel according to her.

Well, here are three from the hip, dropping from her lips.

The topic? The Road To Authenticity

 

"I felt trapped and fabricated in the fifties living up to other people's expectations."

"I think acting is the most thankless profession in the world."

"My confidence seemed to come naturally, based on my early and continuing interest in music. I'd listened to so many singers that I just somehow knew I could do it as well as almost anybody."

"I've never thought of myself as a jazz singer. I know a lot of people, musicians, mostly, do think of me that way, because I have certain jazz attributes that I can incorporate into whatever I'm singing; I have good time, and a certain way of phrasing, and I know where the beat is. But my definition of a jazz singer is an improvisational musician, like Ella, or Carmen McRae, or Mel Tormé. I have very little in the way of improvisational skill, because I don't read music and I don't have the ear for it. I'd call myself a sweet singer with a big band sensibility."

"I'd earned a freedom, an artistic authority, that I'd never dared to imagine."

"I’ll keep working as long as I live because singing has taken on the feeling of joy that I had when I started, when my only responsibility was to sing well."

"I'm the only instrument that's got the words, so I've got to be able to get that across."

"I just would like to keep singing. As soon as I'm not singing well, I hope that I know it, so that I can get off the stage and leave what I have done. I hope I'll know, and if I don't, I hope somebody tells me."

Mambo Italiano - Rosemary Clooney

Love, You Didn't Do Right By Me - Rosemary Clooney

from the motion picture White Christmas

Love Is Here To Stay - Rosemary Clinton

And one last parting shot...

"In the final analysis, it's true that fame is unimportant. No matter how great a man is, the size of his funeral usually depends on the weather."

Sunday Diva/Three From The Hip: Chanté Moore

Sunday Diva/Three From The Hip: 

Chanté Moore

In my own personal big gay church, there is a wing dedicated to what can only be described as...The True Divas. These are ones that may do many things in life, but from the moment they opened their mouths to sing they became the one thing they were meant to become: a true diva.

One such soulful beauty?

Chanté Moore

This empress of saucy seduction can either go all quiet storm...

...or get your feet moving toward the dance floor.

There's a 'knowing' to her voice. It comes deep from within and sails forth like a dove taking flight.

And music lovers are not the only ones who could not resist her siren call.

The lady married four times...

But she has always been her own woman.

Still, our diva did have some personal work to do. She met it head on and dealt with her past.

Then she found a spiritual path that worked for her and life has been magical ever since.

The gospel according to her?

Well, here are three from the hip, dropping from her lips.

The Topic?

"I think that's what I was put here to do. Talk about my own life and my own views. I like to be able to expose my experiences so that people know they are not alone."

"Growing up in a Christian family, you would have thought what happened to me would never happen because my mother loved me and she was very much aware of who I am, but I was a very mature little girl. And at 14, I was allowed to have a crush on a man who was 21. And because he was worldly, and had money, and he'd been in the Navy, you know, and I was, like, all little girls seek older men and we go, Oh my God, he's so cute. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

"Somehow in there my father wasn't watching, my mother was watching very closely and thought she could handle the situation and she allowed this relationship to happen. It should not have happened. I should not have been allowed to date a man, it made me have insecurities at an early age that I should never have had, but a man who could manipulate a little girl's mind and her heart. He was allowed to do things he shouldn't have done."

"Well, I've been through a lot. People don't like talking about things that hurt. Usually we like to skip over that stuff because it brings up something that's unpleasant, but honestly it's the only way that I feel like some of those things have purpose because of somebody else's journey. And I really believe, you know, the quote from the Scriptures that says, all things work together for my good. All things work together for my good, not just the stuff I liked, not just the stuff that felt really great in the highs in my life that were wonderful, even not selling records has worked for my good because my ego is not in a place where you can't be in the same room with me and fit."

"I'm not in a place that when I see an unwed mother at 17, that I go, she probably didn't have no mama that cared about her. I had a mama that cared and I could have been that girl. And because of knowing that it could have been me, when I see them the emphatically in heart is different than somebody else's who doesn't know what it's like to be that girl whose been manipulated and her innocence stolen from her. It was stolen from me, and I know what that feels like. And you feel by yourself, you feel damaged goods."

