TMI Questions: Good Morning!
I used to be a night owl, but that changed about 20 years ago. Now, I’m a morning person.
The night owl thing? Probably due to years and years of theater (and booze) induced walking comas.
The morning person thing? Probably due to the fact that I finally, sort of grew-the-fuck-up and took on some real responsibility (Gee… I sound like my Dad!) Now? 6:00 am? I love it.
Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information
How many times do you hit the snooze button?
I don’t sleep with an alarm. Oddly, I wake up every morning, no matter how little sleep I have had, at 5:30 am. This rarely, rarely fails. And, no, I have no idea why. Maybe it’s internalized anxiety about getting a head start on the world? But I actually do get up at 5:30 and Monday thru Friday I am out of the house by 6:00 am and at the office by 6:30 – provided, of course that all three dogs cooperate and traffic is not totally screwed up.
On the weekends, I may choose to stay in bed until 8:00 am, but I wake up at 5:30 am first. I suppose it’s the dogs that serve as my alarm. The mentally-challenged one typically has to go out at some point in the middle of the night. He is also subject to night terrors (as am I). And my oldest is always wanting food and treats… and he’s very vocal about it.
What are the first 5 things you do after waking?
1/ Take care of dogs. Some mornings this takes more time than others. This always ends with the oldest following me to the kitchen for a treat. It’s his way of saying, ‘Good luck out there, dummy.’
2/ Bathroom stuff. Shave(face and butt) – some mornings this takes more time than others, as I have certain parts I have to shave every two days (shoulders, neck) and certain parts every three (balls). Buzz my head – and every two days upper arms, back, chest, and abs. Trim my beard-thing. Check ears, nose, eyebrows, and other odd areas for errant hairs. Brush teeth and floss. Shower. Moisturize face. This takes about 20 minutes.
3/ Get dressed. This used to mean, and on rare occasion still does, dress shirt, tie, dress shoes, etc. But I have relaxed my standards and adopted a black 501’s code with ‘Will and Grace’-type nondescript (dark – single color) long sleeve, crew cut top or a form-fitting, long sleeve top by Helix and boots. Friday is skinny jeans and a colorful horizontal striped shirt with boots. I used to try harder, but no longer in the mood to impress anybody.
4/ Grab bag, get in car, head to work. My commute is short, but I still hate it. Hate dealing with other people’s bad driving habits. People on cell phones is a big irk, as are people who think stop signs are optional and those that do not stop before turning on red. I have become ‘that old guy’ who honks at these people and wags his finger at other drivers. There are those mornings when they get just the one finger, non-wagging. (Yes… I have a tiny problem with road rage.)
5/ Arrive at work. Print calendar, make coffee (one cup only – but some days this is my whole motivation for showing up for work), and work my way through emails and develop my action plan for the day. Plain oatmeal with a banana mashed up into it to follow along with a glass of water.
How do you like your coffee?
I happen to like it black (like my men – oh, no you didn’t – oh, yes, I did – that is so lame – yeah, I know – then shut up). One cup only. Typically Columbian (like my… oh, shut up already, you are so lame), although, on rare occasions, I like the smell and taste of hazelnut coffee.
I don’t put things in it because I don’t need/like sugar, don’t need the calories, don’t like the chemicals.
That one cup? It gives my life a sense of purpose. Some mornings it is the only thing that makes waking up worthwhile.
How do you like your eggs?
Over easy (like my men – oh, why do you not shut up? Make that joke one more time and I am taking your laptop away from you!), over medium, scrambled, hard-boiled (my favorite). I don’t like cheese on eggs. And omelets? So over those.
Recently, my eggs are always hard-boiled. I like that there is no oil involved. It’s pure egg.
Exercise: Morning, noon or night or not at all?
Monday thru Friday: typically – 8:00 am is my gym hour, unless I have a class, then it is 11:00 am. I rarely miss.
On weekends, which I typically take off from the gym, I may go in at 10:00 am or 2:00 pm - if I have a guest and we want to fool around in the locker room (the place is empty on the weekends!). I don’t do this often (enough!). Weekends are for hiking. And that is enough exercise for the weekends.
Do you do brunch?
I will go, if forced to. One cup of coffee and then I switch to herbal tea. I will have a small salad or fruit and an egg with some dry toast or bread. I don’t go to buffets because they encourage me to overeat and make me anxious. For some reason I morph into this weird ‘competition-for-food’ mode and erroneously believe that I must consume as much as possible and get there before everybody else or there won’t be enough food. Yes, I know it’s illogical, and no, I don’t know where this comes from, and no, I don’t want my head shrunk – been there, done that.
How do you like morning sex?
Morning wood is not my favorite wood - it is hard as a rock, but lacks sensation.
When I was young and stupid and stayed up until 2:00 am? Hell, yeah. But it was never very satisfying. Morning orgasms feel different that evening ones. The skin on my dick was typically still feeling the aftereffects of the friction from the night before. Plus, if I cum in the morning, I always feel a bit cheated. It’s sort of an empty-feeling orgasm. That said, I was a diehard top back then and, ummm…. butts were not always dick-ready, if you get my drift.
Now that I am old and stupid?
Hmmm. Well, considering I never sleep with anyone (other than my dogs), I never wake up with someone, so morning sex for me involves getting my ass out of bed and setting something up on-line. Which I used to do. A lot. I used to get up insanely early in the morning so I could meet this one dude for sex in the woods, under the guise of ‘going for a run’. Or I would, on the weekends see who was up and about.
However, I stopped doing the on-line thing for one very good reason – most of the dude’s looking for sex at 6:00 am have been up all night doing some kind of stimulant (meth) and have been used at least once, or can’t get it up, or can’t cum. So after showing up for a few morning rendezvous, recognizing that the person was ‘methed’ up, and having to say, thanks, but no thanks… I have simply stopped trying.
As for my early morning in the woods/run fun? That was always problematic as well. Douching in the morning and hoping to get some kind of guaranteed results? From my experience, not possible. Plus, morning dew is cold. Bugs wake up early, too. Everything feels wet and cold. So, after a bit, that whole adventure lost its appeal, too. Then my friend moved away, so… end of story.
Another reason morning sex has never worked for me? I like fresh breath. I like brushing my teeth as soon as I get up. I like getting out of bed. I just spent a good eight hours in that bed – that is not sexy to me. Shower sex is fun. But not in the morning, for the reason provided in the previous paragraph re: douching.