Who Did It Better? Dressed To Kill

Who Did It Better?

Dressed To Kill

If you're a singer who also writes songs, you never know which side is going to butter your bread. Sometimes it's you, and sometimes its another artist. But if the song is good? You can bet it's gonna eventually put some bread in your pantry, for sure.

That's the case with today's Who Did It Better entry. A singer/songwriter with a proven track record ends up, due to a bit of bad luck, not getting to market. But years later it does end up making bank for its writer, thanks to a certain industry connection and a mega superstar who still has a way of selling hundreds of thousands of copies of any CD she graces. 

Dressed to Kill is a song written by former The Ordinary Boys member, Preston - whose real name is Samuel Dylan Murray Preston - with producer, Mark Taylor.  

The Ordinary Boys is an English indie rock band founded in Worthing, West Sussex in 2002. Between 2004 and 2007, they enjoyed a string of top-ten hits on the UK Singles Chart, with their most famous song being Boys Will Be Boys.

By 2008, the band had broken up, leaving Preston to soldier on as a solo artist for the band's longtime label, B-Unique Records which was distributed by Warner Bros. With a solo album titled Whatever Forever completed and ready for release, the song, Dressed To Kill - which sampled the introduction from Siouxsie and the Banshees' 1980 single Happy House - was selected as the lead single. The song was co-written and produced by Mark Taylor, who had also produce Cher's worldwide comeback song, Believe, back in 1998. 

Released on September 7, 2009, the single didn't chart at all. Most believe this failure was due to Preston having to cancel all promotional activities and appearances because he'd had a bicycle accident and broken both his arms! When the single failed to catch fire, and without a star to promote it, the label got cold feet and shelved Whatever Forever... forever. To this day, it has not seen the light of day.

While recovering from his bicycle accident, Preston shifted focus and began to concentrate on his songwriting; a move that proved to pay off extremely well. In 2011, Preston co-wrote  the #1 hit Heart Skips A Beat for Olly Murs. Then, in December of that same year, The Ordinary Boys reunited.

In 2011, Cher was working on the blueprint for her 25th studio album, Closer To The Truth. Mark Taylor was brought on board to work with hot, new producers Paul Oakenfold, Billy Mann, Timbaland and MachoPsycho. During the recording process, Taylor decided to resurrect Dressed To Kill - and it made the final cut.

Closer To The Truth debuted at #3 on Billboard's Hot 200 chart, which was Cher's highest charting solo record at that time, (her 2018 Abba tribute album, Dancing Queen, would match that feat.) The album also went Top Ten in Canada, Germany, Russia, Scotland, and the UK. For every copy sold? Preston, as a songwriter, got a little ka-ching in his pocket.

And, to top things off, on March 22, 2014, when Cher embarked on her sixth concert tour, she decided to call it: The Dressed to Kill Tour! And every time she performed the song? More ka-ching for Preston!

And that's the whole story.

Now? On to the competition.

The Song: Dressed To Kill

The Competitors: Preston vs. Cher

Dressed To Kill - Preston

Dressed To Kill - Cher

Preston

Very high drama! From note one, things are pitched to excite. A bit cheesy? Perhaps. There's something very predictable about the song itself; the lyrics click in place like Legos and the melody goes exactly where expected. So? No surprises. 

Well, that's where the production work comes in. 

There is something very Depeche Mode about the whole affair; the dramatic flourish, the dark subject, the dispassionate vocals. 

Preston's voice is fine. Perfect pop fodder, but nothing to write home about. Of course, it's hard to tell - here, his vocals are super-processed, as in placed in a Cuisinart. Not sure how I feel about the shattered edits - where they make it sound like a television cutting in and out. That abrupt breaking up is always jarring to hear, and I've never quite known what it is the producer is attempting to convey. Is it suppose to emulate the throb of a strobe light? It does give it a bit of an industrial edge, which, I suppose, is to counteract the smarmy predictability of the melody.

That said, I do like the song. It has it's charms. And the production work, while a bit busy, propels this one along. I particularly like the end of the chorus with its modulated descent. I also like the bit where everything drops out just before the chorus launches and you can hear that muted piano. 