"It happens to so many women - black, white, yellow, orange, green whatever it is. We all been in places where we've been victimized in some kind of way, usually."

"The difference is me! The difference is time, growth, pain, menopause, quarantine was a big deal as well. These things teach us how to maneuver through life. They are the hardest and the best part of our lives because that’s were real life happens. We think that we have it all figured out but we don’t. It really is one day at a time and not knowing what comes next. It’s all about dealing with it as it comes. We can’t have it all figured out. Even if we do, it’s not going to always work out the way that we thought."

"There are so many clichés that can be said but all means all. All things work together for the good. It works for you. It’s not against you. Even if something negative happens; from a death in the family, to your career not going the way you would like it to, or the love of your life not being there at all you, or you leaving them and then leaving too, a child dying or a pregnancy that you didn’t want. I don’t know what it is. You have to trust in God. If you trust in him. I know I trust in God’ and it’s not my job to make anybody believe in him. But I know what I’m supposed to declare and believe in. It’s about not being defined by your circumstances. I tell myself this all the time. If you choose wisely, you’ll end up somewhere better than before. Instead of saying I hate this, and I hate that. I woke up in a pit of depression regretting everything and so angry. Then I realized that I was angry at me. I’m not angry at o anyone else but myself. I chose everything that happened to me. I said I would be here. I said I’m not going to work here. I said I’m going to be with this or that. Choose wisely."

Love's Taken Over - Chanté Moore

Chanté's Got A Man - Chanté Moore

Real One - Chanté Moore

And one last parting shot...

"Keeping my integrity is what I think about it. You just do your job and you do it well, and you keep your integrity. And I don't sing anything I wouldn't be able to sing in front of my children. I don't sing anything I wouldn't be able to sing in front of my pastor. People fall in love whether you're, you know, at the church or if you're in the club. You do fall in love the same way - the feelings, the emotions, the things that it brings from the inside of who you are, it's the same. And I want to be sure that I sing about love and not sex."

The Privilege Walk Quiz, Part 2 of 5

The Privilege Walk Quiz

Part 2 of 5

Last week we took on questions 1-7, and I received this comment from an anonymous visitor: "What's the purpose of doing this? It frankly reeks of some form of social shaming if by some chance due to randomness as to whether or not one had a middle class upbringing. Isn't there enough pressure/baggage being gay and no need to add this kind of 'woke crowd' crap to our lives? I'm disappointed you would feel the need to do this and will never read your blog again."

At first I wanted to apologize. Then I got angry. Then I laughed. And now... well, I think mindsets like this are exactly the reason we need "woke crowd crap" like this. 

Thing is: if you were lucky enough to live a perfectly middle class life as a child - good for you. No one would hold that against you! I'm not sure why you would feel threatened by the questions in this quiz? It's only going to reaffirm something you already know about yourself. 

And... if you happen to read the responses of others and gain a different perspective based on their answers? What's the harm? Enlightenment leads to understanding which leads to empathy. 

Am I unempathetic with how this (former) reader feels? Not at all.

No one wants to feel guilty. Nobody wants to feel bad, nor should they, for what they've been given in this life. And while that is not what is being asked of them, I do understand their reaction. It's is a natural one... sort of a knee jerk reaction. And if anyone is prone enough to those to recognize one when he sees it? It is I. 

I don't think this person's knee jerk reaction is any different than the woman who was sobbing at a school board meeting, demanding that truthful black history and diversity awareness not be taught at the school her children attended. She explained, through tears, that she was not a racist, she just didn't want her kids feeling bad about being 'white.' 

Again.. nobody wants her kids to feel bad. But the truth is the truth. The truth should be taught so that enlightenment starts the process toward empathy. Her kids needn't apologize for the color of their skin. But sparing someone's feelings doesn't alter the past nor should it be used as an excuse to censor the truth. 

