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Wonderland Burlesque’s Turdscooters of the Week, Part Two: Minnesota’s Michele Bachmann

Wonderland Burlesque’s Turdscooters of the Week, Part Two:
Minnesota’s Michele Bachmann
Oh, Michele.

What a special little turdscooter you are.

You hold a special place in my jaundiced heart, where I wish upon you things that I know I should not wish on anyone, for in doing so I wish them upon myself.  Still, your brand of bat shit crazy evil inspires such thoughts and I find myself, time and again, powerless to do otherwise.

Last week, on the conservative radio show ‘Faith & Liberty’ (Who listens to this junk?), Michele, as is her way, made up more stuff about the GLBT community.  Her latest lie goes like this:

They want to abolish age of consent laws, which means children would…we would do away with statutory rape laws so that adults will be able to freely prey on little children sexually.  That’s the deviance that we’re seeing embraced in our culture today.”


Hmmm.  I’ve been gay quite a while now, and I cannot recall any gay Log Cabin Republicans, or gay Democrats, or, even, gay Green Party folk advocating for any such thing.  So, enlighten us with some facts, Michele: pinpoint that specific piece of legislation introduced by gay folks that demand the right to rape children.  Please, do, because if there are any gays out there wanting such a thing, I would like to know about it – so I can wish upon them the very same things I frequently find myself, although I know better, wishing upon your tiny demonic soul.

You see, Michele, you’ve once again, confused gay people with pedophiles – a nasty little habit of yours that makes even the kindest hearted of gay people wish upon you terrible, despicable acts.  And trust me, they do; terrible, terrible things.

Now, I realize that you do this because you are not a very bright human being, for you are someone who is poorly educated and born without the common sense of a rotted tree stump. 

I know that you say these things because there isn’t anything at all objectionable about the majority of gay folk, who mow their lawns, go to church, and pay their taxes, just like you do (Well, you?  Taxes?  Not so much.), so you have to make stuff up in order to ensure you extend your fifteen minutes in the national spotlight.  In that way, you are sort of a parasite, Michele.  Without gay folk, you would cease to exist. Not a bad thing, really, and one of the many things I have a habit of wishing upon you.

Now, I ‘get it’: that you say the things you do about gay people because you married a gay man and even though he denies his true nature and allows you to force your body upon his once a month as marked on your ‘special time’ calendar, the fact that he is gay drives you to the utter brink of insanity. 

And deep in my heart, I know that you, like ‘Family Guy’s’ Peter Griffin, if forced to take a standardized test would be revealed to be… ummm, to put it politely… ‘challenged’.

But that is no excuse, woman. None of that excuses the ignorant crap the spews from your rancid, cancerous, lipsticked pie hole.

Michele is also upset with the Supreme Court for its decision in 2013 to strike down the federal ban on same-sex marriage, terming it a “denial of equal protection for all Americans”, a bit of logic that only makes sense in Michele’s homophobic, backwards, illiterate mind.  I mean, yes, technically, they are words strung in a sentence, but…

This is a revolution that we are encountering now. For all of the thousands of years of recorded human history, about 5,000 years, there is no instance of any culture, nation or tribe ever having as the established standard for marriage anything other than between man and woman. It may have been multiple women and a man, it may have been something like that, but it was always between men and women.”

Which means, Michele is okay with those ‘Sister Wives’ people, but not two men or two women in a committed, loving, monogamous relationship where they mow their lawns, go to church, and pay taxes.

You would think that would mean that ‘Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em’ Bachmann, is woman enough to own up to her hate-baiting ways, but, no, for she insists, less you think for one moment that she is not a good Christian woman, that her only desire is to, “spread goodness and joy and wholeness and healing … through a loving God with a message that frees people.”

Yeah, Michele, I got a middle finger that you can free anytime you want.

The only comfort that I take in relationship to you, Michele, is that you do not have a chance in hell of ever holding public office anywhere outside of that mecca of social dysfunction known as Anoka County, or, if the world has an ounce of self-worth, perhaps ever again. 

The other thing I am sure of?  That you are too far out there and ignorant for even the likes of Fox News, so there isn’t any chance of you gaining a glamorous national media pulpit unless you start up your own cable network, just as your sister in soul crimes, Sarah Palin, did this week.

I can’t wait to live in a world where there is no ‘Michele Bachmann’ news, no matter how cringe-inducingly entertaining the garbage that foams forth from your misinformed mouth.

So, dear readers, please, free your middle finger and join me as we give Michele the ‘Turdscooter of the Week’ salute, she so richly deserves.

Michele, honey?  Give it up.  Desperation is so unattractive.

Close your pie hole once and for all and fade from the national spotlight forever so good people, like yours truly won’t be tempted to wish upon you unspeakable, ghastly, gory vile (and, yet, oh-so justified) things.

Oh, and pick up a history book, or read a scientific journal.  Those things exist for a reason, you know. 

The world has evolved quite a bit since you went to Bible College, fool.

BTW: I plan on writing an ‘Evita’ –style musical about you someday.  Because you are tragic… in a totally different way.


Wonderland Burlesque’s Turdscooters of the Week, Part One: Minnesota Viking’s Special Team Coordinator, Mike Priefer

Wonderland Burlesque’s Turdscooters of the Week, Part One:
Minnesota Viking’s Special Team Coordinator, Mike Priefer

It’s going to be a turdscootin’ week, here, at Wonderland Burlesque, for this week we will have not one, but two big winners.  They both hail from my state, Minnesota!  Who knew the land of 10,000 bottoms was such a hotbed of homophobic activity?

First up:  Minnesota Viking’s Special Team Coordinator, Mike Priefer

Boy, the halls of that organization must be encrusted with a multitude of thin brown lines.  They certainly have demonstrated they know how to close ranks around one of their own.

Former Punter and outspoken GLBT supporter, Chris Kluwe brought to light the special brand of homophobia that runs like skid marks in a 13 year old boy’s underpants in the ranks of the Viking’s.  Upon showing his support for gay marriage, Kluwe was subjected to a number taunts and anti-gay remarks at the hands of Mr. Priefer. 

After the threat of a still-pending lawsuit, the Viking’s organization took action and did a rather shallow investigation of its own, ultimately deciding that, because no one else in the organization would man up and admit to witnessing any intimidating or homophobic statements made by Priefer, other than the now classic: “We should round up all the gays, send them to an island, and then nuke it until it glows.”, the Vikes decided there really wasn’t much to Kluwe’s numerous accusations.

Still, the organization decided to suspend Mr. Priefer for three games (only two, if he completes a sensitivity training course) and order him to donate $100k to GLBT organizations.   This decision has set off a negative ripple effect of reaction among GLBT circles and Democrats, who feel the investigation did not dig deep enough and that Mr. Priefer was getting off too easy. 

Here’s a page from the actual investigation, detailing Kluwe’s claims:

Kluwe alleges both during his interviews and in various publications that Priefer made the following homophobic statements:
  •  “We should round up all the gays, send them to an island, and then nuke it until it glows” near the end of November 2012”
  • Asked whether he [Kluwe] had written any letters defending “the gays” recently;
  • Denounced as disgusting the idea that two men would kiss;
  • Constantly belittled or demeaned any idea of acceptance or tolerance of gay rights;
  • Stated on multiple occasions that [Kluwe] would wind up burning in hell with the gays,
  • and that the only truth was Jesus Christ and the Bible;
  • “You’ll burn in hell with the gays”;
  • “Jesus Christ is the only salvation”;
  • “The Bible is the only book that’s right . . . it doesn’t matter what else you read”;
  • “Two men kissing, that’s disgusting” and “that’s just gross”;
  • Used the word “fag” once or twice; and
  • Made comments about “homosexual sex” and “gay parades.”

According to Kluwe, many of these remarks occurred during the Vikings’ specialist meetings, which were usually attended by Priefer, Kluwe, Long Snapper Cullen Loeffler, Kicker Blair Walsh, and sometimes Assistant Special Teams Coach Chris White. Kluwe reported that Priefer made between one or two derogatory comments in specialist meetings a week, depending on how outspoken Kluwe had been at the time.
--- ---
According to the investigation, Priefer only sort of owned up to making the ‘nuke the gays’ comment after Loeffler stepped up and recalled hearing him say it.  (Which, I guess, means you don’t have to admit you’re a homophobe unless there are witnesses.)

Thing is, in my way of thinking,  a person who sort of admits to making such a creative and specific homophobic comment is probably guilty of saying a lot more.  It would seem, to me that one statement is a pretty good indicator to how old Mike’s brain works.

After the Viking’s announced his suspension, Mr. Priefer issued the following apology:

"I owe an apology to many people -- the Wilf family, the Minnesota Vikings organization and fans, my family, the LGBT community, Chris Kluwe and anyone else that I offended with my insensitive remark," he said. "I regret what has occurred and what I said. I am extremely sorry but I will learn from this situation and will work on educating others to create more tolerance and respect."

Now, I don’t believe a single scripted word of this little slice of saving face spin, and that is one of the reasons Mr. Priefer is the first of two “Wonderland Burlesque’s Turdscooters of the Week”. 

Tune in tomorrow to find out who else from Minnesota is going to bestowed this honor. 

Oh, the suspense is killing me…

 (Naw, it’s a pretty easy guess.)


Friday Fun: Shirt Says It All

Friday Fun: Shirt Says It All

You know exactly who he is and/or what he wants.  He’s upfront about it.  Gets to the point - his point.  It’s all right there, proudly displayed on his chest or backside.  It’s there for all the world to see. 

And he’s good at it.  He caught your attention, didn’t he?

You are the driver in a car cruising the open road and he is a billboard trying to entice you to pay a visit or try his wares. 

Will you succumb?

Yep… shirt says it all.

Have a great weekend.  Enjoy!

Wishing you the very best...

- Uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque