Missing the Miracle

Missing the Miracle

My primary focus these past couple posts has been happiness. And today's, even though it is about the absence of happiness, it... well, it turns out alright in the end, trust me.

I had kind of a rough weekend. Not activity-wise -  I got everything done I had planned. But I kept finding myself getting angry and frustrated. It was that same old song and dance... why does life have to be so difficult?

Well, fact is... it doesn't. We make it difficult. And just as we have the power to make it difficult, we have the power to choose what we focus on and if you're focused on how difficult something is, then you're missing out on something else. 

I yelled at a cat this weekend. I had something to get done and they were sitting, once again, on the keyboard of my laptop (because it's warm). I really yelled. With a swear word. Very loudly.

I also banged around in the kitchen and sighed a lot, so that the boyfriend would know how unhappy I was that I had to clean up after he made dinner. It is a general rule, he who cooks does not clean. But that didn't stop me from having my little temper tantrum.

I felt terrible. And I felt terrible about having behaved terribly all the next day.

Sunday, we got in the car and drove to Duluth to see... something different. It was the boyfriend's birthday and he needed an adventure. Driving to Duluth and back to look at the fall colors was all we felt we could do safely. Once in the car, I was already focused on how to get back in time to feed the cats.  As we were headed up, he put in Alanis Morissette's latest CD, Pretty Forks In The Road. On it, there is a song called Missing the Miracle... and that's when it hit me.

I was missing the miracle. 

The one that happens around me every moment that I breathe. Every moment I spend on this earth. Even the unpleasant ones. Or the frustrating ones.

I think of all the moments in my life that I regret not cherishing more at the time... not truly appreciating because my focus was on something that, in hindsight, now seems rather silly and insignificant. And now, on this side of things, I wonder how frequently there were people watching me with a bemused smile on their lips... a little bit sad for me, because I didn't get it. Because, from where they were sitting, I was missing out on the miracle.

I think about all the people in my life and how quickly I brush them aside or neglect to value the time I'm spending with them because I'm in such a rush to get to the next thing on my to do list. Really? People are an item on my to do list? Have I become that callus? Especially in light of these days of Covid, when I don't even get to see that many people? 

But, I'm that way with the animals in my life, too. Hercules' walks have become this chore to get done. I have to be on time for them. We need to get through them with efficiency, because I am already late for my 11:00 am run with the boyfriend. And Hercules? I know he senses it. I see it in his body language and how he walks with me. It's like he's allowing the monster that lives in the basement to walk him because its better than no walk at all. 

Poor Hercules.

And what about all the time I spend focusing on how guilty I feel because I failed to truly appreciate something in the moment or ruined a moment by getting angry or upset? I'm so focused on the conflict I miss out on all the joy.

That is the stuff that keeps me up at night. 

What's wrong with me?  

They say if you can't do something with love in your heart... don't do it. Well, perish the thought! Of something not getting done. I don't know when I became so task-oriented. It's an odd thing for a person as lazy as myself to be, don't you think?

So, this whole thing has given me pause. I rob myself of happiness when I fail to live in and appreciate the moment. Yes, I know, not every little thing we do is so precious it deserves its own Hallmark card. Like flushing the toilet? I think its probably okay to do that by rote. 

But things we enjoy? People we enjoy? Doing things for the people we enjoy? That... none of that should be taken for granted or designated as rote. You do that, you miss out feeding yourself, feeding your soul, to say nothing of the countless tiny daily miracles whose beauty, in our quest to get things done, to check things off our list, we fail to appreciate. 

And think of all the joy I rob from those around me.  I see it in Hercules. I see it in that cat. I see it in the face of the boyfriend. 

So, I'm developing a new habit. When I find myself rushing, cursing, moving too quickly, getting frustrated,  waiting for something to be over so I can get on with the next? I tell myself... "Hey... you're missing the miracle. You better check yourself before you wreck... well everything."

So, that, in a nutshell, is how I rob myself of happiness. 

And since happiness is my focus for the month, I thought it only fair to share what's really going on. Yeah, I'm not some Pollyanna. Nor am I burying my head in the sand. I'm just wrestling with life like everyone else around me. So, I need to lighten up. I need to slow down. I need to breathe. I need to stop being so hard on myself and others. I need to stop being the person...

...missing the miracle. 

Missing The Miracle - Alanis Morissette