Wednesday's Question Of The Day: Other People's Traits

Wednesday's Question Of The Day:

Other People's Traits

Hump day? Well, I'll give you something to ponder.

Yes, it's time for Wednesday's Question Of The Day.

Each Wednesday, a new question to give you the opportunity to do a bit of self-examination.  Think of it as a way of getting to know all about you and a chance to learn a little more about me. 

That's right. You know me; spill that tea! For I am the king of over-sharing!

Oh, and please leave your responses in the comments section. 

Why, think of this as a little blogging kiki!

Okay! Ready, set... 

Here's today's question:

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Rudeness which stems from a misguided sense of privilege and unearned entitlement. 

That covers it all. 

The littering. They way they empty their cars of fast food wrappers and used diapers by stopping in front of your house and leaving it all on your boulevard, even though there's a trash can less than two feet away. The not stopping at stop signs. The driving and parking in the bike lanes. The way they ignore speed limits and think you're the problem because you try obey them. The cutting in line. The way people mishandle the merchandise in stores. The way they never clean up after themselves - somebody else will do it.  The way it's always somebody else's fault. The way they think phones are more important than flesh and blood people. The way they will keep you waiting, because your time isn't as valuable as theirs. The little power games they play. The way they play music or a movie or a television program loudly in a public space. The way they roar their dirt bike up and down the street. The lies they tell in order to justify their behavior. The way they offer an opinion no one asked for. The way they think that repeating something often enough will make it the truth. The assumptions they make. The things they do in order to feel superior. 

Their belief that winning is everything and must be accomplished by any means possible. And that anything... anything... is justifiable - if they win.

It's all rude. Uncivil. Deplorable. 

I'm tired of it. I do my best to avoid others at all costs. 

Again... I'm simply tired. Tired of bad behavior. 

I want to live in my basement and only come out if there is the promise of gin.

For all the above reasons I hate shopping, hate driving, hate eating out, hate travelling, hate going anywhere I have not been before, hate doing people favors, hate meeting new people. 

Hate is a strong word. Yet, I don't hesitate to use it in this case. 

I wish I could opt out. I wish it didn't bother me. I wish I didn't care. 

But every time there's an incident... I feel like a little piece of me dies.

Relatively, I don't have all that much time left on this planet. 

So I'd rather not lose precious time dealing with other people's agendas, mind games, follies, picadilloes, selfish wants and assumed needs.

Yes.

I'm burnt out. 

Now, if you'll excuse me...

I have to go get ready. 

I believe someone mentioned there might be a gin martini in the offing. 

--- ---

Bad Behavior - Mexican Dubwiser 

feat. Myron Glasper, Ulises Lozano, Billy Gould

Weekend Onesie: Think Of The Children! Part V - Guns, Guns, Guns

Weekend Onesie: 

Think Of The Children! 

Part V

Guns, Guns, Guns

Ah, America's love affair with weapons that can do bodily harm starts early.

Here are a few examples of Madison Avenue's means of seducing children into taking up arms.

Grooming children? Pshaw! Don't be silly. 

It's a gun, not a pair of cha-cha heels and false eyelashes!

Logic. Common Sense.

They're in short supply.

But guns? They're everywhere!

- uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque

--- ---

68 Guns - The Alarm

Never too early to get started.

Cosmic!

Atomic!

Even breakfast cereals.

Fantasy?

Fury!

I wanna be a cowboy.

Ah, Daisy! The gateway gun...

 

The Biggest Day In Your Boy's Life!

Like father, like son.

But... they're 'harmless'.

So many promises... and 'real' is important!

The sound of mass shootings! Fun!

Everything but the screaming.

How To Get "Big Dick" Free!

How to make up for shortcomings?

Military style.

Keep your eye on the skies...

...and on the future!

Graduating to the real thing.

What a lovely way to celebrate this holy holiday!

The look of elation.

The potential for...

Don't Need A Gun - Billy Idol

Wonderland Burlesque's Down The Rabbit Hole: My Weekends With High Society

Wonderland Burlesque's 

Down The Rabbit Hole

My Weekends With High Society

Turns out, if you keep wishing for something? You just might get it.

I had a vague recollection of this 1995 series. It struck me as well-written, quick and witty - in other words, something very foreign to American television. I was living in L.A. at the time, running with a crowd where television was verboten, so I was never afforded an opportunity to watch it. Yet, it stayed with me and I always hoped to see the show in its entirety. 

