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TMI Questions: The War On Christmas, 2013

Oh, dear… it is that time of year.  Again?

To tell the truth – more than any other year, this one doesn’t feel like it. I see the seasonal décor everywhere, but it means very little to me this year.  I think it’s because everything I have planned on and done for the past seventeen years got tossed up into the air.  Whether it lands anywhere?  I guess we’ll see, but I’m not holding my breath.

Like many, the holidays are always bittersweet for me. Childhood memories battle with present realities.  I remember being so damn excited as a kid. But now it all feels as artificial and false as a celebrity-filled awards show.

I guess once I learned that Santa was not real, the blinders came off, and I have been suspicious of this season ever since.

Still… I do appreciate all the good people do for others this time of year.  That warms the heart… even if some of them are doing it for the publicity or to make up for all the shitty things they did the rest of the year. 

I like to light candles this time of year.  The simplicity of that flame burning in the dark?  That pretty much sums up the meaning of Christmas for me.

Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information


TMI Questions: The War On Christmas 2013

Which religion or faith do you belong to, if any?

Good question.  I am going to go with none of the above.  I am a practicing Catholic, but also a recovering Catholic.  I keep going to church because it’s an opportunity to sing with others that requires no rehearsal time.  I also like the general direction that the church is headed these days (Yay: New Pope, Boo: Mr. Nienstedt – you are not my archbishop, sir). 

But, ultimately I am either an agnostic or an atheist.  And I am getting comfortable with that idea.  I’ve always wanted to be a realist.  I’ve always strived to rid myself of magical thinking – which is what I believe most religion is at its core.  From what I have experienced it is all about money, control, and power – with unhealthy doses of narcissism, fear, shame, and very public expressions of some very strange kinks (which is what I believe homophobia to all about – it’s a kink – Mr. Nienstedt?  You is one kinky bastard!).

I have faith in the universe.

I have faith in the power of love.

I believe in the good of people. 

So many have lost sight of what is good and simple.  I think of people who want and need, but do not really want or need anything and feel sad.  They are greedy and selfish.  The media celebrates these people and tells us these folks are accomplished individuals, but… they are merely cogs in a shit machine.

I believe in happiness.

…and not long ago there was a time when I never thought I would ever feel that way in a million years.

I am one lucky schmuck.

What is your opinion of Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays?

Who cares? They are merely words.  It’s the intent of the individual speaking that matters.  If you say ‘Happy Holidays’ because you are being a politically correct bully? Then piss on you.  If you are wishing me a ‘Merry Christmas’ because you feel that you have God on your side and that other interpretations of the holiday season are ‘wrong’? Then shove a lump of coal up your poop shoot, you self-righteous thug.

But if you wish people either of those things and truly mean it, as in, you understand what a special, forgiving, gentle, and loving time of year this can be?

Then say whatever you want.

Mary Chris Moose to you, too.

Holiday music on the radio? When and how much?

A little goes a long way.  After a point it makes me feel like I have rats gnawing at the inside of my skull.

I like it (Xmas music, not rats).  It makes me sad.  It makes me think of pitiful shopping malls and unsold toys that sit on shelves without the hope of every having a home.

When I was a stupid little kid, I once stood inside a Wallgreens bawling my eyes out on Christmas Eve because of all the toys that were sitting on the shelves that nobody wanted. I couldn’t imagine how sad those toys would feel once that aluminum gate was brought down and the lights went out. My heart went out to them.

It also makes me think of this one Christmas album that had an illustration of a roaring fire, a trimmed tree, and Santa leaving presents on its cover. I loved that album.  It had a bunch of songs I have never heard anywhere else.  There was one that went…

“Ho, ho, ho, it’s Christmas
Happy, happy Christmas
Time to put the stockings up
Time to trim the tree
Time to something – something - something
For the whole wide world to see”

My mother did not want it and threw it out.  I rescued it and played it on this moldy old 1940’s phonograph in the basement.  I would play it all year long.  We had one of those giant octopus furnaces with the door that opened and you could see the flame.  I would pretend that was a fire place and decorate the furnace and surrounding area with discarded and homemade holiday decorations.  I’d also wrap up old toys in pieces of cloth and pretend they were presents. I would even do this in July!

