State of the Tube: Television 2012-13

Is he really going to write about television, again?  Yes, he’s really going to write about television… again. This is what happens during winter here, in Minnesota.  Those of us who don’t snowmobile, cross-country ski, downhill ski, ice skate, ice fish, play hockey, or participate in any indoor group sporting activities sit on our asses and watch television.  That said – sitting remains the second favorite thing I like to do with my butt (which might help explain my ever deflating ass).

As of this writing?  34 days and counting until April 1^st.  Spring cannot get here any too soon.

Yes, I continue to watch too much television.  And that’s bad, mmm’kay?  I compensate for my boob tube obsession by having less than five drinks a month, watching my diet, and hitting the gym for at least one hour-five days a week.  As for my brain, I do crossword puzzled (badly), write (badly), do research, and read the occasional book.  I just started reading a new book.  I figure to have it completely read in about six months (yes, I am sloooooowwwww).   During that same six months I will have consumed at least 500 hours of television.  Yep, that’s averaging 3 hours per day. 

Now, granted, a good portion of that is spent watching the same episodes of The Simpsons, Family Guy, and The Big Bang Theory that I have seen at least five times each.  Seriously.  Sometimes they play in the background as I surf the web, but they are on all the time (syndication / TBS / Cartoon Network).   And if there is nothing else worthwhile (does that adjective apply to ANY television programming?) on, I will find one of those stations that plays the latter two shows mentioned ad nauseam and tune in (or out, depending on your point of view). 

Oh, and confession time… the real reason I wanted to write about television?  So that I could post pics of the hottest men on television.  When possible I tried to find pics without shirts… but, honestly, some of them really should keep their shirts on.  I mean, I find them hot, and would love to get naked with them, but some are not take-your-shirt-off-in-public hot, if you know what I mean.

For better or worse, here is a brief summary of the hours and hours spent NOT watching The Simpsons, Family Guy, and The Big Bang Theory:

Things I Watched:

American Horror Story: Asylum

 Hmmm. I lost interest mid-season, but then came back for the final three episodes.  To be honest, the moment the aliens landed, I bailed.  Like that was necessary?  Really?  What with demons, Catholicism, a corrupt insane asylum, a guilt-ridden nun, a Nazi war criminal performing biological experiments on the patients and creating his very own Island of Dr. Mureau, a lesbian reporter being held against her will, to say nothing about the multiple serial killers running about (Santa, Bloody Face, Bloody Face the Sequel) – did we really need to go… there?  Oh, and I forgot the angel of death in the form of Francis Conroy – beautiful, but under-utilized. 

Okay… let’s face it, there was a lot going on in this show.  It was the horror television equivalent of a Jackson Pollock painting.  I mean, splat – let’s have an exorcism,  splat – let’s turn the tables on Jessica Lange, splat- let’s bring back Dylan McDermott and have him chase around and kill that dude from Maroon 5 (something I would not be totally against). 

Bottom Line:  Okay, so here is the surprising thing.  I just checked out a list of all the episodes and guess what – I never missed any.  It just felt like I did.  That demonstrates just how much they crammed into this season.  Did I like it?  Probably.  I guess I am now plot weary where this series is concerned.  Will I watch next season?  Probably.  But I really am plot weary.   And I must confess; there was one thing they didn’t put in this season that they should have – and that would be more male butt.  Seriously missed Dylan’s buns, man.  Those motherfuckers really should be given their own series.

Suburgatory

I continue to enjoy this show.  But something is amiss.  While I am enjoying the romance between Tess and Ryan (which may be coming to an end, because there is no such thing as a three-day away game), I am not enjoying George’s current fling with Dallas.  Dallas is too out there, too surreal, and makes George look and seem like a stupid monkey man.  Which is a shame, because George is so hot.  It’s not working.  I continue to like the Shay’s.  And, as I suspected, they have regulated Mr. Wolfe to gay cliché’ land.   But Carly Chaikin as Dalia Oprah Royce remains a national treasure.  Nobody can deadpan like that be-yotch.

Bottom line: The show has lost it satiric focus.  It now seems content to make all the characters whacky as hell and that… is sad; because without the heart and critical eye, it just ain’t very interesting, y’all.