Well, imagine my surprise and delight to recently learn that someone has uploaded all 13 episodes on YouTube. And so, these past few weekends, I've had a chance to see what I was missing. 

Charmed, doesn't even begin to cover it.

High Society was a CBS sitcom starring Jean Smart (Designing Women) and Mary McDonnell (Major Crimes, The Closer) which aired Monday nights from 10/30/95 to 2/26/96. 

The ladies play a pair of lifelong best friends; a high profile romance novelist and her upper crust publisher. Campy, it's been likened to Absolutely Fabulous, though the the dialogue resembles a Noel Coward play performed at lightening pace. No sacred ground remains unscorched, no controversy unscathed. It's risque in the best way with a wily cast theatrically adept. 

It's all topped off with Chaka Khan singing the show's theme song, The Lady Is A Tramp.

Initially, Broadway's Faith Prince was part of the pack, portraying an old college friend who'd fallen on hard times. Her presence brought about a sort of Auntie Mame vibe, with Prince playing the role of 'Gooch', Smart as 'Vera', and McDonnell as 'Mame'. Sadly, that lasts only the first six episodes and Prince's character disappears from the series with nary an explanation. 

Despite the show, despised in conservative corners, doing quite well in the ratings, it never returned for a second season. That was the choice of the series' creators. CBS kept asking the producers and writers to soften the dialogue to make the lead characters more likable and 'warmer.' The creators, knowing that doing so would be the undoing of the show, refused. Instead, they chose to put the show on a hiatus from which it never returned.

Smart is over the top as Ellie, a jet set, pill-swallowing, booze guzzling, celebrity wannabe, while McDonnell holds court as Dott, with her couched, aristocratic, blue-blood purr of a voice. The pair play well off one another, obviously relishing their roles, the razor-sharp dialogue and the fabulous costumes.

The cast also includes Jane Meadows, who does a lovely turn as McDonnell's gentile, world-savvy mother. She is the only cast member to receive an Emmy nomination for their work on the series.

Guest stars include: Donna Mills, Stephanie Beacham, Erik Estrada, Barry Bostwick, Bronson Pinchot, Doris Roberts, Paul Dooley, and Tom Arnold.

Needless to say, I recommend seeking this one out. The quality of the recordings are a bit soft-edged, but bravo to whoever had the good sense to record all 13 episodes and then share them with the world via YouTube. 

Watching it has been a dream come true. It's fun. It's campy. And... it's oh-so gay!

High Society

(Just a taste.)

Weekend Onesie: Gummy Zzzzz's

Weekend Onesie:

Gummy Zzzzz's

I am a recent convert of sorts... 

I'm now a big fan of 'gummies' - the adult kind. 

Oh, I don't do much (the stuff today is so potent.) All I want is a very tiny nip of it, just to tame my anxiety and I only use it on the weekends. Most would laugh at the tiny sliver I ingest, I am such a lightweight. But dosing appropriately is key to a good time. I need to be fully functional, but with the volume turned way down when it comes to anxiety and things that upset me. Trust me. I'm much more pleasant to be around and it allows me to live with and like myself a bit more.

The other day, as I was shaving and showering, an ad came on the radio for something called Gummy Z's (or something like that.)

This is a product being marketed to parents of children, ages 4 and up, who want their kids to go to sleep when they, the parents, want them to go to sleep. Apparently this is a product to be used so the parents can get back to what's really important in their lives: a cup of Mommy Juice and binge watching Game Of Thrones(?)

You see what's coming? 

A whole generation of kids who don't know how to go to sleep without 'a little help.'

The pharmaceutical industry sees this as a 'future market opportunity.'

I see a generation with a whole new 'learning disability.' One which the pharma folks will, no doubt, be right there to solve (providing you have insurance.)

Parents who use such things in order to manage their children? Well, they're simply refusing to take responsibility for that which they've created. It's like... yes, I want children. I just don't to raise them.

And who can blame them? Raising children? A recipe for disaster, am I right? So? Let somebody or something else do it.

