Wednesday's Question Of The Day: Quality Of Life

Wednesday's Question Of The Day: 

Quality Of Life

Hump day? Well, I'll give you something to ponder.

Yes, it's time for Wednesday's Question Of The Day.

Each Wednesday, a new question to give you the opportunity to do a bit of self-examination.  Think of it as a way of getting to know all about you and a chance to learn a little more about me. 

That's right. You know me; spill that tea! For I am the king of over-sharing!

Oh, and please leave your responses in the comments section. 

Why, think of this as a little blogging kiki!

Okay! Ready, set... 

Here's today's question:

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

Gee, you want five, don't you? Five things. I do. I want five things. But just one. Well... I don't think it's going to be the one you expect.

It's not money - for, as Annie Lennox once sang, money can't buy it.

Nope, I am going with...

Self-Confidence.

I don't know where self-confidence comes from. 

Are you born with it? I was not. 

Is it a matter of privilege? Status, caste, class, social position? Is it something you naturally possess but gradually erodes over time due to the toxic people you come in contact with during your developing years? Can it actually be physically beaten out of you?

Again. I don't know. I have never found the answer to this one. And I have been aware of my lack of it for centuries. I've read the books. I've listened to the teachings. I've explored every avenue. Therapy. Religion. Pharmaceuticals. Career development. On and on... It's a want I have always had, a need that has thus far gone unfulfilled, and one I have come to accept as unattainable at this stage in the game. 

Instead? I do as I have always done: I fake it, until I make. 

Faking it? Well, it robs any accomplishment of its authenticity. Rather than proud (what is that?), I live in fear of being found out; branded an imposter - my incredibly tiny crowns taken away from me. 

And when I fail? Well, what else did I expect?

I live my life waiting for the me that has yet to arrive. 

Oh, I carry on. Sometimes like a fool. I find moving forward preferable to wallowing in the stank of self-recrimination, fear, self-loathing, and *gasp* self-pity. But I can never move forward fast enough to escape that nagging sense of never having actually earned anything in my lifetime. 

I believe that self-confidence is the missing factor. Not having it has robbed me of ever experiencing 'success' as defined by the world around me. Yes, I realize we ultimately have the power to define success for ourselves, and I have (had to), but there is the larger picture, the one with all the tangible rewards others deem the signs of true success. 

Living without self-confidence? It takes its toll. I've come to doubt everything about myself. It's there in my posture for all the world to see. If something works out - it's good luck. If it doesn't - bad luck. Except, like religion and magic and magical thinking, I no longer believe in luck. Instead, I've come to accept the randomness of life. 

For, no matter how disciplined I am, no matter how hard I try to hone a skill, develop a talent, achieve a goal... ultimately, without self-confidence, I resort to practicing a form of self-fulfillment in the form of self-defeat and self-sabotage. 

So, that is the one thing I wish I had - self-confidence - as I believe it would make all the difference. 

Maybe I'm fooling myself. 

But I don't think so. 

I'm many things. 

But I'm not a stupid person.

--- ---

Money Can't Buy It - Annie Lennox

Weekend Onesie: Tied In Knots, But Still Smokin'

Weekend Onesie: 

Tied In Knots, But Still Smokin'

Going through a bit of a rough patch these days. Have ever since February 14th. 

I'd spent a week in Fort Lauderdale in January. And was leaving on February 15th for a week in Palm Springs. Packed and ready to go, I went to grab my passport... and - it was gone! Along with my birth certificate, social security cards, vaccination card, school transcripts, diplomas, and everything else I had squirreled away in my fireproof safety box. 

I was devastated. And so angry with myself. Seems I let the wrong one in... as in, into my house. 

Fortunately, I still had my drivers license and credit card. So I was able to get to Palm Springs. But, what a pain in the ass to replace all that and such a confidence killer.

And while Palm Springs was still happening, a planned trip to Puerto Vallarta could not. No passport. I had to cancel and bank that plane ticket for future use. So much for best made plans. 

