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TMI Questions: Happy Birthday!

I like to celebrate other people’s birthdays.  I like the idea of everybody growing older as I remain the same age.  Yes, somewhere there is a portrait in an attic…

Sadly, I become rather typically gay-male and something of a stupid, vain old cow when it comes to birthdays and growing older.  There are parts of me that embrace the aging process, just as there are parts of me that foolishly believe they can defy it (look at me, I’m Melanie Griffith!).

I had my last birthday several years ago.  I made everyone in attendance swear that it was the last time they would force me to face my own mortality (the mirror in my bathroom does that quite successfully every fucking morning). 

So, be honest, Sean.  This whole TMI… it’s just your way to find out just how old we all are, am I right?

Fuck you. 

(I kid, I kid.  Unless… you…. like that sort of thing?)

Yes, when it comes to birthdays, I am like Endora on ‘Bewitched’ – utterly humorless (unless it’s at someone else’s expense).

TMI Questions: Happy (fucking) Birthday!

Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information


Do you enjoy celebrating your birthday (forgetting about the getting older part)?

No.  I typically ignore it.  On occasion friends or family will insist on something, which I negotiate down to meeting at a restaurant I like for drinks and dinner.  Being the control freak I can sometimes be, I try to limit the number involved.  Sometimes I’m successful.  Two years ago I was not, and we ended up taking up way too much real estate at a real nice restaurant and I ended up feeling like I didn’t get to talk to anyone (I so rarely see people).  It felt like a wasted opportunity.  Though it was good to see everyone – I just wish it had been under happier circumstances.

That said, I don’t see what there is to celebrate.  Yay?  I’m still here?

Well, depending on one’s point of view, I guess that could be a good thing.

What's your sign and is it accurate?

Aquarius – I am a Valentine’s Day baby!  That is the only part I like about my birthday.  I never had to suffer feeling overlooked on Valentine’s Day, because I get attention whether in a relationship or not – hence, no Valentine’s Day blues for this baby!

Aquarius Traits
The humanitarians of the Zodiac, the Aquarius are inventive and modern individuals. Honest truth-seekers, they are broad-minded and creative people. The new, novel and modern have a magnetic allure in the amiable Aquarius’ world. Friendly, gregarious, candid, the Aquarius are popular people in their circles. No wonder they have innumerable friends! However, the truth is that the Aquarius may have many acquaintances, they may not be really close to anyone in particular. In fact, they may be quite detached and changeable.

Positive Qualities of Aquarians
Veracity, Legitimacy, Investigative spirit, Pleasing personality, Candor and Innovation

Negative Qualities of Aquarius
Inconsistency, Disinclination, Detachment, Tendency to deviate, Inefficiency.

Famous Personalities
Abraham Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Boris Yeltsin, Dick Cheney, Franklin Roosevelt, Michael Jordan, Paris Hilton.

Accurate?  Well… yes.  Yes, I have so much in common with Albert Einstein (sex addiction), Boris Yeltsin (borderline alcoholic), Dick Cheney (delusional, mean asshole), Michael Jordan (rapist) and Paris Hilton (no-talent slut).   Gee… I feel so… special.

I must admit I am a total airhead; easily-distracted, scattered (oooh… shiny object).  I so want to be creative, but fear it’s a muscle that while exercised frequently, has never functioned properly (could be a birth defect, could be due to oxygen deprivation). 

I have met a lot of people who have wanted to be my friend, but I seem incapable. Friendships seem to happen frequently, but not for long.  Also, being a total introvert, I tend to avoid crowds of people… or any people, actually.

The positive/negative traits listed are pretty on the nose, save for that ‘pleasing personality’ part.  But then that depends on how you interpret it; I am eager to please others, however, personality-wise I am a bit of a crabby-patty.  Hand me a boodles martini (up, olives, side of ice) and you will find I become much less so.

What's your Chinese zodiac sign and is it accurate?

Chinese Zodiac Sign: Metal Ox
(Is this whole line of questioning just a way to ‘out’ me, regarding my age?  Sean, fess up.)

The Metal Element allows the Metal Ox to be the most intense, determined and motivated of all the Ox signs. The Metal Ox needs to be engaged in practical pursuits, where it is then possible to display their passion. One must know that the toughness of the Metal Ox should go without question and the same can be said for their loyalty and dependability. More so than any of the other Ox's, the Metal Ox lives life with a foundation of morals and tradition.

(I have never been very practical.  Typically, I resort to such only in light of some catastrophic creative failure – call it my recovery mode.  Determined?  You betcha.  But these days I am more likely to spot the folly-to-come before committing any resources.  Yes, I am sadder, but wiser.  But, really – richer for it.)