That kind of thinking is what's at issue when it comes to our public school system, too. Parent's use our schools like day care. Whether their kids learn anything? Well, that's just an added bonus, but the main thing is... while at school, the kids are somebody else's problem. And so the schools, of course, are all on board when it comes to doping up our kids. It makes them easier to deal with; medications ensure  complacency, and compliance equals less problems. The schools support the parent, going off to work in order to have insurance so that parent can afford the pharmaceuticals necessary to achieve the desired results. 

The pattern is set: the school complains about a problem child and the parent, believing they are getting to the root of the issue, take the child to a doctor who prescribes whatever is the latest and greatest. Suddenly, everybody is happy. They've  taken the easiest route; medicate them.

Yay, team!

But... that's not taking responsibility. That's not parenting. That's not raising a generation of healthy future adults.

However, that's the pattern, the standard means. Medicate to tolerate. And it only gets worse as we age. Anxiety? Take a pill. High blood pressure? Take a pill. Cholesterol? Take a pill. 

Better living through pharmaceuticals(?)

The pharma companies are so devious, so clever, so exact. They have their methods to ensnare and guarantee participation all figured out. Notice how they spend their advertising bucks:

When spending their advertising dollars, they choose the local and national news shows; shows filled to the brim with lots of high anxiety producing stories. Then, at the next commercial break, in swoops the pharma folks with an ad offering a new medication that will help you deal with your anxiety. Granted, it may cause diarrhea, nausea, and eczema - but no worries! A couple of commercials later they'll offer you a pill to take to resolve all those issues, too.

Rather Orwellian? Or like something out of the film Brazil, don't you think? Oh, this world of ours!

Its rather evil. Insidious. To profit by manipulating people into maintaining a life through pharmaceuticals.

That's why we all have to start doing the right thing and simply say 'no.' You want to know the cure for stress? The cure for anxiety? Eliminate the source.

Does that mean we stick our heads in the sand? Oh, I hope not. That's simply asking for future problems. No. We must be brave. We must learn how to deal with this world minus big pharma. 

We must learn to... *gasp* - cope.

When did we all become so weak? So powerless? So incapable of coping?

Oh, I know it's not easy. With all that's going on in the world? The madness? Social media. Politics. Religion. Genocide. Impending war. Covid-19. 

Other people.

People. They are the worst.

It's all gotten to be a bit much.  

But medicating ourselves in order to cope? 

That's not taking responsibility. That's not actually living a life.

Taking the edge off on occasion as a means of relaxation? Acceptable. But it shouldn't become a way of life. That's not actually living, that's escaping. And, while I totally understand the need to do so, escape is simply not an option - especially if you choose to bring kids into this world. They need you. 100% of the time and 100% awake and aware. And unless your employer hired you when you were high, they deserve 100% of you, too. That's the person they hired. That's what they pay for. 

So, the next time you're seduced by some obnoxiously peppy, bright, jingle-drenched, sterile pharmaceutical ad promising a happy life, or the next time your physician suggests that you start taking this drug or that drug - pause. Ask yourself: is living in an altered state, dependent on some drug really the life you want for yourself? 

Do you want to be yourself? Or what the drug will make you? 

If you can't cope, by all means, drink the Kool-Aid. 

But, perhaps considering alternatives. Exercise. Get outside. Meditate. Eat healthy foods. Drink water. 

If you value who you intrinsically are, if you value your potential as a human being, if you value your unique individual self? 

Then make like Nancy Reagan... 

Just say 'no.'

(Except on the weekends. Then, by all means, take the edge off, darlings. You fucking deserve it.) 

Hope you're having a fabulous weekend.

Do take the edge off, dears. 

In whatever fashion suits you!

- uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque

Just Like A Pill - P!nk

Weekend Onesie: Holding Our Own

Weekend Onesie:

Holding Our Own

See that light at the end of the tunnel?

Ah, yes... we are in the home stretch, kids!

But... it's still a distance we have yet to travel. We are not there yet.

This pandemic? Contrary to what you've heard, it's not over.

Yes, with the Johnson & Johnson vaccine now available, we, as a nation are, indeed, picking up steam. There are certain states (Alaska) and counties (in Arizona) that are way ahead of the curve and are offering up the vaccine to any adult.

That's great. 

The state of MN recently altered the age group eligible to be vaccinated. Now, anyone 50 and up are eligible under certain conditions. Also great.

Not so great?

Many states, typically those who weren't on board with suggested guidelines to begin with, are choosing to drop all restrictions and mandates. I (and I'm not alone) think that's a bit premature. 

