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2014/05/02

Warming Trends


Weather-wise, Minnesota is due for a warming trend.  After two weeks of cloud cover and rain, the sun might peek out today – in more ways than one. 

The boyfriend seems to be a bit better.   He is still in pain and eating remains an ordeal, but he is finally getting some nourishment and things are looking up.

Last night I made him some potato soup, nice and creamy.  He seemed to enjoy it. 

Then we watched the Japanese horror film ‘Hansel and Gretel’; very Twilight Zone, very engaging.  I didn’t take much away from it, other than: it’s important to not get stuck in a place that feels safe, where only part of your needs is being met.  And… that at some point it’s time to put on your big boy pants and grow up, or you risk becoming frozen in time, your true needs gong forever unmet.

It’s been six months since I left what I considered my safe place. 

I don’t regret it. 

Everyone in my life may still have issues with the decision, but I am happier for it.  The new adventures it has afforded me help me to justify and deal with all the guilt I’ve been feeling.  I’ve even managed to find a happy balance while fulfilling all my obligations and ensuring that everybody’s needs are being met. And, of course, having the boyfriend in the picture helps, too.

The nice thing? 

I am able to see things from the perspective of others.  I understand why they are upset.  I understand their fears.  Change is hard and when people feel insecure they tend to not behave their best.  I can deal with that. What they fail to see is that they are now going get a better, healthier me, much more present than I was before.

It was my own behavior that absolutely had to change.

It has.  And I’m so relieved. 

Looking back, I’m not sure where I was heading, but it wasn’t a good place. I certainly was not happy where I was, nor, despite all my claims to the contrary, did I like myself much.

It was a lot of work… hooking up constantly.  And it ate up a lot of my time and energy.  Fraught with fear and anxiety, I was only getting part of what I needed. It was like a steady diet of junk food; eating, but not receiving any nourishment.  I was going through the motions of intimacy without receiving anything real, any sort of sustenance.   

It took its toll on my relationships with others and on my psyche.  Repairing all that… that is going to take some time, work that I am just now feeling strong enough to undertake.

I am very grateful that the boyfriend is in my life.  He has become my balm, the warmth that I have yearned for.  He has helped remind me who I truly am. I hadn’t realized how cold I had become.

With a glimmer of spring finally appearing and my newfound sense of self, I am thinking that warmth can now be found beyond only his arms.  Yes, it will take some convincing, for others remain wary, but I think I’m up to the challenge.

You see, you have to teach people who you are.  And it’s important that you be a gentle educator while doing so.  I guess that’s where the warmth comes in.  You can’t rely on the sun to provide it, or the arms of someone else…

…it has to come from within.

Here’s to the start of my own personal warming trend.

Enjoy your weekend.
















3 comments:

anne marie in philly said...

:)

don't you even listen to what anyone else says about your new boyfriend. as long as you like yourself, everyone else can go to hell. it took me many years (and therapy) to learn this lesson.

Peepity Peep said...

I had no idea there was so much happening in your life. Mine has likewise been in turmoil, so I can identify and reflect. All the best to you,

SC

BlkJack said...

I too went through a lot with friends and family withmy guy. His family could accept him being gay just not with a black man. It took time but we are now a great family on both sides.
Jack