Wonderland Burlesque's Let's Go To The Movies: An Absolute Disaster Edition, Part I

Wonderland Burlesque's 

Let's Go To The Movies

An Absolute Disaster Edition, Part I

For those expecting a list of the worst movies of all time? Sorry to disappoint.. or, ummm... wait a minute... Hold that thought.

We are talking about disaster films, here. And once Hollywood finds a goldmine, they work it until it's a hollowed out husk - like Irwin Allen's soul.

But, before we get underway, we need to complete our Disaster Film Checklist:

Something powerful we have no control over? Check.

A plot full of suspense, tiny melodramas, romantic assignations, and schmaltz? Check.

An all-star cast full of movie stars, familiar names, faces, personalities and has-beens? Check.

Yes, it looks like we're good for take-off. 

So, let's kick the tires and light the fires... for this special Absolute Disasters Edition of Wonderland Burlesque's Let's Go To The Movies!

All passengers boarding at gate one...

Airport

(This is the one that began it all - well, sort of. In actuality, Hollywood had been churning out this type of suspense thriller for a long time - and we'll eventually get to some of those epics. Airport is unique in that it actually combined such suspense thrillers with another type of film - the star-studded multi-story picture, like Grand Hotel, starring Greta Garbo.)  

"#1 - The number one novel of the year... now a motion picture!"

(Wait! They turned a book into a movie? Say it isn't so!)

(The formula for these 'travel' disaster films is quite simple. They spend the first twenty minutes of the story demonstrating how glamorous travel is, while introducing us to members of the all-star cast. Then we start to get a hint of the fate that awaits this little trapped community. Then, in the next fifteen minutes the individual melodramas begin to play out - all interrupted by the cataclysmic event, which is the purpose of the film. From that point on the focus is on the peril at hand and once that is resolved, so are all of the mini melodramas - for it turns out that such near-death experiences make us all better people. And those that aren't good people? Oh, yeah - they die painful deaths thanks to the cataclysmic event. Disaster films are incredibly righteous - there are no moral dilemmas flood, fire, or an upside down luxury cruiser can't put right.)

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Airport 1975

"Something hit us... the crew is dead... help us, please, please help us!"

"New screen excitement inspired by the novel Airport by Arthur Hailey."

(This is a personal favorite. Oh, you can keep Linda Blair and Helen Reddy - the real fun is watching Karen Black's eyes try to escape her head once the shit hits the fan. Add Gloria Swanson playing herself and Myrna Loy - who drinks a little - and the giggle factor just keeps rising.)

"An all new movie inspired by the film Airport based on the novel by Arthur Hailey."

(Note how they need to stress over and over that this is a 'new' film, with a 'new' plot. And it worked. This one did boffo at the boxoffice - which only encouraged more 'new' films cast from the same old mold.)

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Airport '77

"All new - bigger, more exciting than Airport 1975."

"Flight 23 crashes in Bermuda triangle... Passengers alive, trapped underwater..."

(Think: The Poseidon Adventure meets the Airport franchise. Yes, they jump the literal shark with this one. A sharper-than-ever Lee Grant and a pre-wheezy Brenda Vaccaro are on hand, along with Jack Lemmon and a slumming James Stewart. Olivia De Haviland and Joseph Cotton, who last appeared together in Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte, also grace the portals of this air and sea hybrid.)

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The Concorde - Airport '79

"At twice the speed of sound, can the Concorde evade attack?"

(Why quit while you're falling behind? The invention of the Concorde promised new glamor and excitement, but failed to deliver at the box office. It successfully killed off this franchise, despite the ever-present George Kennedy. Of course, by this time the polish had worn off this apple, leading the most sought after actors to resist biting. Instead, we're handed an international cast and the likes of Susan Blakely, Robert Wagner, Eddie Albert, and Martha Raye. Jimmy Walker and Avery Schreiber are brought on board for comic relief with Mercedes Cambridge providing the only real old-Hollywood glamor.) 

 

"At twice the speed of sound, can the Concorde outrace disaster?"

(You know its got to be a great motion picture when Martha Raye is on board! I wonder if The Bugaloos make an appearance, too?)

Airport '80 - The Concorde

(Seems the producer's couldn't quite make up their minds what year this actually was supposed to have happened. And it's too bad they ended the franchise with this one. The next one? They could have introduced time travel!)

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Concorde Affaire '79

(Wow. Talk about a bottom-feeding affair. You've got to be pretty hard up to do a rip-off version of a film that wasn't exactly a winner. Oh, but I bet the disco inspired music of Roger Deodato makes sitting through this also-ran totally worthwhile. This must have been an Italian production. I say that because of the presence and prominence of Mimsy Farmer.)

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Skyjacked

"This is your captain... We have a hi-jacker on board. His identity is unknown."

