Acquired Tastes, XXVII: Daddies

Introduction:

There are certain men in this gay world of ours that just seem to gravitate towards the role of Daddy.  These men may be pumped up muscle gods or men with a softer type of body.  They may come with a great coating of fur or be smooth.  They may have a belly; they may be thin as a rail.  They may play the role of strict disciplinarian or that of a loving, gentle, cuddlier spirit.  Sometimes a good spanking is warranted; sometimes sound advice.  A Daddy may even be younger than the son, but is someone who has the balls to take on the role of being ‘Daddy’.  While age is typically a factor, it is not always a factor.  Bottom line, men who assume the role of Daddy tend to offer other men a source for comfort, guidance, and a benevolent touch…

…while serving up some kick-ass sex.

So let’s cast aside our ageist, rigid definitions – but not our rigid members, take a look deep within ourselves, and delve into the subjective nature of…

Daddies

Scope of Activity:

A sexual appreciation by gay men for men who offer a certain kind of comfort, guidance, and emotional/physical strength.  Age is irrelevant; however, typically this involves an older male – older being relative to the beholder’s age and mindset. 

This may include aspects, such as dominance, discipline, power play, role play, and sexual mentoring. 

This does not include Sugar Daddies (i.e. stupid, insecure, immature men who are willing to pay younger men for their company) or the stupid little cunts that think that is a way to get by in life.    

The Official Line:

From Wikipedia:

A father (or Dad) is defined as a male parent or Individual progenitor of human offspring. The adjective ‘paternal’ refers to a father. Related terms of endearment are Dad, Daddy, Pa, Pop or Pops.

Traditionally, fathers act in a protective, supportive and responsible way towards their sons. Involved fathers offer developmentally specific provisions to their sons throughout the life cycle and are impacted themselves by doing so. Active father figures may play a role in reducing behavior and psychological problems in young men. An increased amount of father–son involvement may help increase a son's social stability, educational achievement, and their potential to have a solid marriage as an adult. Their son may also be more curious about the world around them and develop greater problem solving skills. The father figure does not always have to be a child's biological father and some sons will have a biological father as well as a step- or nurturing father.

According to the anthropologist Maurice Godelier, the parental role assumed by human males is a critical difference between human society and that of humans' closest biological relatives—chimpanzees and bonobos—who appear to be unaware of their ‘father’ connection.

Psychological Aspects:

So, does defining a sexual partner ‘Daddy’ have anything to do with our biological fathers?  Yes, no, and maybe…

Incest is a type of role play that may involve individuals taking on the roles of ‘father’ and ‘son’ for the purpose of sexual fulfillment.  While such play may be included under the umbrella of ‘Daddies’, such play typically has little to do with our own fathers.  It more likely has to do with the ‘son’ creating a physical bond with an idealized version of ‘Daddy’.  In such instances any title of authority (Coach, Professor) may be substituted. 

Does this have to do with a sub-conscious desire on the part of the Son to reconcile needs unmet by his biological father?  In relationships based on a kind of emotional bonding?  Yes. In relationships where the roles of Daddy and Son are part of a role play scenario?  Probably not. 

A gay ‘Daddy’ may be a male identified as such by another gay male.  This branding can come due to either a set of physical characteristics significant to the beholder, or an emotional bond that is developed and significant to both.  It can also be based on behavior; Daddies may be strict disciplinarians or loving/cuddle monsters, or a combination of both.  Just as the physical characteristics that define a Daddy are wide in range, so, too, are the behaviors.  And while age may play a role in such a relationship, it just as easily may not.   So defining who is a ‘Daddy’ is really up to the Son or the beholder. 

There are men who exclusively define themselves as Daddies.  This tends to be based on physical characteristics and has nothing to do with role play.  Typically, these are men who are a bit older, and may have a similar body type to what is also defined as a Bear (body fur, beard, belly, etc.). 

 A Daddy may solely be defined as one who meets a certain emotional need in another gay man.  This may include discipline, mentoring, and nurturing.

