Friday Fun: Rub It For Luck

Friday Fun: Rub It For Luck

Catching what little light there is, it shines like a beacon, beckoning you; a visual siren’s song that only a fool would resist.

It’s a statement: confident, sure, in control. You see this man and you know you would do well to place yourself in his care. 

But how to approach?

You find him a bit intimidating.  And you know exactly why. 

It’s that feeling in the pit of your stomach; that part of you which is afraid to surrender.  However, try as you might, you can’t help yourself. 

It’s more powerful than you.  

He’s more powerful than you. 

And your hunger, don’t forget your hunger – it’s more powerful than the both of you.

Still you hesitate.  How do you handle this?  You’re not quite sure how to break the ice.  

You don’t want to hand him some lame pick-up line or come across like a total tool, parroting something you heard in a porn flick.

Still.  Something’s needed to ignite this fire.

Wait… that’s it! 

You know exactly what to do.

Go on.  Reach out.  You know you want to.  It’s what got you over here in the first place.

And it might be just the move to turn things in your favor.

It’ll make him more human. 

It’ll help you relax. 

Sure, maybe it'll piss him off, but you know what?  If he does get offended, it means he doesn’t have much of a sense of humor about himself – and do you really want to be stuck with someone like that?

So, go ahead.

Do it.

Rub it for luck.

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Have a great weekend.

Wishing you all the very best.

- Uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque

Wonderland Burlesque’s Turdscooter of the Week: Linda Harvey

Wonderland Burlesque’s 
Turdscooter of the Week: 

Linda Harvey

Oh, my… first Laurie Higgins and now, hatemonger, fact-challenged homophobe, Linda Harvey.  An obvious choice, I realize, but her latest crazyhate claim deserves a bit of attention from the GLBT Community.

Seems rabid Linda blames GLBT Youth Centers for the rise of HIV among 13-24 year olds, citing the… ummm… ‘fact’ that young people who go to such places are “being preyed upon by older homosexuals”.  Terming these gathering places as “homosexual sex centers”, she, (apparently based on personal experience?), goes on to illustrate the dangers lurking by stating: “The things that go on in the bathrooms at these centers… it’s unbelievable.  It’s everything you can imagine.”

Yeah… unbelievable… that’s a good term for it, Linda. 

As for everything you can imagine going on in those bathrooms, well… I feel sorry for you.  It must be difficult to live with all that gay porn running behind your eyeballs 24/7. 

This latest vitrolic smegma schmear sprang forth from Ms. Harvey’s old biddy cornhole like a snake handler speaking tongues during an interview with the head of Cleveland Right to Life, Molly Smith.

Highlights included:

-       “Social service agencies donate money because, again, it’s considered a youth center. No, it’s a homosexual sex center and kids should not be involved in this. This is another way HIV is being spread, I think. There’s no question that kids are being preyed upon by older homosexuals, and that’s why you see Centers for Disease Control shows 13- to 24-year-old HIV rates are going up.”

-       “There is no such thing as a gay person. There are people with those attractions and preferences, but not intrinsically, and those behaviors are immoral and harmful. So, are they ever going to tell children that? I would hope so, but these bullying programs are pretty weak on the whole picture.”

Please note the inclusion of the words, “I think” in that first quote.  Yeah, Linda has a history of providing a lot of alarming media sound bites for the homophobic right without providing any actual data to back up her outrageous claims.  Keep in mind, she also claims that gay rights lead to abortion.  One can only imagine the herculean Rube Goldberg machine-like thought process that led to that conclusion, but, yep… she said it.

From my perspective - as someone who is not a trained psychoanalyst, but won’t let that prevent him from putting forth a totally unfounded theory (not unlike a certain foaming at the mouth radio personality whose last name begins with an ‘H’) , it’s very clear that Linda has some childhood trauma that she is trying to work through.  In public, no less!

Perhaps it was something that took place in the unisex bathroom at her local youth center?  Or was it the shock of her first mullet at the hands of a well-meaning, small town, male hairdresser?   Or could it be that ad for Birkenstocks she happened upon while perusing an issue of ‘Christian Youth Magazine’?  I don’t know.  I hate to speculate (unlike a certain born again biddy).  

But, clearly, the woman is disturbed. 

So, dear gay brothers and sisters, I urge you to look upon this tortured soul as someone who has been touched (in the head) by an angel (with a tire iron), and resolve to balm her pustulous, syphilitic-brain-like ravings with heaping spoonfuls of the rainbow-colored sugar we call compassion. 

In that spirit, let’s all dig in our spoons, load ‘em up, and attempt to sugar coat the throat of Wonderland Burlesque’s Turdscooter of the Week, Mission America’s own dementedly homo-obsessed, Linda Harvey. 

Careful with all that compassion kids!

We wouldn’t want to choke a bitch.

Friday Fun: Goes Down So Smooth

Friday Fun: Goes Down So Smooth

It’s been on your mind all day.  You live for it; counting the moments.  From the minute you woke up this morning and all through your workday, it’s all you’ve been thinking about. 

Your throat aches for it; your thirst is that palpable. 

Sometimes you think maybe you have a bit of a problem, but such thoughts get pushed aside anytime the opportunity to indulge arises.  And there are certainly worse things to be addicted to, am I right?

Like it or not, there’s only one thing that really satisfies that need.  And, oh, yeah… you need it.  Need it bad.

The vessel and taste of its contents may vary, but the payoff is always the same, the instant it passes your lips, fills your mouth, and hits the back of your throat.

So, what’s your pleasure?  Name your poison.  Don’t be shy.  It’s all right there for the taking.

Go on, reach in there and grab one.  You know you want it.

And don’t make the mistake of hurrying.  Take your time.  Be sure to savor every second.  No need to rush it.

Oh, yeah.

There it is. 

Your lips part in anticipation.  In your mind, you can already taste it.  A lifetime of experience fills your head - a reflex reaction, for you’re primed, awaiting that sensation you know will transport you to the place you long to visit.

You wish you could live there.

The moment it touches your lips, you know you’re in for a good time.

It’s the look and feel of it in your hands, the weight, the girth, the pure satisfaction you know comes from such things.

It’s an experience you indulge in and relish whenever and wherever possible.  You’re greedy for it, huh?  You laugh.  How many times have others called you a greedy little pig?

Yeah, little piggy… go to town.  Get a little sloppy with it.  It’s all good.

Don’t you love it?  How it goes down so smooth?  Cascading through you, fulfilling, elevating, and transporting you like nothing else in this whole messed up world?

Don’t hold back.  You deserve it.   

All of it.

Right down to the very last drop.

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Have a great weekend.

Wishing you all the very best.

- Uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque