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Acquired Tastes, Chapter XIII : Toys

Toyland, toyland
little girl and boy land
when you dwell within it
you are ever happy there!

- Toyland written by Victor Herbert

When we were kids, there were lots of toys to choose from; preference played an important role in what populated our toy chests. And fortunately, whether you were a future nelly queen, a future steroid gym bunny or a future high tech nerd, there was surely always something that was sure to tickle your fancy. When it comes to sex toys, the same thing holds true; there is just so much to choose from, surely everyone will find something to love and cherish – or not.

When I think of sex toys the first things that spring to mind are vibrators and dildos. Neither really float my personal boat, but I do understand why people find them handy and fun for the occasional release. That said, I have a hard time committing my money, time, or personal sexual mojo to sex that is inorganic in nature (not to be confused with unnatural sex – I think a lot of what I enjoy falls under the category of unnatural sex), and that term – inorganic - certainly applies to the world of…


Scope of Activity:

An appreciation for and use of inanimate objects for sexual gratification

The Official Line:

With information from Wikipedia:

A sex toy is an object or device that is primarily used to facilitate human sexual pleasure. The most popular sex toys are designed to resemble human genitals and may be vibrating or non-vibrating. Alternative expressions include adult toy and marital aid.

List of Toys:

Pocket Pussies
Blow-Up Dolls
Vegetables: Cucumbers, Cantaloupes, Watermelon, Bananas
Anal Beads
Ben Wa Balls

Psychological Aspects:

Using sex toys as sexual supplements can be good and healthy fun, whether it is only occasionally by yourself or with others. I don’t think it is necessarily healthy to use toys by your self as a sole means of sexual expression, But then I also don’t understand asexual people (though sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I was one – I might have written that novel, climbed that mountain, blah, blah, blah…). I just think sex is an important part of a healthy life, and I think that sex should include more human interaction than just handing your cash over to the clerk at your local dirty book store.

So how does that differ from a dick sticking anonymously through a glory hole? Well, you can rest assured that the dick in question is definitely attached to something that qualifies (sometimes barely) as a human being, which is enough to satisfy my need for personal interaction. If it was a big, neon pink dildo sprouting from that same glory hole? I would have to pass – because I like my dicks to be made of flesh and blood.

In this world of ever evolving technical gadgetry that requires less and less physical contact and isolates us from one another physically more and more, I think it’s really important that we get out there, exercise our social skills and get naked with one another.

My Experience:

My very first sexual experience was with an inanimate object. This is embarrassing, but what about this blog isn’t, am I right? No, I didn’t stick anything up my ass… that would never have occurred to me at the time. Rather I stuck my dick in something – something I read about in a little book called “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask) (note: sexy asterisk deleted from title). This little tome sat on the bookshelf of every home where I baby sat in my tiny home town. Needless to say, in those days the television stations went off the air at around midnight and that frequently sent yours truly off in search of something to read. Sometimes that meant checking under the mattresses (lots of classic Playboys) and in the underwear drawers of my hosts, but more often than not, it simply meant a trip to their bookshelves. This book was so popular; some of these people actually displayed it on a shelf in their formal living room! (How very forward of them!).

On one such occasion, I decided to check the table of contents for a word I had run across recently – masturbation, and low and behold, there it was. In that particular chapter I learned about a method involving Vaseline and a bottle. Hey, I thought to myself – I have some Vaseline at home. And I had a bottle, too. So, the next day, off I went, by myself, to my secret lair in the basement, bottle and Vaseline in tow. The bottle in question was a green glass “big-mouth” beer bottle. (Now, I didn’t think they made these anymore, but the other day, while hiking along the river, guess what I found? The exact same brand, too.) Anyway, I must have been about twelve or something. I slicked up the mouth of the bottle with the Vaseline and stuck my dick in it before it got too hard. Well it was kind of weird feeling, but I decided to just go with it and before I knew it… I thought I’d died and gone to heaven; such an amazing feeling. I was immediately flush with guilt. I was totally confused. And stuck. It seems upon achieving orgasm my dick actually got thicker and, as all the Vaseline had rubbed off the mouth of the bottle, my junior weenie was trapped like a genie! In a bottle! (My apologies to Ms. Aguilera).

