X-mas is When Santa Comes (And If Not Santa, Then Maybe The Guy Sitting On His Knee)

Well, here is a first: a letter from a reader seeking advice. And it’s season appropriate, too. Why he didn’t try Dan Savage first is anyone’s guess. I’m not one to give advice. My favorite phrase as an adult is “I don’t know.” Trust me; those three words can get you out of a lot of work. But here it goes…

Dear Upton…

I have a strange fetish. Or maybe not so strange. I don’t know for sure. I’ve spent time in internet chat rooms (even the ones about furries – not my thing), but no one has ever come close to touching on my kink, so I’ve never talked to anyone about it in depth.

It started when I was ten. At Christmas time, my family would go to the mall and I would get to see Santa. Sitting on his lap, astride his knee, I would usually spring a woody, which I didn’t think much of at the time. However, when I was thirteen and knew that Santa was a hoax, I still enjoyed sitting on his knee – a little too much – that year I had an orgasm while sitting on his lap without even touching myself. It was amazing.

This has snowballed into an obsession. I now visit many Santas throughout the season. I have to travel great distances to find new Santas, because, while having never been caught shooting a load in my shorts, a few of them have taken issue with someone my age (now 24, but look much younger) visiting them more than once. If they balk, I just tell them I need a photo for my Mom. I consistently get off this way, so I now have quite a collection of very odd holiday photos featuring my contorting face. I use them when I jerk off (no, I won't share them with you).

So do you know of anyone else who does this? I would think there would be a lot of girls out there into it, too (although I have never met any). Am I crossing a line having an orgasm this way? Is it illegal?

If I thought it was having a negative impact on my life, I’d guess I’d try to stop. But I really have no interest in sex with anybody else and my masturbatory fantasies all seem to revolve around Santa. So who am I hurting? Or am I a….

- Santa Instigates Crazy Kool Orgasms?

Dear SICKO:

Oddly enough I know exactly how it is you get off. I’ve seen it firsthand. It was like something out of a Fellini movie, so sexy and surreal, I will never forget it.

It was in a storage room in the basement of City Center in the late 90’s. I and another dude (tiny black dude with a huge dick) stood and watched a performance of sorts. This other guy (late 20’s, Caucasian, tall, black body fur and pubes, with a big, curved dick set off by a very large pair of low hangers) had come to play with me and my friend. Neither of us had ever met him before, but via an internet chat room, somehow (I can’t recall) he had learned that we were getting together to play and asked to be included. My friend and I were game. It’s always fun with more.

Entering the room wearing dark sunglasses and a stocking hat, he removed all his clothing, except for those items and a leather cock ring. He also had his nut sack wrapped in something that looked like a series of chrome rings which caused his sizable balls to strain at the bottom. His body was very nice (softly muscular, pretty) and I liked his black body hair. His skin was pale with just the right amount of fur in the center of his chest. His legs and ass were nicely furry as well.

He made it very clear that he didn’t want us to touch him at all. We were there to watch.

My friend and I had already been playing, so we just stood there, mostly naked, and watched as he slapped his big, fat, curved dick and strained balled sack around while rubbing up against the furniture in the room. I’m not sure how long it went on, nor do I remember if there was much dialogue. It was very primal and rather hot. For his grand finale, he got up and laid face down on a stainless steel counter. That counter top could not have been very warm (I remember seeing a breath of perspiration appear on the counter’s metal surface when his body came in contact with it – much like how one fogs up a window in Autumn by breathing on it), but I think the temperature difference and the feel of the steel is what got his blood roiling. Maintaining a position much as one would while doing push-ups, he proceeded to position his rigid ball sack perpendicular to the metal counter’s surface and press his weight upon it. He appeared to be putting in an incredible effort and really getting off on it, based on the tiny noises of joy he was making. His dick seemed to get bigger with each thrust as he bounced his balls against the flat surface. It was all so strained and tense. My eyes didn’t know which sight to focus on – that of his black-hair-covered ass thrusting up and down or his ever expanding, vibrating dick being choked with each press of his bound nads. With a final grind of his captive balls his dick pulsed, throbbing hot and wide. A feral groan escaped his lips as long, heavy white ribbons of cum splashed forth. It seemed to go on forever, but in fact was limited to 13 squirts (yes, I counted). It would have made for one hell of a facial.

I’m sure my jaw was on the floor. I had never seen anyone cum in that manner or shoot that amount before. I know my friend was awed as well. Not only was his mouth hanging open, but he’d also unleashed a load of his own onto the floor at approximately the same time as our mystery guest.

As soon as the guy was done, without disturbing the pool of cum he’d just so dramatically deposited, he slid off the counter, dressed quickly and left without saying a word. The little black dude with the huge dick that I’d been playing with left in short order as well.

They left me to clean up the mess - which was totally my pleasure. I could not get over the size of the pool of cum that was left on that counter. But alas, some things are not meant to last (or be repeated). A squirt or two of glass cleaner and a few wipes of a terry cloth towel later the whole thing became memory.

I never saw the dude again, or if I did, due to his stocking cap and dark glasses, I didn’t know it.

Anyway… that is the method of how I believe you are getting off, SICKO – by grinding/bouncing your balls on Santa’s knee until you achieve orgasm. So it begs the question – have you tried sitting on other people’s laps? If so, did it do anything for you? If not, give it a try. Or is it the whole Santa outfit that is the object of your affection/erection and gets your nads boiling?

Now to address your questions: Yes, it is horribly wrong of you to be sitting on Santa’s lap at your age in order to get your rocks off. Shame on you. It is crossing a line, although I’m sure there isn’t a statute on the books anywhere that says you can’t have an orgasm in the privacy of your own boxer briefs. That said, your method is devious and the intent rather scurrilous, so by all means wallow in your guilt and shame, you dirty, nasty little slut. You may as well keep doing it until you can no longer get away with it or someone catches on.

Oh great… now I can’t get the image of an out-of-shape, eagle’s nest festooned, 45 year old man, bouncing away on Santa’s knee at the local mall until he lose his nut. Thanks.

Are you hurting anyone (besides me)? Well, yes… sort of yourself, dude. You’re robbing yourself of opportunities to develop your adult sexual self and experience an orgasm that is not Santa-related.

My suggestion: if it is the Santa Suit that does it for you, then why not put an ad on Craigslist? I am sure there are a ton of large-bodied, older dudes who would totally get off on the idea of you shooting your load as you sit on their knee; guys only too happy to help you fulfill your fantasies. Why, you could even try it naked! That would be way hot… as you can tell from the story I just shared (and from the few clips of guys getting off via ball sack pressing on Xtube) hands-free orgasms are sexy shit and can be a hot experience for all involved.

So, let’s say you do find someone to help you get off year round. You will then need to keep in mind that you may need to pay it forward – i.e. that it is only fair that you indulge in something that gets their ring-around-the-rosie.

Or, you could pay it forward by sending me those twisted pics of you making nut on the ho-ho guy’s knee. I promise I won’t share them with anyone.

Well, that’s it. My advice. For what it’s worth. If anybody else has something they want me to take a shot at (advice-wise, I mean), please feel free to write me at uptonking@hotmail.com.

Hey, all you happy homos and sexually evolved breeders, thanks for reading. I want to wish you all a happy x-mas. May your horny holidays be filled with mistletoe kisses and sex fantasy wishes.

Until next time…