While things do look promising, I'm not ready to alter my rather disciplined approach to avoiding exposure to the virus.

Yes, those of us operating with a degree of common sense? For now? 

We must continue to soldier on, holding our own.

I think we all understand the frustrations experienced due to this pandemic. Our lives have been greatly altered. Things we took for granted suddenly became restricted, altered or unavailable. We had to adapt. And many of us did just that. Successfully.

Well, we have to continue in that mode, my dears. Until such time as we achieve herd immunity via immunizations. 

So don't be persuaded by those who believe we're over this hurdle. 

We are not. 

And don't be dissuaded from adhering to the safety practices that have served you well thus far. 

It's not time to let go. 

So... keep holding your own!

--- ---

Have a lovely weekend.

Better days to come, my friends.

Hang on. 

-uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque

Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne 

Weekend Onesie: At What Price?

Weekend Onesie:

At What Price?

This week, we reached a milestone of tombstones. 

A half a million dead because we, one of the most developed nations in the world, failed to get our shit together and do the right thing.

Yay! America! 

Still #1.

This is the price of freedom.

People act and vote against their own self interest all the time. It's their right to do so, protected by our constitution.

Stupid? Oh, hell yeah.

I just shake my head at all those folks living in crappy trailers in shitty little towns in the south all up in arms about the government controlling their lives, creating a welfare state... all the while they're surviving on state subsidies and food stamps.

The disconnect? I think it's a form of self-preservation.

I mean, people tend to want to be proud of who they are so they can live with themselves - so that kind of denial is a sort of self-preservation. Also... the whole shaming and pointing the finger at others for the very thing you're doing? That gives one a sense - albeit a false sense - of superiority. 

And no one has a need to feel superior more than Americans. 

We've been marching around with that chip on our shoulder since the day we landed at Plymouth Rock. It's in our cultural DNA.

But, back to the finger pointing - about the welfare state? Yeah... you know what that's really about, right? Us vs. Them? The 'them' in this case refers to urban folk - which is an institutionalized racist codeword for POC.

Now, there's a whole thing about southerners having lost all their free labor which destroyed a way of life that never should have been in the first place if they had any morals which plays into that anger.. but that's for another post. 

Again, getting back to the freedom to vote against your own self-interest...

Well, in this country... we are, indeed, guaranteed the right to be stupid. Guaranteed the right to do the wrong thing.

Yes, it's wrong to put others at risk simply because you don't want to cooperate. Let's face it... wearing a mask? It's not that much of a hardship. But, because it has been politicized and defined as the government trying to tell us what to do... well all those folks that constantly vote against their own-self interest, they got all up in arms and decided to defy what those of us who live lives guided by common sense saw as something that was in our own best self-interest to follow. 

But those who comply? We're the cucks. 

We're the problem. 

Not those spreading the disease by gathering in bars that were or should have been closed. Not those that flood the streets sans mask every time their favorite sports team wins some stupid trophy. Not those gathering and travelling when people in the know - people like Dr. Fauci - people who are guided by science (Yes, Meghan McCain, it is true!) - were telling us that was not a good idea. 

And anti-vaxxers? 

Well, that is a whole 'nother level of stupidity... but also guaranteed in the constitution. 

Personally, I am aghast that half a million people's lives have ended and none of these people - including many politicians - seem to acknowledge or grasp the magnitude of that rather morbid accomplishment. 

I watched Biden's speech. I was with my mother and my ex. Had I been alone, I would have cried. It was a moving speech... maybe a little too personal, maybe a little to self-referential, maybe a little too emotionally-manipulative. I dunno. It was effective. 

And it was chilling. 

Let freedom ring...

...but at what price?

We live in a divisive society. A certain faction of our government and a certain faction of the financial complex have teamed up, having recognized that it is in their best self-interest to keep people - particularly people of a lower economic status - pointing fingers and hurling insults at each other. 

Incidentally... this is also why the LGTBQ bill is suddenly such a hot ticket item. It's divisive. It keeps people riled up. It distracts.

It keeps the poor, the common folk, busy... and if they are busy, they won't recognize that our constitution guarantees them a say in how things are run. For if that faction should wake up and realize they are fighting the wrong battles and they do indeed have the power to change things... well, that would mean those in power - the wealthy, the titans of our financial complex, and those politicians kept in place by those one percenters... would, most likely, lose some or all of their power. 

