Wonderland Burlesque's Let's All Go To The Movies: Say Gay Edition, Part VI - Boys Will Be Girls Pt. 2

Wonderland Burlesque's

Let's All Go To The Movies

Say Gay Edition, Part VI

Boys Will Be Girls Pt. 2

For this edition of Let All Go To The Movies, I'm going to bend the rules a bit. Typically? 1987 is my cut-off point. But this is such a rich genre, I have decided to extend that all the way to 1995!

And, yes... I know there's a lot missing, but my attention span isn't much these days, so I tend to go for low hanging fruit and the most obvious suspects. Also, I've taken the liberty of lumping a couple of the franchise films together for the sake of continuity and saving space (and due to laziness.) 

Part deux of Boys Will Be Girls is a lot more fun that part uno, because we actually get to see some positive portrayals of LGBTQ+ folk and a move toward mainstream acceptance. Not that we still don't get to play cold-blooded killers, but, hey... I'd like to think we get to do it in better heels!

Enjoy!

Revenge Of A Kabuki Actor

AKA: An Actor's Revenge

(1963)

(In this Japanese classic about an onnagata or oyama, a male kabuki actor who plays female roles sets about to avenge the deaths of his mother and father. Like many of the great onnagata, particularly of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, the onnagata in this film wears women’s clothes and uses the language and mannerisms of a woman offstage as well as on.)

 

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Pink Flamingos

(1972)

"An exercise in poor taste."

(Considered a preliminary exponent of abject art, Pink Flamingos is part of what Waters refers to as the 'Trash Trilogy', which includes 1974's Female Trouble and 1977's Desperate Living. Shot on a budget of only $10,000, Pink Flamingos introduced a use of color dubbed as the 'Baltimore aesthetic' by art students at Providence.)

"Repulsive films ever made."

"It has to be seen to be believed."

(The trailer set used in the film operated like a hippie commune. The cast and crew were housed in a nearby farmhouse without hot water. Divine, notorious for demanding high standards and comfort, opted to sleep at actress Susan Lowe's home in Baltimore, waking before dawn to apply makeup before being driven to the set.)

"Is this 'woman' the filthiest person alive?"

"Tarred, feathered and shot in weirdo feud."

"Sex change operation paid for by welfare."

"Get ready for a vile evening."

(The film was initially banned in Switzerland and Australia, as well as in some provinces in Canada and Norway. A sequel, titled Flamingos Forever was planned, with Troma Entertainment set to finance the picture. However, it never came to fruition because Divine refused to be involved, feeling that to appear in such a film would hurt his career, and due to the death of Edith Massey in 1984.)

Female Trouble

(1974)

"Divine and Edy with the Pink Flamingos gang in..."

(Waters dedicated the film to Manson Family member Charles 'Tex' Watson. Waters visited Watson in prison on a regular basis. Their conversations inspired the 'crime is beauty' theme of the film. In the film's opening credits, Waters includes images of a wooden toy helicopter which Watson made for him.)

(The original working title of the film was Rotten Mind, Rotten Face, but Waters changed it because he didn't want to risk having hostile film critics use the headline 'Rotten Mind, Rotten Face, Rotten Movie.')

"About this X: Preview audiences have indicated that Female Trouble includes scenes of extraordinary perversity. The distributor therefore wishes to caution the potential viewer that Female Trouble may be seen as morally and sexually offensive."

Polyester

(1981)

(Polyester satirizes female melodramas from the 1940's and 1950's, in particular, those directed by Douglas Sirk whose work with Lana Turner directly influenced Waters' film. It is also a send up of suburban life in the early 1980's.)

(In a stylistic tribute to the films of William Castle, whose films typically featured some sort of attention-grabbing gimmick. Polyester employed one called Odorama, whereby viewers could smell what they see on screen using scratch and sniff cards.)

It's scentsational!

"Filmed in Odorama."

(The film marked a departure for Waters; it was his first film to flirt with mainstream success. It even managed to garner an R rating, another first for Waters.)

(Songs in the film were written by Deborah Harry of Blondie with various collaborators. One of the songs is sung by Tab Hunter, while another is sung by Bill Murray. Punk rocker Stiv Bators of The Dead Boys and Lords Of The New Church fame appears as Bo-Bo Belsinger.)