I certainly understand what the woman at the school board was referring to. During the late 1980's I took a college level black history course. I was bombarded with examples of how Caucasians did unspeakable things to keep African Americans down. I was the only 'white' person in the class, and I did feel... conspicuous. Just before the final, I went to the administration at the school and complained - and please don't laugh - that the class was racially-biased. I remember the befuddled counselor looking at me as if I had horns and a third-eye. Of course, I get it now. And would like to report that I aced that final and the course. And, of course, there was nothing wrong with the professor or the curriculum - it was me... expressing my immaturity, my lack on insight - a knee jerk reaction. 'White  guilt' is no different than the guilt experienced by those who come from a privileged background. 

Bottom line: Facts are facts. Fairness? Doesn't always enter into it. It is, indeed, what it is. You simply have to step outside of yourself, your comfort zone, to realize that. Do I feel ridiculous that I accused a  black history class of being racially-biased? Oh, yes. But I learned - because I've never been afraid to learn. I'm just grateful the professor didn't make something of it, which, he did not. 

Well, I hope I've addressed the concerns of the person who left that comment. I'm not demeaning the comment in anyway. I think it's a learning opportunity. I shared with you my knee jerk reactions to it... but ultimately, there is truth in what he says and I felt it important to acknowledge it.   

Now, on with today's questions. (I think this will be a brief one!) Here's the intro from last week:

I am not sure the exact origin of these 35 questions. I know this has been used in the past as a group activity, so that people can start talking about what privilege means. However, it also has it's detractors; folks who feel that in a group setting these "privilege walks rely on the experiences of people with marginalized identities to create a powerful learning experience for people with privilege."

For the record? I'm okay with that. Without information, people do not evolve. If something I have experienced helps someone become a better person? I'm comfortable with that. Get my meaning?

So, consider this post a safe means of taking part in this exercise. While we might learn more about you if you share the circumstances behind your answers, I support one's need for privacy. You may share as much or as little as you wish. But what you share? I would like to believe it might have an impact.

For the next few weeks, we'll be taking on seven questions from the quiz. Explain your answers if you wish, but do keep tally of your points, as we'll share the overall total at the end of week five.

How the quiz works: it's quite simple: for the purposes of these posts, to avoid confusion, we'll be adding or subtracting points, rather than steps. Again... be sure to keep track of your points week to week so you can calculate your total at the end of the 35 questions.

Let's pick up where we left off...

8/ If you can go anywhere in the country, and easily find the kinds of hair products you need and/or cosmetics that match your skin color, plus one point. If not, minus one.

No issues. No hair!

+1

9/ If you were embarrassed about your clothes or house while growing up, minus one, if not, plus one.

I was embarrassed. Not initially. When I was living on the farm and going to a tiny rural school, it never occurred to me. Clothing meant very little and no one ever teased me. That changed when we moved into a small town with a larger school. From day one, my homemade clothing was looked down upon. My grandmother and mother meant well, but kids can be cruel. It stuck. Even after we stopped wearing homemade garments and stuck to hand-me-downs from better-off relatives and the bargain basement wear found on the discount racks, I remained distressed and teased. I remember there was a coat we all bought... it was warm and very colorful... they were on clearance for $1.99 and they were nice coats, but because a family who was even less-well off than we were, also purchased them and wore them... we were appalled to be associated, but... also didn't have the luxury of not wearing them. 

And our house? We lived next to the highway, just this side of the wrong side of the railroad tracks. No, seriously, that was a thing in the small town I grew up in. My time in that town was difficult enough as it was, I can't imagine what it would have been like if our house was on the other side of those tracks. 

Those kids definitely had it worse than I did. Still...

-1

10/ If you can make mistakes and not have people attribute your behavior to flaws in your racial/gender group, plus one point. If not, minus one.

Gay. I was gay. I was so obviously gay, though I passed, sort of, for years. More so, once I was in college and had moved to the Twin Cities, where my idiosyncrasies branded me as 'strange' but not, necessarily, 'gay.' I remember one season in summer stock, a director yelling at me that if I wasn't such a faggot maybe I could understand what it was he wanted from me. This is the same man who once tied my arms to my side to 'teach me' how to act without using my arms. While he was the most egregious, he certainly wasn't the only person to treat me in this manner. 

My fall back position? I always apologized. 

