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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

TMI Questions: Call Me

"Hello?  How are you?
Have you been all right?
Through all these lonely, lonely nights.
That's what I'd say,
I'd tell you everything,
If you'd pick up that telephone..."
- ('Telephone Line', written by Jeff Lynne)

I bought that 45 RPM record.  It came on green vinyl in a picture sleeve. It forever cemented my love for the guilty pleasure that will always be Electric Light Orchestra. 

It did not, however, endear me to the telephone.  I simply never acquired a desire or taste for hanging on the telephone.   I’d rather see someone in the flesh or write an email/letter.  It could be because I never had anyone to talk to on the phone. 

But my relationship with this particular form of communication has always been dicey at best. 

It’s easy to lose one’s temper when speaking into a piece of plastic.

Cell phones?  It has taken me a long ass time to adapt.  They hold no interest for me.  I’ve never understood why anyone would get excited about the latest version of a given cell phone model. 

That’s changed a bit.

These days, I text some.  Texting and email have become my favorite means of communication, namely because both allow me to self-edit myself.  That saves me a lot of aggravation, as it’s easy to undo the harm caused by a few careless written words.

But I still don’t like to talk on the phone.  Hell, most of the time I don’t answer either my work phone or my cell.  I suppose someday that will bite me in the butt, missing some emergency phone call. 

Fortunately people have adapted and learned about the text thing.

Except my mother.  And, of course…

…I still take all her calls.

Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information


TMI Questions: Call Me

Do you still have a land line?

Just got rid of it last month; in an effort to save money and a lack of need.  I have a feeling land lines are now obsolete.  The only people who ever called were solicitors, pollsters, non-profits looking for donations, or the city to telling me which side of the street to park on.  Thanks to the net, there are better ways to do all that.

I miss rotary dial phones, though.

Yes, I’m a romantic. 

Me, and Joan Crawford.

Which cell phone do you use and why?

Droid 4G. 

It came with the plan I am on and it was free –mainly because I think a newer version came on the market at the time and they had to get rid of these older models.  Still, it was an upgrade from what I was (not) using previously, so it’s new to me.  I have actually embraced it – much more than my previous Droid. 

I liked that little critter ‘Droid’ on my old phone.  He seems to have gone the way of land lines.

Oh, and this phone?

I actually answer it on occasion.

Which provider do you use? Is there really a difference?

I use Verizon.  And I have no idea if there’s a difference or not.  I think the grass is always advertised as greener, but you know what – it’s a damn phone – so I have a feeling they all have the same technology (if not the same coverage), so it comes down to price. 

I think everyone overpays for their phone service.  But, it’s like cable television (something else I recently gave up to save money) and internet service – expensive necessities.  Those companies have us over a barrel and are only too happy to fuck our asses’ silly.

If you call someone and they don't pick up, do you leave a message?

Only if it is important. 

Otherwise, the minute the service picks up, I opt out.  Why bother leaving a rambling, vague message.  I have a friend who does that.  It makes me want to punch him every time I see him.  It’s like… get to the point already, fucker. 

Unfortunately, with him, there rarely is one.

When you have a missed call (with no message), do you call the person back?

No, for the reason cited above.  If it’s important, they will leave a message.  Otherwise, it’s just a time waster. 

I think this is a fairly universal operating procedure. 

Do you text willingly or reluctantly? How are your skills?

I love to text.  Because I don’t actually have to talk to anyone and people tend to be pretty succinct when they text (i.e. not wasting my time). I like it when people get right to the point and having to type on those tiny keys rather encourages that.

My skills are poor.  Stupid fingers.

Has your cell replaced your camera?

Some.  For work, I am more likely to use my phone camera, now. It’s fast and easy, the quality is good enough, and I can instantly email the photos to someone. 

I still have my digital camera in my man bag at all times. 

I’m not sure why.


I prefer my digital camera for self pics (Selfies? Such an awful word.  It suggests masturbation on an all-new narcissistic level). 