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Rocky Horror Picture Show

(1975)

"Give yourself over to absolute pleasure."

(Everybody's favorite glam science fiction/B movie parody featuring the world's most beloved transvestite.) 

(Filmed in the UK, on a soundstage and an actual manor (in a state of disrepair) which had appeared in a number of Hammer Films. The film also included a number of props from that famed studio, for example: the tank and dummy was originally used in 1958's The Revenge Of Frankenstein.  Initial reaction was extremely negative, however, once it hit the midnight circuit and audience participation was thrown into the mix it slowly became a cult sensation.)

"He's the hero -  that's right, the hero!!"

(Based on the stage musical written by actor Richard O'Brien, its original working title was They Came From Denton High. The film featured many members from the original cast, though 20th Century insisted that the roles of Janet and Brad be recast using American actors. Make-up artist to the stars, Pierre La Roche - Mick Jagger and David Bowie - was brought on board to redesign the make-up for each character.)

(The Rocky Horror Picture Show is considered to be the longest-running release in film history.)

"Action packed. Lotsa larfs & sex. Gorgeous gals. Thrills & chills. Transylvanian. Parties. Romance."

"Plus 18 great songs."

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La Cage Aux Folles

(1978)

"The comedy that comes out of the closet!"

(Based on Jean Poiret's 1973 play of the same name, the film version was considered a commercial success, becoming one of the highest-grossing foreign-language films released in the United States of all time. It it went on to win a Golden Globe for Best Foreign film and received three Oscar nominations.)

"Birds of a feather."

(The original film inspired two sequels, a Broadway musical with music by Jerry Herman and, most regrettably, the Nathan Lane/Robin Williams travesty, The Birdcage.)

La Cage Aux Folles II

"...the relationship continues."

 

(A spy caper.)

La Cage Aux Folles 3

The Wedding

"The good news is they inherit a fortune if they marry."

"The bad news is they have 15 months to have a baby."

(And that pretty much sums up the whole movie!)

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Can't Stop The Music

(1980)

"The movie musical event of the 80's."

(I had to include this because it is my favorite kind of drag. And, no, I don't mean Kaitlyn. So much coke, so little good taste. The dirt on this film could fill a coffee table-sized book.)

(By 1980, the bloom was off this rose. Disco had been declared dead and The Village People were just starting to feel the pinch. That didn't stop Alan Carr, who had just enjoyed a huge success with his film version of the musical Grease, from creating this little gem. Think of it as disco's cinematic kiss of death. Originally titled Discoland... Where the Music Never Ends - not only did it end, it also died.)

(Directed by Rhoda's mom - Nancy Walker, one of my all-time favorite lesbians. It stands as her one and only film directing credit and for good reason. Valerie Perrine and Nancy Walker did not get along, to the point that Walker refused to direct the actress and let her cinematographer take care of all of the actress' scenes.)

(Ray Simpson's role was originally intended for Victor Willis, the original lead singer of the Village People who left the group during pre-production of this film.)

(Olivia Newton John was in talks to play Valerie Perrine's role, but it all fell apart when songwriter and Village People creator Jacques Morali refused to allow John Farrar, ONJ's manager, to write her songs. So, she signed on to do Xanadu instead. Yes, that other nail in the coffin of disco.)

(This was to be the first of a three film deal Carr had signed with EMI. The other two films? A movie version of the musical Chicago and The Josephine Baker Story starring... Diana Ross. When Can't Stop The Music stopped dead in its tracks? The other films were cancelled.)

(Carr took a hands-on role with the production, and 'personally' directed and cast the male athlete extras for the YMCA musical sequence!)

(While it bombed in the US, the soundtrack fared much better elsewhere - going #1 in Australia, where the movie was also a big hit, and #6 in the UK.)

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Dressed To Kill

(1980)

"Brian De Palma, master of the macabre, invites you to a showing of the latest fashion... in murder."

(While stylistically alluring, the film is often deemed little more than a rip-off of Alfred Hitchcock's work. The Hitchcock comparisons are apt, since the film actually contains several direct references to 1960's Psycho.)

Every nightmare has a beginning... this one never ends.

(Director De Palma originally wanted Norwegian actress Liv Ullmann to play Kate Miller, but she declined because of all the violence. The role then went to Angie Dickinson. Sean Connery was offered the role of Robert Elliot and was enthusiastic about it, but had to decline due to previous commitments.)

(The film led to controversy and protests upon its release. Women's groups throughout the nation picketed the film, due to its theme of violence against women as entertainment. And the transgender community also took issue with the film repeating the tired trope that all transgender people are psychopathic killers and mentally-ill sexual predators.)

(Angie Dickenson is to this film what Janet Leigh is to Psycho and Drew Barrymore to Scream.)

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Tootsie

(1982)

"This Christmas everyone will know that she's Dustin Hoffman... and he's Tootsie.

"This is a hell of a way to make a living."

(Dustin Hoffman stars as the least convincing woman ever. He basically plays his perfectionist, controlling, self-involved self with a wig on his head.)

(In the early 1970s, Don McGuire's play, Would I Lie to You?, about an unemployed male actor who cross-dresses to get jobs was shopped around Hollywood for several years until it came to the attention of comedian and actor Buddy Hackett in 1978. Interested in playing the talent agent, Hackett showed producer Evans the script. Evans purchased an option on the play, but production delays found him renewing the option more than once. The lead role was offered to Peter Sellers and Michael Caine, but neither was interested. A working script had been cobbled together and shown to Dustin Hoffman, Hoffman was interested, but wanted complete creative control, And Evans, who had been working on the script with two other screenwriters, agreed, moving into the role of producer. The film went through three directors before it a single frame was shot.)

"What do you get when you cross a hopelessly straight, starving actor with a dynamite red sequined dress?

"You get America's hottest new actress."

(It ended up being the most profitable film of 1982 and was nominated for ten Academy Awards, including Best Picture. Jessica Lange was the only winner, walking away with the Best Supporting Actress award.)

"He's Tootsie... She's Dustin Hoffman.

"Desperate, he took a female role and became a star!"

(Marks the film debut of the lovely Gena Davis.)

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Torch Song Trilogy

"It takes a lot of guts and a helluva sense of humor to live life in Arnold's shoes."

(A two-hour film adaptation by Harvey Fierstein from his four-hour play of the same name, featuring the most unlikely gay couple in all of film history.)

(Broderick originally turned down the role of Alan because he was recuperating from an automobile accident in Ireland which had resulted in the deaths of two women. So, Tate Donovan was cast, but two days into the rehearsals, Broderick changed his mind. Fierstein then fired Donovan.)

(The original play was inspired by the work of legendary female impersonator Charles Pierce.)

(The song This Time the Dream's On Me, sung by Ella Fitzgerald, is featured prominently throughout the film including the closing credits. However, when it came to the soundtrack album, Norman Granz, Fitzgerald's long-time manager invoked a a coupling clause which gave Fitzgerald the right to refuse for her material to appear on any album featuring another artist. This was done out of spite. Seems Granz was deeply unsatisfied with the money offered by PolyGram Records to use the song in the film.)  

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The Crying Game

(1992)

(Jordan originally drafted the screenplay in the mid-eighties, but shelved it when a similar film appeared. Dil was originally to be a cis-gender female but, Jordan decided to make the character transgender at the premiere of his 1991 film The Miracle.)

(He struggled for years to secure sufficient funding and the filming process was fraught with financial difficulties. Money was so tight, the costumer had Jaye Davidson wear some of her own clothes, as the two happen to be the same size.)

(The film initially bombed, floundering until Miramax decided to promote it in the US, where it became a sleeper hit. It was nominated for six Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Film Editing, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and Best Director and went on to become a worldwide success.)

(Director Derek Jarman brought Davidson, who had never acted before, to Jordan's attention. Davidson was discovered by a talent agent at the premier party of one of Jarman's films.)

(Davidson would only appear in one additional major role, playing the villainous Ra in the film version of Stargate. After that? He walked away from the industry, stating he didn't enjoy the attention fame generated.)