Listening to the vocals, I imagine they were recorded from a television set, for Preston sounds 'broadcast' as opposed to present in the room. That separation isn't warming, and I suspect that's the primary reason this didn't prick up more ears. He's been reduced to a grainy sounding image - and that, great pop, does not make.

Cher

Mike Taylor, solo, behind the board, again. 

That Durango-style guitar is warmth of a sort, as is that brief, highly treated bit of a sigh in the intro. They waste no time and dive right in.  Cher sounds as removed as Preston did. I wonder why that's Taylor's go-to sound for this song? The auto-tune is in addition to that hollow, fragmented sound, and that? Actually warms things up a bit. That and Cher's natural charm. 

She sounds super relaxed. I must say, her vibrato has gotten more and more interesting as she's aged. And not in the typical way. Usually, a singer loses control, but hers has ended up being more of an interesting trill, flitting and bending the sound - of course, that may have a lot to do with all the heavy treatment her vocals are receiving at the hands of Taylor. 

I like the subtle galloping beat under the rev up to the chorus, though I do miss the drop out experienced in Preston's version. So far, this all seems cut from the same cloth. The Durango-style guitar colors the chorus. And the beats are tight. With some big old disco strings in tow. Fun. 

Cher sounds... unimpressed? Bored? Well, let's see. 

If there are backing vocals, it's hard to tell. It's all very busy and melds together. 

Definitely fun. But, again, a bit predictable.

The vocal bridge works. It's odd. I'm looking for something organic in nature to stand out from all this homogenization. Wake up, fool. This is Cher, vintage 2008. The sound is as airbrushed and highly-stylized as her photos.

As a homo, it's hard to resist the dramatic assault of that diva-whipped chorus.

Yeah, this goes, as I thought it would.

The Verdict

Sorry, Preston... going with Cher!

I liked Preston's version. I appreciate his bad boy sneer. But for all that drama, not to mention the production work, there was very little heart.

Not that there's a whole lot more to be found in Cher's version. But, with Cher you have history, you have emotional attachment, and you have her dead-pan beauty and vocals. That adds up to a type of heart... one that keeps beat to the rhythm of the song. 

So, no surprise - it's Cher for this disco queen.

--- ---

And that's enough of me. Okay, your turn. You know what to do: leave your choice and thoughts in the comments section. I always welcome a second opinion.

That's all for now. Until next time...

Thanks for reading... and listening!

Dressed To Kill - Preston

Dressed To Kill - Cher

Happy House - Siouxsie And The Banshees

Boys Will Be Boys - The Ordinary Boys

Acquired Tastes, XLI: Cher

After a nuclear holocaust, all that will be left are cockroaches and Cher". – Gay Impressionist, Jimmy James

Introduction:

I wanted to credit that quote accurately, as it helps demonstrate what Cher means to the gay male community, particularly those with ties to the drag community.  

The lyrics from her recent dance hit, “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” read like the story of her career and we, as gay men, can relate:

She’s a survivor / we are survivors. 

Granted, there were times when it was easy to write her off (‘Allman and Woman’, anyone?), but she kept moving toward the goals she set for herself, and has managed the unprecedented feat of a show biz career now in its fifth act!

So, let’s flip back our hair with a flick of our middle finger, run our droll tongue over our upper teeth before planting it firmly in the pocket of our cheek, allow our eyes to roll while standing slightly askew with hand on hip, and take a shimmering look at the amazing, beautiful phoenix-rising that is and always has been…

Cher

Scope of Activity:

A brief examination of the life and career of Cher and her longstanding relationship with the gay community.

The Official Line:

From Wikipedia

The reverence held for Cher by members of the gay community has been attributed to her accomplishments in her career, her sense of style and her longevity.  Alec Mapa, of ‘The Advocate’, elaborates: "While the rest of us were sleeping, Cher's been out there for the last four decades living out every single one of our childhood fantasies.  Cher embodies an unapologetic freedom and fearlessness that some of us can only aspire to."  

Cher has often been imitated by drag queens. Thomas Rogers, of Salon magazine, commented that, "Drag queens imitate women like Judy Garland, Dolly Parton, and Cher because they overcame insult and hardship on their path to success, and because their narratives mirror the pain that many gay men suffer on their way out of the closet." 

