Warning... this is an adult site. If reading or viewing things about what gay men do sexually with one another bothers you - you should not read this blog. This blog is a reflection of my adventures and thoughts. Some are fun, some not so pretty. I won't name names, or kiss and tell... but I will live to tell. And baby, trust me - I am gonna spill it all over your pretty little party dress. Enjoy!
Oh, for the number of times, in my younger years, I told myself the exact same thing.
Denial is a powerful thing - a sort of super power.
In the case of a possibly terminal illness, it can actually pay big dividends, convincing your body to not give up, to heal itself.
It can also have deadly consequences, as in the case of those who refuse to get vaccinated for Covid-19, thus putting themselves and others at risk.
But it can also simply delay the inevitable, allowing our minds the time needed to absorb and accept.
It took me 27 years to accept the fact that I am gay.
Me? I had a lot of baggage to unpack, so I needed more time. Everyone's journey is different.
That one statement had such a big impact on my life. Not only was I ready to accept who I was, I was also prepared to take on the challenges my declaration would bring. I had used those 27 years of denial as a time of preparation. In many ways, that declaration was the beginning of my life as an adult. Before that time? I was busy hiding, merely treading water.
Yes, I saw the crescent... but waiting for me, out there, was the whole of the moon.
So, I'm grateful for my rather lengthy gestation period.
Thanks to that time, messy and confusing as it was, I was able to finally begin my journey to become the man I am today.
We all need to take pride in who and what we are - it's a kind of imperative, if we are to find joy - which is one of the hallmarks of a successful life.
I look at my life, today, and realize that by the standards of others? It may not seem much.
But it's mine.
I built this house.
I am responsible for every choice made since that declaration so long ago.
Something we all have in common? We all used to be younger. Granted the time between 'then' and 'now' is a great deal longer for some of us... but this quiz is germane to all of us.
The term, 'salad days', is behind the inspiration for today's quiz. It's "a Shakespearean idiomatic expression meaning a youthful time, accompanied by the inexperience, enthusiasm, idealism, innocence, or indiscretion that one associates with a young person."
Or, it may refer to the heyday of someone or something; a golden age, perhaps?
I thought it might be fun to take a look at some of our youthful expectations, how it played out, and what our perspective from the other end of the telescope might be. So, climb aboard this somewhat bawdy time machine for a brief look at our former selves.
Shall we?
Dare we?
--- ---
1/ What personality trait did your younger self possess that you wish you still had?
Innocence springs to mind, but what a bore!
I miss all that unbridled energy. It was rarely focused, but it did burn brightly.
No, I think I am going to go with my enthusiasm. I was so on board for anything new. It was this strange hunger that was actually the source of all my energy. I wanted to see it and do it and try it and taste it and be it.
If something was happening, I joined. I volunteered. I participated. Possibly because it kept me out of my house and away from my mother. But also because I wanted to prove to the world that I was a go-getter. A good guy! And that spirit served me well, later, when I got involved with theatre.
There is still a part of me that seeks out new things / experiences. I'm always open to hearing new music. But when I think of my day-to-day life... well, my job, for instance - I rarely get all excited about some new initiative or undertaking. I think experience and history colors and informs our expectations and what we foresee as the eventual outcome.
For example, we are going through yet another reorganization, a new way of imagining how our company functions, and because this is my fourth time in 12 years dancing 'round that flag pole, well, my lack of enthusiasm is palpable. In my mind, I'm thinking, "Oh, this will lead to a whole lot of nothing." And when I first saw their visual representation of this rebirth, I thought, "Nice graphic. How much did that cost?"
So, I've become a bit of a Debbie Downer.
What has time taught me? Don't overreach. Don't get your hopes up. Don't expect to win.
I have become a big picture person... I can't take a first step without envisioning the final one. So, these days? All too frequently, I choose not to step at all.
Boo, hoo. Wha-wha-wha...
Stupid whiney baby man.
2/ What personality trait did your younger self possess that you, thankfully, outgrew?
I was a grubby, greedy little kid. I wanted to eat everything. Sugar, sugar, sugar. And sweat. I used to sweat a lot, because I was always running.
Someone! Give that kid a bath!
If I met me, I would tell myself... go brush your teeth and wash your hands, you little turd.
And slow down! You're not putting out fires.
Are those personality traits?
And I would poke my nose into everything. Touch everything. Ask a million questions (I still do.)
And suck up to adults like a Hoover. Obnoxious little sycophant.
3/ What have you accomplished in your lifetime that would surprise and delight your younger self?
That I would eventually graduate college with a 3.96 GPA and magna cum lah-di-dah - and my major would be business, not theatre.
That I own houses and have a healthy 401K.
That I have a checkbook and a credit card. One has a healthy balance and the other has no balance.
That I drive, maintain and own a car.
The only reason they would be surprised is because none of that occurred to my younger self. It wasn't really on the radar until I was in my late 30's. Money meant nothing... other than you had to have it sometimes - to buy drinks. I never saw its value.
In a way, I still don't. When my ex gets in a jam, and I take care of it, he always goes on and on... but I'm like.. it's just money. I don't really care about it.
My whole life? When applying for a job? I never would ask about money. And I have only asked about a raise once, and that was because I was hired below market value and, after giving them eight years of my life, I felt that they needed to right that wrong.
But, I am always rather surprised to get another paycheck. This company I work for? They just keep putting money in my bank account! How great is that???
4/ What goal did you your younger self have that you have since let go of?
You'd think that it would be about being a 'star', but I haven't given up on that at all. When I am 75 years-old, I am going to totally rule the 'old man' category, go back into theatre and get 'discovered'.