Holding the cell phone away from one’s self is awkward, frustrating as hell, and rarely produces a good pic. 

How many apps do you have? Which is your favorite and why?

Not sure.  I don’t use most of them (lots of google related crap), though I have a navigator app that I swear at a lot while driving.

I am still of the mindset that a phone is for person-to-person communication, not entertainment.   I doubt, due to the size of the device, that will ever change.  I am a comfort seeker and phones (personal communication) make me anything but (lots of anxiety).

Perhaps the device is guilty by association.

I tried. 

But I would never play a game on my phone.  I have no need for the hook-up apps available.  The rest?  Spam and junk, as far as I’m concerned.

What would life be like with no cell/smart phone for one month?


I text my Field Trip Buddy (now, my boyfriend) every day and sometimes all day long.  We text so much, I had to upgrade to unlimited texting.   And happy (and lucky) to do so. 

Before he came on the scene?  I would have been fine without it.  The only person to text me was my business partner, and those texts almost always concerned something going wrong at one of our rental houses.  Ignorance may result in nasty surprises down the road, but that would be one sweet month.

I bet I would get a lot more done.

How much has your cell phone become a part of your sex life?

Hmmm.  I never tried fucking it.  Is there an app for that?

It would seem out of place in the bedroom, but… I’m listening.

Sexting, hookup apps, selfies, video, GPS, more?

Only when flirting with my FTB / boyfriend.

I used to get into it with random strangers, but I’ve never met any of them.  I think they got off on the back and forth and had no intention of meeting up, as meeting face-to-face never came up.  Just as well.  Bullets dodged. 

Hook-up Apps:
Tried four of them, they all sucked.  I deleted everything a few months ago due to lack of need/interest.  I think they are an incredible waste of time and emotional energy, but that is the conclusion I have come to re: all on-line hook up sites/apps. Those of you who see value and enjoy that sort of thing?  More power to you. 

Looking back?  I consider the amount of time I wasted, how frustrating it all was, how hurtful total strangers could be.  That I did not recognize my unhappiness over those many years is rather troublesome, considering I believe I know myself quite well.  Maybe those who are addicted to slot machines develop the same type of blind spot. 

I mean, I kept plugging away at those sites for years waiting for some kind of big pay out. 

And, yes, I hooked-up with a ton of dudes.  But it wasn’t making me happy. Crazed, lustful, greedy, over-stimulated, reckless, and a tad insane?  Oh, yeah, absolutely.

And, yes, I realize that if it wasn’t for those hook-up sites I would probably have never met my current beau. Thankfully, he had higher standards than I did.  He was waiting for quality.

And yes, I realize he may have been sold a bill of goods, but thankfully, he’s a very gentle, forgiving, patient soul. 


I guess I might have finally gotten that big pay out after all, huh?

No need for them these days. 

When I did take them, I preferred using my digital camera and transferring them to my cell. Quality control is an important factor when marketing any product.

Never have, never will. 

Though I thought about filming an entire movie with my phone.  Not sure what that would prove, though.  That tiny, bad quality images can be insufferably long, perhaps?

Yes.  And as stated, I yell at it all the time.  My new phone rarely gets me where I need to be, unlike my old phone, which occasionally would get me where I needed to be, stress free.

Ah, yes.  Stress free.  That is the whole point of most of this technology, right?  To make our lives easier?  Unfortunately, it all just seems to bring its own little suitcase of troubles to cope with.

The other morning I was sitting with my Dad who has Alzheimer’s.  My Mom had left her cell phone sitting on the table.  I turned my back for a second and when I turned back, my Dad had taken her cell phone put it in my cup of coffee.

Maybe my Dad has more on the ball than I think.


More?  Really?

As stated previously, playing a game, shopping, watching a movie, watching television, or whatever - on my cell seems like something I would do only if trapped somewhere for a long period of time.  In that event, I doubt I would have a phone charger with me, so I would save my battery for something that actually matters. 