Precautions:

• When dealing with someone older than yourself, please be mindful of and respect physical limitations.  Trying to force Daddy’s body to do something Daddy’s body no longer is capable of doing may result in injury, such as pulled muscles.

• When dealing with someone older than yourself, please refrain from belittling cultural references.  One man’s Skrillex  is another man’s Chic.  One man’s Lady Gaga is another man’s Madonna.  One man’s Tarantino is another man’s Peckinpah.  One man’s Zooey Deschanel is another man’s Mary Tyler Moore.  You get the idea…

• When dealing with a role play situation where the ages are too close to call, or reversed, do not do so many poppers that you forget who is playing the Daddy and who is playing the boy.  As in any good theatre, remaining in character is integral to the integrity of the production.  

My Experience:

I’ve been on both sides of the Daddy coin.  I’ve played with men I have called Daddy, and I have been called Daddy by others.  I have fucked Daddy.  Daddy has fucked me. 

Currently, playing the son or boy comes quite naturally to me; therefore, I frequently find myself playing boy to Daddies that are younger (sometimes much younger) than myself or close to my own age.  This can be fun, if a bit confusing. 

Playing Daddy as a top is easy.  I never get confused.  Playing boy as a bottom; I never get confused.  Playing Daddy as a bottom?  That I screw up on occasion.  I’d like to blame the poppers, but sometimes I confuse things and there are no poppers involved.  Like on Monday. 

Awhile back, I was invited to take part in a three-way by this pushy Asian college kid.  He’s too young for me, I told him so, and I thought that would be the end of it.  But he wouldn’t take no for an answer, roped one of his regulars into the scheme, and came up with a three-way.  I never turn down a three-way.  I just find the dynamics too interesting, so I accepted, thinking I would get tag teamed.  But no.  Turns out the other dude involved was… ummm...  He was handsome, but on the cusp of losing it due to what I suspect may be a drinking problem.  I know an Alkie when I kiss one.  He may look like the dude next door, but he’s keeping some demons down by trying to drown them in Jack Daniels. 

The Alkie has a big dick, but it never gets hard and he has no interest in fucking me without a condom, so based on the fact that his dick never gets hard, no condom can be put on, and I, therefore, assume he has no interest in fucking me at all.  He does get fucked by the cute, young, hot, tall Asian Dude, as do I.  The Asian Dude is throwing compliments my way throughout the fuck, much to the chagrin of his regular trick – who is closer to my age and getting his share of attention, but not getting any compliments.  To be fair, it’s hard to compliment someone who doesn’t get hard.  Yes, there are other things to focus on, but let’s face it… if you come to fuck; your tool needs to be in working order.

After fucking us both repeatedly, and me giving excellent head to both, The Alkie ends up getting the Asian Dude’s load, which is fine with me – easier clean-up for me.  But the three-way never gels.  Partly because the Asian Dude’s bedroom is such a fucking disaster (why do people think it’s okay to fuck around amongst piles of dirty clothes, text books, computer cables, and an absence of furniture?).   And partly because The Alkie is so emotionally removed from the world there is no connection, no chemistry, and little else.  I leave unsatisfied, placing the blame on The Alkie. 

Time will prove me wrong.

I also leave knowing that the Asian is hot for my ass and wants to hook up again.  He keeps texting me and I keep putting him off.  The messy bedroom thing is kind of a deal breaker for me.  Unless you’re going to stuff that dirty jock in my mouth, I don’t want to get fucked among piles of your dirty socks on a futon mattress on the floor.

On Monday: I have not been fucked or gotten naked with anyone for two weeks (unheard of for me, but there are lots of extenuating circumstances involved).  I want to get fucked.  Asian Dude hits me up.  He wants my ass.  My ass is ready, so I figure, what the fuck… go for it.  I get to his place.  The overall apartment is incredibly nicer-looking.  His bedroom, on the other hand, hasn’t changed at all.  I choose to ignore it.  At least he now has a glass fixture over the bare bulb in the ceiling.

