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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

TMI Questions: Happy Halloween!

Trick or treat?   
Smell my feet. 
Give me something good to eat! 

That little elementary school yard cheer takes on a whole new meaning as an adult, but the same could be said of Halloween in general. 

Yes, it used to be all about the sweets.  And dressing up.

Now, as adults, it’s all about the booze.  And wearing as little as possible.

It’s all in good fun.  And the best part?  Participation is not mandatory, nor is there any pressure or need to gather at a family member’s house for a coma-inducing, carb-filled meal.

Yeah, at most, with this holiday, you’ll put yourself at risk for diabetes – scarfing down all that candy.   Or, if you’re one of those adults who consume bodacious amounts of alcohol, perhaps a DUI.

In either case… have fun out there, kids!

Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information


TMI Questions: Happy Halloween!

Trick or Treat?

Trick, of course (need you ask?).

Provided of course that trick can host, doesn’t mind a little dog hair, kisses, can put up with my sloppy kisses, is adventuresome, is a little kinky, isn’t skittish, knows what he wants, responds to what I want, has good hygiene, doesn’t live with his mother, isn’t a total fashion queen, isn’t drenched in cologne, and can put up with at least three of my eighteen documented personas for 20 minutes. 

If he can manage that, then all is good and somebody’s doorbell is going to get rung at least once that night!

I can’t do the treats.  No candies for the man who gives the handies!  If the world deems me too much as is, then just imagine me high on the pure white stuff (I’m talkin’ sugar, sugah).  And if you really want to see me turn on a dime like a pirouetting  Tasmanian Devil, then give me a cup of joe and a plain, old-fashioned doughnut.  It’s frightening… like Ellen Burstyn’s character in ‘Requiem for a Dream’. 

Do you hand out candy, make sure you're not home or pretend to not be home?

My yard is fenced and gated and the gates all have locks on them. 

Why?  Because twelve years or so ago, at 9:00 pm on Halloween night, a group of three adolescent boys banged on the door.  They were a little old to be trick or treating, but I still had some candy.  I gave it to them and they threw it back at me and told me they didn’t ‘want no damn candy’, they wanted money.  I slammed the door in there faces and the next day hired a contractor to fence my whole yard.  

What's your favorite candy?

So, I no longer get to eat it while in the presence of others (for their safety), but I do have my faves (and will sneak some if I am staying home and not operating heavy machinery)(wait, does a laptop or flat screen T.V. count?). 

Faves include:

Dark Chocolate (but only one small piece or bite) – Abdallah, though Dove will do in a pinch

Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews – but only the dark chocolate ones

I have others, but I can’t eat very much of it.  I love dark chocolate and nuts (great combo) (nothing sexual intended).  I love nuts in general, though I’m slightly allergic to or developing an allergy to peanuts.  I eat them and I immediately start to choke a little.  So… you would think that I would not eat them, but… no.

Like Joan Crawford once she had her hooks into a man, I simply love them too much.

How big of a holiday is Halloween for you?

Not so much anymore.  It seems to be a holiday for small children and booze-happy adults. 

As a homeowner, I tried to get into the whole giving candy to children thing, but, as mentioned earlier, you see what that got me.  Also, I don’t care much for kids anymore, so fawning over them because their parents dressed them up as a princess?  Not my thing.  I mean, I will stoop to doing that if the opportunity is thrust upon me, but I’m just going through the motions because that is what is expected of me.  But, yeah, not big on kids or Halloween.

Adults have ruined it for me, too.  Too many drunks in the bars and on the roads.  I’ll stay home, thank you.  I no longer know anyone who throws parties, let alone a Halloween party.  That must be something we cycle through as adults – giving and going to parties.  I don’t miss it.  There was always a lot of anxiety associated with going or giving. 

Hmm.  I’m becoming a hermit.

And I’m frequently crabby.

Does that make me a hermit crab?

Sexy costume or scary?


Though I like the idea of doing sexy.  I might be able to pull something like that off now, but only if I wear a full face mask.  Ugly people in sexy costumes?  Well, that’s an entirely different kind of horror, now isn’t it? 

No, if I do sexy, I would want it to be in leather.  I doubt I would ever look as good as the men in my favorite pics, but I’d want to do it anyway, just to so I could say that I did it.  It would make me feel brave.  And that’s what costumes are supposed to be all about, am I right?  Stepping outside of your comfort zone, pretending to be something or someone you are not for a whole night?

There were a couple of years that I was into dressing up, mainly because I was in a relationship at the time and the dude wanted to dress up, or I was running around with a group of friends who wanted to.  Nothing like peer pressure to spur one to engage in the smearing on of the greasepaint.  As an adult, it would seem that my costumes always morphed into whatever was easily accessible.  I might start out with an idea, but end up settling for the culmination of the pursuit of said idea. 

In other words, a lack of planning on my part, due to lack of time, laziness, or apathy, resulted in some very odd, not terrifically clever, costumes.

I once went as Captain Stubing from ‘The Love Boat’ only because I had a white tux, white dress shoes, and happened on a white captain’s hat.  They were all leftovers from this musical version of ‘The Secret Life of Walter Mitty’ that I did in summerstock one year.  The production company stiffed me on one of my paychecks, so I took my costumes in retaliation.  They definitely got the better end of that deal. Yes.  Theater.  Lovely, lovely theater. 

And that’s how most of my costumes used to come about.  But not anymore.

