A Return to Form...

Hi…

Remember me?

Well, I don’t. Much.

But, seeing as how we are all stuck in the middle of something we can’t get out of, I thought, what the hell? Why not start writing this blog again? But then I started to actually think about what this blog has been about: its purpose, its focus… It seems to have gone through a few phases.

In the beginning it was just a place to experiment. I even posted the paper I wrote so I could graduate Magna Cum Laude Dah… or whatever that was, back when I finally finished my business degree.

And my very first post? well, that incident yielded repercussions that are still being felt to this day.

But I digress…

Then it was a hardcore sex blog (my personal favorite kind of blog); sort of a personal journey, but then I also used it as a means of exploring various aspects of sex that had long intrigued me. There was a treasure trove of erotic images that I collected to be shared. There were lots of personal stories about sexual encounters and actual stats that I used to keep track of to share related to those trysts. That all made sense at the time because I was super sexually active during that period.

Think of a candle that is burning brightest just before it snuffs itself out. That’s what it felt like.

Then there was an incident that changed everything, that I could not bring myself to write about. It left me devastated and truly frightened. That led to a whole bunch of very poor decisions on my part, making everything even worse. During that time period this blog became about music, because I love music (I am still writing songs to this day) and it turned out to be a safe place to land.

And then, everything blew up and I simply couldn’t share any more of myself.

In order to salvage the basics - my job, my home, my primary relationships, anything deemed non-essential had to be jettisoned.

Through it all, even the good old sexy days, behind the scenes there were so many tortured dialogues going on:

• Was I sexually liberated or just a slut?  
• Should I be ashamed of being a slut?
• When does obsession become self-harm?  
• Am I having any fun?  
• Am I acting out?  
• How many times can you run to your doctor for an STI test before you come off like a nut job?
• Is it okay to collect STI’s? Kind of like sexual merit badges?
• When am I going to be too old to behave the way I am?  
• At what age will I be deemed a troll?  
• Am I a troll?  
• Is my behavior putting others at risk or harming others?  
• How much energy am I expending keeping this whole thing afloat?  
• Is there something better I could be doing with my time?

In the course of this last phase, my Dad passed away.  I was his secondary caregiver and so much of my time and energy went into his final years.

I was exhausted.

I couldn’t hit the reboot button. I just unplugged the machine.

Anyway… I came out on the other side about a year ago.  So much has changed, but I think everyone else that truly matters in my life is okay with who I am. And that mattered for a long time because it took me awhile to find my feet.  

My current cast is quite small.  My Mother, My Someday-to-be-ex-husband/business partner, My boyfriend of 6 years (we have an open relationship) and, currently… that is it. I am still close to my two youngest sisters and a brother-in-law, though I don’t see much of them.

I have lost all my friends. High school, college, theatre, college, L.A/Honolulu, work, theatre again, college again, work again… all gone. I am okay with that. I’d rather be alone.  

Oh - I traveled! Last year I went to Cancun. FUN! And last July I spent two weeks in Europe - Amsterdam, Berlin, Vienna and Rome. I love travelling. So plan on doing more of that. I am also finally in a position, financially, to do it.

I think a lot about retiring, although that is a good ten years down the road. When the time comes, I will be fine.

I am a vegetarian. I was a pescatarian for years. But a year and half ago, that changed.

Very much an atheist these days. For the sake of my parents, when my Dad began to fail and I moved them into a house across the street from me, I made a go of trying to be Catholic, again. I tried for three years, seemed like thirty. Could you ask as much of any other man?

But, yeah, given the state of the world… and, let’s be honest, it has always been a shit hole, I simply can’t believe there is a higher power up there unless he fucks with us for shits and giggles. And then there is the behavior of his followers: his priests, pastors, politicians, rabid Trumpsters, etc. Deplorable, indeed.  

I mean, let them all be who they want to be. I just wish they would return the courtesy. Right?

You want to believe in a magic unicorn that died so you can use him as a wish machine, live in a house you will never own and drive a big fuel burning monster truck… hey… have at it. But I won’t march in your parade, so don’t piss all over mine. (Oh, wait… that sounds kind of fun.)

I play piano and have a set list of 47 memorized songs. I am not a good piano player, maybe adequate? At best? Nor am I a consistent singer… but, when my sinuses allow it… I have my moments.  

I continue to write songs on occasion. But stopped writing anything else after my flashdrives with all my writings were crushed under car wheels. That felt like karma, at the time. Heavy, heavy karma.

It still does.

So, my second novel never got completed. It sort of orphaned the first one. And, of course, all my sex stats and blog musings were gone… poof.

That sort of standstill… has prevented me from bothering to write. The way I got into writing was this blog and going back to college… it gave me a certain level of competence and confidence to write and finish that first novel. So, I was thinking maybe if I started writing this blog again…

But… baby steps. Baby steps.

And I never stopped being sexually active. It’s tempered quite a bit. The need/desire is no longer daily. I no longer think more is better. And I certainly have expanded my horizons kink-wise, embracing my acquired tastes and seeking out like-minded individuals. Thank you Grndr and Scruff and BBRTS!

I continue to work out… it varies - 4-6 days a week. I go through phases of zumba/step/strength/weights/jogging… whatever. I want to remain sexually active and attractive (to someone) for as long as I can. But I don’t do it for them. I do it for me. Best sex happens when you feel really good about yourself.

And thank you, science! PREP is the best thing to happen to our little gay nation. That and the whole U=U movement. I know, I know… we are just feeding the dastardly pharmaceutical companies, but, if you are blessed enough to have insurance (THANKS, OBAMA!), I can’t see a reason not to imbibe. Now, if we could just come up with a pill that also prevented the whole cache of STI’s, well, I know of one little horny homo who would sleep a lot better and be a lot less anxious.

Anyhoo…

Other than check this for glaring typos, I am just gonna let this little bird fly. I don’t feel like self-censoring myself these days. I have really come to embrace what it means to be candid. So, I will share as much as I am legally able.

And if no one else cares anymore, or can be bothered to read this… that’s okay.

I don’t do this for you.

I do it for me.