(Cah…. Wha?  Huh?  Oh, THAT thing.)

The highly motivated Metal Ox has very few limitations as long as they keep their passion. In this sense, the Metal Ox can pursue any genuine interest they desire. With a strong sense of values and justice, the Metal Ox could do well in politics or law, which as the case for Metal Ox Barack Obama. Similarly, there are been several successful entertainers, among them being George Clooney and Forest Whitaker.

(Very passionate when I want to do something.  However, there are fewer and fewer things (and men) I want to do.  Politics?  Ummm, only if you want a scandal.  And yes, let me entertain you – wink, wink.)

(I like that this comes with a warning!)

At times, the Metal Ox can seem arrogant, but realize that this is a product of their determination turning into impenetrable stubbornness. To overcome this potential downfall, the Metal Ox has to spend time to develop an open mind. In the same sense, the Metal Ox can often be too blunt for most people's taste and should be aware of their ability to offend. Be aware that when the Metal Ox is too committed to their own views, it is not unusual for clashes to occur!

(I have been accused of being intimidating and once, by a passive aggressive manager of being physically intimidating (I can’t see how.), and I am the first to recognize when I am being pig-headed and have therefore come to limit the number of things in this world that I insist upon.  I am blunt (horribly so), and thus, have a tendency to offend.  I love a good debate, so clashing with others is rather second nature for me. I can be horribly contrary, on purpose, just for effect.  The human condition is of great interest to me, so on occasion I will do or say something just to get the balls in motion. Mmmm… human stew.)

Those born under the Metal Ox sign have the added benefit of strengthened lungs and large intestines. Metal Ox's are encouraged to not threaten these vital systems with unhealthy habits.

(I am happy to learn of the vigor of my large intestines – it explains why 300-500 crunches a day seem to have no effect on that part of my body.  I hope my liver is also well fortified.  My lungs, on the other hand, are not what they used to be (one of them is a bit crushed on the bottom).  Was really hoping for some other organ of significant size, but, based on what nature has provided, apparently that was not in the cards – not that I am complaining – it just would have been nice to have one physical characteristic that I could have built a career on.)

What was your best birthday?

Honestly.  Probably that last one at that restaurant with way too many people.  The guest list was a total surprise to me – people I hadn’t seen for years.  The best thing?  My parents were there.  My Dad was still mobile then (he is currently housebound).  Someone took lots of pics and I pretty much stuck to his side the whole evening.  He looks so happy in the photos (and fragile).  So, it was bittersweet.  Fortunately there was plenty of wine to go around.

Nothing compliments bittersweet like alcohol.

What was your worst birthday?

When I was ten my folks insisted we go to these friends of theirs on the night of my birthday – which meant no cake, no special meal for me.  No friends to stay overnight either.  So, I was in a pissy mood and acted up quite a bit, which angered my mother – a force in those days that you did not want to mess with (hormonal imbalance).  I was distraught because no one seemed interested in celebrating my birthday. 

My mom yelled at me the entire way home and once we got in the house gave me the spanking to end all spankings.  Not only did it hurt, but I really felt way too old to be spanked.  So, I was outraged, embarrassed, frustrated, and emotionally hurt.

Then – kaboom – my mom drops all these presents on me; a ton of Hot Wheels related items that I had been dreaming of – and a cake.  I could not believe she had gotten me what I wanted and had found a way to afford to do so.  That said, the whole thrill was tainted by what had preceded it.  It was emotional whiplash.  Here: I will beat your ass. Here: now be joyously happy.  Well, I couldn’t be happy.  It all felt creepy and sad and I hated every bit of it, but didn’t want to hurt her feelings so pretended to be deliriously happy. 

You know the album cover for that Hole album, ‘Live Through This?’  Yeah, that’s how I felt.

And – here’s the thing about all those toys I so loved; they never worked the way they showed them on T.V.   There was always something wrong with them: they wouldn’t stay on the track, they were out of balance, the batteries ran out too fast or wouldn’t hold a charge – always something.  Same goes for those electric race car sets.  I just had no luck with that kind of thing which made for many frustrating disappointments. 

Frustrating disappointments…

…you know, kind of like birthdays.

What has been your best age so far?

The Bronze Age

All that copper.  It was a good thing.

Sure beat the Stone Age. 

Stupid rocks.

You can take those stupid rocks and shove ‘em up your ass.

Birthday cake?

Cake, yes.  I like white cake.  I like some chocolate.  No pink, yellow, or other weirdness though. I like homemade cakes, made from scratch best.