So, it's really in the 'best' interests of those individuals and the likes of Fox News to keep people ignorant and riled up. It's a means of maintaining the status quo. 

And we all 'like' the way things are? Right? 

I mean, that's why we resist wearing masks and social distancing and actually acting in our own self-interest. 

Because we don't like change. 

Well, something tells me that the half a million people that lost their lives - more than the lives lost in WWI, WWII and Viet Nam combined... something tells me that they aren't too pleased with how that all turned out for them. 

Something tells me they are definitely not okay with the way things are.

And, while it is the freedom they ended up dying from... I don't think it's the freedom they held in their hearts while their hearts were still beating.

And those that paid with their lives on battlefields in the name of freedom? All those brave soldiers? 

Something tells me that this freedom... the one we all appear to be justifying and allowing to rule the day?

That is not the freedom they died for, either.

--- ---

Wishing you all the best.

Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay strong.

And... wear a damn mask!

- uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque

This Is Not America - David Bowie / Pat Metheny Group

Weekend Onesie: Whiplash Brain

Weekend Onesie: 

Whiplash Brain

I applaud the Dems going through the motions of this whole second impeachment. It's a cart and pony show, but a very necessary one - a catharsis that must take place in order for half of this nation to start healing.

I've avoided watching any of the daily coverage. I don't need those images. I don't need those words. I don't want to hear the pandering commentary.

We know what happened. We watched it develop for months and months. We were all terrified and disheartened by the events of January 6th of 2021.

Regardless of where we get our information, at this point, it's a given; we tune into the media outlet that is going to tell us what we want to hear. We know who they are and whether or not they are to be 'trusted'. And they know who their audience is and what they have to put on the table in order to feed us.

That's why NBC is my go to. I'm not looking for the hyperbole of Fox, or the blandness of CBS. I want to listen to someone who feels the same way I do about a plethora of issues. I want to be spoon-fed the pablum I know I can tolerate... I do not need my head exploding while I am trying to get my evening meal together.

We don't want that discomfort.

We don't want to end up with whiplash brain.

That's how it feels when I read differing accounts of the same situation.

I get 'fair and balanced'... but that ain't happening, folks. It does not exist.

Fair has been replaced by fear. Balanced has been replaced by blind and bland.

My brain is taxed as it is. So I do not go out of my way to hear differing opinions, unless I know I need to be educated. Certain social issues? Yes. Tell me your story. Share your experience, for it may modify my own and my comprehension.

But factual occurrences? Hard news items? No. I can read. And I can read between the lines. I have a logical brain coupled with a common sense approach. My BS detector? Finely-tuned.

Are there grey areas? Hell, yes. For example: clichés exist for a reason. But if you have half a brain and are interested in growing as a human being, you know enough to take a look at the validity of that reason. Where's the truth? What's the motivation? Where did it come from? As someone interested in evolving, you know better than to take anything at face value.

And that's why, as we tune in nightly for our dose of biased pablum guaranteed to please, we must steel ourselves and remain vigilant. We must continue to discern the truth... which is not always what we want it to be. 

Our responsibility as viewers does not end with the push of a button, the click of our remote. It is our duty to go outside our comfort zone to glean the whole truth - especially when it comes to emotionally-charged social issues with a long history. 

It's our responsibility to weigh the words we hear and place them into a logical context. 

Face it: it's political suicide for any Republican or so-called Independent to vote for impeachment, no matter the facts. To do so would be to point a finger, place blame and responsibility on an organization whose spin machine is so masterful they convinced half this country that the orange ogre was a fit human being capable of leading this nation. The only comeuppance any of them will ever receive will be of their own making; if they are to be undone, it will be by their own hands. 

That is the power of privilege - yes, you can get away with murder. 

As for the media murdering the truth? Well, that's still in our hands. So, don't allow them to spoon-feed you what you want to hear. Don't allow them to get your hopes up in one news cycle only to pretend it never happened in another. 

Keep your brain nice and centered at all times and avoid any potential damage that can occur while it bounces back and forth against the inside of your skull.  And protect your neck, too. There needs to be a degree of thought behind each movement as your head pivots back and forth, trying to take in all that is being thrown at you. 

You are in control. Not your remote.

You control each and every story.

--- ---

Have a lovely weekend.