It's what I was taught to do. 

-1 

11/ If you can legally marry the person you love, regardless of where you live, plus one point. If not? Minus one point.

Well, we'll see if this remains true... with SCOTUS surely stacked against us? I have a feeling gay marriage is on the block soon, but time will tell. For now?

+1

12/ If you were born in a developed country, plus one point. If not, minus one.

I changed this question. It was originally, "If you were born in Canada..." That made no sense to me, except I think I might have downloaded the questionnaire from the Ontario Southwest Health Ministry or something like that. 

I was born in the U.S. 

+1 

(For now.)

13/ If you or your parents have ever gone through a divorce, minus one point. If not, plus one.

Ugh. This is a difficult one. 

My parents separated when I was in 9th grade. He moved to Minneapolis, while she stayed to raise us in that crappy small town. They frequently got back together on weekends. I bore witness to a lot of their craziness. For example, during my freshman year in college, my mother called me at 10:00 pm and asked me to drive her to Minneapolis. She wouldn't tell me what it was about. I sat in the car while they had it out on the front porch of the house my Dad was living in. It seemed she thought he was having an affair with a woman at a bar located at Chicago Avenue and Lake Street. My Dad would get lonely and stop in for a few drinks after work. Well, he liked to talk to people. I have no idea how my Mom found out... but... crazy. 

Things got much worse when she joined him in the Twin Cities and set up house again. And because I'd dropped out of college after my junior year and had no where to go, I lived with them. She became incredibly depressed and isolated and it all led to a Thanksgiving I will never forget. Gathered for the holiday meal, my mother proceeded to go around the table, verbally assassinating each of her children and their boyfriends/spouses, until everyone fled, but me - because, of course, I had no place to go. The night ended with my mother in the basement with a loaded shotgun, threatening to off herself. 

I took her at her word. I called 911. It was a terrible scene and, for me, Thanksgiving has never been the same (although, denial is a kindness of sorts.) The good thing is she did get the help she needed and her emotional boat began to right itself. 

Now that's not a divorce. And I'm thankful that did not come to pass, because... I don't think I could have taken my mother ramping up the crazy more than she did. Yes... I am making light of mental illness. But... I think I've earned the right to. 

As for me? Well... I am still legally married to my soon-to-be ex, who... I can't bring myself to divorce because he's got no one else and I promised I would take care of him. And so I will. I consider him family and you don't abandon family. When I broke up with him, I promised myself that I would stop being careless with the people in my life. I plan on keeping that promise. If he wanted something different and was not putting himself in jeopardy in any way, I would do as asked. But, for now... 

+1

14/ If you felt like you had adequate access to healthy food growing up, plus one point. If not, minus one.

It was food. Healthy? Not always...

We had a vegetable garden growing up, so summers were good. 

My family? We always struggled to keep food on the table. And we were too proud to get any sort of assistance, other than visiting relatives at dinner time. Sundays were spent at my maternal grandparents' house, where all of my Mom's siblings and their broods of kids would gather. There was a lot of food, and if the grown ups kept a lid on the drama, we all managed to get both lunch and dinner provided.

At home? Sometimes it was not great. Milk and soda crackers. Popcorn. Beans and wieners on white bread. 

Okay... and this is weird, but it is part of my childhood; we were friends with the town garbage man. He would pick up all the discarded, expired, rotten items from the local grocers, sort through them and, if there was a lot of stuff, give us a cut of the goods. Oh, and we did get some kind of subsidies... we got in on the great government cheese giveaway. And there was this terrible canned meat, which was mostly lard and gristle. Also... we would buy boxes and boxes of dented cans from the local canning factory. The cans didn't have labels, so it was anyone's guess what the veggie of the evening was going to be.

So... yes, I grew up eating weird stuff. 

Was it healthy? Probably not, but we didn't starve, so...

+1

--- ---

And that's all for this week.

Okay, your turn. Leave your thoughts in the comments section. I love to learn more about you. 

Next week, questions fifteen through twenty-one. Until then...

Thanks for reading... and participating.  

Strawberry Letter #23 - Brothers Johnson

Vegetable Town - Barenaked Ladies