Acquired Tastes, XXXII: Monogamy

Introduction:

The topic of monogamy popped up recently in the comments section, after I had written a piece that included a bit about my sexual appetite slowing down and how massive amounts of anonymous cock no longer held the appeal it once did.  The writer suggested that maybe I was ready for a nice monogamous relationship.  The notion caught me by surprise because if there is one thing I am not cut out for, that would be monogamy and it would seem that my past posts here would bear that out.  Still, I find the subject worthy of exploration.  It definitely qualifies as an Acquired Taste – or is it something you’re born into?  Personally, I don’t believe it’s natural (where have we heard that before?), but an agenda conventional society has been pushing for eons for its own preservation.  And while it makes sense for heterosexuals due to the ever-present possibility of breeding, I can’t think of why homosexuals, and in particular gay men, have felt the need to adopt this subjective construct. 

And then there’s the whole marriage thing – another reason I don’t see why gays feel the need to comply; it’s a sacrament we are not privy to.  I frequently wonder if, beyond the tax, financial, and legal benefits to be derived, this is simply an attempt on the part of gay people to try to ‘pass’ and be ‘accepted’  - both of which are code words for: desperately feeling the need to fit in.  Isn’t the whole point of being gay to live ‘outside the box’?  Why can’t we fly in the face of convention and define our own terms?  Why do we desire to be…. like them?

So, let’s now join hands, two by two, limit our options by defining our scope, and make a commitment to explore and examine the constraints, advantages, and validity of…  

Monogamy

Scope of Activity:

Social monogamy refers to two partners living together, having sex with each other, and cooperating in acquiring basic resources such as shelter, food, and money.

Sexual monogamy refers to two partners remaining sexually exclusive with each other and having no outside sex partners.

Genetic monogamy refers to two partners only having offspring with each other.

Marital monogamy refers to marriages of only two people.

For this discussion I will limit most of my examination to sexual monogamy: those relationships between two gay men where there is a commitment made to have sex only with each other.

The Official Line:

From Wikipedia

Monogamy is a form of marriage in which an individual has only one spouse during their lifetime or at any one time (serial monogamy), as compared to polygamy or polyamory.  In current usage, monogamy often refers to having one sexual partner irrespective of marriage or reproduction. The term is also applied to the social behavior of some animals, referring to the state of having only one mate at any one time.

Psychological Aspects:

What are the psychological benefits of monogamy?  The potential for intimacy, the potential to develop a deep bond, a reliable outlet for sexual expression; all really worthy, desirable things. 

Lots of stuff has been written about this type of relationship.  We are led to believe, thanks to the media and society as a whole, that this is the way things ought to be and that MONOGAMY IS IMPORTANT.  Because if you can’t be in a committed, exclusive, monogamous relationship, then there is something wrong with you, you are a damaged human being, you are immature, you are… unworthy of love (okay, that last one is not true, but, hey, that message is out there).

Take your typical romantic comedy (which is ALL romantic comedies).  They all turn on the same theme: that a committed, sexually exclusive relationship is not only the ‘correct’ and acceptable kind of relationship to pursue – it is the ONLY kind of relationship to be considered.  We never see Jennifer Anniston contemplate the validity of her open relationship with Paul Rudd while Ryan Gosling is knocking at her door.  No, that would be a serious adult drama or indie flick.  My point is – as a society we really never give consideration to any other relationship model.  And, as I’ve said, that makes sense for the heteros, because otherwise life would be just one big Maury Povich  ‘Who’s My Baby’s Daddy?’ segment.   And I will even go so far as to say that it works for lesbians because of the whole nesting instinct thing (and, yes, maybe dudes have it, too, but based on the condition of many of the apartments and homes I have been fucked in, I’m going to say ‘no’).  But it makes no sense for gay men (unless moving in together and marriage is part of that package; the former having to do with financial streamlining and the latter having to do with a desire to conform to heterosexual convention). 

That said, when trying to come up with the emotional benefits of having a monogamous relationship, I immediately wanted to say: security, partnership, support and reliability.  Why?  Because I think most of us have it locked in our brains that monogamy = marriage; in other words, that commitment to limit sexual activity to within the confines of a defined one-on-one relationship brings with it a sort of all-encompassing pact that guarantees company, companionship, and an end to loneliness.   

What are the potential disadvantages of monogamy?   Boredom.  Unnecessary drama.  Jealousy.  A lack of sex.  Monotony. 

You like meatloaf?  Imagine eating it every night for the rest of your life.  It’s that, or go hungry.  Welcome to your monogamous relationship.

What?  Yes, my view is a bit jaded.  Read on and find out why. 

It’s not like I’m some 19 year old homo talking about something I know nothing about.  No, I’m a much, much older homo with a giant chip on his shoulder talking about something he knows nothing about.

Precautions, Misconceptions, Fallacies, and Encouraged Practices

If monogamy is something that you feel you want to pursue, here are some suggestions:

Don’t try to define a relationship as monogamous until the relationship has ample time and opportunity to develop.  Trust me, relationships are not one-size-fits-all.  That trick you dragged home last night may indeed be the man of your dreams, or he may just be the man of the moment.  Also: trying to define a relationship based on one night of hot, sloppy sex?  Not a good idea.

Be sure to let your freek flag fly early.  If you are thinking that this is ‘the one’ and you want to be sexually exclusive, make sure all your sexual deviation cards are on the table.  Dan Savage’s column is filled with letters from folks who are in a committed, monogamous relationship where one half has failed to disclose that what really gets them off is having their partner wear panties and a George W. Bush mask while choking them and referring to them as ‘Mr. Rove’.

Communication is key to not only a healthy monogamous relationship, but to good sex as well.  Good sex is key to a healthy monogamous relationship.  Unless it’s not.  Does a non-sexual relationship between two a-sexuals qualify as a monogamous relationship?  Hmmm.

If you are cheating on your partner?  Don’t kid yourself.  You are not in a monogamous relationship.

You don’t have to live together, share a bank account, or adopt a Hello Kitty baby in order to be in a monogamous relationship.  You can each maintain your own condos, never need to meet each other’s parents, and still agree to only fuck each other.  It sounds like a bloodless affair, but hey, Log Cabin Republicans have to get off, too.

My Experience:

To quote the character of Martha from Edward Albee’s ‘Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?’ (My personal go-to-manual on building healthy relationships), “I tried.  God knows I tried!” 

I grew up convinced that monogamy was the only option, mainly because it was the only model I was aware of at the time.  If you live in a town where all they sell is Pinto station wagons, guess what?  You’ll be driving a Pinto station wagon.  It wasn’t until many, many years later (and some would say many, many years too late) that I discovered how much fun it was to be a slut, fucking around without any need to define any of it as ‘a relationship’.  While on occasion I may find myself less-than-happy, I can assure you: I am a lot happier now than I ever was in the midst of trying to maintain a monogamous relationship.

Bottom line:  I love sex.  Lots and lots of sex.  With many people.  One person is never going to be able to bring to the table everything that I desire.

I’ve had six serious relationships, all of which were monogamous (supposedly). 

The first was when I was 17 going on 18.  He was a 36 year old actor on tour.  I was a theatre student.  It lasted six months.  He wanted me to move to New York.  The end.

It takes me years and years to recover.

At the age of 26, I attempt Relationship #2.  He’s a 24 year old art student.  There are issues from the get go and the situation dissolves into a confusing mess.  Years later I learn that his primary relationship during this time was actually with a bottle of Jim Beam.  Which, of course, explains everything, except how could I have been so clueless?

Three years later, out of the closet, I give it a go, again.  He’s short dude ten years my senior with control issues.  After a year of what I can only term ‘sexual extortion’ (he puts out if I put up), I come to realize that I am not in a relationship so much as a hostage situation.  I negotiate my own release and hop right into…

Relationship #3.  He’s 6’6”, handsome, huge dick, sexually adventurous, sweet as the day is long, great temperament, puts up with all my drama and bullshit.  He is a saint.  And a recovering alcoholic who is doing really well remaining sober. 

We have a lot of the same interests, my parents like him, we have a successful business together.  But I’m still doing theater.  I have the worst theatre experience ever.  I decide I have to get out of the Twin Cities and choose to move to Iowa for a year, to work for a newspaper.  I tell him we’ll rent a farm and live there.  He helps me move there, but never joins me.  We remain friends.  A year later, after I have sold all my stuff, he drives me to the airport as I go to live in Los Angeles to be with Relationship #4.  He falls off the wagon, moves to Seattle (where I visit him twice a year), contracts HIV, and his liver fails.  He dies.  No one bothers to let me know.  In retrospect, I have come to realize – HE WAS THE ONE.  If only I had been more forthcoming about my sexual needs and desires and not insisted on a monogamous relationship.  If only I had not been involved in theater or at least not allowed it to dictate my life.  If only I had not been so selfish, myopic, self-involved, angry, stupid, short-sighted, immature, irresponsible, etc.  He was a wonderful man.  And I was not.