Cher's performance as a lesbian in the film ‘Silkwood’ as well as her transition to dance music and social activism in recent years has further contributed to her becoming a gay icon.

Her oldest child, now Chaz Bono (born Chastity Bono), first came out as a lesbian at the age of seventeen, which caused Cher feelings of "guilt, fear and pain".  However, Cher soon came to accept Chaz's sexual orientation, and came to the conclusion that LGBT people "didn't have the same rights as everyone else, [and she] thought that was unfair".  

She was the keynote speaker for the 1997 national Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) convention.  Cher has since become one of the gay community's most vocal advocates. On June 11, 2009, Chaz Bono came out as a transgender individual, and his transition to male was legally finalized on May 6, 2010.

In 1998, Cher was honored with a GLAAD Media Award (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and in November 1999, ‘The Advocate’ named Cher as one of the '25 Coolest Women'.  In October 2005, the Bravo program ‘Great Things About Being...’ declared Cher "the number one greatest thing about being gay."  

William J. Mann, author of ‘Gay Pride: A Celebration of All Things Gay and Lesbian’, comments “We'll be dancing to a ninety-year-old Cher when we're sixty. Just watch", and in a 2007 'Top Ten Gay Icons', formed by ‘Digital Spy’, it was stated that: "US comedian Jimmy James was spot-on when he quipped: "After a nuclear holocaust, all that will be left are cockroaches and Cher". 

The NBC sitcom ‘Will & Grace’ acknowledged her status by making her the idol of gay character Jack McFarland.  Cher guest-starred as herself twice on the sitcom: in 2000 and 2002.  In 2000, Cher made a cameo on the show, in which Jack believed her to be a drag queen and said he could "do" a better Cher himself. In 2002, she portrayed God in Jack's imagined version of Heaven.

Psychological Aspects:

To be considered a gay icon, a person must embody something that gay men can relate to.

 

Hmmm… a tall, women with a long nose of mixed-race with a flair for fashion, drama, rattling cages, and making an entrance who survived a somewhat traumatic upbringing before overcoming impossible odds and numerous setbacks, only to rise to the top of every entertainment field she ever tackled? 

Does this ring anybody’s bell? 

And those vocals that sound like a truck driver in drag?  Who is that going to appeal to, but, of course, all those truck drivers in drag! 

Suffice it to say, there is a lot about Cher that gay men can easily identify with.  For every part entertainment goddess, there is an equal part that is down-to-earth and relatable. Her idea of a great night?  Movies, M&M’s and sex.  You have to admire someone who can pull off a fabulous Bob Mackie creation on the red carpet one moment and the next, wearing everyday sweatpants, invite Kathy Griffin into their home so they can share some birthday cake. 

  

Has she made mistakes?  You bet.  She owns them.  She fixes what she can and moves on.  Above all, the woman, considering how long her career has been and how much of her life has been spent in the public eye, lives as honestly as she can.

So we relate, because we learn. 

I’m surprised, given all that can be learned from this particular diva, that gay men don’t wear plastic rainbow bracelets inscribed with ‘WWCD’ (What Would Cher Do?). 

Career

I am not going to bore you reiterating all of Cher’s accomplishments.  You can go read the Wikipedia entry for that.  But let’s look at her career in terms of acts, as in acts of a play.  Most entertainment careers are fortunate to have one act, let alone a second chance at the brass ring.  Cher?  I believe she’s currently on number five!  Here’s how it all breaks down:

Act I: 1962-1970

Drug-free beatniks, Caesar and Cleo become Sonny and Cher

Interesting Tidbits:

• Works with Phil Spector and can be heard doing background vocals on such hits as, “Be My Baby’ by the Ronettes, and ‘You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling’ by The Righteous Brothers
• Sonny turns out to be a total control freak
• Wants Sonny on-stage beside her because she suffers from stage fright
• The duo breaks big in England first – going there on the advice of The Rolling Stones
• Stars in two poorly received films: ‘Good Times’ (1967) and ‘Chastity’ (1970)

Songs of Note:

I Got You Babe (#1), Bang, Bang (#2), The Beat Goes On (#6)

Act II: 1970-1979

Las Vegas lounge act becomes hot ticket on television

Interesting Tidbits:

• Sonny cheats on Cher (a lot) and is even more of a controlling asshole 
• Their first variety show nets an audience of 30 million weekly viewers
• Marriage ends in 1972, but they keep up appearances until 1974, finally divorcing in 1975
• Solo television show ‘Cher’ is a critical and audience favorite, but she pulls the plug after less than a year because, “…it (is) more than (she) could handle”.
• Marries Gregg Allman of The Allman Brothers Band in 1975, files for divorce nine days later, ends up staying with him until 1979

Songs of Note:

‘Gypsy, Tramps, and Thieves’ (#1), ‘Half-Breed’ (#1), ‘The Way of Love’ (#7), ‘Dark Lady’ (#1), and ‘Take me Home’ (#8)

Act III: 1980-1997

Has-Been becomes Superstar; plastic surgery and tabloid headlines ensue

Interesting Tidbits:

• In an effort to become a rocker, joins the band Black Rose and records poorly-received album, all the while earning $300,000 a week as an act in Las Vegas
• Enjoys a UK top-five hit with "Dead Ringer for Love", a duet with Meat Loaf
• Debuts on Broadway in ‘Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean’, then does film
• Fights with director Peter Bogdanovich during making of ‘Mask’ resulting in Oscar snub
• Originally set to play the childless, introverted cellist, Jane, she steals Susan Sarandon’s role (Alexandra, the out-spoken sculptress) in ‘Witches of Eastwick’, a turn of events that Sarandon doesn’t learn about until the day she shows up for the first day of shooting
• Develops CFS and becomes an infomercial queen
• Turns down leading roles in the films ‘The War of the Roses’ and ‘Thelma & Louise’ because she plays it ‘too cautious’ following the success of ‘Moonstruck’ and due to the difficulties she experienced during the making of ‘Mermaids’
• Refuses to help promote film ‘Faithful’ (with Chaz Pameretti) because she considers the film to be ‘horrible’

Songs of Note:

I Found Someone (#10), If I Could Turn Back Time (#3), After All (Love Theme from ‘Chances Are’) (w/ Peter Cetera)(#6)

Movies of Note:

‘Silkwood’, ‘Mask’, ‘The Witches of Eastwick’, ‘Moonstruck’

Act IV: 1998-2009

Auto-tunes career before beginning The Farewell Tour that never ends

Interesting Tidbits:

• Sonny dies in skiing accident; she delivers eulogy, calling him "the most unforgettable character" she has ever met
• Beats out Céline Dion's ‘My Heart Will Go On’ for the bestselling single of 1998 with ‘Believe’
• Embarks on Living Proof: The Farewell Tour in June of 2002; tour logs 325 sold out concerts and finally comes to an end in April of 2005
• Mattel creates two Barbie dolls in her image featuring outfits designed by Bob Mackie in June, 2007
• In 2008, takes up residency at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas for a three-year run of 200 shows

Songs of Note:

Believe (#1), Strong Enough (#1 Dance), Song for the Lonely (#1 Dance), When the Money’s Gone (#1 Dance), A Different Kind of Love Song (#1 Dance)

Movie of Note:

‘Tea with Mussolini’

Act V: 2010 - Present

Nope, we haven’t seen the last of her…

Interesting Tidbits:

• Headlines New York’s 2013 Gay Pride annual ‘Dance on the Pier’ benefit, resulting in the event’s first sell-out in five years.
• ‘Closer to the Truth’, her 23^rd album, is due for release on September 24, 2013
• Stay tuned…

Songs of Note:

You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me (#1 Dance), A Woman’s World (#1 Dance)

Movie of Note:

‘Burlesque’

Suggestions/Advice

A novice when it comes to the Cher?   Where to begin?  There is a lot to cover.  Good thing is, unless you are one of those people who absolutely must see and hear everything an artist has ever produced in order to appreciate them, you can skip over a great deal!

Music

Must Hears:

For me, ‘The Way of Love’ will always be her finest vocal performance, bar none. 