What I have discovered? As technology continues to find new means of entertaining us, our imaginations die.  Living a life where we are spoon-fed images, stories, ideas, information, and news by these devices causes other abilities that we have to suffer greatly. 

When I think of my sexual fantasy life back in my teens and how potent that stuff was, I realize how spoiled my senses are these days.  I’ve become desensitized to so much. 

More and more, I find myself pulling the plug.

Good-bye cable.  Good-bye internet porn.  Good-bye hook-up sites. 

I’m doing this in the hopes of regaining some of that tingle that used to make my days and nights electric.  I think people move from the city to the country for the same reason; to remove themselves from the technological onslaught. 

Pretty rich, for a dude who blogs on occasion, huh?

Well, I’m not going to give up everything.

“Well, okay.
So, no one’s answering.
Well can't you just let it ring a little longer?
I’ll just sit tight,
Through the shadows of the night,
Let it ring for evermore…”

Monday, December 16, 2013

Recipe for A Wonderful Weekend: Good Music, Great Food, Martinis, and The Right Field Trip Buddy

I had a wonderful weekend, and hope you did, too! 

The Twin Cities Gay Men’s Chorus held their annual Holiday Concert at the Ted Mann Concert Hall this weekend and I had the pleasure of attending, not only the concert, but the after show celebration at the Downtown Minneapolis Hilton Garden Inn, as well.  I had a great time at both.   More on that later…

'Star of Wonder', TCGMC's holiday offering
It turned out to be a weekend filled with wonderful food, great company, and several marvelous martinis.
It was also filled with the kind of companionship I have always dreamed of.  My new ‘person of interest’ and I have been defining ourselves as ‘Field Trip Buddies’, though this weekend the term ‘boyfriend’, referring to yours truly, was used on several occasions (fingers crossed). 

Me?  Oh, hell yeah, I’m stupidly smitten, of course.  This dude is pretty much every fantasy/ romantic notion my 18 year-old self ever concocted.   Seriously, every treacle-filled, gooey infused love ballad I hear causes the corners of my eyes to brim with tears of joy these days; every day feels like I’m going to the prom on the arm of my dream date.  I truly could not be happier with the way things are going.

I fully recognize that we are still in the infatuation phase, but I have been very realistic and pragmatic about it as well; checking in with him periodically to see how he’s feeling about things, voicing my concerns, while communicating exactly how grateful I am for the time I get to spend with him.  We have a lot in common and I’m excited to see where this all might be headed.  Living with a sense of hope is an amazing feeling (and something I am not used to).

Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus
The most amazing thing for me?  I’ve never been more honest.  It feels damn good.  In fact, I can’t get over all the positive changes I’ve made in my life and the change in my outlook and general being. 

Matt Alber
My family?  They are still experiencing a kind of emotional whiplash, in light of the change in status of my 17 year relationship with my business partner.  I did my best to break the news as gently and slowly as possible, but apparently more time and reassurance is needed. 

You see, I have a history of sort of rebooting my life without warning.  Those kinds of ‘turn on a dime’ logistics tend to make others a tad leery, as they worry about my sanity, health, and well-being.  They also need time to adjust. 

My mother, for instance, is terribly worried that I will run off and abandon her and my father in North Minneapolis.  But she needn’t worry. 

For a change, I am actually giving everyone’s concerns credence and ample attention.  I no longer wish to be careless with people, as I cherish the relationships I have, including the one I enjoy with my business partner.   I’m doing all I can to ensure that everyone is as happy for me as I am happy.

One of the changes they are all struggling with?  I’m not sitting on my couch anymore.  I am actually going out and doing things – going to museums, concerts, restaurants, bars, tarot card readings, game nights, movie nights, parties, and the like. 

This weekend I got to see the Twin Cities Men’s Chorus with special guest artist Matt Alber. 