I move to L.A. to live with a short, ten years older than me, author/guru/artist with control issues.  We have nothing in common.  The sex is not good.  I get to travel a lot during this time period, but in the end, I come to realize that while we keep changing the scenery, the players remain the same.  In a nut shell (apt), it was a play with a limited run which closed early.

#6.  I… don’t…. know… what… I….. was… thinking.  It works on some levels.  It does not work on many levels.  I should have known better.  I grow up.  I evolve.  I come to realize who I am: which is not the bill of goods I sold the dude in order to seal the deal. Now?  I feel sorry for him.  I feel obligated.  Obligation does not a healthy relationship make…

Score: Bullshit 6, Monogamy 0

Who do I blame?  The Catholic Church, Heterosexual Society, The Media (particularly those rom-coms), My Parents, My Teachers, The Boys Scouts of America, Theatre.

Who is to blame?  Well, duh.  I spent a good deal of my life as a “selfish, myopic, self-involved, angry, stupid, short-sighted, immature, irresponsible”, self-hating, bitter, frightened homo.  Small wonder none of that worked out, huh? 

Well, give me credit for trying.  And I did. 

“God knows I tried!”

My Conclusion:

Monogamous relationships are not for everyone.  Your experience may vary.

I would love for you to use the comment section and tell me all about your wonderful, healthy, long-term, monogamous relationship. 

Share your stories, your experiences, and advice.  Almost anything you have to offer (like hope for the rest of us), will be a vast improvement over the bile-soaked mess I have managed to cough up in this post. 

I know it’s not all a bed of roses, but monogamy can work for two healthy adults. 

It must.

I’ve seen it. 

At the movies…

Your Boyfriend Fucks Me, Too: A Sex Trilogy, Pt. 3

I arrive at his apartment building in record time, still buzzed from my recent brush with the law.  Pumped and feeling good, it makes me wanna have sex!  He buzzes me in and I head down a very familiar hallway. In fact, I have been to this apartment before.

There’s a twenty-something that lives there.  He frequently hits me up on-line and tells me to get my ass over to his apartment so he can fuck it.  He’s blonde, tall, thin, with a couple of nice tats.  Great bod.  Cute as hell.  Could do way better than my ass.  Always very much on the down low. 

The scenario is always the same:  I enter, strip, get on my knees as he poppers up.  I suck him hard, though usually he’s already hard when I get there.  He’s always nude when I walk in, too.  The lights are off, with the television providing the only light.  He usually has some stupid reality competition on, which I think he may actually watch as we fuck. 

The scene is all about the poppers; he pushes them under my nose, he takes giant hits.  They are always good, fresh, powerful.  Maybe I tweak his nips.  Maybe I squeeze his ass as I suck him.  But after that it’s all about the fucking.  Me on all fours or standing, bent over in front of him.  He likes it raw and intense, as do I.  We are usually done in twenty minutes.  I rarely cum, and he could care less.  Don’t get me wrong – he’s a nice guy, just not looking for friendship.  He wants me to grab my shit and get out as soon as possible.  I’m cool with that; it’s what I signed up for.

I knock, and this time, a tall, thin dude a few years my junior opens the door.  He’s wearing sweat pants and showing hard.  From the get go, he’s friendly, talkative, sweet.  The lights are on and the television is off.  He’s in great shape and his tats are out of this world; giant tribal tats caressing the curves of his body.  He strikes me as a former circuit boy. 

I do what I always do when I get to this apartment.  I set my stuff down – cock rings, lube, and poppers – and then start to strip.  He laughs and suggests we head back to the bedroom.

Huh?

Wow.  Am I stepping in something?  Is this cool?  I want to ask, but decide that maybe now is not the time.  Hell, I want my nut, so I push all concerns off to the side and follow him back to the bedroom.  Music is playing, the lighting is nice.  This is so not the cum and go scene I thought it would be.  

He kisses me.  Deep.  Full.  It’s like sinking into a nice glass of merlot.  I wallow in the richness, the warmth.  Clothes fall off, his lips never leaving mine.  He pushes me toward the bed and I excuse myself for a moment.  My dick is already hard, but I want my cock rings.  With great effort, I manage to get them on.  He’s never played with cock rings and is kind of fascinated. 

