Wednesday's Question Of The Day: Quality Of Life

Wednesday's Question Of The Day: 

Quality Of Life

Hump day? Well, I'll give you something to ponder.

Yes, it's time for Wednesday's Question Of The Day.

Each Wednesday, a new question to give you the opportunity to do a bit of self-examination.  Think of it as a way of getting to know all about you and a chance to learn a little more about me. 

That's right. You know me; spill that tea! For I am the king of over-sharing!

Oh, and please leave your responses in the comments section. 

Why, think of this as a little blogging kiki!

Okay! Ready, set... 

Here's today's question:

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

Gee, you want five, don't you? Five things. I do. I want five things. But just one. Well... I don't think it's going to be the one you expect.

It's not money - for, as Annie Lennox once sang, money can't buy it.

Nope, I am going with...

Self-Confidence.

I don't know where self-confidence comes from. 

Are you born with it? I was not. 

Is it a matter of privilege? Status, caste, class, social position? Is it something you naturally possess but gradually erodes over time due to the toxic people you come in contact with during your developing years? Can it actually be physically beaten out of you?

Again. I don't know. I have never found the answer to this one. And I have been aware of my lack of it for centuries. I've read the books. I've listened to the teachings. I've explored every avenue. Therapy. Religion. Pharmaceuticals. Career development. On and on... It's a want I have always had, a need that has thus far gone unfulfilled, and one I have come to accept as unattainable at this stage in the game. 

Instead? I do as I have always done: I fake it, until I make. 

Faking it? Well, it robs any accomplishment of its authenticity. Rather than proud (what is that?), I live in fear of being found out; branded an imposter - my incredibly tiny crowns taken away from me. 

And when I fail? Well, what else did I expect?

I live my life waiting for the me that has yet to arrive. 

Oh, I carry on. Sometimes like a fool. I find moving forward preferable to wallowing in the stank of self-recrimination, fear, self-loathing, and *gasp* self-pity. But I can never move forward fast enough to escape that nagging sense of never having actually earned anything in my lifetime. 

I believe that self-confidence is the missing factor. Not having it has robbed me of ever experiencing 'success' as defined by the world around me. Yes, I realize we ultimately have the power to define success for ourselves, and I have (had to), but there is the larger picture, the one with all the tangible rewards others deem the signs of true success. 

Living without self-confidence? It takes its toll. I've come to doubt everything about myself. It's there in my posture for all the world to see. If something works out - it's good luck. If it doesn't - bad luck. Except, like religion and magic and magical thinking, I no longer believe in luck. Instead, I've come to accept the randomness of life. 

For, no matter how disciplined I am, no matter how hard I try to hone a skill, develop a talent, achieve a goal... ultimately, without self-confidence, I resort to practicing a form of self-fulfillment in the form of self-defeat and self-sabotage. 

So, that is the one thing I wish I had - self-confidence - as I believe it would make all the difference. 

Maybe I'm fooling myself. 

But I don't think so. 

I'm many things. 

But I'm not a stupid person.

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Money Can't Buy It - Annie Lennox