It was a lot of fun.  The Ted Mann Concert Hall is a great venue and TCGMC put it to good use.  The staging, overall, was very well done.  Stars, which hung overhead on stage, served as the overall theme for the evening, with many of the songs making reference to them.  It made for a pleasant evening, as the program featured a plethora of familiar seasonal tunes.

However, not all was well.  Problems within the choir became glaringly apparent by the fourth number, a superb arrangement of ‘I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day’, as director Dr. Ben Riggs failed to reign in his singers or achieve the type of balance necessary to pull off such a striking take on this familiar holiday favorite.  Pitch prob
Dr. Ben Riggs, Director
lems also plagued this particular number.

Based on what I witnessed, what may be at the root of the balance issue lies with the choir’s lack of attention paid to their director.  Many of the singers, excited by the prospects of opening night, tended to have their eyes glued forward, playing to the audience and rarely checking in with their director.  That style of presentation works in small ensembles, like a glee club, but this is a large choir and it was clear throughout the night, that Riggs did not have proper control over his singers, as the issue of balance raised havoc with a couple of the selections.

However, the choir redeemed themselves a number of times throughout the evening.  When they were on, such as their backing of 'Ave Maria', their sound was stellar, solid, and fully realized.  By the second half of the program, this wealth of sound became more the norm. 

Unsurprisingly, I had little patience for the novelty choreography that populated a few of the numbers, nor did I care much for the small ensemble group, OUTLOUD!, who performed two numbers – the first, an unlistenable mess.  I can’t imagine this particular grouping of singers sustaining a whole evening of song.   The featured soloists were also a mixed bag.  Several of them possessed nice voices, but were obviously in need of a bit more coaching. 

Small Ensemble, OUTLOUD!
Special guest, Matt Alber proved to be a great match for TCGMC.  He opened solo, in front of a scrim, with a Joni Mitchell tune in a key not suited for his lovely, warm voice.  That fact became even more apparent once he sang one of his signature tunes, ‘Velvet Goldmine’, which found him in great form.  His overall affect was downhome and approachable throughout the evening, adding a great deal of warmth to the proceedings. 

The highlight of Matt’s contributions came in the second half of the evening, when he sang a very interesting arrangement featuring Bette Midler’s staple, ‘The Rose’  sung atop  the choir singing ‘Lo, How a Rose E’er Bloom’.  Had that been Matt’s final contribution, the evening would have ended on a spectacular high. 

Unfortunately, Mr. Alber has a fancy for gospel (?) or at least what he apparently thinks passes for gospel.  A rather ill-advised arrangement of ‘O Holy Night’, significantly marred by some rather awkward vocal runs by Matt, made for a disappointing end to the whole affair.  (Mr Alber?  Gospel is NOT your thing.  So stop doing that, okay?)

Overall, I sure am glad I got to see this concert.  And I have it on good authority that by the Sunday Matinee, the choir had settled in, giving their best performance of the run.

I got to meet Matt Alber at the closing night party. That was kind of a letdown, as is meeting most of the performers I admire.  My few words of praise regarding his most famous composition, ‘End of the World’ seemed to fall on deaf ears and didn’t even warrant so much as a thank you (though he mumbled something about letting his people know).  Maybe he was tired (or tired of people complimenting him for that song).  Although Matt sure seemed to muster up enough energy to hang on every word spoken by the cute twink who was talking to him before me.   Hmmm.  (Et tu, Matt?)

In any event, I had a truly marvelous weekend.  And that happiness managed to spill over to the next day.  Even with the snow and the bitter temperatures this morning (on a Monday, no less), I found myself sitting in my frozen car exclaiming aloud, ‘What a wonderful world this is!’

And the amazing thing?

I honestly meant it. 

Field Trip Buddy - Matt Alber

Velvet Goldmine - Matt Alber

Silent Night - TCGMC (2011)

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

TMI Questions: The War On Christmas, 2013

Oh, dear… it is that time of year.  Again?