Yeah…I was one fucked up kid.

Big surprise.

When do you start decorating? Do you?

I have a tiny plastic tree I pull out of a garbage bag shortly after Thanksgiving.  I plop it somewhere and plug it in.  I will take the time to straighten branches and move around the tiny ornaments so that it looks less like something someone found in the garbage, but that is the extent of my decorating these days.

I have always been about historical family-related ornaments and things from my childhood – like the cardboard crèche with the figures I used to pretend were paper dolls.  I would make up stories about them and put them in the wrong places in the manger scene. I would play with that thing for hours, as a kid – adding my Hot Wheels and having Action Jackson and Billy Blast-Off make ‘Special Guest Star’ appearances.  

Now?  Those things stay in their boxes. 

It’s comfort enough simply to know they exist.

White lights or multi colored?


Then, if I leave the tree out until Easter, there’s some pink and green and yellow in there and I can pass it off as an Easter tree. 

Gift cards, cash or actually shopped-for presents?

I will happily accept any and all. 

Send care of:  uptonking @hotmail .com

And don’t feel the need to hold back or be modest.  Gratuitous demonstrations of affection are always welcome.

Thank you.

Oh.  You meant giving presents.  Pre-paid debit cards are something I specialize in.  I used to shop for stuff, but decided a few years ago to stop purchasing future landfill fodder. 

Giving people things they don’t want/don’t need?  Eh.

Christmas cards and or family update letters are...

Cards are cool. 

I like ones that feature Winnie the Pooh.  I also think Ren and Stimpy should come out with a line of holiday greeting cards.

Family update letters are the snail mail equivalent of Facebook pages.  In other words…

…fuck that shit.

I don’t need to know about every time one of your progeny makes a scholastic poopie.  Or where your precious family spent its vacation this year.  Or how much meth you are currently making in that trailer you have hidden in the woods.

That information is only of interest to… you.

The only thing worse than those letters?  Supposedly ‘clever’ family photos masquerading as holiday greetings.  Though I do enjoy drawing things on the photos with magic markers.  Mostly penises and mustaches and the occasional goofy glasses or crossed eyes.

Yeah, keep ‘em coming folks.

Snow is...

…for shoveling? 

I am already, after only three snowfalls, sick and tired of winter.

Shoveling snow seems so futile, like Sisyphus pushing that boulder up that hill. It never fails to piss me off.

Have you been a good little boy or girl this year?

I have been a… better man.  Since 10/26/13.  Okay, maybe only since 11/6/13, but the roots were planted back on 10/26. 

I can actually stand to be in the same room as myself again.  And the level of crazy anxiety has decreased measurably, though I still have my moments. 

Before 10/26?  Ummm… bad?  Or maybe misguided/crazy would be more appropriate.

Life without the crazy?  Pretty sweet.

Rapid Fire Favorites:


Year old popcorn balls wrapped in green cellophane which accidentally got packed away with the decorations the year before.

Soaked in Boodles Gin, they are delicious.

(I actually like mashed potatoes the best.)


A tub of Cool Whip with a side of inedible cookie decorations – like those little silver balls that you bust your teeth on (what the hell are those things?).

(No, actually, I like a nice piece of plain pumpkin pie, but only if the crust is on the crisp side.  I love the crust.)


Pasteurized, homogenized, Kemps Egg Nog.  It’s like drinking latex paint mixed with formaldehyde.   Coats the throat so that even the largest glide with ease!

(No, I actually prefer a Boodles Gin martini, up, olives, side of ice; the perfect companion for any and all holidays – and in cases where family members are gathered, a requirement.)

Holiday Movie:

A Christmas Carol with Alastair Sim.

No, really.  The original is the best.  Although there is an animated version where I like thing one and thing two that live under Christmas Present’s robe; they are hella scary.

I also love the original animated version of ‘The Grinch’ featuring the voice of Boris Karloff.  Love that little dog.

Least favorite?  A tie between Jim Carey’s stupid Grinch movie and Seth MacFarlane’s ill-advised ‘Family Guy’ two-part Christmas special featuring in-bred elves, vomiting Santa, and carnivorous reindeer.  Oh, and let’s not forget Stewie and Brian’s home invasion where they slaughter an entire family only to learn that they got the wrong house.  Yeah. 