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Priscilla Queen Of The Desert

(1994)

(A surprise worldwide hit, the film, with its positive portrayals of LGBT folk, introduced mainstream audiences to LGBT themes. Yes... for once, it was fun to be gay. Easy? No. Fun? Yes.)

(Because of the involvement of the Australian FCC, only one non-Australian could appear in the the film. Producer Al Clark initially wanted David Bowie, whom he'd known during the 80's and John Hurt, but neither was available.)

(Tony Curtis was their first choice for the role of Bernadette. The actor read and approved of the script, but proved unavailable. John Cleese was offered the role, but had no interest. Tim Curry was being considered, but Terence Stamp got the nod instead.) 

(They wanted Rupert Everett for the role of Tick and Jason Donovan for Adam. However, it became evident at a pre-production casting meeting held at Cannes that Everett and Donovan despised one another and both were openly hostile toward the production staff. The production team then unsuccessfully lobbied Colin Firth to play the role which eventually went to Hugo Weaving. And, at the last minute, the role of Adam went to Australian actor Guy Pearce.) 

"Finally a comedy that will change the way you think, the way you feel and, most importantly, the way you dress."

(Its soundtrack was a huge success and the film won an Academy Award for Best Costume Design.)

(But not all was feather boas and red roses. The did come under criticism for alleged racist and sexist elements, particularly when it came to the portrayal of the Filipina character, Cynthia.)

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To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar

(1995)

"Attitude Is Everything."

(While not critically as successful as it's predecessor, this film made three times as much at the box office as Priscilla Queen Of The Desert. It was number one at the box office in the United States for its first two weeks in theaters.)

(Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo both immediately said 'yes.' Many actors were considered for the role of Vida Boheme, including Robert Downey Jr., William Baldwin, Gary Oldman, Matthew Broderick, James Spader, John Cusack, Mel Gibson, Robert Sean Leonard, Willem Dafoe, John Turturro, Matt Dillon, Rob Lowe, Johnny Depp, Tom Cruise, and Robin Williams.)

(Patrick Swayze was one of the last actors to audition for Vida. He got the role by strolling around New York dressed as a woman with the director to prove that he could 'pass.')

(I have really strong opinions about this film. Stockard Channing and the supporting cast are wonderful. John Leguizamo absolutely brings it. Wesley Snipes, on the other hand, spends the entire film walking around as if to say, "Hey, look. I'm Welsley Snipes trying to be a woman. I am a dude. Gee, high heels are hard to walk in!" And I don't buy Swayze for one second; he's stiff, boring and is dressed all wrong for his body type. And the story is so hackneyed it feels like it was written on a box of corn flakes. Yep. Hated it.)

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And that's all for now.

Tune in next time...

Same time, same channel!

You Can't Stop The Music - The Village People

Who Did It Better? Sweet Alibis

Who Did It Better? 

Sweet Alibis

On occasion there are songs which never hit, yet they do catch the ear of a given artist or producer who breathes life into them, endearing them to fans the world over.  Such is the case with today's little gem of a song, which was recorded by three distinct female vocalists - all with varying degrees of musical prowess. 

Which brings to mind the question: is it better to be musically accomplished or emotionally effective? Not that they are necessarily mutually exclusive, but, if you had to choose... which serves a song best?

Sweet Alibis is a song written by Carole Bayer Sager and her former paramour, Marvin Hamlisch. The two had ended their relationship, but decided to document it, with a book by Neil Simon, in the form of the musical, They're Playing Our Song. Sweet Alibis was one of the songs written during this time period, though, due to its rather personal nature, was never up for consideration to become part of that show's score.

However, when Bayer Sager began to cobble together songs for her debut album on Elektra Records, in 1977, it was deemed a perfect fit. Produced by Brooks Arthur (Janis Ian, Bette Midler, Dusty Springfield, Liza Minelli, Debby Boone, Peter Allen,) her self-titled album included the hit single You're Moving Out Today, which she co-wrote with Bette Midler and Bruce Roberts. That song became a 1977 Australian #1 single and also reached #6 on the UK Singles Chart in June of 1977. On the strength of that single's success, the album went platinum in Japan and Australia.