To tell the truth – more than any other year, this one doesn’t feel like it. I see the seasonal décor everywhere, but it means very little to me this year.  I think it’s because everything I have planned on and done for the past seventeen years got tossed up into the air.  Whether it lands anywhere?  I guess we’ll see, but I’m not holding my breath.

Like many, the holidays are always bittersweet for me. Childhood memories battle with present realities.  I remember being so damn excited as a kid. But now it all feels as artificial and false as a celebrity-filled awards show.

I guess once I learned that Santa was not real, the blinders came off, and I have been suspicious of this season ever since.

Still… I do appreciate all the good people do for others this time of year.  That warms the heart… even if some of them are doing it for the publicity or to make up for all the shitty things they did the rest of the year. 

I like to light candles this time of year.  The simplicity of that flame burning in the dark?  That pretty much sums up the meaning of Christmas for me.

Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information


TMI Questions: The War On Christmas 2013

Which religion or faith do you belong to, if any?

Good question.  I am going to go with none of the above.  I am a practicing Catholic, but also a recovering Catholic.  I keep going to church because it’s an opportunity to sing with others that requires no rehearsal time.  I also like the general direction that the church is headed these days (Yay: New Pope, Boo: Mr. Nienstedt – you are not my archbishop, sir). 

But, ultimately I am either an agnostic or an atheist.  And I am getting comfortable with that idea.  I’ve always wanted to be a realist.  I’ve always strived to rid myself of magical thinking – which is what I believe most religion is at its core.  From what I have experienced it is all about money, control, and power – with unhealthy doses of narcissism, fear, shame, and very public expressions of some very strange kinks (which is what I believe homophobia to all about – it’s a kink – Mr. Nienstedt?  You is one kinky bastard!).

I have faith in the universe.

I have faith in the power of love.

I believe in the good of people. 

So many have lost sight of what is good and simple.  I think of people who want and need, but do not really want or need anything and feel sad.  They are greedy and selfish.  The media celebrates these people and tells us these folks are accomplished individuals, but… they are merely cogs in a shit machine.

I believe in happiness.

…and not long ago there was a time when I never thought I would ever feel that way in a million years.

I am one lucky schmuck.

What is your opinion of Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays?

Who cares? They are merely words.  It’s the intent of the individual speaking that matters.  If you say ‘Happy Holidays’ because you are being a politically correct bully? Then piss on you.  If you are wishing me a ‘Merry Christmas’ because you feel that you have God on your side and that other interpretations of the holiday season are ‘wrong’? Then shove a lump of coal up your poop shoot, you self-righteous thug.

But if you wish people either of those things and truly mean it, as in, you understand what a special, forgiving, gentle, and loving time of year this can be?

Then say whatever you want.

Mary Chris Moose to you, too.

Holiday music on the radio? When and how much?

A little goes a long way.  After a point it makes me feel like I have rats gnawing at the inside of my skull.

I like it (Xmas music, not rats).  It makes me sad.  It makes me think of pitiful shopping malls and unsold toys that sit on shelves without the hope of every having a home.

When I was a stupid little kid, I once stood inside a Wallgreens bawling my eyes out on Christmas Eve because of all the toys that were sitting on the shelves that nobody wanted. I couldn’t imagine how sad those toys would feel once that aluminum gate was brought down and the lights went out. My heart went out to them.

It also makes me think of this one Christmas album that had an illustration of a roaring fire, a trimmed tree, and Santa leaving presents on its cover. I loved that album.  It had a bunch of songs I have never heard anywhere else.  There was one that went…

“Ho, ho, ho, it’s Christmas
Happy, happy Christmas
Time to put the stockings up
Time to trim the tree
Time to something – something - something
For the whole wide world to see”

My mother did not want it and threw it out.  I rescued it and played it on this moldy old 1940’s phonograph in the basement.  I would play it all year long.  We had one of those giant octopus furnaces with the door that opened and you could see the flame.  I would pretend that was a fire place and decorate the furnace and surrounding area with discarded and homemade holiday decorations.  I’d also wrap up old toys in pieces of cloth and pretend they were presents. I would even do this in July!

