Worst Pop Music: 2013

Worst Singles:

Holy Grail – Jay Z / Justin Timberlake

The duo that brought us the best single of the year?  They are also responsible for the year’s absolute worst.  That it was as popular as it was makes one question the taste of those who popularize music.  

Justin’s chorus is all saccharine garbage, but the crap that comes out of Jay Z’s trouty pout makes those of us with any sense of fairness want to give him a good whack or two.  Dude needs a reality check; people barely making ends meet don’t want to hear multi-millionaire Jay Z whine about how difficult his life is due to all his money and fame.  

But then to add to the injury?  Name dropping Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ because… it happens to rhyme?  And then there’s that whole ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ thing. Smells more like desperation, as in Courtney Love must need the money.   

It all adds up to a song created by committee – the members of which should hang their heads in shame.

Timber – Pitbull / Kesha

Pitbull, who I once had a crush on (put back on those dark glasses), will apparently rap on just about anything – see Enrique Iglesias’ latest piece of tripe.  

This one is all on him, with a little help from a Kesha.  Both stars are way beyond their shelf life, so whoring themselves out to the latest fad (hillbilly dance music  - ugh) would seem to be a way to extend their fifteen minutes.  

This one makes the Pitbull / Xtina collaboration ‘Feel This Moment’ almost forgivable.  Truly painful.

Roar – Katy Perry

The little single that failed to live up to its name.  Roar?  This thing barely registers at all.  

The incredibly downer beat is partly to blame, but the thing that sinks this one six feet under are the lamest lyrics ever to spring from Ms. Perry’s pen.  

Katy is best when being ironic and slightly humorous with tongue firmly planted in cheek or merely being cheeky.  Sincere?  Inspirational guru?  Ummm… shop elsewhere.  Hallmark stores sell less stale sentiments of empowerment.

The Fox – Ylvis

The video was one of the funniest things out there this year. I actually like the music and, given different lyrics and subject material, this might be considered a rather catchy tune.  As is?  Annoying beyond belief.  But that is what happens when a novelty item with a shelf life of one week ends up sticking around long after it’s worn out its welcome.  Still, kudos for the name of the group.

Dishonorable Mentions:

Chinese Food – Alison Gold

Makes Christina Perri’s ‘Jar of Hearts’ and Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ seem ground breaking, astoundingly deep, and musically revelatory.

Robin Thicke – ‘Blurred Lines’ and ‘Give It 2 Me’

While Prince and Marvin Gaye would both like some of that sweet royalty money, they would be embarrassed to be associated with funk this hollow.

Gas Pedal - Sage the Gemini, WOP – J Dash, Versace – Migos, Bubble Butt – Major Lazer, feat. Bruno Mars, 2 Chainz, Tyga, and Mystic

Ringtones masquerading as music.

Started From the Bottom – Drake

Dude, you are such a liar.  From the bottom?  More like the cushy middle.  Why are you such a liar?

What Now – Rihanna

What now, indeed.  Shrill and simply trying too hard, Rihanna should have run from the recording booth before belching up this one.  Unlistenable.

We Can’t Stop – Miley Cyrus

Laziest piece of crap ever to wash up on the radio. It’s not dance, it’s not great pop, it’s not… interesting.  Can’t stop?  More like never got started. (Love that shout out to the big girls, though.) 

Dark Horse – Katy Perry feat. Juicy J

This one finds the self-appointed self-esteem priestess in ‘E.T.’ mode, which is fine, but it gets dropped on this list for green lighting Juicy J’s dumbest name drop to America’s favorite gay serial killer (“She eats your heart out, like Jeffrey Dahlmer).  

No, I’m not kidding. 

Worst Musical Trend:

Aping Mumford and Sons and putting a dance beat under it. 

Avicii, Pitbull / Kesha, et al.

Hillbilly blue grass dance music sucks .  Stop it already.  

Mumford and Sons are boring enough as is.  Adding a stupid dance beat to the mess only demonstrates a total lack of musicality. 

Like oil and water, some things do not belong together.

Runner Up:

Modern Country

Goes down like a vanilla yogurt / latex paint smoothie.  Yeah, even my gag reflex kicks in. Georgia Florida Line?  Yuck. 

Worst Album:

Elvis Costello / The Roots : Wise Up Ghost

Talk about a stone cold soul killer.  And not in a good way.  I have no idea what either party was thinking.  Possibly the worst team put together since Brad Paisley and LL Cool J.  

Seriously embarrassing and should have never been released.  It’s simply so deadly dull.

Runner-Up:

Music From Baz Luhrmann’s Film: The Great Gatsby

The kind of stuff nightmares are made of.   Some of the worst musical ideas ever committed by a bunch of people too privileged and self-involved to know better – which, ironically, is very much in keeping with F. Scott’s original novel.  Hmmm.  But, no… this stuff is awful.

Worst Artist:

Okay, Kanye, someone has stolen your crown, dude. 

Bruno Mars – that vaguely unctuous, gender-deficient pop star - has pulled ahead, thanks to some of the dumbest lyrics I have ever heard in my life via ‘Gorilla’, ‘Treasure’, ‘When I Was Your Man’, and the astoundingly (and that’s saying a lot considering ‘Gorilla’ is on this list) bad ‘Young Girls’.  

Mr. Mars has worst taste than Paula Deen’s studio audience members.

This man seriously creeps me out.  

 --- ---

Yeah, there are others that should be on this list…  but who has the time?  And why bother?

Man, this stuff makes me crabby.