TMI Questions: In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love…

I have been working on this since the questions were published.  It could be ‘the state I’m in’, which is subject to change without notice, but I am really struggling with these questions.  A kind of grey cloud has settled inside my chest and doesn’t seem to want to dissipate any time soon.

I thought the answers would have come so easy, or that I would have a lot to say about this particular subject… but they didn’t and, while I may have a lot to say, I have no desire to share.

Whaaa???

Me? The great over-sharer? 

But it’s true.

This topic is too hard for me.  I’ve never been able to wrap my head around why love works or why it doesn’t.  I think that may be true for many of us.  Perhaps the key is to not overthink the whole thing.

Typically, my reaction when faced with something like this would be to remain incredibly glib and slip by without revealing anything; it may not be truthful, but it tends to be entertaining enough. 

But this? 

This simply hits too close to something: things that should remain buried.

Children shouldn’t play with dead things.

TMI QUESTIONS:

Questions designed to reveal Too Much Information

Link: http://tmiquestions.blogspot.com/

TMI Questions: In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love…

Who was the first person to say, "I love you!" to you?

Probably my Mom. 

The first gay guy to say it was an actor from the Guthrie.  Hoo-boy, did we fall in love.  Hard.  Crazy, stupid love.  I was such a drama queen.  I was seventeen, a freshman in college, and he was 18 years older than I, and only the second dude I’d ever had sex with.  A full-blooded Italian with eyes to die for, I thought (and still do) that he was beauty personified. 

He wanted me to move to New York to be with him and I freaked out big time, so unprepared was I for life; it terrified me.  My mother also figured in there somewhere, as well as the whole Catholic / going to hell thing. 

I broke his heart.  And mine.   

I was such a stupid kid, but then, he really should have known better… I mean, given the same circumstances, I would know better than to get involved with a small town youth, especially after learning how naïve I was.

Still, I often wonder how my life would have turned out if I had grabbed that particular brass ring. 

But I don’t kid myself.  With my luck?  I’d have died in the mid 80’s.

So much for romantic notions.

Who was the first person you said, "I love you!" to?

Probably my Mom.

First lover?

The actor.  I don’t know who said it first, but it was horribly mutual.  And horribly sincere.

It scarred me, and I did not attempt another relationship with a man for seven years. Part of me kept hoping he’d make some grand gesture and try to rescue me, but, fact is, I was beyond rescuing. 

I spent a large chunk of that period on emotional life support.

Love at first sight or a love that grows?

First sight.  Always. 

If the attraction isn’t there from the get go, the whole soufflé is destined to fall.  And that goes for sexual compatibility as well.  I mean, you can nurse something that isn’t quite right for a long, long time – if you’re stubborn, or are certain that some aspect of the relationship is worth overlooking the rest – but in the end… it’s gonna end. 

Been there, done that.

But, love at first sight?  That stuff sweeps away everything in its path, like a tsunami. 

Everything… including common sense.

Ah, fools get lucky.

I know, I did.

Who was the love that got away?

Josh.

I just realized why it was that I have been dragging my heels, answering these questions; this topic, it’s not about love… this is about heartache.

I guess, on this side of life, that’s to be expected.  If one has lived.  And, I did, Mrs. Burnside… I did.

So, Josh… sweetest man.  I was a dumb bunny at the time; convinced that theatre was more important than anything else in the world.  So prideful was I, I moved away, after a total career-killing disaster, to isolate myself in the quiet of Iowa.  I thought he’d follow – that was the plan, only he didn’t. 

Anyway… I did a number on his heart, I fear.  He’s gone now… died ten years ago?  I never got to own all my shit.  I would visit him in Seattle and start to talk about it, but he would sweep it under the rug – not because I was blameless, but because I think it was too painful for him to talk about. 

He fell of the wagon and then fell of the face of the earth.  I made attempts to rescue him, to reason with him, but he was really so tired of life by that point, he couldn’t  bother with it anymore.

I will never be so careless with another human being as long as I live.

Hmmm… hindsight is a great teacher, but it is also one hell of a buzz kill.

One true love or more than one? 

More than one… fortunately.

I tend to be ‘all-in’, if I see potential.  That can be off-putting, I’m sure, but I’m more cautious these days. 

I’ve been very fortunate, in love. That anybody thought to love me at all? 

A freaking miracle.

Have you ever regretted saying, "I love you."?

Nope.

Even when it hurt.  Even when it wasn’t respected.  Even when it wasn’t returned.  Even when it ended in humiliation. 

What’s life without taking a few risks?

Are love songs silly?

Love them. 

Of course, my definition tends to run a little bittersweet. 

I think that is the nature of love.  We get love, but it costs us, somehow / something.  We sacrifice our time, our focus, our desires… there’s always some kind of inner-conflict running beneath the whole affair.

But, hopefully, that’s part of my past… part of the learning curve.

For the first time in my life I’m allowing it to be easy.  The whole concept of ‘easy to love’ has escaped me… but at this late point in the game, I think I might be getting the hang of it.

And that’s the thing about love… and love songs: Hope.  Love always holds out that hope… and love songs – they promote it. 

I would like to think that life was all about work – what we accomplish here.

But if it’s not love-based, then what the hell are you doing with your life except satisfying your own ego? 

What's your favorite love song?

Hmmm.  That is a hard one. 

I will give you a list of my current faves:

Come to Me – Goo Goo Dolls

Say Something – A Great Big World

End of the World – Matt Alber

And some classics:

You Can Close Your Eyes – James Taylor

Heart Like A Wheel – Linda Ronstadt

Intimacy – Bruce Roberts

Fools Get Lucky – Barry Manilow

Who Knows Where the Time Goes? – Sandy Denny

Heartbreak Warfare – John Mayer

My Valentine – Jim Brickman feat. Martina McBride
To Deserve You  - Bette Midler
In This Life - Bette Midler
The Way of Love - Cher
Love Tried To Welcome Me - Madonna
You Can Have Me Anytime - Boz Scaggs
My Funny Valentine - Sarah Vaughn
I Don't Want To Fight - Tina Turner
Pretending To Care - Jennifer Warnes

There are so many more, but those come to mind today.

And then there are the really hokey ones, like “Love Lifts Us Up Where We Belong”.  But I rarely go there anymore.  Some of those songs are so ‘on the nose’ they end up stinking after a while.

"Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs...

...What's wrong with that?"

Are you a romantic?

Yes.  A horrible, horrible, bleeding heart, heart-on-sleeve, on my knees, swooning romantic.

A run-up-the-credit-cards, ditch-that-class, skip work, travel-anywhere, sacrifice anything romantic.

Yep… I’m a total idiot.

I can live with that.

Bonus

Have you ever said, "I love you." in the heat of sex?

Well, it has slipped out of course (no pun intended). 

When it does I simply do a quick cover… such as…. “I love you… and the way you fuck me with your big, fat cock.”

Sometimes they buy it.

Does that count?

Ha!  Not even, bud.