Yeah…I was one fucked up kid.

Big surprise.

When do you start decorating? Do you?

I have a tiny plastic tree I pull out of a garbage bag shortly after Thanksgiving.  I plop it somewhere and plug it in.  I will take the time to straighten branches and move around the tiny ornaments so that it looks less like something someone found in the garbage, but that is the extent of my decorating these days.

I have always been about historical family-related ornaments and things from my childhood – like the cardboard crèche with the figures I used to pretend were paper dolls.  I would make up stories about them and put them in the wrong places in the manger scene. I would play with that thing for hours, as a kid – adding my Hot Wheels and having Action Jackson and Billy Blast-Off make ‘Special Guest Star’ appearances.  

Now?  Those things stay in their boxes. 

It’s comfort enough simply to know they exist.

White lights or multi colored?


Then, if I leave the tree out until Easter, there’s some pink and green and yellow in there and I can pass it off as an Easter tree. 

Gift cards, cash or actually shopped-for presents?

I will happily accept any and all. 

Send care of:  uptonking @hotmail .com

And don’t feel the need to hold back or be modest.  Gratuitous demonstrations of affection are always welcome.

Thank you.

Oh.  You meant giving presents.  Pre-paid debit cards are something I specialize in.  I used to shop for stuff, but decided a few years ago to stop purchasing future landfill fodder. 

Giving people things they don’t want/don’t need?  Eh.

Christmas cards and or family update letters are...

Cards are cool. 

I like ones that feature Winnie the Pooh.  I also think Ren and Stimpy should come out with a line of holiday greeting cards.

Family update letters are the snail mail equivalent of Facebook pages.  In other words…

…fuck that shit.

I don’t need to know about every time one of your progeny makes a scholastic poopie.  Or where your precious family spent its vacation this year.  Or how much meth you are currently making in that trailer you have hidden in the woods.

That information is only of interest to… you.

The only thing worse than those letters?  Supposedly ‘clever’ family photos masquerading as holiday greetings.  Though I do enjoy drawing things on the photos with magic markers.  Mostly penises and mustaches and the occasional goofy glasses or crossed eyes.

Yeah, keep ‘em coming folks.

Snow is...

…for shoveling? 

I am already, after only three snowfalls, sick and tired of winter.

Shoveling snow seems so futile, like Sisyphus pushing that boulder up that hill. It never fails to piss me off.

Have you been a good little boy or girl this year?

I have been a… better man.  Since 10/26/13.  Okay, maybe only since 11/6/13, but the roots were planted back on 10/26. 

I can actually stand to be in the same room as myself again.  And the level of crazy anxiety has decreased measurably, though I still have my moments. 

Before 10/26?  Ummm… bad?  Or maybe misguided/crazy would be more appropriate.

Life without the crazy?  Pretty sweet.

Rapid Fire Favorites:


Year old popcorn balls wrapped in green cellophane which accidentally got packed away with the decorations the year before.

Soaked in Boodles Gin, they are delicious.

(I actually like mashed potatoes the best.)


A tub of Cool Whip with a side of inedible cookie decorations – like those little silver balls that you bust your teeth on (what the hell are those things?).

(No, actually, I like a nice piece of plain pumpkin pie, but only if the crust is on the crisp side.  I love the crust.)


Pasteurized, homogenized, Kemps Egg Nog.  It’s like drinking latex paint mixed with formaldehyde.   Coats the throat so that even the largest glide with ease!

(No, I actually prefer a Boodles Gin martini, up, olives, side of ice; the perfect companion for any and all holidays – and in cases where family members are gathered, a requirement.)

