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My Sexual Circuit Breaker Has Been Tripped!

I feel like a switch in my sexual circuit breaker has been tripped.  My sudden disinterest in hooking-up with others kind of astounds me.  I’m still spending significant amounts of time on-line, mostly on Grndr and Scruff, but I am chatting and not necessarily about things sexual in nature. 

Since I made a conscience decision a few months ago to curtail the number of sexual encounters I partake in each month, with a desire to put the emphasis on quality – not quantity, it has really given me an opportunity to look more closely at my choices.  This breathing room has actually allowed me time to consider the possible ramifications of my actions and weigh the value of a given scenario.  I find, more often than not, that ‘I just don’t wanna.’  And these are quality guys we’re talking about.  Some I have actually played with in the past, but I just can’t bring myself to say ‘yes’.  So I make up excuses.
There is this really hot Asian dude that has been very persistent.  We hit it about two months ago.  He is handsome and has a dancer’s body, very compact and muscular.  He’s ten years my junior, a good foot shorter than me, and rather sexy. There was no kissing involved – and that may be at the root of my reluctance to see him again – but he throws a hell of a fuck.  I actually enjoyed sucking his dick and when it went anal, he had me on all fours, on the floor, in front of this mirror as he was pile-driving my hole.  He tapped me with such force that he literally fucked the cum right out of me.  We came at the same time, which also made it super hot. 
So why do I keep putting him off?  He’s hit on my numerous times since and a few of those times I had nothing going on and could have met him.  Instead, I chose to sit in my car,  at this I frequent, flagging ads on Craigslist (an odd hobby of mine, of late). 
Maybe it has something to do with the way he talks to me via his texts.  He’s very demanding, very assuming.  Perhaps that’s a cultural thing, but I find it a tad off-putting.  Don’t get me wrong – I like a good dom and like it when my top takes control, but, that said, disrespect is not sexy and I do feel devalued when I read his texts. 
Then there is the matter of kissing, or rather, not kissing in this case.  Lately, I yearn for some real intimacy, not just scenes of the “spread-‘em-and-fuck-‘em” variety.  This desire began after an exceptional encounter with a very nice, quiet, handsome black man who lives in the northern suburbs.  He hit on me out of the blue on Grndr – one of those profiles with a scenic pic that tells you nothing about the dude.  My shot is just my torso, so I’m always amazed when someone chats me up.  Anyway, he cut right to the chase, asking me if I wanted to get fucked.  I was actually all prepared for just that and said yes.  He sent me a face picture (handsome) and a dick pic (sizable).  I sent him my pics and we were a go. 
I get to his place and find myself feeling really nervous.  He’s younger than me (who isn’t), and very handsome.  Handsome people make me nervous – the possibility of rejection is always very real when dealing with someone out of your league, and based on this dude’s pic, I’m pretty sure he’s way out of mine.  But he wants to fuck me and who am I to refuse?  He opens the door.  He’s taller than I am (always a turn on) and, yep, handsome as hell (way out of my league).  He’s wearing sweats and a t-shirt and I can also tell he has a great body – wide shoulders, great pecs, small waist, long legs.  In light of all this, my nervousness level skyrockets.  His demeanor is cool and distant – which causes me to believe that there is a very real possibility that he’s not okay with what he sees.  That turns out to not be the case.  He’s simply a very reserved, masculine man.  In other words, hella sexy.
We go to his bedroom (always a good sign when hooking up – if they want to fuck you on their bed or even a guest bedroom bed, it indicates a desire for intimacy).  I strip for him and he lowers the waist band of his sweats.  Nine, hard, thick inches present themselves and I am about to drop to my knees in order to get busy, when his hand reaches around me, pushing on the small of my back, and pulling me toward him.  We kiss.  And I… melt. 
We spend the first ten minutes just exploring each other.  He has a full head of close cropped hair.  His eyes are penetrating.  He’s a great fucking kisser.  Soon the t-shirt is off.  The sweats fall to his ankles.  My hands are on his neck, his shoulders, the back of his head.  I want to consume this dude – commit all of him to permanent memory.  Our dicks are pressed against one another.  We cup each other’s asses and do some bumping and grinding. 
