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2009/05/01

The All-Purpose Slut/Sex Kit: For Homos on the Go!

I never used to have a sex kit. I thought those that did were hard core sluts. I’ve changed my mind about that (since I am a sort of slut myself).

First of all, there is the convenience factor. It’s nice to have the right stuff on hand. Secondly, it appeals to the boy scout in me: be prepared, because you never know… Thirdly, there is the matter of hygiene: cleanliness is next to godliness (it also helps improve your chances of getting laid). Yes, I know there are those of you who like a skanky, smelly body, but you’re a minority. The majority want nice, clean fun; which is what my sex kit is all about.

In a discreet pocket of your computer bag / brief case:

Condoms: Two Sizes
Lube
Blindfold
Poppers
Cockrings

In a less discreet pocket of your computer bag /brief case:

Wet Wipes
Toothbrush
Travel Size Toothpaste
Listerine
Breath Mints / Listerine Spray
Hand Sanitizer
Tylenol
Fingernail Clipper
Chap Stick
Band Aids / First Aid Antibiotic
Small Pad of Paper / Pen
Black Sharpie
A Baseball Cap/Sunglasses
Quarters
Water in a Plastic Bottle
Sun Block (in summer)

In the trunk of your car keep:

A Pair of Jeans
A Pair of Tennis Shoes / Hiking Boots
A T-Shirt
A Sweatshirt (long sleeve)
A Pair of Underwear
A Pair of Socks
A Light Jacket or Hoodie
A Blanket
Extra Water in Plastic Bottles
A Towel
A Wash Cloth

Okay, I’ll explain the reason for these items in a moment.

But first: A Hard And Fast Rule About You and Outdoor Sex:

I believe in the old camping adage: You take with you what you brought in. Leave no trace behind. That means: pick up after yourself. Don’t leave wet wipes, condoms, condom wrappers, old popper bottles, etc. behind. It’s littering, which is never cool. It also invites the wrath of Mother Nature (she don’t like it). It also calls attention to the activities that take place in a given area which invites the attention of law enforcement and overly-concerned, prudish citizens (Yes, won’t somebody think of the children?). Be a good sport and pick up after yourself. Dispose of your trash appropriately. Otherwise… you’re a douche bag.

Okay, off my soap box. Now onto the countdown… uh, list of items.

Keep these items in a discreet place:

Condoms: Two Sizes
Yes, two sizes: regular and those for the big boys. Yes, condoms, because they make for easy clean up, are hygienic and help reduce your chances of catching an STD. Yes, condoms. Say yes to condoms.

Lube
I like small bottles for in-house use. Once you find a small bottle you like, just use it as a refill bottle. That way you can buy the larger amounts at a cheaper cost and still have the convenience of the small bottle.

For outdoor use the little individual, single use are nice, because they fit in your pocket and not so nice, because the create waste (excess packaging) and you usually need more lube than a single packet contains.

Along the same lines, I like to keep a bottle of baby oil gel with me. I use this to prep my hole for douching. It also makes for kick ass mutual JO sauce. It smells nice, too.

Blindfold
This of course is totally optional. I like to carry a 3 inch strip of white terry cloth. I cut it / tore it from a gym towel. It is soft and washable and ties easily around the head. It’s convenient and stores nice. Some people prefer sleep masks. Whatever works.

Poppers
Optional. I like them. I probably always will. I’ve written before about my concerns about popper use, but until my fears are affirmed I will continue to use them. I buy the small bottles. They tend to get old fast, but the size is a matter of convenience: easy to carry and conceal. I worry about the day a cop stops and asks to see what is in my pocket. Other than for sex, why would you carry the things? Will they confiscate them? Will they order me to leave the park? Yes and yes. Is it illegal? No. I always carry to bottles with me. Because you never know.

Cockrings
Optional. I like them. I like the rubber rings. They’re fun and easy to conceal and carry. Don’t wear them hiking for long periods of time, though. They chafe.

You can carry these items in the open. Their presence in your computer bag / brief case will just make you seem like a hygienic person:

Wet Wipes
I like two kinds. I like diaper wipes. I like Kleenex wet wipes. A package is only a buck, but there is the issue of portability. They will add a lot of bulge to your pockets, so the individual use ones become the wise choice for the outdoor enthusiast. As with the lube, individual packets of wipes create waste (excess packaging) and you usually need more than a single packet. Yes, sad truth is, outdoor sex can be messy.

I still bring along the larger wipes. That’s for clean-up after the fact. Popping into the porta potty for a good wipe down is always a good idea. You can do this to a lesser extent seated in your car. I just think a good wipe down is important. Killing germs is a good idea. Oddly enough, I like Lysol brand 4 in 1’s. I know they are meant for kitchen counters… but I like the tube the come in, their size and the texture/material they are made out of.