Holiday Movie:

A Christmas Carol with Alastair Sim.

No, really.  The original is the best.  Although there is an animated version where I like thing one and thing two that live under Christmas Present’s robe; they are hella scary.

I also love the original animated version of ‘The Grinch’ featuring the voice of Boris Karloff.  Love that little dog.

Least favorite?  A tie between Jim Carey’s stupid Grinch movie and Seth MacFarlane’s ill-advised ‘Family Guy’ two-part Christmas special featuring in-bred elves, vomiting Santa, and carnivorous reindeer.  Oh, and let’s not forget Stewie and Brian’s home invasion where they slaughter an entire family only to learn that they got the wrong house.  Yeah. 

What Seth does to Christmas makes what Jim Carey did to the memory of ‘The Grinch’ almost palatable.

Holiday Music:

Favorite Song: Each Winter As The Year Grows Older

Favorite Holiday CD: Charlie Brown Christmas (Vince Guaraldi)

Holiday Tradition:

Recently it had been wrapping the holiday presents at this giant nursing home in St. Paul.  It was so much fun.  Hundreds of presents. 

Each year there would be one resident who would keep sneaking in and taking things she wanted – like a puzzle, or a pair of slippers.  It became a game with those of us wrapping.  We’d just keep wrapping away as our eyes followed her around the room.  It was rather sweet and very innocent. It also demonstrates just how much getting a present at Christmas means to the elderly.  So, please don’t forget them this year.

Last year we made ornaments and door hangings with them.  It was sort of a craft thing.  One lady ate a whole package of googley eyes before I could stop her.  I decided not to tell the woman in charge.  So all our Christmas Mice door knob warmers ended up with  hot glued raisins for eyes.

For the past seventeen years I have watched ‘A Christmas Carol’ with Alastair Sim with my business partner, so I am betting we will find time to do that again.

In my youth, my siblings and I would go door-to-door caroling.  I miss that.  It was an opportunity to try out weird harmonies and sing really, really loud. 

Last year I realized that I’d never written a holiday song, so I started one.  It is actually finished, but I need to fine tune it – I will probably finish it this season.

Bonus: Christmas Sex

What have you done under the mistletoe?

Kissed a boy (or two, or three, or…)

Have you caught daddy kissing Santa Claus?

No.  And good thing.  With my childhood I was scarred enough

Have you done it in a Santa suit?

I actually played Santa at a mall one year when I was in my 20’s.  I jerked off in that suit to be sure.

Only one really creepy thing happened as Santa.  Some dude followed me into the mens room so he could check out my goods.  Normally I appreciate that sort of thing, but hey, Santa is sacred.  Don’t be peeking at his junk!

Did you come down the chimney?

Fuck, yeah.  When I used to top, I spermed my share of chutes.  I rather miss those days.  More recently, for nostalgia’s sake, at the warehouse party or in the woods, I would, on occasion, blast one into a needy, greedy bottom who was hot for my form and begging for it. 

But, no more barebacking for this guy.  I’ve retired from the field (hopefully once and for all), setting my sights on something much more rewarding – a simple life, the kind I always imagined. Fingers crossed.

Just how merry have you made Santa's helpers?

As I may have mentioned on this blog, I was once a mall elf, too.  I worked solo, before Santa arrived and had a little toy shop full of mechanical elves.  There was a show I had to do every hour and I even had my own color book.  As the elf, I did a series of commercials, receiving the weirdest fan mail of my torpedo of a career.  Apparently ‘Spock’ ears bring ‘em out of the woodwork.

While I jerked off getting ready a plenty (usually in the garage/storage space adjacent to the mall office – those green tights got me going), no one actually sexually attacked this elf. 

I did get some very strange propositions in that toy shop, though.

Thanks for the great questions, Sean!

Wonderland Burlesque would like to take this opportunity to wish you and yours: a very Mary Chris Moose!

Hoppy Hollandaise!

Hippy Nude Queer!