Friday Fun: Happy National Cell Phone Courtesy Month

Friday Fun: 

Happy National Cell Phone Courtesy Month

Dear Men,

I - and I am not alone - appreciate how you continue to use your cell phones to spread joy throughout the land. (Oh, so much joy!)

However...

As this is National Cell Phone Courtesy Month, I must point out a few things you could do in the name of chivalry, gallantry, gentility and good manners.

Yes... here are some 'best practices' one should keep in mind when capturing one's essence for all eternity. Heeding them will help ensure that your good will gesture is received without a speck of derision.

Here are a few small suggestions:

Clean off your mirrors.
(Your photo will live eternally on the internet. That toothpaste spittle on your bathroom mirror needn't.)

Be mindful of your back drop. 

(Perhaps you could clean your bathroom or room once awhile? Just a thought.)

Take your time.

(We, the general public, are a patient lot. We will be here when you're ready to share that perfect shot with us. So... good things take time.)

Don't be satisfied with that first shot.

(Take a lot of photos. That way you'll have lots to choose from - you know, ones where you're not scowling, or looking like you're doing long division in your head.)

Play with the lighting...

(...as much as you play with your dick. Good lighting? Works wonders. Especially those of us who are photogenically challenged.)

It's the angle of the dangle?

(Look, unless you're Alfred Hitchcock (can you imagine what his selfie would look like?), let's do away with weird camera angles. We're looking for the best you, just as you are, standing tall before a mirror with your dick firmly (we hope) in focus. And, oh, yeah... your body and head, too. Just... keep it simple, Milton.)

Put on your best face.

(Yes, we realize your dick is the focus, but you have a face - let us see it. Don't hide behind your cell phone.)

Smile?

(Just a suggestion. Or at least look like you're enjoying yourself.)

Is this a good skin day?

(Did you get a new tattoo yesterday? A bad sunburn? Maybe a pimple? Or... gasp... a 'breakout' on your lip? Do reconsider taking that selfie until everything's returned to normal. Don't worry. Not only will your dick still be there, but so will your audience.)

Got a comb? Shampoo? A shower?

(Oh, don't get me wrong - we all love a dirty boy. But... umm. Greasy, limp hair? Not so much.)

The eyes have it!

(Look at the mirror and not your phone screen. It helps avoid those 'side eyes' which typically communicate that someone in the room just made a 'stinky'.)

Reconsider that t-shirt.

(That old hair-metal band or a confederate flag? Not only does it date you or demonstrate that you - at best - have bad taste, or - at worst - are a bona fide racist, but they will also limit your audience appeal. Want to improve your audience appeal? Take it off - unless... you... shouldn't. And if that's the case, one has to wonder why you're taking a selfie at all. Oh, wait... you have a nine inch cock? Oh... Please disregard all the above.)

Got it?

Flaunt it.

The world? Wants it.

- uptonking from Wonderland Burlesque

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