Toothbrush
Makes sense. You eat during the day. You drink coffee. To make your mouth appealing and smile clean, you will need to brush. Use toothpaste or the Listerine. Both make for good hygiene. And brush your tongue! It should be an appealing pink/red, not coated with dairy products.

Travel Size Toothpaste
See above. I suggest travel size for the convenience: it takes up less room in your bag.

Listerine
Why Listerine? Because it really works. Don’t mess with those fancy kinds – orange, mint, etc. Screw that. Get down to basics. You want it to work. It will help keep you healthy and STD free. Remember, don’t just rinse your mouth – also gargle. Get it deep down your throat (especially if you’ve swallowed and/or are planning on hunting for more). Don’t swallow it though (the Listerine, I mean). It will give you acid tummy. As for my claims re: the prevention of STDs: I don’t know for a fact that this is true. I consider Listerine the cocksuckers holy water; Does it do any good? Who knows, but it will make you feel better.

It will also give you pleasant, all-be-it, medicine-y breath. But I will take that over cigarette, day-old-garlic, or fish breath.

Listerine frequently offers a small bottle if you purchase a large bottle. Hang on to that small bottle and use it as refill bottle. They travel great and the caps really lock tight. And make sure you lock it tight, otherwise… oh, man… what a mess. And the smell. Yeah, make sure you lock it tight.

Breath Mints / Listerine Spray
I don’t like mints much. They tend to coat the tongue. I like a clean tongue. The Listerine Spray is nice. It comes in these little plastic pumps. With each pump you get a blast of intense flavor (kind of like Binaca Blast of old). I like the mint. I use this when I don’t have time to gargle, am out of gargle, or to cover up the smell of gargle.

Hand Sanitizer
This stuff is basically rubbing alcohol in gel form. It is nice to have. Not so handy to carry.

Tylenol
For those popper hangovers and occasional muscle discomfort.

Fingernail Clipper
Because men should not have long finger nails. And long fingernails leave to scratches. And long finger nails… ick. Clip your nails. I once had a boyfriend who like to keep his nails longer than I thought appropriate. If he had kept his nails clean and trimmed, maybe he would still be my boyfriend. (No… no, he wouldn’t.)

Chap Stick
Dry lips are not attractive and make for bad blow jobs and kisses. Keep your lips healthy.
Band Aids / First Aid Antibiotic
Because you never know.

Small Pad of Paper / Pen
Helpful when exchanging phone numbers, email addresses and/or insurance information. Also handy if you need to write down a license plate number. Because you never know.

Black Sharpie
Works best when leaving messages on restroom and porta-potty walls. I don't condone graffiti, but I do like restroom messages and erotic drawings.

A Baseball Cap / Sunglasses
Because you never know when the local news station is working on a story for sweeps week. Also, in the event of a bad hair day (if you have hair). Also in the event that you have no hair.

Quarters
Parking meters, parking meters, parking meters, vending machines (at rest stops), vending machines (at rest stops), and pay phones. Also keep cash in your billfold and always, always leave your billfold (hidden well) in your locked car. You never know who you may be tricking with... and you should never pay for sex. Nor should money ever be stolen from you. I don't speak from personal experience. I'm just cautious.

Water in a Plastic Bottle
Ummm… this is for thirst, yes. But it can also provide a good douche. Hmmm… that may be a topic for another post. But carry water. In a crunchable, plastic bottle.

Sun Block (in summer)
This is a no-brainer. Plus it enables you to stay outdoors for a longer period of time without risking over exposure.

In the trunk of your car keep:

A Pair of Jeans
A Pair of Tennis Shoes / Hiking Boots
A T-Shirt
A Sweatshirt (long sleeve)
A Pair of Underwear
A Pair of Socks
A Light Jacket or Hoodie

All of these items make sense, yes? Especially if you like to hike in the woods after work and your office insists on business attire. Change in the front seat of your car. It’s why god made slip on dress loafers. Be sure to wash these items from time to time.

A Blanket
In case you want to sunbathe. Or lie in the tall grass (very romantic). Make sure to wash this item from time to time.

Extra Water in Plastic Bottles
See above.

A Towel
A Wash Clothe

Because wet wipes can really do only so much. And nothing beats a nice wet wash clothe. And… you never know. In the event someone runs off with your clothes, you can wear the towel home. Be sure to wash these items from time to time.


Well, that covers it. If you have any other suggestions for the list, let me know. Happy to add them and I would love additional pointers. A slut is never to old to turn new tricks… umm… I mean, learn new tricks.

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