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Thursday, January 30, 2014

TMI Questions: “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?” / “You can’t handle the truth!”

"Today I am your chariot horse
Tomorrow I'm your albatross
Suspended by the finest thread
No one could ever see
And when there's breathing in your ear
You put your faith in all you hear
But just how deep those feelings go
I have no way to know
I'll never know..."
- "Pretending To Care" written by Todd Rundgren

Curses!  More questions I would rather not answer. 

(But know one is holding a gun to your head.)

(I know that.  Shut up.)

But I will dig deep for this one.

As I am already on record stating, I am a terrible liar; as in habitual and clever.  I own that.  I am working on that. 

These days I find that pretending something never happened, looking the other way, and living in a state of denial are not a bad way to pass the time. 

Pick your battles, am I right? 

I only have so much money, energy, and time.  So I get to decide where I want to spend all three.  If reality is too much of a bummer to contemplate, then let it slide.  Let karma do its thing.  I am not here to police the world.  And if a pair of rose-colored glasses needs to be worn on occasion, who am I to judge?

If it’s not important – such as how someone looks or behaves in a personal setting, then why not paint a wonderful world for people?  What’s the harm?  Matters of the heart (and self-image) should be handled with tenderness. 

And in these matters, I am kinder to no one more than myself.


If it is important; such as matters of business, health, art, or politics?  Then man-up, put on your big boy panties, and get paid, son.  You owe it to yourself and others to brandish the truth like a sword in battle.  If damage should be done, it is not the messenger to be blamed.      

I relish critiques.  If someone takes me down to the bottom of the artistic steps, points to a pile of doo-doo and then points at me and says… you, you?  Well, they will win my eternal respect and devotion, along with my ear. 

Provided that shit is mine.

If it’s not?  If you is wrong?  Whoah! 

Pity that fool. 

Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information


TMI Questions: “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?” / “You can’t handle the truth!”

What's the most creative lie you've ever told?

They’re all creative.  Even the ones where the truth is held back by omission; something that requires a work-around, which means, yes, you too could be a project manager!

But the most creative lies I have ever told are the ones I have convinced myself of over the years.  We all do it to some degree.  We do it to spare ourselves, our vanity, our ego, or self-respect.  

I have two that I have yet to let go of.

One: that I am just like everybody else.  I am not.  Someday life might prove me right, but for now, there is no evidence to the contrary, so I must continue to convince myself that there is nothing special here and that I am no different than anyone else.

Two: that I am unworthy of love. I don’t know where that message came from, but the lie stuck – stuck real good.  And even though I know it’s a damn lie, in the crux of any situation where matters of the heart come into play? That is my fallback position.  That is the lie that helps explain… everything.  (To me.)

It’s my way of coping with things I don’t control.

Like time.  And life.  And other people.

All the counseling in the world hasn’t been able to remove that rock - which is tied to one of my feet still to this day.

Here’s an ugly truth:  you can’t soar with a rock tied to your foot.

But I do keep trying…

What lie do you wish you could take back?

The truth… it’s all subjective, right?

If I believed it to be the truth at the time, then it was not a lie.

In my brief lifetime, I have been many people, many things.  Some of those people and some of those things may have misrepresented the truth from time to time in the hopes of gain.  While I do not disown some of those individuals, I can’t say for certain that they have all been fully integrated into the one typing these words. 

Some have done great harm with intention.

Some, unintentionally.

I have to live with the knowledge of all their actions.

Some days, and in some instances, that is harder to do, than others.

I regret hurting people.  That’s my karma.  That’s something people who hurt others – intentionally and otherwise – have to live with – the knowledge that they hurt people.

I’ve long been creative with the truth. And that has led to people getting their feelings hurt, one way or another. 

In these instances, I make amends where and if I can, but only if doing so doesn’t do more harm than good.  Fixing something for my sake is not more important than the emotional welfare of someone else.  In other words, some of these people never want to see my ass again.  And I need to respect that.