American jazz legend, Carmen McRae is considered one of the most influential jazz vocalists of the 20th century due to her behind-the-beat phrasing and ironic interpretation of lyrics. When she was 17 years old, she met Billy Holiday and the two became friends. As a result, McRae never performed without singing at least one song associated with 'Lady Day.' She  even recorded an album in 1983 in Holiday's honor entitled For Lady Day, which finally saw the light of day after McRae's death, in 1995.

In November and December of1978, McRae found herself with some extra studio time to fill and decided to take on songs written by those she considered the up and coming writers of tomorrow's musical standards. She chose a selection of adult contemporary songs by the top songwriters of the day, including Melissa Manchester, Carole Bayer Sager, Al Jarreau, Ralph McDonald, Peter Allen, Billy Joel, Paul Williams and Marvin Hamlisch. And Sweet Alibis made the cut. However, McRae, as per usual, was between labels at the time and the recordings sat in a vault until Buddah Records bought the rights to them. Released as I'm Coming Home Again, the album, due to Buddah's distribution deal with Arista, received little label support and floundered in obscurity.

Bernadette Peters was in the midst of her first flush of fame. Thanks to a pair of films along side then-boyfriend Steve Martin (The Jerk, Pennies From Heaven,) she'd become a hot commodity - and not just on Broadway, where she first cut her teeth. 

Signed to MCA Records, she recorded her first solo album, a pastiche of tunes recalling bygone eras. Produced by Brooks Arthur (!) it featured a cover which boasted an original painting of Peters done by none other than a then 84 year old Alberto Vargas, king of the pin up girls. Her eponymous album, released in 1980, yielded the surprise Top 40 hit, Gee Whiz.  

For the follow-up, the powers that be at MCA decided to repeat the formula of the first. Only this time, her producer, Arthur suggested that Peters take on Sweet Alibis, which he considered perfect for her, especially in light of her recent break up with Martin. Featuring yet another painting by Vargas (it was to be one his last works,) 1981's Now Playing also included songs by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller and Stephen Sondheim. 

Released to coincide with her appearance and photo spread in the December issue of Playboy magazine, for which she posed in lingerie designed by famed designer Bob Mackie, the album failed to chart, thus putting an end Peters' association with MCA. 

And that's the whole story.

Now? Onto the competition!

The Song: Sweet Alibis
The Competitors: Bayer-Sager vs. McRae vs. Peters

Sweet Alibis - Carole Bayer Sager

Sweet Alibis - Carmen McRae

Sweet Alibis - Bernadette Peters

Carole Bayer Sager

Such a subdued intro. Producer Arthur has a way of dealing with singers with slight voices, making the best of what would some would view as a liability. The resigned ache present in Bayer Sager's voice is used to good effect. The arrangement is kept appropriately sparse in order to not overwhelm the vocalist, consisting of little more than the bell-like tones of an electric piano, a sympathetic bass, rounded percussion and a group of restrained strings.

Bayer Sager's phrasing is clipped, most likely because she's incapable of sustaining a note. It places an emphasis on her very crisp articulation, which serves as a sort of percussive element. It's an effective, unconventional technique.

I really like the string arrangement. It's very clever. That abrupt acoustic-sounding piano at the 1:44 mark is a bit of unexpected drama. And the guitar solo? A matter of taste. It's a bit homogenized, but effective. I think Arthur is trying to stir up a bit of dramatic relief via the contrasting tones; the simplicity and quiet surrounding Bayer Sager's vocal contributions and the whirlwind of the instrumental break. Again, the strings are used quite effectively. And, over the years, I've come to love that overworked guitar solo. 

When Bayer Sager returns, so does the sound of isolation. Her vocals, which are little more than whispered phrases, are treated with a great deal of reverb, effectually evoking the aloneness one experiences when facing the truth of a failed relationship. The plaintive piano solo which begins after a beat and plays us out is yet, another fruitful construct. It evokes the image of the song's protagonist walking away, resigned, self-contained, but mournfully so.

I'd forgotten how potent Arthur's production work frequently can be and what a tiny, succinct melancholy valentine this song happens to be. 

The songwriters got this one right.

Carmen McRae

The little trio at work here put us on notice right away; this is going to be a much more muscular take on the song. There's a lot of rhythmic undertones in that very focused keyboard work along with a very quiet trap set. The material may be MOR, but the musicians are all jazz.