Asian Dude – has a beautiful head of thick, black, spikey hair.  He is tall, thin, handsome, intelligent, quick, sharp, and a bit of a sex addict. He casually tells me that one of his regulars cancelled, so he jerked off in the meantime, but then thought to text me.  He wants to know if it’s okay if we just suck each other and he doesn’t cum.  Sorry, I’m there to get fucked.  I don’t bother telling him that for, in my heart I know that getting fucked is what is exactly what is going to happen before I leave his crappy apartment.

Back to that sex addict thing – the reason Asian Dude and I have not fucked, beside my reluctance to do so, has to do with his weird ass schedule – as in, he has no time, because he has so many regular fucks.  At one point he asked me to schedule a fuck date a month out.  I ‘LOL’ed and didn’t even bother responding. 

Then there is his whole attitude towards sex.  For him, it is the equivalent of taking a dump.  It is something you just do.  He keeps things minimal; little in the way of intimacy, little in the way of imagination and little in the way of conversation unless it has to do with your sexual performance or setting up a future fuck date.  It’s weird.  Hey, I’m all for anonymous sex (love it), but this is something else.  This is like… factory work.  Or taking a dump.

However, Asian Dude has a really nice dick and knows how to use it.  He’s also very blunt and to the point.  If he likes something, he tells you, if he doesn’t, he tells you that, too.  On this occasion he tells me that I have a ‘Hot Daddy’ thing going on.  I’ve played Daddy numerous times (and wrote about one such encounter on this blog… go find it).  But this is the first time that ‘Daddy’ is my defining characteristic.  I’m okay with it.  I’m of a certain age. He’s of a certain age. At least he said ‘hot’.  Let’s fuck.

I get on my knees and start sucking on him and within seconds the dude is hard as a rock.  “I’m gonna want to fuck you, now.”  Well, duh, I think.  That’s what I’m here for.  He eventually lies down on his back on the thin futon mattress in the corner.  I crawl between his spread legs and go to town.  He’s loving it and I… am not hating it.  Other than moaning, and telling me what a great cocksucker I am, he’s pretty much off in his own world.  This gives me an opportunity to assess his hairless body.  He has beautiful skin.  Very boyish muscles.  His dick is somewhat thick and about 7.5 inches. 

After I bring him to the edge a couple of times, he announces that he needs to fuck me now.  We negotiate positioning, only because he is not very good a communicating what it is he wants.  Turns out he wants doggy-style, with me face-down-into-the mattress and my ass in the air.  He lubes up and slides in. There’s something about all this that feels by-the-numbers – nothing wrong with it, but then, there are no surprises and he never paints outside the lines. 

He bangs away and starts referring to me as ‘Daddy’.  Because he is in the dominant role and behaving so emotionally distant, I get all confused and keep calling him ‘Daddy’.  Yeah… this ain’t working for me.  But it does for him… or at least my ass works for him, because he shoots and scores.  And then IMMEDIATELY bounces up, runs to the bathroom and jumps in the shower, leaving me there, among his dirty clothes, with a load dripping from my ass.  I grab one of his t-shirts and squeeze that load out.  Fuck him.  I hope he finds my little nasty-ass surprise on laundry day.

I get dressed and leave.  If I’m a ‘hot daddy’ then Daddy is miffed.  Daddy deserves better.  As I’m leaving, he wants to set up a future date.  I tell him to text me.  He does.  And he does.  And he does. 

It occurs to me later that the reason he wanted to know if it was okay that we just suck on each other and that he not cum was due to the probability that he had another trick arriving shortly after I left.  That would also explain the quick shower.  Needless to say… this Daddy is taking his ass elsewhere, son.

I don’t like fucking around with anyone under the age of 30.   And this is why.  I realize this is not exactly a great example of playing Daddy… but it is my most recent. 

So, I am not a good Daddy.  I am a good son.  That said, I stick to the term ‘Sir’ when addressing the dominant man fucking my hole.  It keeps things generic enough where I won’t get confused. 