On top of that, my workplace emailed me, offering me a buy-out package if I would 'retire'. I was planning to... but not for another three years. Then I read the room... and I knew that if I didn't take their offer I'd be sacked and get nothing. Turns out I was right; three weeks later they laid off tons of people, entire departments and business units - gone. Currently, no one's talking about it. But it happened! It happened!

My last day was April 28th. So the big scramble began... healthcare being the number one issue to be solved. COBRA is stupidly expensive and, while a sizeable chunk of money placed in an account reserved for medical expenses (including premiums) was part of the package, I didn't relish running through it as quickly as I would if I took the company's COBRA. So I worked on finding a better means.

On top of that... my boss retired on February 10th and when they announced his replacement you could have hit me in the face with a sock full of quarters and it would have felt better. The person chosen is someone I sat next to at a leadership training ten years earlier - one of those horrid share-your-thoughts and POV kind of things. I'd not met her before that, but within moments of opening her mouth I knew EXACTLY who she was; passive aggressive, aggressively ambitious, and frightfully un-self aware.

Introducing herself to our department she actually stated "God comes first." 

Like hell...

Needless to say, once in place, she immediately put me through my paces and then proceeded to marginalize me to the point where even I thought I was pathetic. There's more to the story - but I don't want to share it. Too depressing. I can't say that she was part of my decision to get out... but I did take her rise to the throne as a signal that something was very rotten in Denmark. 

Then the clutch went out in my mini cooper, which was an expense I had no problem covering, but it was $6.2K I had planned for a trip to Europe, so rather unfortunate.

Then two of the dearest people in my life, whom I would do anything for, were in financial straits. I was able to help both, only to be handed a tax bill which was double what I had been prepared to pay. You see, the property management company I am part of sold two properties just before the housing market crashed (again), so I knew there were taxes to pay on the capital gains, but, while not shocked, I was surprised. 

Don't worry. Financially, I'm fine. I had a consultation with my financial advisor and based on some convoluted calculations, they determined that I can live until I am over 100 and not worry about a change in lifestyle.

So.. with all of this going on, and there are other minor things that I'm not going to bother sharing, I found myself in the type of situation where normally I would post one of those 'technical difficulties' signs here and close up shop for, oh, I don't know... three years or so. Instead, while I have fallen woefully behind in my commenting on the blogs of others (my apologies), I persevered, made myself power through and continued to keep up with this blog. Yes, I know. Who cares? Well, while everything around me was in flux, this blog was the one thing which remained constant. 

I've wanted to share this info, but just couldn't find the words. It's been a bit devastating. So, on this side of it? The words came and I know enough to keep it relatively brief. You get the picture, albeit the broad strokes. (Post script - I am really struggling with all of this. More than I thought I would. It's weird - like the ground has broken into a landscape of spinning plates and I don't know which to step on or where to stand. I'm sure it will pass. But I'm more wrecked than I thought I'd be.)

I have no idea what the next phase of my life is to look like. 

In a way, it's as if my identity has been stolen - in more ways than one. 

I've grown cautious. Which means I am... well, anyone's guess. Fear actually tends to make me act out, impulsive and reckless - prone to fits of one kind or another. I'm trying to keep a lid on it. 

I'm taking the summer off. And will be at my beloved prairie any day the weather allows. It will give me ample time to find my path forward. I think about returning to the theatre. I think about taking odd jobs here and there - nothing of great consequence. I think about hiding out in my little basement studio and doing as little as possible. 

I've still got my health. Enough money. A roof over my head that's paid for. I have my car, my family, my friends. So, I know I'll be alright, for a bit...

But that identity thing? 

That's another matter.

I woke up the other morning with the realization that I am rapidly becoming a non-essential human being. I serve no purpose. I've become ineffective. 

But then, as others were quick to point out, none of us are essential. The world? It will go on spinning whether we are present or not. Whether we choose to participate, be a spectator, or sit this one out. 

The question I'll be asking myself all summer is: So? What's it gonna be?

I'll let you know when I have the answer.

Rescue Me - Madonna

Confidence equals arrogance? Since when?