Happy Endings

So, last year, this was the one I thought would be this year’s runaway hit.  But they got screwed on their time slot and I also feel like no one is minding the children.  Remember that intoxicating high the casts’ banter gave me during their first season?  Yeah, well, now it comes off as shrill, desperate, and unpleasant.  In fact, I can honestly say that I do not like ANY of the main characters any more. They are awful, stupid, selfish, self-absorbed people.  It took me several seasons of Seinfeld to reach that same conclusion; this show managed to do that within three episodes of their second season. 

Bottom Line:  I gave up.  I surrendered.  If I want to feel the way this show makes me feel I will just huff some spray paint, rub my skin with a brillo pad, and stick my head in a blender.   Which is a damn shame, because the show has one of the few gay characters that I approve of and like.

Community

Wore out its welcome with one, too many, really, really ‘special’ episodes.  A damn shame.  There were some talented folks involved here.  But you can only fuck with the reality of a sitcom for so long before people stop watching.

Parks and Recreation

This has become one of the most enjoyable shows on television.  I love the cast, and the addition of Lucy Lawless hit just the right mark.  Best ensemble on television.  Incredible writing.

30 Rock

Fading away right on schedule.  It’s over.  And this season has proven that.  Plays well in syndication; though it will not be added to my The Simpsons, Family Guy, and The Big Bang Theory shows-in-syndication trifecta.

Bob’s Burger

The best animated series out there right now.  I love the characters and the writing is spot on.  I have yet to walk away disappointed.  The kids remain a major highlight, with Tina coming into her own this season, but the adults have grown on me a lot, especially Linda, Bob’s musical-theatre, life’s a party, nerd wife.  She’s a hoot. 

Raising Hope

So, Sabrina and Jimmy got married.  And this season there has been a lot more ‘My Name is Earl’ winky-winks.  Burt and Virginia remain reliable and enjoyable and Cloris Leachman continues to steal the show when allowed.   A likeable cast.  A likeable show.  So… why do I want more of… something?  I can’t even put my finger on it, but I think it has to do with character development.  I want to learn more about their lives and could do without all the whacky plots. 

Cougar Town

Yay… it came back (TBS).  And it is still firing on all cylinders, getting great mileage out of what worked the first time around.  It will go down in history as one of the worst titled series of all time, but other than that… what’s not to like? Lots of sexy men.  I even find the sexy in Bob Clendenin.  This season we have been privy to a lot of past history stuff, which has helped add dimension to the characters.  They so zany!  They so wealthy.  They so white!  So, I am waiting for a bit more reality to seep its way in, but otherwise, dive in, the water is fine.

The Middle

If Raising Hope is My Name is Earl, then The Middle continues to be Malcolm in The Middle.  But those were great shows and so are these.  The Middle may actually be the best show on television!  It is really well-written and the cast seems to have found their stride.  Sure, Patricia Heaton remains less than convincing at times (she’s a sitcom veteran, and it, unfortunately, shows) – but the cast has found a way of making her stagey/stiltedness work.  This season?  I am fascinated with Sue Heck and her new, budding romance.  Eden Sher is a knock-out performer.  Credit the writers for finally giving her more to do than pratfalls.  Neil Flynn and Charlie McDermott are also standouts.

P.S. – Where’s Chris Kattan?  I know she doesn’t work at the car dealership anymore, but – he was pretty involved with the family.

New Girl

I still hate Zooey Deschanel.  Watch her closely: she cannot deliver a single line without pausing in the middle of it and checking herself to make sure she’s being ‘quirky’ enough.  Or maybe she’s just a horrible actress.  The rest of the cast is first rate.  The writing has greatly improved.  This replaced Happy Endings in my viewing schedule.  And no one is more surprised than ‘moi’.

The Mindy Project

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?  WHY IS IT MY FAVORITE SHOW?  WHO THE HELL KEEPS DRESSING MINDY IN SUCH A CLUELESS MANNER?  FIRE THAT STYLIST.  THEY MAKE HER LOOK LIKE SHE IS A 400 POUND DRAG QUEEN. WHY DID I WRITE THIS IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS?  BECAUSE THIS IS THE BEST/WORST SHOW EVER.  And I really like the cast.  And I want it to succeed.  Because two of the men on the show are really hot.  And I want to have their babies.