"It could be anyone."

(A hallmark of the marketing for these films? All those tiny headshots of the stars. It's fun to see who makes the cut and who doesn't when it comes to billing. Susan Dey manages to get a headshot, but fails to get actual billing. Nice to see Rosie Grier and Leslie Uggams, especially in light of the fact that the franchise which this is ripping-off never featured a single black performer in a non-comedic role.)

(A really great graphic!)

"One of these people is a maniac with a bomb."

"All of them are being..."

(Based on what I read about this one, the main reason to watch it is for the totally unhinged performance of Barbra Streisand's future husband, James Brolin. Oh, I do love me a bit of scenery chewing!)

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The Hindenburg

"The truth at last? Who destroyed The Hindenburg?" 

"Of the 97 aboard, eight had a motive, one had a plot. By some miracle 62 survived."

(We're still in the sky, albeit in a very different craft with some very heavy history attached.  The cast is rather heavy on the B-side of stardom, anchored by two huge names. I'd watch this for Anne Bancroft. Honestly? Not much of a George C. Scott fan. He acts like he's always chewing a cigar.)

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The Poseidon Adventure

"One of the greatest escape adventures ever!"

"Hell, upside down."

(And now we take to the sea! This was a glamorous affair that appealed to imaginations the world over. With an Oscar-winning song (The Morning After - Maureen McGovern) and a hoot of a performance by a got-no-fucks-to-give Shelley Winters, this picture broke big, quickly becoming part of our cultural subconscious. I've never seen the actual movie, but I remember seeing the television commercials as a child and had read enough about it that I would act it out in my basement over and over again.)

"At midnight on New Year's Eve the S.S. Poseidon was struck by a 90 foot tidal wave and capsized!"

"Who will survive - in one of the greatest escape adventures ever!"

(The glamor quotient on this one cannot be underestimated. New Year's Eve on a luxury liner in the Mediterranean. Capsized by a freak 150 foot wave! Just think of all the polyester gowns and cheap tuxes that got laid to waste.)

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Beyond The Poseidon Adventure

"Before her fate is sealed by the deep, the superliner Poseidon will reveal one last secret..."

"The greatest adventure story every filmed... is not yet over."

(And yet it was - over. Irwin Allen couldn't resist going for another cash grab, milking this hoped-for franchise. Thankfully, the world said, 'no thanks.'  Michael Caine and Sally Field do their best to breathe life into this one, while Shirley Jones and Slim Pickens split the duties assigned previously to Shelley Winters. The bright spot? A sexy as ever Telly Savalas chewing the scenery. Oh. What I wouldn't give for a mere 20 minutes with that man naked!)

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"Juggernaut"

"The greatest sea adventure in history has just begun!"

"You will pay me 1 1/2 million dollars by dawn or the world's greatest luxury liner will rip open like a can of sardines and 1200 men, women, and children will die. Good day. - Juggernaut"

 (If something's successful, you can bet the other studios are going to want to cash-in, too. Hence the existence of "Juggernaut" - why the quotes? This is a sausage fest with some big name actors and Shirley Knight, who is also in Beyond The Poseidon Adventure.)

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The Cassandra Crossing

At noon on October 25th , the Transcontinental Express left Geneva Station with almost one thousand people on board. Their destination: Basel, Pairs, Brussels, Amsterdam, Copenhagen and Stockholm."

"No one arrived."

(Love that tagline ending! Chilling. This may well be the only disaster film to feature a train and the train actually isn't the main provider of suspense. It seems this has more to do with some sort of contagion that threatens to wipe out mankind. Still... there's a train and an all-star cast, headed up by Sophia Loren and Richard Harris. It also features disaster film regulars Ava Gardner, Burt Lancaster and (as if things weren't scary enough) O.J. Simpson.) 

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Rollercoaster

"Rollercoaster is a suspense melodrama of the sort that Alfred Hitchcock does best. - Vincent Canby - New York Times"

(I know that's meant to sound like an endorsement, but it is so-not. I'm fairly sure the next line in the review was something like... 'And director James Goldstone should leave it that way.' This turkey helped pop out the little plastic button that says this whole genre was done. Oh, we have yet to touch upon the actual killer (stay tuned,) but this one was royally roasted as squeezing some of the last drops of blood the genre possessed. It would be a decade and a half before such all-star vehicles would return to the big screen with such force.) 

"Watch out for the man watching the..."

(I just wish Linda Blair had been in this one, so then she could have been in both Rollercoaster and Roller Disco - which, from what I hear, is a disaster film on a whole 'nother plane!)

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What? We didn't touch on your favorite disaster film? 

Don't worry. That's what sequels are for!

Next week: disasters brought to you by the elements and mother nature!

That's all for now.

Tune in next week...

Same time, same channel.

It's Intermission Time!