Having worked with a lot of creative people I can tell you this – no one can do greater emotional harm than a creative person, and no one can be harmed more deeply than a creative person. 

When art is life (and by that I mean a person’s life / identity / livelihood / being) then doors to the psyche frequently get swung wide open and it’s during those moments when the most damage can be done – to and by a creative individual.  

That doesn’t mean they are immune to blame.  With great gifts come great responsibility.   Unfortunately, young artists are frequently too immature to think beyond the end of their nose.  So people who are downed by ‘friendly fire’ rarely even register on these myopic souls' radar.

When we’re young and creative, we frequently and falsely believe that the end always justifies the means. 

It doesn’t.

Not by a long shot.

How long could you go without lying? Even a white lie.

What time is it now?

And now?

I’m not sure.  Probably longer than I think. 

Sparing people’s feelings is kind of part of my work and life.  I always choose my words carefully...  more so now that I am trying to not be careless with people.  White lies told with the best of intentions?  Not a bad thing.

However, in matters of business, art, health, or politics?  I tend to be very, very candid.  And very, very guarded. 

Are you more honest when you comment anonymously?

Absolutely.  Everyone is.  But I tend to be fairly blunt in real time, so not sure if that applies to me.

I love doing 360 Degree Reviews.  Brutal would be a good way to describe my style.  Note that if there is praise to be had, I am very generous, but if there is a pattern of behavior that makes dealing with someone difficult or gets in the way of productivity?  Oh, yeah, I’m a total assassin.  

Because it is anonymous… right?  

Only, it’s not.  Not really.  If you have half a brain you can determine who said what based on the writing style, choice of words, and incident highlighted. 

Still, I don’t care.  Let them think it’s me. 

Then they know better than to mess with me.
One year, I assassinated my boss.  He was devastated, but so deserved it: micromanaging, taking on too many assignments, inability to delegate, chronic indecisiveness, etc. 

The next year, he set about making changes and became a much better boss. So, the next year?  On his 360?  I buttered his bread so damn thick. 

The other day, I was going through my files and found his completed 360 reports. I’d never bothered to read them. I had to laugh. 

Both years?  They used a majority of quotes from my assessments.  Why?  Because I can kind of, sort of write… and I choose words for maximum impact, so it makes for great examples.  They also make the compilers of the reports look good – as in, look smart.

Still, I was surprised. 

And surprised my boss never said anything.

Also I’m surprised that my own 360 degree reviews never come back negative. 

Because they should. 

They really should.

Does the truth hurt?


Even the good stuff stings – because it establishes an expectation and expectations lead to anxiety.

The bad stuff?  I take it better than I used to.  I used to flee.  Now, I stay and paste a stupid ‘I’m not going to cry’ smile on my face.  My eyes get really big, like saucers.  Then I agree with whatever they have to say, promising to ‘do better’ and part after sharing something I plan on doing to ‘make things better’. 

And then I do whatever the hell I feel like.

Fuck it.  Life is too short.  At this point in my life I am perfectly content to coast just under the radar.  And I’m damn good at it, too.

I save all my ambition for creative projects – many of which will never come to fruition, but that is where all my dreams live these days. 

Does that mean I’m living a lie?


What was the worst thing that happened to you because of a lie?

While I know I have been caught in a lie, I do not remember any dire consequences related to a lie. 

Though I am sure I have lost friends and lovers that way. 

Oddly enough none of my lovers ever left me for cheating on them.

And they really should have.

That’s the only way we learn.

But friends?  I’m sure they could point to some breaking point for them, and I am sure some of them involve me being less-than-truthful. 

Insert story here: about a songwriting partner named David; a tender, talented soul.  We wrote together at a time when I should not have been allowed around tender talented souls.  When I was truthful?  I was brash, headstrong, a tad savage.  And when I lied… well, eventually that was our undoing.

There was a time when I was not good with people, only I never thought it was my problem.  I assumed the problem was theirs.