Bitter cold, here. And I loathe it.

Stay safe.

- uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque

I've Got News For You - Ray Charles

Fun with Craigslist

This was a recent posting in the M4M Room on Craigslist.
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I NEED HELP <> 04/01 01:34:48
Okay I am a straight women and I have been with my bf for 3 years now and we have a child together, I recently found an email in my bfs account from another man talking about how he wanted to fuck his tight little ass again. When I confronted my bf about this he said it was all a mind fuck to teach me a lesson to go thru his stuff, well, this was the first time. He has always had bi ways about himself... ya know things up the butt... Looking at dudes cocks in porns. I am just not sure if he's gay straight bi or what the fuck. He tells me he loves and wants to be with me but I just don't know.. HELP!!!xoxo UnsureHoney

###

I decided to help – here is my reply:
Hit the fridge. Eat & Eat. Gain about 50 lbs. <> 04/01 12:51:03

Just let yourself go. Don't bother with your hair, make-up, etc. Wear the same baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants every day. Just wear the same outfit all the time; eat in it, watch T.V. in it, pick up the kids from school in it, sleep in it. Hell, just stop bathing, period.

Stop doing housework. Stop cooking at home. Eat out at fast food places. Load up on deep-fried foods - they are real problem solvers.

Spend hours shopping on QVC. Buy lots of jewelry designed by people who are famous, but not for designing jewelry. Just run up your credit cards to their absolute limit.

Also spend a lot of time on your cell phone- not asking your friends and family what to do about your husband the homo. Instead ask them what is wrong with you. Then ignore their advice, because what do they know? You're the one living with a fucking manipulative homo.

Oh, and it sounds like there are children involved. So, please, don't share any of your feelings or express yourself. Anything that you are feeling is bad, so just let it build up inside you, tearing you apart. What doesn't kill us? Makes us stronger! Don't bother with therapists. They will just take your money and string you along. Instead, watch Dr. Phil! Take all his down-home advice and hick sayings to heart, then ask yourself every night before you go to bed - how's that working for you?

Also keep what you know to yourself. Let the kids think that Mommy is the problem - not their daddy who likes to take it up the ass. You know, the mf who wanted to marry a nice lady and breed children in order to get all the benefits of doing-so. Little things like social acceptance and tax breaks. Why should he risk being burdened with all the problems those silly fags have to put up with when he can have someone like you at home to cover up all that butt-fucking he gets in the port-a-potty at the way side rest off the interstate on his way home from work? And don't worry, hon - he keeps himself clean with all those KFC wet-wipes you keep leaving in the mini van.

Yep, babycakes. Just follow the advice I've given you and everything - and I do mean everything - will work out just fine. Just fine.

Mmmm-kay? Keep us posted, hon.

Yes. We're homosexuals. We really do care.

It’s In His Kiss – Curse of the 20 Minute Fuck

Romance has definitely suffered in the age of the internet hook-up. There’s something very mercenary and mechanical about the whole process that renders real intimacy highly unlikely. Perhaps it’s the fact that electrically charged computer chips are arranging what chance encounters, fate and physical electricity used to create. Or is it akin to that instant gratification we receive from consuming fast food; a choice that seems like a good idea pre-consumption, but an act we almost always regret post-consummation?

One thing is true: something magical is missing. I think it’s in his kiss (or lack thereof).

You can argue that people who hook-up on the internet are actually seeking the polar opposite of intimacy, and I would agree. Intimacy with a total stranger, no matter how long you have teased each other with witty, clever double entendres and emoticons on-line, is not likely to happen. It does on occasion, but you have to be hooking up an awful lot for the odds to be in your favor.

Most internet hook-ups – and when I refer to hook-ups I am addressing the type where you go to someone’s home for the sole purpose of having sex and not those that begin with a relatively chaste meeting at the local coffee shop in the hopes of a long term relationship – resemble the machinations of romance, but lack its emotional substance. This is part of the appeal of such hook-ups for some and for others, the reason they remain unsatisfying. In a way, they are the physical/social manifestation of porn – we go through the motions without involving emotions. And like the situations found in most porn – people just show up on your door step, shed their clothes and have sex with you. What’s not to like about that?