So, while Daddy/Son role play works for me on occasion (again, find that older blog entry), being a Daddy?  Not so much.  And it’s not because I can’t embrace the whole age difference thing or the fact that I am getting older.  I love getting older. And love redefining what growing older means for a gay man.  There, I am not alone. Due to the prevalence of gym culture within gay culture, there are tons of men my age redefining what it means to age.  Also, we now live in a society where it is never okay to stop learning, and that is also keeping our world ‘young’. 

I find that as I am growing older, it takes a lot to overcome the prevailing notion that I am less sexually interesting as I age. 

Ageism is rampant in the gay community, just as it is in society as a whole.  Some men only value other men for their physical attributes. I can see how that mindset develops – being gay is a sexual identity, having sex is a part of being sexual and being gay, and people tend to want to have sex with ‘attractive’ (as defined by society) people.  So it stands to reason, in this youth driven culture of ours that folks believe that as we age, we become less ‘attractive’.  That is the typical mindset, but not necessarily a proper mindset.  It, of course, makes more sense to value people for who they are and what they have to contribute to the universe.  It makes more sense to value others in terms of the quality of the relationship we develop with them and not something as shallow as appearance.   

For those ageists among us, age is more than a number, it is a disqualifying factor.  Yep, they want boys, not men.  Is this due to an inability on their part to accept that they are aging?  Perhaps they have some pedophilic desires?  Or a need to be more established (richer, more accomplished) than the person they fuck?  Do they get off on robbing the young of their innocence?  Is it a relationship vampiric in nature – do they become young by association? 

Really?  Who the fuck cares. 

When I run into these douchebags on-line I just tell them to grow the fuck up and stop being such a creepy chicken hawk.   And what irks me about it, is not so much that they dig younger dudes, but that they discount, disavow, and reject older dudes – even though they ARE an older dude.  Fuck them. 

Okay, rant over.

Back to Daddies.  I like my Daddies to at least appear as old or older than me.  I like two types.  I like the fuzzy, furry, bearded Daddies with sweet rounded bellies, a lovely twinkle in their eyes, and wicked hard-ons in their pants.  I don’t mind a few pounds.  I don’t mind if there is hair growing out of their ears, or if they have an eagles nest, or weird hair growing in patches on their backs.  Just as long as that dick is wicked hard and they want to fuck me. 

The other type I like is the steely-jawed, chisled, hard-ass, Daddy.  Their bods may be athletic or muscular.  They may be smooth or Chewbacca-esque.  They can discipline me all they like – correct my behavior, direct my attention, spank and fuck my ass.  Their ass can be soft and flabby.  Their skin loosened by gravity.  I don’t mind if there is hair growing out of their ears, or if they have an eagles nest, or weird hair growing on their backs.  Just as long as that dick is wicked hard and they want to fuck me.

Yep… I will play boy… as long as you fuck me.

My Conclusion:

Wow… Daddies bring up all sorts of issues, huh?  It was all that I could do to keep this particular Acquired Taste on point, something I barely managed what with all the side rants and roads. 

Is Daddy an age thing?  A power thing?  A benevolence thing?  Is it sick?  Is it incest?  Is it role play?

For me… Daddy lies in the eye of the beholder.  And I think it is marvelous that the gay community has assigned such a role to other gay men… it is actually one of the psychologically healthier things that we do for one another.  For by doing so – we are saying – ‘We are all, our fathers.  We are all, our sons. We are all, our brothers.’ 

Psychologically healthy gay Daddies are what help keep our community happier and healthier.

So, tonight, when you hit the bar, the bathhouse, the sauna, or the gym, and you see someone that, in your eye, fits your idea of ‘Daddy’?  Be sure to give them a smile… if not a handshake, if not a kiss, if not a blow job, if not a real thorough fucking… because whether you appreciate them on a sexual level or not, those Daddies help make our little gay world a lot safer, saner, healthier and happier.