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2009/03/30

10 Pet Peeves about Gay Men on the Internet

Note: I don’t feel like revealing too much of myself this week. I’m kind of sitting on the fence with my nose wrinkled up (like I’m smelling something stinky). I’m sure it will pass. As I sit here looking at the sky, I notice that it is indeed blue and the clouds present seem fairly distant, white and fluffy. So, I’m not depressed. Just pensive. Or in between phases (or personalities).

In light of my mood – here is a list of pet peeves about gay men on the internet. I think I will title it:

Pet Peeves about Gay Men on the Internet

1/ Referring to oneself as VGL

What the hell does that mean? VGL? By what standard is this measured? Have people been telling you that your whole life and therefore you assume it is a given? Who the hell are you to decide that for yourself? If beauty is in the eye of the beholder then you must be a major narcissist or one big deluded ball of self deception. Granted, all gay men have a shallow, self-involved side (as well as that part of them that is totally deluded) – why else are we sexually attracted to a body that is physically equipped like our own? But advertising yourself as VGL– well, that just makes you an asshole.

My favorite is when the extremely shallow try to justify themselves. I have a saying for them:

“When a shallow person attempts to be deep, they just wind up digging themselves a deeper hole.”

2/ Being over the age of 25 and referring to one’s self as: boy or boi.

If you are over the age of 25, you are not a boy. Yes, you can dress like one, act like one and enjoy thinking of yourself in terms of your boyhood – but it is unseemly for you to include boy or boi in your on-line handle. Role play is one thing. I have played the boy (yes, even now – with people much younger than myself). I have played Daddy. But I do not go around advertising myself as either. Sex should be sexy, not ridiculous. When you hang on to the title of boi for too long you run the risk of self-parody (think: Robin Williams) – or grotesqueness (think: Jane Hudson as played by Robin Williams). Twinks, generally do very little for me. Twinks with a 3’oclock shadow, fleshy man boobs, crows feet and bags under their eyes are… well, ridiculous - no matter how much time the spend at the gym, roller blading, biking and/or at the tanning booth - and hence, will be doing nothing with me.


3/ People who PNP and don’t disclose until you are in the act or after the act.

Okay, so people who PNP are not welcome in my world. I just hate that stuff. I’m not talking 420. I’m talking everything else. I’ve lost friends to that bitch, Tina. I’ve seen her destroy lives, loves and careers. She also makes for bad, bad sex; the worst, actually. If you are playing with Tina, please do the world a favor and announce that fact. Don’t entice me, set-me-up, have me travel all the way to your place, have your way with me and then tell me ‘oh, wow – I hope you don’t mind but….’ My response to that is always the same: Fuck You!

First of all – it explains why you can’t cum and/or keep it up. (So it’s not me.) Secondly – you crappy tweakers are the number one reason for the rise of syphilis in our gay community. (So fuck you.) And thirdly – now that you mention it, it explains so much: like why your apartment looks like crap, why you no longer resemble your on-line pictures, and why the sex we just had was so mind-boggingly awful. (Yes, it’s not me – it is, in fact, you, asshole.).

Party and play? Knock yourself out. No, really… just knock yourself out and leave the rest of us alone. We don’t want to be on that invite list. That way we don’t waste our time and energy on the likes of you.

4/ People who need to hook up RIGHT NOW. NOW!

What is it with these people? Are they friends of Tina? Do they think that you are Fed(s)Ex? Do you think you’re a pizza that gets delivered in 20 minutes or less or they get their money back? Hooking up on line takes time. So does preparing one’s body for sex. So does traveling a distance of more than five feet. Either you have time to hook-up or… you don’t. Don’t expect me to teleport myself to your location simply because your roommate is going to be home in 15 minutes.

Also… when answering my Craigslist ad – you may want to look at the time the ad was posted and then check the right hand corner of your computer monitor for the current time. Logistics… they take time and consideration. Nothing is going to happen of any quality unless you plan carefully and allow enough time. Same goes for prep time. You really do not want your bottom to rush the whole douching thing. Unless you like that sort of thing. In which case, that is something you need to negotiate up front. This brings me to my next pet peeve:

5/ People who lack reasonable hygiene.

I don’t mind a little fresh body odor. In the woods it’s like an aphrodisiac. I’ve had people tell me a fresh pit (mine) is better than poppers. I can even forgive a little poop sauce sloshing out of your recently douched hole provided that the emphasis is on ‘little’. Chocolate fountains belong in a different chat room entirely. But don’t expect me to be thrilled if you haven’t bothered to at least run a wash cloth over your stinky hole. If I’m blowing you, I am going to want to touch your hole (sometimes it helps put them over the edge), so it better not have any funky leftover residue. Uncut? Not a problem. Fromunda Cheese? Big problem.

You see… stinky and icky tasting does not sexy make. Granted there are lots of people who enjoy these things, but unless you disclose ahead of time and are in agreement, these kind of issues can be real deal breakers. People who are hooking up for run-of-the-mill vanilla sex do not like these kind of surprises.

What to do when faced with such a situation? I have in the past suggested that we start with a shower or that the person needed to go clean themselves up a bit before play can begin. But I shouldn’t have to. You should know well enough whether you’re diet consists primarily of garlic paste and whether a little Listerine would be a good idea before coming on over to my place for a little something-something. Want me to come over to your house? Wanna play house? Then take a shower, give yourself a whore’s bath, shave if needed, douche appropriately, and brush your damn teeth.