Left Behind (or Below):

South Park

Awkward

Workaholics

The Walking Dead

The Fashion Police

The Soup

Tosh2.0

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Things I was ‘Supposed To’ Watch, Which Made me ‘Not Wanna’:

Breaking Bad

Downtown Abbey

Mad Men

The Romance Is Now Over Award:

Modern Family

The groove they are in is so deep it is now officially a rut.  Sure, Phil is still good for a goofy laugh or two, but the rest?   Claire bounces between being shrill and being stupid.  Gloria flits between being shrill and a horrible racial stereotype (making fun of ‘thee Eeeeng-lesh’ is only funny so long).  Jay is a curmudgeon with a heart of gold (blech) and Cam and Mitch seem trapped in a ‘gay is cute’ cliché.  Cam, in particular, needs a good kick.  Putting him in a ‘Cats’ costume?  And then having him sit in a tree?  OH… I get it now.  Oh, Lucy, you so funny!  At least the kids are interesting.  Kudos to Lily, Manny, Luke and Alex.

Currently, the writers seem content to present these characters as one-dimensional beings – which is the height of laziness.  Take some god damn risks!   This is the only half-hour sitcom that feels likeit’s an hour long – and not in a good way.  That said, I really like the French Bulldog.  That dog should get a lot more camera time.

The Romance Is Still Over Award:

How I Met Your Mother

Have baby.  Baby go boom-boom.  Show go belly up in the water.   Robin and Doogie Howser are getting married.  Ted is about to meet ‘Your Mother’- finally (although I bet they drag that whole thing out for two more seasons – and then the actual courtship and wedding for two more ).  And I do not care anymore.  I don’t like anyone on the show anymore.  I don’t care about them.  Blech.  Hate this show.  It’s Friends, without the good common sense to go off the air.

Is This Still a Thing? Award:

Two Broke Girls

Whitney

 Do I even have to explain why?

Should Never Have Been a Thing Award:

The New Normal

Partners

To be fair, one (Normal) tried a lot harder than the other.  Normal at least attempted to bring homophobia to the foreground in the form of a really-in-fine-form Ellen Barkin.  But for every one step forward the writers seem to take, they take at least two steps back.  Not helping?  Justin Bartha’s and

Andrew Rannells’ portrayals.  Do these two even know a real gay person?  Could someone please inform them that it is not 1982 and they don’t need to ‘act’ that way to be considered ‘gay’?

But as bad as The New Normal is, Partners seems trapped in its own particular brand of sitcom hell.  Again, what year is it?  And how are these even remotely believable, ‘funny’ portrayals of gay people?  Sorry , this is nothing more than a gay minstrel show and should really be outlawed.

Can’t Seem To Watch You… At All:

Up All Night

I really tried this year.  I caught like five episodes.  I hate babies.  I hate sitcoms about how difficult it is to be a parent.  I do not relate.  I like everyone in the cast.   I do not like this show.  I will not be watching this show any more. 

It’s The Same Old Song Award:

The Simpsons

Family Guy

I keep waiting for the episode where Grandpa Simpson is a robot.

A Horrible, Horrible Song that Someone Must Put an End to Soon Award:

The Cleveland Show

Could the writers of this show get any lazier?  I have watched three episodes recently and been appalled by the lack of a basic original thought or idea.  They now seem to get by doing riffs on old movies and having fun with history.  The worst?  An episode where - I guess - I mean, I couldn’t really tell what the intention was, but they kept dropping the characters in different racial cultures, or something.  It was just awful; painful to watch.  And offensive on a levels not even achieved by Family Guy. 

It’s as if the writers no longer want jobs.  As if they are trying to kill the show on purpose because they, too, hate it.  If that is the case, please, by all means, let them succeed.

Thing I Watch that I Will NOT Admit I Watch:

Judge Judy

I LOVE HER.

She should run the world (and knock some sense into it).

I Miss…

Jeffery & Cole Casserole

Logo, do the world a favor and put this back on the air.  I know it ended in 2010, but it was brilliant, refreshing, never boring, cheap to make, and oh-so-fucking-hilarious.  I miss these kids.  I really do.

That’s a Wrap…

There’s a lot I don’t/won’t watch.  So if your favorite isn’t here (RuPaul’s Drag Race, anyone?), sorry.  I can only consume so much television.

I wish that were true of food.