‘Dark Lady’ (1974)

Standout Tracks:  ‘I Saw a Man and He Danced With His Wife’, ‘Dark Lady’, ‘Train of Thought’, ‘Miss Subway of 1952’

Comments:

This album is pretty much the pinnacle of the narrative ballad style she perfected during her time at MCA.  Snuff Garrett and Al Capps are once again on board.  I don’t believe Cher ever worked with producers then or now that understood her talents and abilities like these two men.  One could take issue with a couple of the cover tunes (especially ‘Rescue Me’), but other than that, there is not a bad track in the bunch. 

I love ‘Train of Thought’ for the way it rocks just enough.  I’ve always been surprised that no one else has covered this terrific song.  And ‘Miss Subway of 1952’ is basically the story of my delusional life in a nut shell.  It reminds me of all the wonderful characters she created on her various variety series and television specials.  In a way, it is the fun-side of the whole ‘Delta Dawn’ story/song – much the same way that Alan O’Day’s ‘Angie Baby’ would capture the spooky/creepy vibe of the genre.  

But, for me, the stand out is ‘I Saw a Man and He Danced With His Wife’.  Cher’s vocal is spot on and what gay man, who has stood in the shadow watching while his latest crush takes to the dance floor with some girl, can’t relate to this little slice of ‘Cinderella’ pathos? 

What really sells it?  That album cover.  She has never produced an album cover as naturally glamorous or iconic.

Popular:

‘Heart of Stone’ (1989)

Standout Tracks: ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’, ‘Just Like Jesse James’, ‘Kiss to Kiss’, ‘Heart of Stone’

Comments:

This is Cher at her commercial peak as a 1980’s rocker-babe.  Dianne Warren, Desmond Child, and Michael Bolton were all the flavors of the decade and ‘Heart of Stone’ puts them to good use.  There is a sameness to the music, a sort of Bon Jovi redux (which is a laugh, because Bon Jovi was such a reduction of better bands to begin with), which fills in all the gaps, not allowing any breathing room.  But such homogenization was common place at the time, especially when it came to artists like Cher, who needed to chase radio play and the singles market as they are generally not considered album artists. 

Question: Why do Michael Bolton-penned songs all sound like they should be sung by a Basset Hound in heat?  And, yes, that is my way of saying they are perfectly suited to Cher’s vocal style in the 1980’s. 

‘Believe’ (1998)

Standout Tracks:  ‘Believe’, ‘Taxi, Taxi’, ‘Love is in the Groove’, ‘Dov'è L'amore’

Comments:

All of Cher’s albums are mixed bags.  Typically there is one killer single, followed by bunch of songs that fill up the other nine tracks necessary to create an album or CD.  For every track that works, there are three that miss the mark or suffice as simple filler.  ‘Believe’ is no different.  What was different, at the time, of course, was her ground-breaking use of Auto-Tune.  Yes, other artists had used it before her, but the song, ‘Believe’ was one of those rare cases where song, artist, and production all synced up perfectly to create a phenomenon.  ‘Believe’ went on to become the song of the year – worldwide! 

As with her late-eighties albums, there is a sameness to be found on ‘Believe’ and a hell of a lot of filler tracks; songs that sound like they belong, but fail to bring anything of great value to the table.  Even the exceptions tend to make one cringe just a bit; featuring awkward, indecipherable lyrics.  But that is also part of the fun of any Cher album.  What initially makes one cringe mellows into a sort of kitsch – provided one has an appreciation for such campiness.

I never understood why Warner Bros. chose to follow-up ‘Believe’ with such staid, floor-stompers as ‘Strong Enough’ and ‘All or Nothing’, as they both simply sound too cookie-cutter to be full-fledged emancipation anthems.  But then, ‘Taxi, Taxi’ and ‘Love is in the Groove’ were probably harder sells, viewed as too sophisticated for radio or the clubs at the time.  

Cult Favorites:

‘All I Really Want To Do’ (1965), ‘3614 Jackson Highway’ (1969), ‘Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves’ (1971), ‘Bittersweet White Light’ (1974), ‘Stars’ (1975), ‘I Paralyze’ (1981)

All the above have been cited as having merit that was overlooked at the time they were released.  The hits (‘All I Really Want To Do’,‘Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves’) both contained sizeable Top 40 fodder, while the misses (the other four) failed to either receive adequate promotion or click with the public. 

‘3614 Jackson Highway’ is of note for its exploration of the Memphis sound (horns); a sound that proved quite complimentary to Cher’ vocal qualities. 