McRae's vocals come on strong, right out of the box. She bites off phrases and stretches vowel sounds with a knowing, no-nonsense purr. She infuses the lyrics and melody with all sorts of percussive touches - a flex, here, a clipped word, there. Moving into the lyrical bridge, the trio is fully engaged and McRae is in a playful mood. Where Bayer Sager is resolutely resigned, McRae is still slyly stirring the ashes. 

And, of course, her signature phrasing is on display here; that's what makes McRae such an original. 

The production work is knobbed hot and bright. Lots of ringing tones with crisp percussive elements abound. The strings arrive late in the game. I think I could have done without them. They feel a little in the way.

Love it when this lady digs in on "driving me crazy." 

Very odd instrumental break. That plucked acoustic bass, (?) an interesting choice. Again... the strings are in the way. 

McRae reenters the mix in full swing mode. She's almost playing off the strings, which are way to high in the mix for my comfort. Wow, the lady is bringing this one home. And the plucked acoustic bass takes us the rest of the way. 

I like McRae's voice. I'm unfamiliar with her work and will have to check more out. 

Bernadette Peters

Peters technique as a vocalist is very interesting, and one more singers should study. She never wastes a word. She fills them all in. Every vowel sound, an opportunity to open up her sound so it hits the back of her throat. Yes, she has a tendency to flutter away the end of a phrase, but that's part of her Gibson girl charm - evoking another era. She's also an expert when it comes to singing on top of a note. Listen to her single line, direct to the end delivery at the 24 second mark. It's all one line, but imbued with a total tonal transformation. In one phrase. That's intuitive. I don't know that you can teach that. 

As we move into the lyrical bridge, her accompanist gets a bit... greedy. She doesn't need his help in that way. Those fills... horribly distracting. I'd rather concentrate on the story Peters is telling. And the strings are a bit ripe, too. 

The percussion sounds like its being tapped out on cardboard boxes. Arthur is not bringing his A-game here. It's like he doesn't trust Peters to carry the song. I'm disappointed. 

I think Peters handles the "driving me crazy part" the least effectively, so far. Also disappointing, as that's sort of the climax of the song's story arc. Oh, dear, no instrumental bridge, she goes full emotional warrior, competing with some screaming strings. Well, tender, this is not. 

No. the further we get into this, the less it is working. Not as a recorded version. Live? On stage? As part of a musical? I don't know. But this is a fail from "driving me crazy" on to the end. 

Well, that's a shame. It was a good match... on paper. 

The Verdict

Love Peters, but her version misses the mark. I don't know how producer Arthur could get it so right when it came to Bayer Sager and blunder so badly when it came to Peters. 

And Bayer Sager's version is incredibly effective. In fact, it may be my personal favorite of the three. But that may have more to do with growing up with it than musical accomplishment.

McRae's take is sassy and sly, and while it doesn't bring out the devastation inherit in the song, it certainly casts her as a long term survivor of anything romance has to dish out. 

So, I'm torn. McRae's is fully developed and more accomplished musically, but Bayer Sager's tiny truths are much more emotionally potent. 

Hats off to both, but I'm going with Bayer Sager. And if you disagree? I will concede that you may very well be right.

But I can't separate my opinion from the history this song and I have shared, nor the hours spent, all alone, locked away in my room with nothing but an inexpensive stereo and her album.

As Noel Coward once wrote... "strange how potent cheap music is."

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And that's enough of me.  

Your turn. Leave your choice and thoughts in the comments section. You know how I love a differing opinion. 

That's all for now. Until next time...

Thanks for reading... and listening!

Wonderland Burlesque's In The Good Old Summertime Quiz

Wonderland Burlesque's 

In The Good Old Summertime Quiz

Ah, summertime... so fleeting, here, in the midwest. It's like The Carol Burnett Show; "seems we just get started and before you know it..."

I, for one, am not ready to let it go. And don't worry. There's still plenty of time to enjoy all your favorite summertime activities - which just so happens to be the subject of today's quiz.

Today, we'll take a look at a dozen summertime activities. Do you participate? Have you ever? Do you enjoy them? Where do you do them?

