Wonderland Burlesque's More Than A Matter Of Taste Quiz

Wonderland Burlesque's

More Than A Matter Of Taste Quiz

With more of us getting out there again, braving a world still dealing with Covid-19, we're returning to the public activities we used to enjoy without a second thought. 

One such interest? Eating in restaurants.

I've been going out to eat for years to a variety of restaurants. Still, I do not consider myself 'a foodie' as I frequently run into food descriptions I cannot decipher and ingredients I cannot pronounce or have a clue as to what they might be. My Ex was in the hospitality industry for years and knows everything about everything when it comes to restaurants, so for 20 years I enjoyed eating and learning about food while at his side. So, you would think I would be a bit more knowledgeable about restaurants, but my brain only holds so much information and a lot of what I was exposed to passed by my eyes and sailed through my ears without leaving so much as a fingerprint

Today, I want to hear your thoughts and opinions regarding the variety of dining out options at your disposal. I want to hear about your past experiences and learn a bit concerning your own personal taste when it comes to choosing a restaurant. Focus on the food and the décor. We'll be covering the service at a later date.

Call it curiosity. Call it consumer research. Call it what it is... an excuse for another Wonderland Burlesque Quiz!

I've done my best to cover all the bases and provided a couple of examples for certain types of restaurants, so you'll know what I'm referring to. If something is missing, tell me about it in the comments section. 

Now, give me the 411 on your personal preferences and experiences. In other words...

Let's dish! 

1/ Fast Food (McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC)

Those of you that are regular readers of this blog know where I stand on this type of food.

It's a definite 'no.' 

McDonald's has been on my enemy list for a long time, as I don't consider what they serve as food (although their coffee is pretty tasty once it has cooled down to a drinkable temperature.) 

When I lived in Cali, I was enamored with Taco Bell's Seven Layer Burrito, as it was a vegetarian option that was inexpensive and easy to grab... but, after an incident with their food about 15 year ago, they have been verboten.

In general, I don't like the interiors of fast food restaurants. Sound simply ricochets off all those once-shiny, now grimy surfaces creating a din that's like being rolled around in a bag of broken glass.

No thanks.

And then... there's the matter of the other patrons. Let's put aside the surly individuals toiling away at slave wages behind the counter - that's for another quiz - but the patrons are... well, America. In other words? Frightening as hell. Zombie apocalypse time. People walk in wearing pajamas and slippers. And children. Everywhere. Like roaches. 

And the restrooms?

No. Not my people. Not my kind of place. Not my kind of food. NEXT!

2/ Food Courts At Malls, Cafeterias

See: Fast Food. 

The surfaces are even shinier. The food, even more suspect. How long has that vegetable egg roll been sitting under that heat lamp, kid? 

The food is always weirdly watery and bland. And that's if I find something I can actually eat. I can always go with a salad, but... the greens tend to be so dry they're mere moments away from being dehydrated. 

The seating, which is made of what - Legos? - always makes me feel like I am trying to meld my body into some weird shape in order to remain seated.  There's almost always way too much light with ceilings so high you expect fighter jets to fly overhead. And the noise. It's either deafening, if the mall is popular, or... eerily still. As in, don't go to the bathroom alone.

The other guests? Sullen teens, bickering families, groups of suburban moms sporting athletic wear they should not be wearing, and odd, single men who, upon further examination, you'll understand why they are alone. 

This is a pass for me. 

I'd rather wait and eat something at home. 

As for cafeterias? No. The food always feels frozen in time - as if it will be there, on that plate, wrapped in Saran wrap long after I've left the building (and this earth.)

Also? If I need to stand in line and help myself? 

You need to pay me.

3/ Chain Restaurants (Applebees, Perkins, Olive Garden)

No one takes pride in a chain restaurant. If you don't own the chain or manage the chain restaurant in question? You don't care. Everything is somebody else's responsibility. 

Cleanliness is a huge issue for me, especially at chain restaurants. They are food factories (and we'll get to the food in a minute) where guests are little more than interchangeable fodder for the questionable furniture which all appears to have been born of medieval times when everything was made to last until the end of time and weigh a great deal in order to stem thievery. Also made to last? That coat of stickiness that clings to every surface. It doesn't matter that they've never served a single pancake during their storied existence, that table top feels as if you could trap flies and small rodents on its surface. 

The carpets, once bright and cheery(?) eventually dull to a muted grey sludge. 

Or they opt to go with a 'warehouse' esthetic, with concrete floors so cold and unwelcoming, and tables and chairs made of stainless steel piping - do I really want to eat there? 

The décor tends to veer between the pathetically snooze-inducing esthetics of an airport lounge (why is everything hunter green?) or an assault on our appreciation for nostalgia (did they really screw an I Love Lucy lunchbox directly to the wall?)

As for the 'food'? If it's not over-spiced, covered in a glaze or sauce, deep-fried, or boiled in a plastic bag? You go hungry. Don't dare ask for a special order or to eliminate something - this stuff is pre-made and, apparently, therefore above reproach or open to reinterpretation or alteration. 

Am I being fair? No. Are there exceptions? Probably.

But...

Pass.

4/ Family Restaurants, Diners (Tooties, Papas, The Lowry Cafe)

These can range from those that are extremely fun, comfy, cozy, meet your every expectation to... 

How the hell do these people stay in business?

My preference is for those of the 'mom-and-pop' variety, or the ones owned by the man behind the grill. They tend to be quirky and tailored to their clientele. The menus are full of comfort food, some of which can be adapted for a vegetarian. No, they don't get many of those in there, which is why it's not uncommon for me to end up eating mashed potatoes and steamed frozen vegetables for dinner. I also get a side salad, because it will be the only green thing on the menu that does not come with a chunk of meat. They also tend to be overly generous with things like gravy and salad dressing - which is why 'dressing on the side' became a thing.

The booths tend to be comfortable and clean, while... who can resist the lure of one of those round little chrome and vinyl stools populating the counter? And coffee? Count me in. If there are enough regulars demanding extra refills, then it will be fresh and hot. 

Well, that's my 1940's/1950's daydream.

The reality? 

Oh, please... why don't these places ever invest in their infrastructure? I don't want to sit at a booth held together with duct tape that almost, but not quite, matches the original vinyl. If that cup has a chip in it, maybe it should not be on my table, but in the trash. And speaking of trash... maybe you could empty the ones in your restrooms more often than once a month. 

I have horror stories to tell about one of the places The Ex and My Mother refuse to give up on. The restrooms were so horrific the walls behind the urinals were disintegrating. And if the restrooms look like that? You know the kitchen is worse. It was obvious to just about anybody who set foot in the place that there was a health inspector who was eating and drinking for free every night a that particular establishment. Otherwise, there was no earthly explanation for the violations the joint seemed to flaunt with great ennui. 

Fortunately (?) there was a kitchen fire. It happened at night when no one was there. The place had to close down and once the fire marshal and a bunch of building inspectors got involved, a complete renovation was ordered to bring the place up to code. Well, the owner got the insurance money and then half-asssed the improvements. Oh, the restrooms are now new (though not clean) and I assume the kitchen is, too, but when it came to the dining room he did the bare minimum. Oddly, they get voted Best Burgers In The Twin Cities almost every year. Best Wings, too. The rest of the food, though? Well, its a lot like that dining room renovation. 

Yep, they do the bare minimum. 

5/ Drive-ins 

I like the nostalgia of it all. Those menu boards with the speakers. Those little side tables only families sit at. That quaint 'T' top roof you park under. The tiny size of the actual restaurant part. It warms my heart. Happy days, indeed. But the reality?

I don't want to eat in my car. 

And more importantly...

My car does not want me to eat in it. 

It is more than happy to take me wherever my heart desires to get a bite to eat, but do not slop burgers dripping with condiments on its seats or touch its door handles with french fry greased fingers. 

It doesn't slop oil and gas all over you... 

Unless you like getting under the hood. 

And, if  you do like that sort of thing?

You better make her her engine purr!

6/ Food Trucks, and  Festival, Fair or Amusement Park Vendors 

Food trucks. You see them everywhere now. Every parking lot and main street. Some are trendy, some are homey, some are little more than rust buckets. And some of them? Offer great vegetarian and vegan food! Best wedding I ever went to was on a farm, and two food trucks catered the event. One served meat, the other was vegetarian and vegan. I was in heaven. They had some awesome choices and I just kept going back to try something new. 

Yes. That truck was bright, shiny and new, as were the people serving up the food. 

When it comes to food trucks? You best trust your instincts. Look at the condition of the truck and factor in the hygiene of the person serving up the grub, and you'll know what to expect. 

Same goes for festival, fair or amusement park food vendors. While you might be pleasantly surprised at a festival - which typically serves food of the same quality as a food truck, I can guarantee you that whatever food Harley's Gnarly Amusement Park has to offer or anything you eat at the state fair is going to be hastily and indifferently prepared, served and consumed - not to mention over-priced. So, save yourself the dough, indigestion and possible food poisoning and wait until you get home to eat. 

But it's part of the experience, you whine...

Yeah, well, so is diarrhea. 

7/ Coffee Bars

W-wha-why would you go to a coffee bar and 'eat?' 

Do you go to a car wash to have your sofa reupholstered? 

It makes no sense. 

Yes. I have met someone for coffee and been seduced by those little squares and circles of well-appointed flour and sugar. I may have also thought that nutrition lurked between those cellophaned crusted halves brimming with spouts and cucumber slices that claim the title 'sandwich.' 

But don't be fooled. 

Once you touch that plate or unwrap that sandwich? Only disappointment and a sense of loss (as in your hard-earned cash, my dear) will you find. 

That stuff sits in a glass case for a reason. 

It all belongs in a museum. 

Like mummies.

8/ Specialty Restaurants (Sushi, Asian, Mexican, Middle Eastern, Tapas)

These can be fun. A little narrow in scope, but.. I much prefer that rather than leaf my way through eighteen pages of everything ever defined as 'food.' 

And, not only do these people know their stuff, as in food specialty? They also know that they have to appeal to a wide variety of pallets and diets. I can go to a sushi restaurant and eat sushi. There's no fish or seafood in it, just avocado and cucumbers surrounded in rice wrapped up in seaweed. So, I get to dip those pretty little things in all the shoyu and wasabi with ginger I want to.

Same goes for Asian and Mexican and Tapas... I never have trouble finding something interesting and within the theme to eat.

So, I tend to gravitate towards restaurants of this nature. I'm more likely to get the type of experience I'm going to enjoy. 

And tapas? What a wonderful idea. Small plates to share. Eating with others should be a communal experience, an exchange of food, thoughts, ideas and energy. I love it when people are as enthused as I am to try something new, even if we end up not caring for it much. 

I also find the atmosphere and décor to be typically less ambitious, but done with great care. I end up being very comfortable, while enjoying interesting food prepared with care while having a lovely time in the company of another.

That said, these are also the places where I am most likely to not know what a particular ingredient might be, or to leave feeling like I probably ordered the wrong thing, yet again.

9/ Experience Restaurants (Rainforest Cafe, Fondue, Betty Dangerous' Animal Farm, The Mystery Cafe,) or Theme Restaurants (50's Grill, Planet Hollywood, Hardrock Cafe) or (*gasp*) Sports Bars

I went to Disneyland once. 

Once was enough. 

How do I know? I went a second time.

Experience restaurants terrify me. 

Because they attract families with children. 

Also? Sets. Lighting. Costumes. Actors. 

I hate theatre.

And rules. Those places come with a lot of rules. 

And children. Lots of loud, misbehaving children.

They also come with menus filled with 'cleverly' named food items which reveal themselves to be nothing more than the boil-a-bag stuff you can get at an Olive Garden for a fraction of the cost. 

But, 'It's the experience...' you say? 

So is murder/suicide.

As for Theme Restaurants... 

Gluing things to your walls or putting a t-shirt some minor celebrity signed in a frame behind glass and shining a spot light on it, or pretending its another decade does not entice me to eat at your establishment in any way, shape or form. 

That's called 'An Evening With My Aunt Shirley.' Shirley is over eighty years old, glues sea shells on her kitchen cupboards for tropical flare, has a framed 'autographed' photo of Elvis Presley which she bought on the Home Shopping Network and proudly displays in her living room, and believes it is still 1961 (because Eisenhower is the only president that made any sense) which is why all the food she serves in her home looks and tastes like it is from 1961.

And Sports Bars? With all those blaring televisions?

Puh-leez! Just who do you think you're talking to?

10/ Supper Club? Fine Dining?

Oh, gawd... gawd, yes.

Is there a bar? A full bar? 

Then, yes. 

No children?

Then, yes.

Fuck children. 

(No, not in that way... well, you know what I mean.)

Are the lights sufficiently dimmed to a warm amber glow?

Then, yes.

Will the music playing in the background remain in the background and not interfere with the casually-voiced conversation of consenting adults? Is it from an era when the English language had not yet been reduced to slogans, sayings, jargon, curse words and things you have to look up in The Urban Dictionary?

Then, yes.

Is the seating such that one would be comfortable no matter how skinny or wide one's ass might be?

Then, yes. 

Do they serve food based on recipes that were crafted after 1989 and are aware that there are seasonings other than salt and pepper? Something other than steak and potatoes?

Then, yes. 

Is there a real chef in that kitchen? Trained? And not on a cruise ship?

Then yes, yes.

Do they take credit cards without checking ID?

Then yes.  Oh, gawd, yes...

Now... get me a Boodles Martini, up, dry, olives, with a side of ice. 

Mama... is... finally... home.

Oh, one more thing...

Is there a private bathroom with a lock on the door? 

Mama has needs. 

And after a few cocktails, depending on her companion - or if the waiter is handsome and willing - may need to use the loo, if you know what I mean, wink, wink,,, say no more, say no more.

Now...

Where's my bloody drink?

--- ---

And that's all from me today.

I look forward to reading your answers. Leave them in the comments section or post on your blog and leave a link. 

I've had a lot of fun with this. Maybe too much. 

But then, I ask you... is anything ever 'too much?'

Well, food for thought...

Food For Thought - 10cc

Food For Thought - UB40