In the past few days I have done a few things that I feel good about:
- went in for a full STD screen
- talked to my doctor about my many sexual activities
- went on-line and altered all my hook-up site profiles
- resigned from all those yahoo picture sites that sent me wonderful sexy photos every morning
The changing of the hook-up site profiles is quite significant. I erased everything remotely sexual, including certain stats and preferences. I replaced all my pictures with a recent one of me in a nice, tight fitting, long-sleeved black shirt and a black cap – featuring me from the waist up and including a clear shot of my face.
My profiles now all read:
This item no longer available.
Please see catalogue for similar items.
Be good to yourself.
Be better to others.
And so, life changes. I morph into something different. The timing is odd, but I was thinking that maybe the delay of summer has been a good thing. It gave me time to make the changes necessary. I am already mourning my days at the prairie… but there comes a time (and an age) when a player needs to leave the field.
And this is mine.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with all my free time, but I am already negotiating what I can do and can’t do. I am going to refrain from sexual activity for a little while, just to make sure that it’s not that big of a deal to do so – as a means of proving to myself that I’m not a sexual addict. In the meantime I will try to figure out what kind of sexual contact would be okay for me. I’m through with the type that leaves me feeling damaged and less of a person. Satisfying an itch is no longer enough of a motivation or justification. A real relationship is out of the question, so it’s not that I want more intimacy in my life. If anything, I want to push people further away.
So, does this all mean that I have to give up sunning myself at the prairie? Honest answer: yes. I shouldn’t even go to those places where I know sexual activity takes place. I’m too much of a pushover to say ‘no’ consistently. I also plan on staying off those hook-up sites long enough for people to actually miss me. Really, I can’t go back to any of my usual haunts until I have determined for myself what kind of sex works for me at this point in my life. The warehouse? Definitely off limits.
And this blog? What does it become? Not sure. I might continue the Acquired Taste series, picking up where I left off – but only if I’m excited about it.
And that’s at the core of this recent change, folks. When it comes to sex, I just haven’t felt very excited about it.
So, I’m going to concentrate on the following:
- Decluttering my life – cleaning out my house – donating stuff I don’t need
- Walking the dogs
- Double up my efforts on an off-line writing project I have been working on for about 10 weeks
- Working out
- Mowing lawns
- Ironing clothes
- Playing guitar
And masturbating. Something tells me that will come into play again sometime soon.
As I was shaving this morning I came to the following conclusion:
Men are like razor blades – by the time you get truly comfortable with them and trust them, they’re too dull to do the job.