Think of it as taking a cool dip on a hot day... and let's dive in!

1/ Golfing

Nope. Never. That said, I love finding golf balls.

There's a three-hole golf course that abuts the prairie. I walk along the dividing fence on my walk in. I hunt for golf balls. Because I'm a magical thinker, I erroneously believe that for every golf ball I find, a fella will find me. 

One year? I found over 125 balls!

Needless to say... I'm owed one hell of a lot of fellas. 

2/ Biking/Mountain Biking/Motorcycle Riding

I do love to bike. And I was really into mountain biking for a bit. They have fun trails that encircle the prairie. 

But I had a horrible bike accident: broke my neck in three places, terrible concussion, etc. I'm lucky to be alive. My bike? Not so lucky. 

Miss that bike.

But I love the one I currently have. And I used to ride it a lot. This year? Not so much, yet. But I never ride without a helmet, now. I have a feeling I will be riding more come late summer and through the fall.

Honestly? The Boyfriend rode it for a bit and now my feelings toward it have changed. It's lost its magic. Or something. 

Maybe it just needs a wash.

3/ Swimming

Again... used to love to do this. Never in an ordinary lake, though. I'm terrified of amoebas and strange critters getting into my circulatory system. 

There was a lovely oxygen fed manmade lake that The Boyfriend and I used to go to. It was lovely. Cold, though. And we went to the YWCA for year, too. 

But now? Nothing. 

I miss the water. And the exercise. 

4/ Boating/Canoeing/Kayaking

I used to canoe a lot as a child. As a Boy Scout? It was just something you did and my family actually owned this really long ass canoe. 

And I've been boating. Sailing. I've even water skied (and turns out I was pretty good at it.) 

I kayaked once. It felt odd. Silly.

And The Boyfriend and I tried canoeing around Lake of the Isles and that whole chain. What a disaster. We didn't speak to one another for a whole half hour afterwards. 

I'd give it another go. 

But I get to steer.

5/ Sunbathing/Going To The Beach

I love sunbathing at the prairie. Not good for me, of course, but I do love it. I'm very careful early on, but, once I have my base tan, I'm a bit more fearless. I'll probably end up looking like an old, used leather purse one day.

Are you ready? Not a beach goer. Don't like it. The ones in L.A.? Filthy. Garbage everywhere. The ones in Hawaii? Better. 

But it's the other people. Don't like 'em. Don't want to sit near 'em. Don't want to put up with their noise, music, food smells, potty mouths, or their *gasp* children. 

No. Not for me.

 
6/ Hiking

I consider all the walking around I do when at the prairie as a sort of hiking. When I was with the artist? That is what we did. We hiked all sorts of trails all over the Southwest and Hawaii. I enjoyed the hiking. The artist? Not so much.

I do challenge myself to go up and down hills and work uneven paths. 

It is great exercise. A great way to test your balance. And totally fun.

7/ Camping

In a tent. With a campfire. Near some working toilets and a shower. Yes. 

Don't like cabins. They make me think of slasher flicks and other people have been there before you and... ick. 

It's been ages since I stayed in a trailer. I might be okay with it. I do like the idea of living in one of those tiny houses. But it might also feel a bit claustrophobic. And they always smell weird.

So... a tent and a campfire? Yes. Air mattresses have made such camping fairly worry free and comfortable. 

8/ BBQ/Picnics

I love the smell of BBQ, but no longer eat meat, so... meh. I do like veggies roasted on a grill though. Big pieces of peppers and onion and carrot... yum. 

Picnics always seem like they would be fun, but I never bother. Keeping things cool. Keeping things clean. Not spilling. No. Maybe a sack lunch? Sitting on a blanket. 

That's what I do at the prairie. I bring little snacks and beverages. But I'm by myself. So it works well.

Family picnics? No. I no longer eat food prepared in other people's homes and brought to an event to share. No potlucks for me. I used to think they were fun, but now they strike me the same way buffets in restaurants strike me... as suspect. Potentially harmful. 

Germs and bacteria? No, thanks.

And yet? I'd go to a bathhouse in a hot second. 

Well... priorities. Right?