What Seth does to Christmas makes what Jim Carey did to the memory of ‘The Grinch’ almost palatable.

Holiday Music:

Favorite Song: Each Winter As The Year Grows Older

Favorite Holiday CD: Charlie Brown Christmas (Vince Guaraldi)

Holiday Tradition:

Recently it had been wrapping the holiday presents at this giant nursing home in St. Paul.  It was so much fun.  Hundreds of presents. 

Each year there would be one resident who would keep sneaking in and taking things she wanted – like a puzzle, or a pair of slippers.  It became a game with those of us wrapping.  We’d just keep wrapping away as our eyes followed her around the room.  It was rather sweet and very innocent. It also demonstrates just how much getting a present at Christmas means to the elderly.  So, please don’t forget them this year.

Last year we made ornaments and door hangings with them.  It was sort of a craft thing.  One lady ate a whole package of googley eyes before I could stop her.  I decided not to tell the woman in charge.  So all our Christmas Mice door knob warmers ended up with  hot glued raisins for eyes.

For the past seventeen years I have watched ‘A Christmas Carol’ with Alastair Sim with my business partner, so I am betting we will find time to do that again.

In my youth, my siblings and I would go door-to-door caroling.  I miss that.  It was an opportunity to try out weird harmonies and sing really, really loud. 

Last year I realized that I’d never written a holiday song, so I started one.  It is actually finished, but I need to fine tune it – I will probably finish it this season.

Bonus: Christmas Sex

What have you done under the mistletoe?

Kissed a boy (or two, or three, or…)

Have you caught daddy kissing Santa Claus?

No.  And good thing.  With my childhood I was scarred enough

Have you done it in a Santa suit?

I actually played Santa at a mall one year when I was in my 20’s.  I jerked off in that suit to be sure.

Only one really creepy thing happened as Santa.  Some dude followed me into the mens room so he could check out my goods.  Normally I appreciate that sort of thing, but hey, Santa is sacred.  Don’t be peeking at his junk!

Did you come down the chimney?

Fuck, yeah.  When I used to top, I spermed my share of chutes.  I rather miss those days.  More recently, for nostalgia’s sake, at the warehouse party or in the woods, I would, on occasion, blast one into a needy, greedy bottom who was hot for my form and begging for it. 

But, no more barebacking for this guy.  I’ve retired from the field (hopefully once and for all), setting my sights on something much more rewarding – a simple life, the kind I always imagined. Fingers crossed.

Just how merry have you made Santa's helpers?

As I may have mentioned on this blog, I was once a mall elf, too.  I worked solo, before Santa arrived and had a little toy shop full of mechanical elves.  There was a show I had to do every hour and I even had my own color book.  As the elf, I did a series of commercials, receiving the weirdest fan mail of my torpedo of a career.  Apparently ‘Spock’ ears bring ‘em out of the woodwork.

While I jerked off getting ready a plenty (usually in the garage/storage space adjacent to the mall office – those green tights got me going), no one actually sexually attacked this elf. 

I did get some very strange propositions in that toy shop, though.

Thanks for the great questions, Sean!

Wonderland Burlesque would like to take this opportunity to wish you and yours: a very Mary Chris Moose!

Hoppy Hollandaise!

Hippy Nude Queer!


Stan said...

I never thought about the unsold toys on after Christmas. How sad.
I have to say being "good" all year never got me anywhere, anything or anyone.

whkattk said...

Never really enjoyed Christmas as a kid - got clothes for the most part. So, as an adult, it's a tedious time for me.

LOL! I too am a 'recovering Catholic' - but, if anyone wants to say Merry Christmas I'm good with it. That Happy Holidays stuff just means we've all become waaaaay too sensitive.

Anonymous said...


mistress maddie said...

Well here it is Christmas. I prefer Happy Holidays myself covers the holidays as one. I have since stopped shopping. One gift for my mother and the tricks and fwb's get a long good fuck. I love decorating and usually put it up the first weekend in December. To me anymore the holidays are about having some libations and spending time with friends and family and giving homemade goodies in lieu of gifts. I'll spread my joy for you too!!!!

O!Daddie now at said...

I love all your 'presents' what an amazing assortment - truly something for every taste and predilection.