Okay, needless to say, I was in a panic. I couldn’t imagine explaining this one to my mother and I couldn’t share it with anyone else: my brother was a total shithead and I’d die before sharing this kind of thing with a friend – what friends?). For about ten minutes (seemed like sixty) I tried to imagine what my life (and dick) was going to be like after I took a hammer and smashed that bottle. Fortunately, my blood resumed it’ normal ebb and flow and my little wiener slid out of the mouth of the devil’s bottle. And needless to say, I tried it about seventeen more times that week, until I got to go baby sit that Friday, sit down and really read that whole chapter about masturbation. (Really? You can use your hand? No way! Cool.)

Just for old time’s sake, I kept that bottle around for a whole year (washed out of course), because, you know… you never get over your first love.

Okay, since were telling creepy tales of naivety – as far as insertion was concerned, in college I placed a small bottle of Brut aftershave up my ass during a particularly unsatisfying round of spanking the monkey. Once was enough. And many, many years later, I had a brief affair with the handle of a toilet plunger, but for some reason, that didn’t work out either (his career came first).

Amazingly… that’s it. That’s the extent of my experience with inanimate objects. I’ve seen dildos – touched them and been teased with them, but nothing about them made me want to shove them up my ass. (Do people put dildos in their mouths to simulate oral sex? Hmmm.)

I can see toys as a supplement to sex and have personally experienced evenings where I’ve struck out on-line, didn’t feel like cruising outdoors, spent the evening looking at Xtube vids, and then wished I had something safe to stick up my hole. But I didn’t, don’t own any, and I doubt I ever will.


It’s just too impersonal. Part of what gets me off sexually is the interaction I have with another person. I am just not able to generate the same kind of heat with an inanimate object. Also – if you think sex with a stranger leaves one feeling empty, then trust me, once orgasm has been achieved, a lube-covered cucumber or a sperm filled blow-up doll is going to make you feel even crappier.

It’s not the act itself – although set up can take a little effort – that bothers me, it’s the aftermath. I’m a lazy person and the last thing I want to do after shooting my wad is spend a lot of time cleaning up. A shower and a douche is one thing, wiping up lube, sperm and sanitizing a fleshlight? Not my thing.

I’m also not a fan of playing with toys with others. People request this of me a lot and I have never found myself that turned-on by the idea. I don’t like props. I don’t like substitutes. I used to object on the basis of cleanliness. The idea of using somebody else’s toy? Ick. But there is a very simple solution to that – roll a condom over the top of it. That little rubber shield will protect you from whatever microcosmic critters might still lurk in the deep recesses of someone’s favorite little buddy. This works for any insertable device. As for those fleslights and pocket pussies? For those your best defense is the most obvious – roll that condom over your own beloved chubby. Makes for easy clean up, too.

I applaud those of you who love your collections. Whenever I see a picture of a naked dude showing off his plethora of sexual arsenal, displayed in an artful arch I shrug my shoulders and say, “to each their own”. More power to you. The prude in me (yes, there is a little one still living inside me, surprisingly enough), hopes they have enough sense to get rid of that stuff before they die – just think of the looks on the faces of their nieces and nephews as they sort through Uncle Chester’s belongings and come across a big black power fist! But then, is that such a bad thing? Maybe that is the greatest gift Uncle Chester can leave behind – the kind that blows people’s minds and gets them to confront their own sexual uptightness. Yeah… stick it to the Man (in more ways than one!)

And speaking of big black power fists – I can not get over the size of some of these things. Don’t get me wrong, I like my poop shoot to feel fully stuffed when getting fucked, but some of these dudes take it to such an extreme that I can’t imagine what’s in it for them. Bragging rights? A sense of accomplishment? An alternative to traditional means of off-street parking? That said, while I know videos of dudes working with extra large items exist on X-Tube, I don’t really have any desire to watch them. My porn watching time is quite limited, so I tend to stick to the flesh and blood basics.

But fleshlights? They look fun. And I do get off on vids of dudes using them. I suspect, if given the opportunity, I would use one. They seem super sexy. Or maybe it's just the dudes using them. Bet it feels great on your dick, though.

My Conclusion:

It’s like that old candy bar commercial:

Sometimes you feel like a dildo, sometimes you don’t.

And yes, you can be a dildo and not own one. Though many Republicans and Evangelists are and do (secretively, of course – wink, wink).

Next week: Rimming

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