‘Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves’ established the narrative ballad/storyteller/AM Radio pop gold that Cher, Garrett, and Capps would mine during the early to mid-seventies, yielding three #1 hits.  Includes ‘The Way of Love’: a vocal triumph for Cher.

‘Bittersweet White Light’ is an album of standards, long before there was an established market for such.  A commercial failure, it marked the last music to be produced for Cher by Sonny Bono.

‘Stars’, under the guidance of future label owner, then boyfriend (and now big gay) David Geffen, was Cher’s first attempt to be taken seriously by rock n’ rollers.    

‘I Paralyze’ pretty much established her musical direction (pop/rock) for the remainder of the 1980’s, leading to considerably more success. 

Personal Favorites:

As stated, Cher is a singles artist.  Individual tracks make up the highlights of her career.  Granted, the ones that received radio play are the ones we all know and love, but there are many stellar tracks that were overlooked or just didn’t receive the attention they should have.  The hits are well catalogued in various collections.  Here are some that are not, and worthy of being tracked down.

Standout Tracks: ‘Train of Thought’ (1974), ‘I Saw a Man and He Danced With His Wife’ (1974), ‘My Song (Too Far Gone)’ (1979), ‘Games’ (1982), ‘Rudy’ (1982), ‘Perfection’ (1987), ‘Kiss to Kiss’ (1989), ‘One by One’ (1996), ‘The Same Mistake’ (1996), ‘What About the Moonlight’ (1996), ‘Taxi, Taxi’ (1998), ‘Love is in the Groove’ (1998), ‘The Music’s No Good Without You’ (2002), ‘Love is a Lonely Place Without You’ (2002),

Comments:

‘My Song (Too Far Gone)’ is super fun to sing harmony to.  Cher wrote this with the Hudson Brothers! 

‘Games’, from the ‘I Paralyze’ album (her only release for Columbia Records), is one of those songs that many people recorded (Phoebe Snow, Lisa Hartman, etc.), but never became a hit for anyone.  It has a great hook and the reason it never landed anywhere is a total mystery to me.

‘Perfection’ features backing vocals by Darlene Love and Bonnie Tyler.  At one time it was my favorite work-out song. Yeah, it’s a little too ‘Rocky’, but I still dig its driving beat and overall message.

‘Kiss to Kiss’, ‘The Same Mistake’, ‘What About the Moonlight’: What can I say, I like my Cher like I like my Bette Midler – on the subtle side.  Vocally there is more nuance to be found in low-key songs like these.  What they lack in radio-friendly hooks, they more than make up for by revealing a different side of the artist.

If you are a fan of ‘Twilight’ era ELO, then you will love ‘The Music’s No Good Without You’. No, ELO had nothing to do with this song, but it makes me think that Jeff Lynne and Cher would make for a great duet team.

Low Points:

Wow.  There have been a number: (e.g.,‘Allman and Woman’, ‘Black Rose’) and I suppose the totally schizophrenic ‘Prisoner’ is a prime example, but honestly?  If you like Cher, then you like almost everything she does, because the woman is a total professional and always delivers.  That said, there is a sameness to be found in every performance: that being Cher’s unique vocal qualities and techniques. 

Yes, song choice is an easy way to go astray, and Cher has indeed committed a number of sins when it comes to treating a good song badly.  And those in the production booth have not always complimented our beloved diva – just try slogging your way through her version of ‘Old Man River’, I dare you (hey, remember what I said about song selection??).  And yes, Cher fanatics can certainly tell when the woman is phoning it in or simply not all that enthused about a given number. 

Bottom line?  If you like Cher, then there really are no low points. 

Film

Must See:

‘Moonstruck’ (1987)

Yes, highly homogenized. But Cher has never been more beautiful or achingly vulnerable.  One can’t help but fall in love with her.  Not even the presence of a hammy Nicholas Cage can detract from how lovely this valentine of a film plays out.

Popular:

‘Mask’ (1985), ‘Witches of Eastwick’ (1987)

‘Mask’ is the better of the two.  It’s a weeper.  There is something about Cher’s performance that I don’t like – maybe she pushes too hard?  But overall, it is a moving story told well.