Finally, I can’t help myself anymore.  I drop to my knees and miraculously manage to swallow all nine inches in one fell swoop.  He’s kind of amazed too, and tells me as much.  Due to his length and thickness, something tells me he has not been with many dudes who can manage this without scraping him with their teeth.  I work his dick for a good ten minutes, paying attention to his beautiful ball sac in the process.  The dude’s hygiene is impeccable, but given that, there is a wonderful musk around his scrotum that I find to be better than poppers.  It’s definitely a black thing and a super sexy one at that.  There is something spicy, exotic, and deep to the aroma.  I just love it.
The dude then orders me onto the bed.  We begin with me on all fours in the center of the bed and him kneeling on the bed behind me.  He enters slowly – real slowly, and that has me absolutely melting inside.  There is something really sweet about his fucking.  We kiss a lot.  After a bit he moves me onto my back and things continue to pick up steam.  He teases my hole a lot, pulling all the way out and guiding it back in.  Eventually we establish some kind of synergy, with me fucking up on his dick as he’s pushing forward.  He likes it.  There is a lot more kissing.  Eventually he delivers the money shot and then encourages me to shoot my load.  Romantic?  Maybe.  We linger. 
Afterwards, he invites me to use his shower.  He has a really nice place, very clean.  I use his soap.  Now I smell like his body.  I walk back into the bedroom to get dressed and he is lying across the bottom of the bed, still naked, his legs spread.  He beckons me over to him.  I lay on top of him and we kiss some more.  This is the way a hook-up should go down.  It should always be this touching, this bittersweet.
We talk as I dress.  He puts back on his sweats and walks me to the door.  We kiss one last time and I wonder if I will ever see him again.  I get a sense that he is not exactly a rainbow flag waver, but I am cool with discretion. 
I make him a favorite on Grndr (my only one) and wait for him to contact me.  He says hello a few times and then two weeks later we set up a second play date.  He cancels at the last minute and it bums me out to the point where I delete my Grnder profile and don’t go back on for two weeks.  But I do eventually go back on.  A week after my return, he hits on me.  Asks me how I have been and if I would be interested in playing again.  Well, you know the answer to that one.  Fingers crossed. 
Oh – and did I mention that both these encounters involved condoms?  Yeah, for some reason safe sex has become something that really appeals to me again.  Barebacking?  Not at all.  In fact, I cleared my BBRTS profile.  That whole scene really started to rub me the wrong way.  The guys on there are not healthy thinkers.  Most don’t take care of their bodies – which is a real turn off to me of late.  Even my regulars – five dudes that are hot as hell, good-looking, and hung – started to make me feel rather devalued.  They would make plans and cancel at the last minute, or play games.  Which are things that dudes who practice safe sex do, too, but when I weigh the risks involved (STDs) and the quality of the actual sex (brutal, driven, and skanky), and their overall attitude, it simply lost its appeal.  Same goes for the warehouse party scene.
Don’t get me wrong – I still fantasize about being gang banged.  BB porn still turns me on.  I even like the whole language of the scene: breeding, seeding, etc.  But I don’t have the stomach for it.  It is a fantasy that best remains such.  The reality of it (the risks and overall demeanor) doesn’t seem all that sexy to me.  That probably has a lot to do with ‘been there, done that’.  But I can live with that.
So now what?  What does a former-wannabe-slut do for entertainment?
Most nights, after work, I sit in my car in this cruising park I used to suck a lot of dick at and chat on-line, on my phone.  At this park, dudes hit on me all the time, but I just wave hello once and then ignore them.  Even when I am in the mood for a little something, I don’t find myself interested in the ones interested in me.  And if I am interested, it isn’t in delivering the usual front-seat blow job.  The other day, this really nice dude in a green pick-up– an exhibitionist who likes to drive around naked on the highways, pulling up beside big-rig truckers and jerking it for them – pulled up next to me.  I was feeling frisky, so I stripped off all my clothes and showed off for him, going so far as to stick my bare ass out the passenger window of my car in order to display my hard dick for him.  But that is as far as it went. 
Maybe it’s because we are in the middle of winter.  Maybe when summer arrives I’ll be all raring to go again.  Will my resolve melt with the snow?   I doubt it.  I’m in no hurry to flip that breaker switch back to the on position.  The quality bar (along with the safety bar) has been raised.  And, for whatever reason, I now have the patience and desire to wait for something worthwhile to come along before bending over and spreading ‘em. 

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