I’m working on that.

Who do you lie to the most - yourself or others?

Myself.  Constantly. 

I have to keep the monster that’s under the bed… under the bed.

I won’t be held responsible for what happens if he gets out.

Is there a difference between a secret and a lie?


Nothing wrong with keeping secrets.  I have several I am taking to my grave.  And considering all the crap I willingly share?  That means they’re something pretty awful.

Really awful.

But if asked about something you are keeping secret?  And you choose to keep the secret?  Then that is telling a lie.  Because you do know about it and to claim otherwise is not being truthful.

So what?

Some secrets are worth taking to your grave.

When making that decision?  Be sure to think ‘big picture’.

Just saying.

Truth or Dare?

Dare, of course.

I will do almost anything. 


Does the mirror never lie?

Hmmm.  Only when Max Factor is involved.  I used to look damn good all made up for the stage – in fact – I was pretty back in my summerstock days (I have photos!) – with my blonde locks and good skin.  A little mascara?  Some nice foundation?  A little rouge?  Painted lips?  Oh, yeah… I’d fuck me.

But today?

Oh, no.  If I tried that today I would look like a saggy outhouse with a new coat of paint.

Yep… outmoded, in need of demolition, and full of shit.

If there is one place I am brutally honest with myself, it is in front of a mirror.  It’s one of the few places where the truth is so overwhelming not even I, the king of bullshit, can find a work-around. 

Does the mirror have two faces?

Ummm… if that is code for something I am clueless. 

Other than that Barbra Streisand movie.

So, I am going for a literal interpretation.

Yes, but only when my boyfriend and I are brushing our teeth or shaving at the same time before we hit the gym on Saturday or Sunday mornings. 

I am hoping that becomes an on-going thing… as in to infinity and beyond.  

But then I am only one of the faces in that mirror.  So, fingers crossed.

As someone who has always, always, always insisted on his own bathroom? 

Well, that is the transformative power of it, huh?


How old are you?

You booger, Sean.

Okay… here ya go...

I will be 53 years old on February 14th.

Yes, I am an old fuck.

And, yes, that is my body in my google profile pic.  Just ask my boyfriend.

And, yes, everything below the neck?  Still worth a peek.

It’s odd.  When I was young, I used to lie about my age, claiming to be older than I was, because I wanted to be taken seriously. 

When middle aged, I lied about my age, claiming to be several years younger so that others would not automatically eliminate me from consideration for a fuck.

Now?  Why bother?  It’s a number.  If you’re hung up on numbers, than you know nothing of life and little of human nature, and in light of that - not worth my time.

At my age, having done what I have done, and been through all I have been through? 

I’m just happy (and damn lucky) to be anywhere.

How much do you weigh?

158 lbs. naked, 164 lbs. clothed.

I used to be 172 for the longest time.

As an adult, the most I have ever weighed is 187.

As an adult, the least I have ever weighed is 133.

Yeah.  When you are 6’1”?  You don’t want to weigh 133.

Is it really that big?

I don’t think so.  But others remain impressed enough to comment on it.  And considering the state of everything else attached?  I’ll happily take the compliment. (Yep, that's a recent pic of it.)

Are you really vers?

I wasn’t. (until I was 38)(I was a die hard top)

I was. (38-46)

I’m not. (46-now)

I’m a big bottom now.  I did all the work for years and years… I figure, this side of 40? I get to coast a little. That said… I still do a lot of the work!

Just how old is that pic?

The blogger profile pic was taken a year and a half ago. 

These pics were taken last year.

I have stopped taking pics, because I have no use for them.  As far as I’m concerned, pics are marketing tools and I consider my ass… off the market.

But then, the mirror has two faces…

And mine is only one…

So, stay tuned!

"You'll come to bear it like a cross
Then start to tear it like frayed gauze
Though I'm ashamed to be afraid
I just can't help myself
Can't help myself..."