Television 2011: A Year In Review

I watch too much television. I feel the need to apologize for that, like it is a bad thing. I recently went to a holiday party where I knew very few people and made the mistake of mentioning a television program I had recently seen to the person seated next to me. The person said ‘I don’t watch television’ and then turned away from me and looked the other way. So, I apologize for watching too much television. Because it is (apparently) a bad thing.

That said – I enjoy it very much. I sit for hours and hours watching television. (Sitting is the second favorite thing I like to do with my butt.)

Here is a summary of those hours and hours:

Favorite Shows

American Horror StoryYes, the scripting is like something that poured out of a word Cuisinart and everyone is terrified that there is no way they can tie it all up and make sense of it (oddly they did). It is so over-the-top and so much happens in such little time that there is no room for characters to develop at a natural pace – but who the fuck cares? This is a lot of fun. A show with everything for everybody. Jessica Lange and Frances Conroy are outstanding. I mourn the loss of Jamie Brewer’s character, Adelaide. The rest of the cast is also first rate.

SuburgatoryThe primary relationship is a bit off (Father and Daughter? Ummm… Parental Boundaries?), but I like the world the writers are creating. It has a long way to go (and may not get there), but definitely worth watching. The neighbor girl across the street? Fascinating. Standout episode: Thanksgiving.

Happy EndingsInteresting cast. Interesting gay character. Interesting style of banter. Enters and exits like a Tasmanian Devil on a coke bender. Sometimes the characters grate on me - these are annoying people, but they each have a soft inside and that keeps me watching.

CommunityGreat cast, one that actually mirrors the name of the show. The writing is creative… sometimes too much for its own good. It would be a shame to lose this one.

Parks and RecThe sands beneath these characters are constantly shifting. How the actors manage to make it all work baffles me, but they do make it work. Started as an Office wannabe – became something even more likable.

30 RockTina Fey. Tracy Morgan. Enough said.

AwkwardA world I was never privy to before. Covering some of the same territory that Suburgatory covers, but doing a much better job.

South ParkWhen it is good (You’re Getting Old, Broadway Bro Down), it is very, very good. When it is bad (Bass To Mouth, Funnybot, Royal Pudding), it is a total train wreck – and not the fun kind (like American Horror Story).

Bob’s BurgerCharming. I love the kids. And the wife. I wish Louise Belcher could run for president (If only cartoon characters could. – oh, wait… (Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Thomas Cain, Newt Gingrich)? They do. They do.

WorkaholicsStrikes me as another kind of Always Sunny, but I like the cast. Sophomoric, juvenile. Extremely sexist. Umm… why do I like this? Oh, because the dudes are so comfortable with their homo-bro-ness. That, and they talk about their junk a lot.

Raising HopeLove the cast. So glad they have brought Cloris Leachman back from the zoned-out Alzheimer’s edge. She adds so many dimensions to the show – it would be a shame if she were rendered simply a vehicle for old-people poop jokes. Martha Plimpton has long needed something to showcase her talents! This is her “Medium”.

Cougar TownThis needs to come back. The cast was very funny, the writing sharp. I like all the characters – which is surprising considering they all are privileged white people (even the non-Caucasian ones), but then that same criticism applies to 95% of television.

The MiddlePart of the 5% (along with Raising Hope). In all its Malcolm in the Middle wonderfulness. When Patricia Heaton remains part of the ensemble, the show works – when she pushes her way to the front of the stage, it gets awkward – she tends to chew the scenery or become stilted. Perfect example of this – the episode with Marsha Mason as her Mom – it should have worked, but didn’t. That said, the whole cast is first rate, with the five family members each shining the brightest.

The Walking DeadI like zombies. I like survival. I like this show – when they stick to those two things. Soap opera bullshit? Not my thing. All I want to know is… when do they get to go on a free shopping spree at the mall?

Guilty, Guilty Pleasures

Tosh 2.0Tosh is the reason to watch. The clips are just the cringe-worthy moments his shtick is wound around.

The SoupJoel is the reason to watch. The clips are just the cringe-worthy his shtick is sound around.

Fashion PoliceJoan Rivers is… ummm, still alive. Kelly Osborne is cute as hell. The gay guy is sweet and inoffensive (another new gay stereotype I am liking) and the stick figure on the end has just enough personality that someday I may actually remember her name (although it seems to me she is on every show on E, including some gawd awful thing with a husband – so I think all the rest cancels out any good will she earns for being on Fashion Police).

