Weekend Onesie: Tied In Knots, But Still Smokin'

Weekend Onesie: 

Tied In Knots, But Still Smokin'

Going through a bit of a rough patch these days. Have ever since February 14th. 

I'd spent a week in Fort Lauderdale in January. And was leaving on February 15th for a week in Palm Springs. Packed and ready to go, I went to grab my passport... and - it was gone! Along with my birth certificate, social security cards, vaccination card, school transcripts, diplomas, and everything else I had squirreled away in my fireproof safety box. 

I was devastated. And so angry with myself. Seems I let the wrong one in... as in, into my house. 

Fortunately, I still had my drivers license and credit card. So I was able to get to Palm Springs. But, what a pain in the ass to replace all that and such a confidence killer.

And while Palm Springs was still happening, a planned trip to Puerto Vallarta could not. No passport. I had to cancel and bank that plane ticket for future use. So much for best made plans. 

On top of that, my workplace emailed me, offering me a buy-out package if I would 'retire'. I was planning to... but not for another three years. Then I read the room... and I knew that if I didn't take their offer I'd be sacked and get nothing. Turns out I was right; three weeks later they laid off tons of people, entire departments and business units - gone. Currently, no one's talking about it. But it happened! It happened!

My last day was April 28th. So the big scramble began... healthcare being the number one issue to be solved. COBRA is stupidly expensive and, while a sizeable chunk of money placed in an account reserved for medical expenses (including premiums) was part of the package, I didn't relish running through it as quickly as I would if I took the company's COBRA. So I worked on finding a better means.

On top of that... my boss retired on February 10th and when they announced his replacement you could have hit me in the face with a sock full of quarters and it would have felt better. The person chosen is someone I sat next to at a leadership training ten years earlier - one of those horrid share-your-thoughts and POV kind of things. I'd not met her before that, but within moments of opening her mouth I knew EXACTLY who she was; passive aggressive, aggressively ambitious, and frightfully un-self aware.

Introducing herself to our department she actually stated "God comes first." 

Like hell...

Needless to say, once in place, she immediately put me through my paces and then proceeded to marginalize me to the point where even I thought I was pathetic. There's more to the story - but I don't want to share it. Too depressing. I can't say that she was part of my decision to get out... but I did take her rise to the throne as a signal that something was very rotten in Denmark. 

Then the clutch went out in my mini cooper, which was an expense I had no problem covering, but it was $6.2K I had planned for a trip to Europe, so rather unfortunate.

Then two of the dearest people in my life, whom I would do anything for, were in financial straits. I was able to help both, only to be handed a tax bill which was double what I had been prepared to pay. You see, the property management company I am part of sold two properties just before the housing market crashed (again), so I knew there were taxes to pay on the capital gains, but, while not shocked, I was surprised. 

Don't worry. Financially, I'm fine. I had a consultation with my financial advisor and based on some convoluted calculations, they determined that I can live until I am over 100 and not worry about a change in lifestyle.

So.. with all of this going on, and there are other minor things that I'm not going to bother sharing, I found myself in the type of situation where normally I would post one of those 'technical difficulties' signs here and close up shop for, oh, I don't know... three years or so. Instead, while I have fallen woefully behind in my commenting on the blogs of others (my apologies), I persevered, made myself power through and continued to keep up with this blog. Yes, I know. Who cares? Well, while everything around me was in flux, this blog was the one thing which remained constant. 

I've wanted to share this info, but just couldn't find the words. It's been a bit devastating. So, on this side of it? The words came and I know enough to keep it relatively brief. You get the picture, albeit the broad strokes. (Post script - I am really struggling with all of this. More than I thought I would. It's weird - like the ground has broken into a landscape of spinning plates and I don't know which to step on or where to stand. I'm sure it will pass. But I'm more wrecked than I thought I'd be.)

I have no idea what the next phase of my life is to look like. 

In a way, it's as if my identity has been stolen - in more ways than one. 

I've grown cautious. Which means I am... well, anyone's guess. Fear actually tends to make me act out, impulsive and reckless - prone to fits of one kind or another. I'm trying to keep a lid on it. 

I'm taking the summer off. And will be at my beloved prairie any day the weather allows. It will give me ample time to find my path forward. I think about returning to the theatre. I think about taking odd jobs here and there - nothing of great consequence. I think about hiding out in my little basement studio and doing as little as possible. 

I've still got my health. Enough money. A roof over my head that's paid for. I have my car, my family, my friends. So, I know I'll be alright, for a bit...

But that identity thing? 

That's another matter.

I woke up the other morning with the realization that I am rapidly becoming a non-essential human being. I serve no purpose. I've become ineffective. 

But then, as others were quick to point out, none of us are essential. The world? It will go on spinning whether we are present or not. Whether we choose to participate, be a spectator, or sit this one out. 

The question I'll be asking myself all summer is: So? What's it gonna be?

I'll let you know when I have the answer.

Rescue Me - Madonna