‘Witches’ is a horribly flawed film with a huge budget.  Each time I watch it I feel like I’m viewing something that got stitched together from a better story.  Black comedy, which is what this attempts to be (I think) is a hard sell and hard to deliver (see ‘Faithless’ below).  There were a plethora of similar feeling films out about this same time (‘She-Devil’, ‘Death Becomes Her’) – they were all black comedies trying to redeem themselves with some kind of feministic bent.  The mix never worked, leaving a bad taste in one’s mouth. The most recent example of this genre is that remake of ‘The Stepford Wives’, a film which left me absolutely baffled as to the filmmaker’s intent.   

Low Points:

‘Faithful’ (1996)

Cher refused help promote this one… and for good reason.  It is agony to sit through.  I was living in L.A. at the time and scored preview tickets. I watched, appalled, as Cher and Chaz yelled and screamed at one another for most of the film.  Here’s a bad, bad idea: take Cher, limit her to one costume, tie her up in a chair, and then have her rant and rave for two hours.  How this script ever got approved or snuck through Cher’s crap-filter is beyond me.  A black comedy without a glimmer of humor.

Personal Favorites:

‘Suspect’ (1987), ‘Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean’ (1982)

Today, ‘Suspect’ reads like Lifetime Movie of the Week fodder, but at the time, this film helped establish that archetype.  It’s one of Cher’s better performances – low key and on a simmer for much of the story.  She and Dennis Quaid also appear to have great chemistry.

‘Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean’ proved to be the launching pad for what would become Cher’s movie peak.  Yes, the whole story creaks and suffers from the same predictable plot turns that powered many a late-seventies / early-eighties well-written stage play, but I find comfort in such things and enjoy all the performances.  Oh, and check out Cher’s teeth!  You know she must have hated seeing those little fangs of hers up there on the big screen.  It would prove to be their final appearance.

Quotes:

On Men….

“Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.”

“Husbands are like fires - they go out when they're left unattended.”

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.”

“I'm still friends with all my exes, apart from my husbands.”

"You can take everything I know about men and put it on the head of a pin, and still have room left for The Lord's Prayer."

On Gay Men…

“I think that the longer I look good, the better gay men feel.”

“I am never offended when I see the drag-queens dressed up like me.”

On Career…

“Until you're ready to look foolish, you'll never have the possibility of being great.”

“In this business, it takes time to be really good — and by that time, you’re obsolete.”

“Some years I'm the coolest thing that ever happened, and then the next year everyone's so over me, and I'm just so past my sell date.”

On Beauty…

“I'm insecure about everything, because... I'm never going to look in the mirror and see this blond, blue-eyed girl. That is my idea of what I'd like to look like.”

On Wealth…

“I'm scared to death of being poor. It's like a fat girl who loses 500 pounds but is always fat inside. I grew up poor and will always feel poor inside. It's my pet paranoia.”

My Experience:

Late in 1975, my older brother sent away for one of those Columbia House Record Club memberships clipped out of the T.V. Guide.  You know: that club where you get 11 albums for one cent and then have to buy six at full price?  He was a total jock – dumb as a rock - so his musical tastes were… eclectic, to say the least, as in he chose albums based on their popularity, rather than any actual knowledge of what the music sounded like.  Also, he chose cassettes, because he could play those in his car.  I didn’t own a cassette player at the time, so I had to keep stealing his tiny Panasonic unit or my older sister’s weird off-brand portable player.

On the plus side, he snagged a copy of Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born to Run’, which I immediately fell in love with.  Even at that young age, I recognized that album was something extraordinary.  There was also ‘I Feel A Song In My Heart’ by Gladys Knight and the Pips which I thought was pretty cool, save their version of ‘The Way We Were’, which sounded kind of hokey to my ears. 

And then there was ‘Dark Lady’ by Cher.

He tossed it at me and said, “Here, you keep this one.  You’ll probably like it.”  He was right.  I was intrigued by the album cover; it’s black and white imagery lending my young brain a new definition of what it meant to be glamorous.  The songs within?  A cavalcade of story songs that made me wistful and full of yearning at an age when I had nothing to pine for.  I totally hooked into the drama of “I Saw a Man and He Danced with His Wife”, inexplicably relating to the dilemma experienced by its protagonist.   