9/ Farmers Markets/Fruit Picking

The Ex sells at farmer's markets every summer. He used to do too many of them. Now that he has a store at his studio? He only does one. 

I used to go. I'd walk around. I'd buy produce. But nothing else. No jewelry. No arts or crafts. I get why people do that... it's their passion. But I don't want a potholder. Or a macramé plant hanger. And I don't want to feign interest or converse with the artists. I just feel guilty as I walk by knowing that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. I feel bad. If I had a ton of money to waste, I'd give it to them in a heartbeat. They spent hours embroidering that towel with the phrase 'Keep On Truckin'.' It takes a lot of skill to cut out and paint that Dutch Boy and Girl and then stick a metal spike in them so they can decorate someone's lawn.

But that someone? It's not me, hon. 

I wish them great luck. 

Eventually, the guilt got so bad that I began dread going and before I knew it? 

I simply stopped going. 

Fruit picking. Have never done berries or strawberries. It's more a fall thing for me. Picking apples. Choosing a pumpkin. 

I've organized such events for my place of work. For one, I knew nobody wanted to go, but I really wanted everyone to like my boss (whose idea it was to go,) so I worked the event like a cheerleader. We're all in this big wagon being dragged around by a tractor. I talked to/at everyone. Kept them involved. All big eyes and frozen smiles. Some of my co-workers got the message and immediately started doing the same. It was like we were all in a hotel room doing a mountain of cocaine. 

I do that with all my work events - when I feel responsible. When I don't? 

I just look for drink tickets nobody's using, keep a low profile and remain my sullen self until my uber arrives to take me home.

10/ Road Trip

These seem like a great idea. 

When was the last time you actually went on one?

The idea of getting in a car and going somewhere you've never been with no plans and no agenda? 

A little terrifying. 

Now, if I know the place... that's different. 

I think my time living in Iowa Falls has left me permanently scarred and scared of small towns. They look cute. Quaint. But I know homophobia and hatred of anything different lies just beneath the surface. And sometimes? More on the surface than under. 

So, I'm overly cautious. I have enough bad experiences to last me the rest of this lifetime.

11/ Amusement Parks

Not anymore. Not my thing.

Something has happened to the balance center in my head (since the bike accident) and I can't go on rides anymore,  unless they only go forward. No sideways. No upside down. Being nauseated is not my cup of tea. 

I don't trust the food - which is all bad.

There are children there... so, forget it, my dear. 

Just not my thing any more.

I remember one summer, I went to Valley Fair with a couple of actor friends of mine. We were all doing shows and I was playing Marcellus Washburn in a summerstock production of The Music Man. This man recognized me and began sort of shadowing us as we moved through the park. Every time I caught his eye he'd start singing, "Shipoopi, shipoopi, that girl is hard to get." His eyes were huge and glassy and had this big mouth of teeth.

I felt like I was in some psychological thriller where they eventually find my dead body going 'round and 'round on the merry-go-round.

12/ Outdoor Concerts/Theatre In The Park

I have done so many shows in parks. And you know what? I always had the best time. I loved being outdoors. I loved the simplicity of the shows. I mean, yes, we were doing Shakespeare and Moliere, but it was so refreshing and freeing. Oh, we'd all bitch up a storm, but it was so much fun. It always felt like an adventure and audiences were both generous and forgiving. 

And a couple of the shows were so sexy. We'd be wearing next to nothing. Sweating and frolicking. 

I even liked attending theatre in the outdoors. There were no distractions... the set was provided by nature, for the most part. No lighting. Just actors and noise and movement. 

Concerts are fun, too. Though the people around you can be annoying as fuck. In a crowd like that, I'm always on the defensive. Don't get too close. Don't block my view. Don't slosh your beer in  my direction. I become very territorial. 

Not that way at all when I watch theatre in the park. I think it's the nature of the audience. Theatre goers tend to be better behaved and respectful. 

Concert goers tend to get drunk and think they are more entertaining than those on stage. 

But I do appreciate being outdoors, no matter what.

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And that's enough of me. 

Okay, your turn! Leave your answers in the comments section or share them on your blog and leave a link here.

That's all for now. Until next time...

Thanks for reading... and participating!

Summer - Calvin Harris

Cruel Summer - Taylor Swift