Last year I went as a bag of leaves.

Yeah.  Don’t ask.

This year I am pinning a note to my shirt that reads… “Due to the recent government shutdown, there will be no Halloween costume this year.  Please send inquiries and comments to Ted Cruz @  Thank you.”

Ever have Halloween Sex while staying in costume/character?

Hmmm.  ‘Halloween Sex’.  Does that involve candy?  Is that how piñatas are born?  Stuffing all that candy up in there – grunt – grunt?  What an interesting delivery system. There was a time when I might have considered that a smart career move - pinata stuffer.

I love role play.  Adore it.  So staying in character is old hat for me.  But that has nothing to do with Halloween.

I once fucked a dude in a public restroom who was dressed as a cat.  I wasn’t in costume.  And, come to think of it, that wasn’t Halloween.  Hmm.   His costume had a nylon zipper under his tail, right up his butt crack.  Made for easy access.

Clever, that cat.

Be safe and have fun, kids. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Cher: 'Closer To The Truth'

Cher’s latest release, ‘Closer to the Truth’, bounced back into the Top Ten on Billboard’s 200 Chart last Thursday (10/24/13).  Bouncing back up into the top ten after having been on the charts for four weeks?  A rare occurrence these days.  She’s also been the greatest sales gainer for the past two weeks.  No mean feat!

The album debuted at #4, fell to #8 its second week, fell to #11 the third (but was still the greatest sales gainer that week), before landing back at #8 this past week.  Pretty amazing considering a number of factors; namely, lack of a viable hit single (‘Woman’s World’ went number one on the Club Play Chart without making even a token appearance on the Hot 100), and the fact that veteran acts simply aren’t garnering these kind of sales anymore. 

To put it in perspective, Madonna’s ‘MDNA’ debuted at #1 and then had its sales fall a scandalous 87% (a new record) in week two – a pattern that is becoming the norm for veteran acts.

So, what is the secret to Cher’s success?  I think its twofold.  First off, she’s remained accessible, alienating none of her fan base over the years.  This loyal following has resulted in sold out tours and respectable CD sales. Secondly, the CD, while not without flaws, is pretty good – as in – exactly what her fan base expects of her at this point in her career. 

Sure, she breaks no new ground, but she also doesn’t embarrass herself chasing markets that don’t suit her stature.  Let’s face it; at this point it would be unseemly for Cher to be singing in detail about the physical aspects of sex.  Therefore, all romance is referred in the most generic of terms which sadly results in a lot of well-worn phrases being tossed about.  Cliché’?  Or Classic? Let’s just say the lady knows when to take the high road and she does so with style.

That style?  It’s a little all over the place, which, if you take a look at Cher’s legendary career, is right on the money.  Almost every incarnation of Cher can be found within the various grooves on ‘Closer to the Truth’: Cher the balladeer rules the second half of the disc, while ‘Believe’ era Cher rules the first.  Sprinkled in there are lots of slices of classic late 80’s/early 90’s Cher, the faux rocker chick.

Quick Fun: Four fun facts about 'Closer To The Truth':

1/ The track 'Lovers Forever' was written in 1994 and originally intended for the film version of 'Interview With A Vampire'. Listen to the lyrics and you'll see how specific they are to that film. 

2/ Jake Shears of Scissor Sisters appears on 'Take It Like A Man'

3/ P!nk co-wrote the album closer, 'Lie To Me'

4/ A collaboration with Lady Gaga was dropped from the CD at the last minute because Lady G didn't like the track. Cher does, and plays it privately for friends. 

Oh, did I mention that Cher had a hand in writing the songs on the CD.  Perhaps that's why she sounds more invested than on her last one.

And speaking of writing, when you’re Cher, why settle for subtly when sweeping, oversized statements fit the bill.  The diva is definitely fully-engaged here, enjoying the hell out of yodeling such commands as, ‘Surrender to me now’ and making such declarations as ‘It’s a woman’s world’.

Under the guidance of producers Mark Taylor, Billy Mann, and dance floor filler Paul Oakenfold, ‘Closer to the Truth’ sounds modern and glossy, with nary a natural breath to be heard.  Not unlike the photos that accompany the CD, every song has been honed to a glossy, easy-to-consume, eye/ear catching finish.  I’d single out the highlights, but the truth is there isn’t a bad track in the bunch.  

That said, while everything is top notch and high quality, there isn’t what I would call an exceptional track, say, something on the same level of ‘Believe’, to be found.  

Sure, the lyrics, particularly some of the choruses, are cringe worthy, if only for the fact that we’ve heard it all before.  Did there really need to be yet another pop song called ‘Dressed to Kill’, ‘Take It Like A Man’, or ‘Red’?  

And, yes, things feel a bit old school, but hey… keep in mind that the lady is in her sixth decade.  Today’s teeny-bopper sexual sloganism which renders all songs something akin to naughty nursery rhymes isn’t for Cher, who long ago finely honed her storyteller chops.

All the dance cuts are great, cheesy fun, while the ballads that anchor the second half find our diva in good voice and form.  ‘Sirens’, which drips with U2’s bombastic balladeer style, is a true haunter. It’s during that song’s final moments that we hear Cher at her most vulnerable.  And that is just a hint as to why this CD works; it’s obvious to the listener that the woman is in love with each and every one of these songs.

All told (and in light of its sales), it’s hard to not declare the whole thing an absolute triumph. 

But then, what else did you expect?

It’s Cher.