I knew who she was from her television show with Sonny.  My dislike for Sonny was intense; I wanted to punch him. I hated his voice. How he landed a babe like Cher I never understood.  Their weird passive-aggressive banter made me uncomfortable.  It never came across as funny.  But Cher seemed like that cool, detached beautiful high school girl who snuck cigarettes behind the school and didn’t belong to any clubs or participate in any extra-curricular activities.  I thought she would make for the coolest babysitter ever.

I kept that cassette of ‘Dark Lady’ up until 1993. 

Back in the mid-haties, my family purchased a cabin up north.  It came with an attached ‘bar’, where the locals would stop in for a beer and something to snack on.  I was, *ahem*, in between jobs at the time, and so I got to run the bar for part of the summer.  The place didn’t attract a lot of business, so I spent most of my time heating up frozen pizzas in the pizza oven and plugging quarters into the juke box.  One of the 45’s in the mix was ‘Take Me Home’ by Cher, with the flip side being ‘My Song (Too Far Gone)’.  It was the B-Side that got all the play from me; I loved singing harmony to that song. 

In 1994 I bought a used copy of ‘Heart of Stone’ on CD, which I bet I still have.  It wasn’t until ‘Believe’, in 1998 that I became obsessed.  I wanted to listen to everything she had recorded.  It was a fun, bumpy ride and I now own a lot of her output, along with a ton of remixed singles (which I never listen to). 

So enamored was I - I got caught up in the Cher fever surrounding her Do You Believe? Tour (1999-2000), scored tickets, and saw her at the Target Center in Minneapolis with three of my best friends.  Our seats were good.  The opening act was a girl group called Wild Orchid, featuring Fergie (who I thought sounded just like Taylor Dayne). Cyndi Lauper (the second opening act) was incredible – in great voice, working the crowd like it was Vegas and the audience was a slot machine.  And then there was… Cher!  It was a spectacle and a lot of fun; very flashy, touching, and worth every penny.

I saw ‘Burlesque’.  Eh. A glitzy, empty, by-the-numbers show biz affair.  It took some getting used to, for Cher appeared to be a bit too-well preserved, to the point of mummification.  Botox?  I don’t know.  It was a little creepy, like watching someone wearing a Cher mask sort of float about delivering hackneyed dialogue.  Maybe it was just me.  Though, I must say, she sure sold the hell out of “You Haven’t Seen The Last of Me”.  It was the highlight of the movie.

Now, with her upcoming CD ‘Closer to the Truth’ about to be released (September 24^th), my interest has been piqued anew.  I like the new single, even though it feels a bit old school.  Rumor has it that the CD itself is an eclectic affair, though her collaboration with Lady Gaga did not make the final cut.  I’m sure it will take up residency in my car’s CD player through what remains of the summer. 

I admire her personal politics and agree with her ‘been there, done that, didn’t care much for it’ view of the world.  And as with all beloved divas, she supports a number of charities, including: 

• Afghanistan Relief Organization
• American Foundation for AIDS Research
• DoSomething.org
• KaBOOM!
• MedicAlert Foundation
• Music Rising
• Operation Helmet
• St. Francis Food Pantries and Shelters
• United Service Organization

My Conclusion:

The Jimmy James quote pretty much says it all.  Given that, I wouldn’t mind sticking around (even though my face would probably be melting off).  The woman is a hoot.  She shoots from the hip and never fails to deliver something that pricks the skin of the world’s cultural consciousness, be it good, bad, outrageous, shocking, campy, thought-provoking, or just plain fun. In a way, she’s become a permanent state of being; an on-going source of comfort and inspiration.

She was one of the first female entertainers to embrace and cater to her gay fans, because she knew we would be there for her in good times and bad. 

And we have been.  And always will be.

Always…

…just like Cher. 

'The Way of Love'

'I Saw a Man and He Danced With His Wife'

'Dark Lady'

'Train of Thought'

'Bang, Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)'

'Lavern Sketch'

'Perfection'

'My Song (Too Far Gone)'

'King Kong Sketch'

'Taxi, Taxi'

'The Music's No Good Without You'

'V.A.M.P. Sketch Pt. 1 & 2'

'Woman's World'