I rarely regret a hook-up while the ball (or balls) is (are) in play, but once touch-down is achieved, the after burn can reverberate with more of a sting than a warm glow. What makes the difference? Great after care on the parts of both parties – this after care requires a little time, consideration and the participation of both parties. We’re talking about lingering looks, bodies touching; the kind of cuddling where breath and kisses are exchanged. Nothing says the party is over like one partner immediately springing up from the bed (or the garage floor, or the sofa, or …) and immediately heading for the bathroom and/or retrieving his clothing – all the while making horribly stilted small talk and avoiding eye contact. Hey – don’t get me wrong – I am just as guilty as anyone and have committed this post-coital faux pas numerous times. But in my defense - it is rare (and usually only after an episode of really bad sex or pity sex).

Overall, I think 50% of all hook-ups end awkwardly due to buyers remorse on the part of one partner or both, 10% due to catholic-jewish-religious guilt/shame and 40% due to either I-just-don’t-give-a-fuck or lack of a fucking clue. In any case – proper closure is not brought to the event and this leads to a general feeling of dissatisfaction. After such encounters I frequently ask myself – I douched and cleaned out my ass for this?

Then there is the timing factor. I must confess – I’m a clock watcher. Not during the actual act, but by the very constraints of a hook-up where punctuality is frequently an issue I am always patently aware of when the actual hook-up begins. I also take note of the time as I am leaving, usually due to a quick glance at the digital display in my car as I’m pulling away from the curb. I have discovered that the average sex act takes about twenty minutes from start to (hopefully, big) finish. This is true for any hook-up where there is no pretense of social interaction planned or implied. This is also true for any hook-up that does not involve 420 or (god forbid – and I do have a loudly broadcast moratorium on her presence during my lifetime) Miss Tina. This is also true of any hook-up that does not involve mind-blowing, breath-robbing, lip-throbbing kissing.

The twenty minute sex act (The 20 Minute Fuck) can include any and all of the following activities and/or kinks: kissing, oral, anal, rimming, armpits/feet worship, and role play. Any of these activities alone or in combination can easily take up the allotted time and result in both parties achieving orgasm (or as I like to think of it – everyone getting their cookies.) Twenty minutes is usually only enough time for two individuals. Menage a trois, group activities and gang bangs generally take a lot more time (keep in mind that in these cases there are incrementally more cookies to bake and that frequently requires more prep time).

Unfortunately, what the 20 Minute Fuck (sounds like a cookbook written by Rachel Ray, doesn’t it?) offers in the way of efficiency, it sadly lacks in intimacy. Yes, it is indeed in his kiss. Good kissing takes time. And quite frankly, I’d forgo the arrival of my cookies for really great, lingering, succulent kisses. (No, I wouldn’t. I’m such a liar.)

But kissing is the best. And it is romantic. And I wish everyone was good at it, offered them freely and frequently, felt the same as I do about them and was not stingy with them in the slightest or resented those that request them. That said – hypocrite that I am (aren’t we all?) there are people I don’t WANT to kiss (see: pity sex). But they are rare. I’ll mack with just about anybody. Provided they’re good at it. Oh, how I wish everyone was good at it.

But they’re not. Which is why the average hook-up only lasts 20 minutes.

But they’re not. Which is why the getting of the cookies trumps all.

But they’re not. And – in the course of your average internet hook-up - you only discover this once the ball(s) is(are) in motion. Which is too late to make a big deal out of it or do anything about it. (Not true. You could leave. But what about the cookies??? For god’s sake, won’t somebody think about the cookies! Honestly – when do we think about anything else?)

Good kissing. Why do so many lack this basic skill? In the case of most bad kissers, surely someone before me has pointed their glaring inability to them? If not, we all need to start doing our civic duty and point out such deficiencies experienced firsthand. Surely it is something that can be learned? (Perhaps I should teach an adult education class at the local Learning Annex?)

Obviously this kissing-thing is important to me… so why am I so resigned and willing to pursue an orgasm without it?

Because the getting of the cookies trumps all… it is the most basic of our base sexual needs.

There’s something so wrong with that.

Maybe I’m wired incorrectly (well, differently to be sure). It seems that my most basic sexual need should be grounded in intimacy. The intimacy found in deep, sensuous kisses.

Oh, if wishes were true.

I’d curse those cookies – but I know better. I’d rather have my bread buttered than have no bread.

I wonder what Rachel Ray would have to say about that?

(No, I don't.)