He slides back on the bed and I get between his legs and take his stiff dick in my mouth.  It’s nice.  Seven and half inches with nice low hangers.  I take those suckers in hand and give ‘em a twist and a tug.  He moans.  He’s my kind of man.   I look up and take in his face; rugged, cute/handsome, charming.  A little on the boyish side, but that is also because he’s so wiry, so thin.  His body is nice… taut muscles and I am guessing zero percent body fat.  I return my focus to his dick, which he appreciates. 

Soon we’re 69ing it.  I like his technique.  Good kissers typically make for excellent cock suckers.  In this position, I start playing with his ass.  He doesn’t protest, so I figure it’s on the table.  I reverse the 69, so we can kiss again before getting on top of him in order to grind my dick into his.  Then I slip my cock down and slide it between his ass cheeks.  I playfully rub my dick along his taint, checking in with him to make sure it’s coo.  

Now, keep in mind, the original intent of this get together was for him to fuck me… but suddenly, I don’t see it that way.  I work my way down and start sucking his dick again.  Then his balls.  Then his hole.  It’s nice and clean.  Dude has excellent hygiene.  He’s also into it.  I eat that motherfucker like it was pussy and I’m a porn star.  Lavishing some serious attention on that pucker, I have him rolling up and offering his ass up on a platter.   I tongue it and suck it and deep kiss it like I own it.

So, you know I’mma gonna wanna fuck it.

It’s his body.  Despite his height, he’s so wiry, so thin, so boyish that I just want to dom him.  It always starts with that damn first kiss.  If it’s good, it lights a certain fire in me.  I don’t top, but I’mma gonna wanna fuck him.

And I do.  He’s so fucking tight.  Lots of lube.  With my cock rings on, including one around my balls, my dick is like a fucking baseball bat – all veins and muscle.  It takes a bit, but once I’m in I’m pounding hard.  Why?  Because I know I am not gonna last long.  These days, I never do.  I don’t know why.  And sure enough, I’m squirting my jizz down his chute in no time with little warning.  Fortunately my dick remains hard and with the cum making his hole even slicker, I just keep fucking his ass.  Yeah, not a lot of variation here, but it was a decent fuck.

My dick starts to lose that drive.  I bend in and kiss him.  He’s talkative.  Playful.  The heat remains between us; an intimacy that is as exciting as it is unexpected.  I am having a good time.  And I know full well our good time is far from over.

Now he’s on top of me, and then down between my legs.  He doesn’t eat my ass.  He just plugs it with his cock.  And it feels good.   Lots of lube.  Unlike me, he changes it up, twisting my body this way and that way, kissing me on and off the whole time.  Soon we’re spooning sideways, his dick still inside me, the two of us in sync with one another perfectly.   I love the way it feels.  Tightening up my hole, I milk his dick. He moans, loving it, and responds by rapid bunny fucking me.

The heat remains.  The heat builds.  Me flat with him on my back.  Me on all fours with him pounding my ass full force.  But this dude knows how he wants it to end; me on my back with my legs up in the air as he leans in for that big, final, deep kiss.

This is my favorite way to take a load.  And I do.  Deep in my gut.  Our lips locked onto one another’s. 

So, I am totally rocked.  My bod is spent in the best way possible.  He’s happy, too.  We embrace and stay that way for a bit.  And he’s talkative.  He’s playful.  In no rush to get me out.  He offers me towels to clean up.  We talk about past experiences and partners and the cock rings.  We talk about poppers and that stuff dude’s spray into a towels and then put in their mouth.  We laugh at how stupid that can get.  We laugh at how old we are.  This is a really nice guy…

…whose boyfriend fucks me, too.

I don’t say anything.  I leave it as is.  Four days later he hits me up on-line.  He wants to fuck me again.  I tell him I have an early day and have to hit the sack… otherwise I would so be there.  And that was not a lie.  I would love to get together with him again, despite the weird situation. I mean, I assume he knows his boyfriend fools around on the side.  Obviously HE’S fooling around on the side.  So why do I think this is a dilemma? Do I keep my mouth shut?  Do I now have to choose one over the other?  Or can I keep fucking them both?

What do you think?

I don’t have an answer right now.  I will work on it during my upcoming vacation.  I am getting out of Minneapolis for an entire week; away from all these men I know a little too well; kind of a cleansing of the palette, if you will. This is an opportunity to be a stranger in a strange town which translates into me getting it on with plenty of strange.

I’ll let you all know how it all goes down. 

You know I always do…