6/ Bottoms who don’t douche.

This goes with ‘Bottoms who want to be fucked outdoors, in the woods, but gee… they don’t bother to mention that they didn’t bother to douche beforehand and are in fact – ‘full of shit.’

Enough said. Don’t offer up your backside without a warning. A meek, “I may not be that clean down there’, will suffice. And NEVER grab my dick and shove it up there unless there is an agreement (and a condom) in place. Anal sex is never a given. It is like kissing - it is something negotiated and understood beforehand. Fucking is either on or off the table. (I like it any place. As long as there is running water nearby or wet wipes.) That way all parties involved can prepare (douch, bring condoms, inform CNN, etc.).

There is nothing worse than being on a hike, in the middle of the woods, with your jeans around your ankles and a coating of shit on your dick with NOTHING to wipe it off with. Offer me a leaf? Fuck you. Oh, yeah, that’s right – I just did and now I have poop all over my privates. Now… if you are smart (and I must confess – I have not always been so), you were wearing a condom and that helped make clean up a lot easier. And if you weren’t wearing a condom then… you kind of got what you deserved. Yes… another reason to convince your top to wear a condom… easy clean-up.

7/ People don’t confirm meetings, respond to emails or follow through with the pics they promised once you sent yours.

Okay… if we’re trading pics? Then you need to keep up your end of the bargain whether or not you’re interested. A promise is a promise. So follow through asshole.

Yeah, I know, I know. There are people out there who just want to jerk you around. They have no intention of hooking up. They collect pictures and get your hopes up. They crush your spirit.

But then there are those that can’t bring themselves to do the decent thing and simply type: Thanks, but not interested.

Once you let the other person know you aren’t interested, you are relieved of all further responsibility. They won’t bug you with further emails or IM’s. And they won’t worry about whether or not their email ended up in your junk mail. It pretty much takes care of it: Thanks, but not interested. Try it some time. It really works.

Of course it can also boomerang into another pet peeve of mine…

8/ People who take offense when you turn them down.

This is perhaps part of the reason that people don’t write back once they have decided that you aren’t the one. And yes, I was guilty of this…once. Just once. I wrote something awful to the shallow son-of-a-bitch who failed to send the pictures he promised me. Instead he just told me I was not his type. Which… sorry, guys… we really need to accept as enough of a response. They are there to hook up with the hottest person they can possibly snare. If you’re not on their level, not their type, or they can do better… let it go; especially if they have been honest enough to say so.

Look - I am not Zach Efron or Zach Braff. I am not Seth Meyers, Seth MacFarlane, Seth Green or Seth Rogen. I am just what I am… which is an average schmo who did not luck out in the cute department. So, don’t take it out on them… they are being honest with you.

Of course, they should send their pics as promised, just so you know what it is you’re missing out on.

9/ People with really, really old pictures of themselves which they pass off as current.

I’ve been on the net for years now. I visit the same sites that all horny fags visit. If you have the same picture you had on your profile three years ago… there is a problem. If you have the same picture on your profile that you did eight years ago, then who is impersonating you?

We all change. We get better, we get bigger, we get more muscular, we get older, we get worse, we get…. something. The fact of the matter is... shit does happen to us. Our personal photos need to reflect that. This is marketing people. You don’t show me a picture of a Mercedes Benz Sedan and then show up with a KIA Sportage.

Digital pictures are so… inexpensive. If you have the equipment to take one… you have what it takes to keep your profile photo current. Current – as in: a reflection of your true self. Yeah, I know, the odds of actually taking a decent digital photo of yourself is slim. My body is okay. My face, not-so-much. I have yet to take a decent face shot. But hey… let the buyer beware. False advertising? Never a good idea. Leads to disappointment and you run the risk of having doors slammed in your face.

And speaking of false advertising: HEY! Be honest and complete with those stats. Shaving a few years off your age? Not a bad thing. Shaving off a century? Not cool. Shaving off ten pounds on your weight? Forgivable. Telling me you have a football player’s build when, in fact, you are seriously obese? Not cool. Adding a half inch to your dick size? Understandable. Not mentioning the fact that you’re hung like a four-year-old. Not cool. Also… 5’ 10” is never going to be 6’ 3”, even if we spend most of our time horizontally.

For the record: If someone asks for your stats be sure to include (at a minimum): age, height, weight, waist size, dick size, cut/uncut and a general, accurate description of your body.

If they want more information than that, they will ask for it. Yes! If they want to know ANYTHING else it is THEIR responsibility to ask (and your prerogative to share).

And, for now, finally:

10/ People who have no sense of humor.

A sense of humor can help take the edge off of on-line hooking up. As in: don’t take any of this shit personally. It’s a crap shoot. It’s cyberspace. It’s bullshit. You never know who you are dealing with on the other side of that IM… so man-up and keep your sense of humor. Don’t let them get to you. Remain bigger than the net. Remain human. Laugh at them. Laugh at yourself.

Always keep this in mind: People who go ape shit over nothing on the internet do not get laid. EVER. So don't go ape shit. EVER.

Well… that’s all I have for now. We’ll probably revisit this. But ten is all I have in me today.

Besides, I need to check my email. This guy promised to send me pics of himself if I sent my pics to him first...

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