I used to believe that karma had a lot to do with the quality of fucks that might cross your pathway. You had to play nicely with others in order to play at all. I guess I still believe that.
I also believed that what you put out there comes back to you. And that by doing good deeds, you invite goodness into your life.
That’s why I make an effort to not be rude. I don’t go off on people. On rare occasions I have had to be very direct with people – forcefully removing their hands from my person or asking them to stop following me. Actually, with the stop following me thing, I usually figure out a way to avoid or evade – I will go way out of my way, in fact – to the point of leaving the scene – in order to circumvent someone from hounding me. Some people can’t take a hint and that is just part of the game that is cruising. But don't scream, I don't make scenes. I don't call people on their shit. I don't like drama. For a lot of people it's a turn off... and there are enough things about me that turn people off as is... so I don't need to add to the pile.
Part of playing nice with others also has to do with making everyone who wants to be part of the game feel a part of the game. I have guys whom I will have a conversation with in the cruising field, but am really not that into. This is a new development for me, as I have purposely chosen to not be all that social in the past. Part of me doesn’t want to get over-involved with the type of people who cruise, but I also know that some feel this is a community that needs to be recognized by those who take part in its rituals. For some reason I have taken it upon myself to be more social this year. So I will talk to almost anyone who is cruising about in the same area I’m operating in. For one thing… you learn things – about the people who cruise and about issues of safety, like undercover cops or psychopaths to avoid and what is the best brand of lube to bring with you when in the field.
I have also chosen to give the occasional blow job, receive the occasional blow job, throw the occasional fuck or occasionally get fucked by men who, for one reason or another, fail to float my boat. Sometimes it’s out of desperation. Sometimes it is out of kindness or generousity. In these instances it is usually with someone who has doggedly pursued me in the past or someone who has yet to take a hint in the present. My own level of horniness and needs come into play in some instances and I just give into the moment. When cruising in public places, I know a mercy fuck well before it begins.
Those internet hook-ups that end up turning into mercy fucks, on the other hand? Those you kind of stumble into…kind of. They’re not really that much different than those that occur when cruising in public places, but with the cruising kind, you know ahead of time what you’re getting. Sometimes people on-line are less than honest when representing their physical attributes or what it is they are interested in doing sexually. In those instances it sometimes becomes a case of – 'well, I’m already here, so let’s do this thing'. Sometimes. There are exceptions. Again, my own level of horniness and desperation come into play. But I am much more likely to just walk away when deceived by someone on-line.
One guy, I went so far as to get naked with and began to make out with before I decided that I couldn’t go through with it. Not only was he not what he had me believe, but he was also one of the worst kissers I had ever met. He misrepresented his sexual activity interests and his hygiene (due to excessive cigarette smoking) was less than acceptable. I finally pulled his face off of my own and asked him if he smoked cigarettes. Of course I already knew the answer – his home reeked of it and so did he. I told him that I couldn’t continue because I was horribly allergic to nicotine (which is sort of true in some ultra-sensitive dimension) and that if we continued his saliva would cause me to break out in hives and my throat would close up (that would be a first). I told him I had to go home and shower immediately. He bought it. Lying is not a good thing, but sparing someone’s feelings – I think that qualifies as a lesser evil. Am I a bit of an ass for doing it? Probably. I can live with that.
When cruising in a public place I am much more inclined to give into the mercy fuck. Cruising is hard work... you have to be cagey, on your toes, hyper-aware of your surroundings, all te while demonstrating just the right degree of aggressiveness. There are also those occasions when there just aren’t that many dudes looking for what you’re looking to do, or worse – just not that many dudes. Sometimes I am approached by someone who does nothing for me; physically they have let themselves go, they are grossly overweight, they are overly effeminate, they possess a fashionista sense of entitlement (snobs) or their behavior is worrisome (overly aggressive, obnoxious, can’t take a hint). If nothing else is in the cards, or it's time for me to go home, or just because I’m feeling generous and giving – I will play with them. Either I cum or they do… but somebody gets their cookies and it makes the other person happy. In my book – that is a mercy fuck.
In cases like these, there is a little voice inside my head that tells me, “Go on, do it. You’ll score points in heaven.” In other words… by putting out and giving a little something to someone I would normally pass on, maybe I get credit towards running into someone who really floats my boat – OR – is way out of my league and will play with me anyway. I realize that for those who fuck around with me that are way out of my league, I may very well be a mercy fuck for them (in other words: shoe on other foot). See, I know I am not all that. I do not win big all the time every time. Some people do not find me attractive in the least. I get that. Part of me would prefer that they not fuck around with me at all (especially those who start something up and THEN tell me they are not that into me and “have to go now’” – (What? You mean, like, to the bathroom?). Those guys are hard on the self-esteem, and deep down inside, I think they know this and that is part of their game. By making someone else feel like a fool or bad about themselves, they feel superior – which is absolute bullshit, but it happens. There are lots of different twists among the truly twisted.
So basically… life is a round table; what you put out on it eventually comes back around. So you better serve up something hot and tasty, even if the guy you’re handing it too is not the sort of table companion you had in mind.
I used to believe that. But I don’t anymore.
I have anger issues. I have self-esteem issues. I am a horribly flawed piece of man meat.
But then so are those guys who I term my mercy fucks.
They are flawed – in my eyes. That doesn’t mean I don’t owe them a good time.
But what if I don’t want to? Is okay to just say no?
And lately, I have. More and more. Because whether I give that rather unattractive fifty-something with the bad comb-over a blow job or not is really not going to impact my chances of running into that super attractive thirty something who is really into me and can kiss like nobody’s business.
I also know that to have sex with people that I am really not that into is a sign of sex addiction. And while I love having sex, I don’t want to be a sex addict (although some would say I crossed that line a long time ago).
So I’m trying to develop some standards.
Of course, when I’m hooking up with people who don’t send pics and whom I meet once they walk into the room with me naked and on all fours wearing a blindfold – then it’s a little harder to develop any standards (or to lay claim to having some). Still, I enjoy totally anonymous sex. Maybe the lack of adherence to standards is a part of why enjoy doing it (I still ask for stats, but people lie, oh, they lie).
In the field… when cruising in public or when hooking up on the net the old-fashioned way via a chat room with pics and profiles (when did that become the old-fashioned way?) – I am sticking more and more to my standards.
But then again… I will try (almost) anything once – and that may extend to people, too.
Perhaps my claim to having standards is just another case of magical thinking on my part. Just because I want to believe I have standards, doesn’t make it so. And just because I want to believe I am not a sex addict… ?
Well, you can draw your own conclusion.