Bah, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, I know what it is... children. When I was younger, I always thought I would have children. I remember staying at an aunt's house when I was a tiny thing and drawing a picture. She asked me what it was... and I told her it was me (with a big blonde afro), my dog, my trailer home, and my little black adopted son. (?)
If I recall correctly, she just sort of backed out of the room.
But, no... even in my twenties, I wanted children. I thought it was meant to be and that I would be a 'fun' dad. Not around much. Not much of a provider. But I would really be 'there' for them and I would protect them. I would make them beans and wieners.
I actually had two pregnancy scares. One, with the Swiss Miss, that I sort of wanted to happen (she was so gorgeous). And one with this little actress with crazy hair which would have been a big mess and ugly and oh, my word, what was I thinking?
Eventually, I just stopped sleeping with women altogether. This was due to my time working at the Minneapolis Crisis Nursery, where I saw firsthand the horrors of parenting and learned everything a child actually needs from an adult in order to not grow up to be a homicidal maniac.
It was during that time that I came out of the closet and declared myself gay.
Phew, I thought, no risk of pregnancy there.
Of course, it did put me at risk of something else... yeah, back then? The big picture escaped me. A lot.
5/ What physical attribute(s), besides youth, did your younger self possess that you wish you still had?
Stamina. In all things. I could go 'round the clock. As a child, I loved night as much as day. And as a young adult, I was a total night owl. I ran on caffeine and nicotine. Food? What was that, other than the stuff you scarfed down at cast parties to avoid having to have actual conversations.
And back then? It wasn't good sex unless you got the sheets nice and sweaty and everybody was panting like dogs. If you weren't out of breath? You weren't done.
I ran that way, short-circuiting on occasion, but moving forward at light speed 24/7, until I was 30-something. Then adulthood seemed like something I should give a try. This thing called responsibility? Okay... let's see where this leads. I mean, suddenly, I found myself surrounded by people who had no money, no power, no common sense, no realistic ambitions.
Of course, I was still in 'throw everything up in the air and run' mode. I simply started running further and further away.
And then, one day, I had to come back... and that's who I am now.
Now? I love bedtime. I like reading before bed. I like routine. I like regular hours.
I don't enjoy much of anything in excess these days. Rather than burn my candle down, I am more likely to blow it out for a bit.
It can always be relit.
Until the day it can't.
6/ What physical attribute(s) do you now possess that would surprise your younger self?
I am bald. Well, I buzz what's left down to nothing. That head of blonde hair I had all through high school? Yep... lost it. Never saw that coming.
And muscles.
After being a pudge, I lost all my weight in fourth grade and became a toothpick. I never thought that physical activity equals muscle. I thought all sports were a pain in the ass. So I never bothered. I danced and everyone I danced with had an eating disorder - so food was never a part of that world. So I was a string bean. None of my instructors ever encouraged me to pack on a little muscle so I could lift that girl.
When I came out of the closet at 27 years-old, thanks to a friend of mine, I became someone who works out.
Haven't stopped since. Things are shifting around a bit, but I am still plugging away.
7/ What activity, hobby, or cause are you involved with these days that would surprise your younger self?
Being gay.
Working out and running.
Writing things other than songs.
Taking care of my mother, after having taken care of my father.
Getting naked at the prairie each summer.
Shoveling snow.
8/ List five things you wish you could tell your younger self?
You're gay. Get over it and get on with it, already.
When you are offered that chance to move to New York? Tell your mother you love her and go!
That piano teacher you will study with for eight years? Yeah, she's not for you. Dump her and find a teacher more your style.
Don't choose your first college based on your (very real) fear that your mother is going to kill herself and you need to be close by to stop her.
Have some standards, but... fuck everything in sight.
9/ You're turning fifteen years-old. What music artist(s) / songs are you listening to? What television program(s) are you watching?
I am listening to the following albums, over and over and over again...
A copy of David Bowie's Station to Station album that I found in a cut-out bin for $2.99.
An 8-track version of Melissa Manchester's Better Days and Happy Endings album I found in a cut-out bin at a truck stop for .99 cents.
A cassette copy of Barry Manilow's Trying to Get The Feeling album that my older brother bought, hated and threw at me, saying, "Here. YOU might like this shit."
I bought the following 45's:
All By Myself - Eric Carmen (who I thought was dreamy, having had a crush on him since The Raspberries)
Breaking Up is Hard To Do - Neil Sedaka (the remake with the ballad arrangement done by Richard Carpenter)
I was babysitting and all my money went to buying music.
Must see TV:
Saturday Night Live
SCTV
Alice - She was a wanna-be nightclub singer with a kid and I wanted to be a waitress at a truck stop.
Family - I had a crush on both Meredith Baxter and Gary Frank and the family's mom reminded me of my piano teacher. I could not relate to the family dynamics, nor the way they spoke to one another at all. It was like watching a foreign film.
I was involved in theatre (one-act play competition), dancing, still playing basketball (my last season), and prepping for speech (my first year in the storytelling category). I didn't date or go out - I would babysit. And back then, sitting kids in front of the television until bedtime? Not an option. I made chocolate chip cookies. I put on magic shows (kids are easy to fool). I played hide and seek. We would put on plays. Then, when the kids were down, I would clean their house, but that was after SNL or SCTV. People partied hardy in those days, not getting home until three or four in the morning. And I was always too afraid to go to sleep. So, television would die at midnight and I would stay awake by cleaning.
10/ You may relive one month exactly as it occurred. What age are you and what are you doing?
I am four.
I am living on the farm and it is summer. Each day is spent walking through fields of milkweed and golden rod, staring at salamanders, butterflies, toads, frogs and bunnies. I am fat, happy and clueless.
--- ---
You know the drill: leave your answers in the comments section or on your blog and leave a link.