The Romance Is Over Award:
How I Met Your MotherUgh. Can you all move on to something else. This is awful, painful to watch. When it is on, I keep looking at the clock and wonder just how bored the writers were when they thought this episode up. How could something that started out interesting become so bloody staid?

The Romance Is Waning Award:
Modern FamilyThe shape of the show is so established – as soon as the major plot points are highlighted, the audience can just fill in the blanks and come to the same happy, warm, smarmy, overly-privileged conclusion each week. ABC could save itself a lot of money and just let the audience do all the work. None of these characters ever really have any struggles worth giving a shit about… so why should I? How could something that started out interesting become so dull and predictable so quickly?

The Romance Never Got Started Award:
Two Broke GirlsGawd awful writing. Gawd awful ideas. Gawd awful characters. Is it 1980? Kat Dennings? Gawd awful. (Horrible Actress.) Matthew Moy, Garret Morris, Jonathan Kite? Total Embarrassments. (Horrible Stereotypes). In this day in age how could anyone think this was a good idea? How could something so… gawd awful still be on the air?

The Not Really... Award:
Allen GregoryI pay close attention to this one. On so many levels it is repugnant. The way the gay community is portrayed makes me squirm – only because I think they may have hit the preening-overly-privileged, class conscious, designer label conscious, queen thing right on their shaved, almond-shaped heads. The show sends so many mixed messages. Are they for us? Or against us? Or do they just hate everyone? Except exceptionally handsome, under-employed gay boy toys? Because other than that character – everyone else is just repulsive.

The Quirky But… Eh Award:
New GirlI hate Zooey Deschanel. There, I said it. Hate She and Him. Hate her cotton commercials. Didn’t hate her in Elf. The rest of this show is just so uninteresting, you find yourself praying she’ll appear soon. Wants desperately to be Happy Endings. Desperation is never pretty.

The Quirky and I Hate It Award:
WhitneySomebody cancel this piece of shit already. It reminds me of that time when Bette Midler, Joan Cusack, Paula Poundstone, etc. tried to have sitcoms. They all flopped because they failed to capitalize on what made them endearing in the first place and relied on standard, sitcom form. Whitney? There never was anything endearing to begin with… so… pull the damn plug already. The corpse is cold.

Can’t Seem To Watch You, Though I Really Should ListLouie
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Breaking Bad
Children’s Hospital
Can’t Seem To Watch You… At All:
Up All NightI love Christina Applegate. I love Maya Rudolph. I love Will Arnett. Then how can I resist this show? Oh, yeah… I forgot. I hate sitcoms about how difficult it is to be a parent. Because breeding is optional, you know.

Time to Pull the Plug Nominees:The Simpsons
Family Guy
How I Met Your Mother
Already Dead, But They Just Don’t Know It Yet Nominees:Whitney
Two Broke Girls
The Cleveland Show
Mike and Molly
Saturday Night Live
Reality Television
Show I Will Be Bitching About Next Year:Work ItHaven’t seen it. Don't want to. Don't need to. It already has me cringing. Really over the whole "I have fake boobs and testicles and can't walk in heels" comedy. How awful can television be? This awful.

Worst Thing(s) to Happen to Gay Television:
The A-List: New York, The A-List: DallasOkay, so I look the other way when confronted with the preening stereotypes that are being passed off as positive images for gay folk on Modern Family. I cringe my way through Allen Gregory (being gay? Not a choice!). I even smile on occasion at those wacky ass young drag queens on RuPaul’s Drag Race. But The A-List: New York? And The A-List: Dallas? This is gay-bashing at its all-time worse. And it’s being perpetrated by our own beloved LOGO? What? LOGO couldn’t find enough money to fund more Jeffery and Jeffery – or pay off all the money owed to the cast of Sordid Lives so we could get more of that fun stuff – but they will throw money at these overly-privileged, spoiled-rotten, reality-deprived, lazy-assed, talentless (apologies to Mike Ruiz – who should know better than to associate with this kind of shit), narcissists. Fuck you, LOGO. You do such a disservice to your own people: people you claim to serve. You should be ashamed of yourselves. And grow the fuck up. This is not reality. These shows do not represent real gay people - this is the kind of gay you shove down America’s throats and then wonder why everybody hates on gay people. Want to know why America doesn’t think gay people should marry? Watch these shows.