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2014/09/15

Wonderland Burlesque's Turdscooter of the Week: Illinois Family Institute's Laurie Higgins


Wonderland Burlesque's 
Turdscooter of the Week: 
Illinois Family Institute's Laurie Higgins

I must confess… I am still trying to wrap my head around this one. 

Maybe it’s because it’s Monday, or maybe my brain simply refuses to try and empathetically align itself with the twisted thinking and frighteningly homophobic synapses that fire in the bleach blonde noggin of one, Laurie Higgins, a ‘Christian’ conservative and member of the Illinois Family Institute.

(Pssst. Something tells me someone was not pleased to learn that her date to the prom was a big homo!)

It seems, ten days or so ago, Ms. Higgins posted an entry on her blog critical of the American Library Association’s ‘Banned Book Week’ and all those “self-righteous dissembling librarians”.  Laurie is all upset because the group seems to be doing its damnedest to prevent the banning of books featuring GLBT families, when they should be endorsing ones that “challenge Leftist assumptions about the nature and morality of homosexuality”.

Isn’t her language all formal and precise!  Such a gifted typist, er, I mean, writer.  Based on her ‘skills’, one can see why she feels qualified to judge the value of literature.  Although, I do believe Ms. Higgins harbors a secret desire to become a published author.  You know, striking out on her own by creating a whole new genre of propagandistic lit that will appeal to young homophobes everywhere.  (And by everywhere, I mean “the south”).

The reason Laurie is so upset with those degenerate librarians is that she fears these books!   For these books feature, according to her way of thinking, “children or anthropomorphized animals being raised by parents in homoerotic relationships”.

Seems Ms. Higgins would much rather see:

  • young adult novels “about teens who feel sadness and resentment about being intentionally deprived of a mother or father”
  • books about “teens who are damaged by the promiscuity of their 'gay' fathers who hold sexual monogamy in disdain”
  • stories about “young adults who are consumed by a sense of loss and bitterness that their politically correct and foolish parents allowed them during the entirety of their childhood to cross-dress, change their names, and take medication to prevent puberty, thus deforming their bodies”
  • “novels about teens who suffer because of the harrowing fights and serial 'marriages' of their lesbian mothers”


- and, my personal favorite…

  • “picture books that show the joy a little birdie experiences when after the West Nile virus deaths of her two daddies, she's finally adopted by a daddy and mommy”


Ms. Higgins better take her cornflower blue satin prom gown out the mothballs, because I see a “Newberry Award” ceremony in someone’s future! 

The West Nile virus?  Really, Laurie?  My, my… you are the cupcake which springs from mysterious batter, aren’t you!  Bless your heart.  Such a creative mind!  And she’s apparently done her market research for she’s fairly certain “there are some teens and children who will identify with such stories.”

So, let’s all lick an index finger and turn a page or two as means of saluting “Wonderland Burlesque’s Turdscooter of the Week”: super-crazy, embittered homphobe and probable book burner, Laurie Higgins, member of the Illinois Family Institute.

Laurie?  Sadly, I think there probably is a publisher out there who’d be interested in foisting your special brand of crazyhate on young ‘Christian’ minds.  But, if there is a God in heaven – and, granted, that’s a big if – I’m pretty sure he’s not gonna be letting that happen, so…

You can put your prom dress back in the closet, hon, and (to borrow a little something from a real writer - great big homo, Tennessee Williams)…

'Blow out your candle, Laurie… And so good-bye!'

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(P.S. – Laurie?  I’m not angry.  Just amazed that a mind like yours is capable of stringing words together in a sentence.)






2 comments:

anne marie in philly said...

ugly bitch, isn't she? looks like she needs to get laid.

PS - laurie, have you ever heard of the first amendment in our constitution? the one about "freedom of speech"? "freedom of the press"? I didn't think so.

whkattk said...

Well, now... It would appear she thinks she should be free to spout all her hate, but anything that touts love between two people of the same sex should be banned. Wow...what an intelligent way of thinking. Since when did Illinois join the south???