All my life I have battled with the notion that to feel good about yourself, your accomplishments and your life might easily be construed as being pompous, egotistical and arrogant. It's not that I hid my talents and opinions under a bushel barrel, but I have always had difficulty taking a compliment. The same is true of criticism - which, if it is genuine and given without an ulterior motive, is, in fact, a very great compliment - for someone to have taken the time to give you advice that is intended to truly nurture you - to help you grow - well, that is just as wonderful as being told you're the best thing sliced bread.

Unfortunately, all too often criticism comes tinged with a hue that has nothing to do with wanting to be helpful at all.

Usually it has a lot more to do with the other person than it does your performance, behavior, or opinion. The same can be true of compliments, as well.

Today someone leveled the criticism that I am "too full of myself". Now there was a time when I would have jumped and said... yes, true - what do I have to be proud of? - I should be ashamed!

But... to be proud and confident of who you are and what you believe - WHEN did that become a bad thing?

I've always admired confident people. They seem to cut right through all the tedious things in life that waste time and deter productivity. I always thought it was something given them by their parents, their genes, or something they earned from others. I always thought they were just lucky. But now I know that is not true. Confidence is something you learn about yourself - not through the eyes and words of others - but by learning about yourself - by defining who you are.

Yes, I have met people who indeed, have crossed the line into arrogance - we all have. They're boorish and talk only of themselves and never ask questions of others.

But trust me, it is quite possible to be confident and still be humble.

I'm a very humble person. I feel that all the gifts/talents/blessings that I have were given by the grace of a higher power. Yes, I took responsibility for them, chose to develop them and along the way met a lot of people who helped me do exactly that. Every book I have ever read, every play I have seen, every song I have ever heard - all have contributed greatly to the person I am becoming.

You see, for a long time I did not believe 100% in my gifts - not completely, not truly. I've always held back just a little - because it hurts to be wrong - especially about abilities. "It hurts to be found out public like a frog."

There was a time when I lived my life like a sparkler - shooting off in a million different directions all at once. I wanted to share everything about me. I wanted to prove my gifts. I wanted to be noticed, to be seen. But for the past ten years or so, something has changed. Now I like to keep my gifts very private. I hold them close and share them with very few people - because the longer I spend time on this earth and expose myself to other people, the more I tend to find that people, given the chance, are just too wrapped up in their own muck to really listen to anything you have to offer. They become mean-spirited, spiteful - without provocation. So I no longer share as much of myself as I once did.

The whole process of putting something out there and then getting smacked back down because people are jealous, or angry, or frustrated, or feel the need to cut someone else down in order to make themselves feel better about who they are - or because the just genuinely don't like it - it's become to risky, too predictable. In a way - by putting yourself out there, you are in fact, being self-abusive - especially if you're aware of the risks involved. Anytime total strangers are allowed to take pot shots at you... you open yourself to all sorts of nastiness that has very little to do with whatever it is you had to offer.

Which I guess is the point of this entry... when people say nasty, baseless things - it really says much more about them than it does their target.

I am fortunate... and grateful for everything - the good, the bad, the success, the failures - that I have experienced so far in my life. It's made me a better person - someone who is confident (most of the time) - someone who acknowledges and is grateful for his gifts and talents and continues to develop them - and most importantly... someone who has defined who he is - and who he is not - and is not afraid of defending it.

When I think of all the years I spent wanting to be ANYBODY else but me... well, trust me, that is no longer true. I really am very happy with who I am becoming. (No, I'm not finished yet. None of us ever really are... )

So - the next time someone accuses you of being too full of yourself... take a moment and think about it - is that REALLY such a bad thing? Also consider the source - and if you find that it is someone who doesn't have a clue about who you are - if they present themselves as some anonymous chatroom handle with no picture, no website, no e-mail address (in short - offering nothing of themselves) - don't give them the power to make you question who you are - you KNOW who you are (if you've been doing your homework).

And that, my friend is a very valuable thing to know.

Keep peddling, Skippy. We're getting nearer the top of that hill.

- mhk