Frosting, no.  Hate frosting.  Though there is a wonderful butter cream made with Wondra flour that I do like, in small doses.  

And what is with commercial bakers and their need to make every cake with a gazillion colors, inedible candy confetti, and in neon colors?  I hate those cakes.  They don’t even qualify as food.

Growing up our cakes were typically those tiny, square Pepperidge Farm cakes from our grocer's freezer.  The frosting was weird, like something that was never food, and the cake had this odd texture and taste, too, because it used to be frozen (or still was – sometimes my Mom would forget to defrost them before serving). I liked the white ones and the ones with coconut on them. Like eating small, sweet pillows.

Bonus Question:
Is birthday sex expected, a present or a rarity? Do you get spanked?

Can’t recall a single time when I got laid on my birthday.   

I always intended to be, but, like Christmas and New Year’s, I always seemed to be between boyfriends.  So, seeking out some strange in all the wrong places, blah, blah, blah – and on Valentine’s Day, no less.  Talk about your recipe for failure.  What else can you expect, but severe disappointment?  Of course, when desperate and in bar mode, I tend to drink - not an attractive combination, trust me. 

I wish I wasn’t such a transparent goon, but… eh, it could be worse. Better to scare them away than have them wake up remorseful the next morning (maybe that’s why I never actually ‘sleep’ with my tricks anymore).

As for spanking: I do get spanked. 

But never on my birthday. 

As a matter of fact, there is currently an ‘older coach-type’ that wants to warm his hands on my backside.  I’m waiting to see a pic before committing.  I’ve been around long enough to know what ‘older coach-type’ is code for.  You know… an older, softer version of ‘football player build’ – wink, wink.

I don’t mind a good spanking at all.  Within limits.

OTK only.  No props!

(And afterwards, if you’re good, I’ll let you cover my cakes in your personal frosting.)

All right… blow out your candles, Laura.  

(Thanks, Sean!)

'Happy Birthday' - The Ramones

'Yer Birthday' - The Beatles

'Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy' - Ren and Stimpy

'New Happy Birthday Song' - NOFX

'Happy Fuckin' Birthday' - Vaginal Discharge

'Happy Fucking Birthday' - Combichrist

'Happy Birthday!'


Queer Heaven said...

What a wonderful post! So funny and yet kinda true!

mistress maddie said...

Oh how I have missed you handsome! I am a lot like you when it comes to birthdays, I like others to have a good time. When it comes to me I don't need a big deal. But I don't really mind getting older has long as Im still have sex and look younger than I am.

Do you enjoy celebrating your birthday (forgetting about the getting older part)? Yes as long as no fuss in being made.

What's your sign and is it accurate? Scorpio and it's its extremely accurate and I'll leave it there ;>

What's your Chinese zodiac sign and is it accurate The Rooster and yes it's accurate.

What was your best birthday? When I turned 25, my friends took me to out local gay bar for a male reveue and paid one of them to give me a private lap dance!!! Well we hit it off, hung out all night, and I joined him with three of his other "stripper boys" for breakfast and then to there room for one hell of a hot fivesome!!!

What was your worst birthday? I don't really recall one...yet...unless a surprise party is thrown, then I'll just die.

What has been your best age so far? I think I have really enjoyed them all, but of late I really enjoying my late 30's.

Birthday cake? No. I very seldom enjoy sweets. But salty or chesse then look out!

Is birthday sex expected, a present or a rarity? Do you get spanked? I think you probably know the answer already!

O!Daddie now at said...

First - I am SO glad you are back!!

So, is it possible that my birthday aversion and associated annual depression have something to do with the fact that during the formative years of my life, I was raised? (held captive) by a manic-depressive psycho-bitch from Hell and her consort??

In all honesty, I have never made that particular association but it does explain a lot. Thank you for the insight - seriously-

SEAN (The Jeep Guy) said...

It's funny because it's true! Were our answers can be similar they are. And yes, I am a mathematical genius and by answering my not so cleverly disguised questions I am able to determine your age with I will then threaten to post on the web for all the world to see unless you give in to my demands.

whkattk said...

Well, I was FINALLY able to get your blog to open. (Damn internet providers!)

Anyway, you are QUITE creative - your posts prove that. I've got a friend(?) who is an Aquarian and fits the description to the proverbial 'T.' If you were to ask her how many friends she has, she'd say "quite a few" when the reality is "none," mainly because she doesn't know HOW to be a real friend. Sad, but true. Yet, I accept her with all her friendship flaws because deep down, under all the crabby bluster and the 'fuck you' attitude, she's a bright, intelligent, and creative person who really does care - she just doesn't know how to show it. :-)