How To Create The Perfect Grindr Profile

How To Create The Perfect Grindr Profile

Ah, indoor activities. Gotta love 'em. Can't be out in the snow freezing your ass off having 'fun' 24/7.

One of those activities? Gay sex. As in... hooking up. But, unless you have a fleet of studs standing by to drop whatever their doing in order to satisfy your needs - and I know some of you do (Miss Maddie) - then you will need to go on-line and make yourself available via one of social media's most inventive gay apps.. 

Grindr?

Never been?

Well, imagine a jungle of mystery further complicated by flakes, catfish, massage therapists and sex workers.

Wanna know how to play?

Well, you've come to the right person.

You see, I have spent hours and hours and hours clicking on profiles - yes, I've seen it all, honeys - and I am here to share my cup of wisdom with you!

Here are a few simple pointers, things to keep in mind in order to play the game the Grindr way.

Note: The photos displayed are typical of the men you can expect to find on Grindr - the app where quality is king!

1/ When possible, do not upload any photo. That's right. Leave it blank. In fact, don't give yourself a caption or a name or fill out any of that profile nonsense. That leaves you in control. That way, you can click on as many profiles and contact as many people as you like without having to take any responsibility for your actions whatsoever. It also lends you an air of mystery which makes those you contact wonder: who dis fool? And... do I want to get naked wit dis fool?

2/ If you do load a photo? Make sure it is one of the following:

 - A generic landscape which communicates nothing.

 - A meme which communicates you read memes and know funny when you see it.

 - A picture of you with your fag hag with the fag hag's face scratched out in MS Paint in as

brutal and unattractive method as possible. This indicates that you, in no way whatsoever, condone misogyny. 

 - A picture of your face, but one obscured by any of the following: bad lighting, the camera flash, a mask, a pup head, a photo app, the brim of a hat, your hands, or your phone. This demonstrates you understand the importance of a face pic in a profile and wish to comply. 

 - A picture of your torso. Because that's sort of like a face, right? And besides - rocking abs, am I right?

- A picture of any body part: your feet, your crotch, your butt, your shoulders, your chest, a nipple, the back of your head, or a bicep. To deepen the mystery? Make sure it is out of focus or blurred in some manner. 

- A picture of someone you are not. This is how we catfish, folks. And everybody loves catfish, right?

 - A picture of you from ten years ago. Then continue to use that same photo for as many years as you are on Grindr, because seeing the same dated photo of you - you know, that one photo where you look pretty good? - yeah, like you, and The Picture Of Dorian Gray, that never gets old.

- And make sure you only load one photo. Yes, there are spaces for four others, but why help others verify that you are not a bot, catfish, or an imposter? Keep 'em guessing, that's what I say. That way? You also keep their interest. 

- Be hypocritical. If you decide to not post a photo of yourself, be sure to make a big deal about needing to see a pic of the other person before chatting. That's right - you don't have to comply, but you damn sure don't want to spend your time chatting with someone if you don't have a clue about what they look like.  

3/ When choosing a caption for your profile: 

- Be vague about timing and place. Never give any indication of what it is you are looking for or when or where. That's right, keep 'em guessing. That air of mystery? Keeps 'em coming back for more.

- Looking for something specific? Then be obtuse, non-specific, and leave things to the imagination and interpretation of the other party. The English language? Very imprecise. That way you'll get bugged by people who want the exact opposite of what you want and then you can play the victim. It also absolves you of all responsibility - so, win-win. And be sure to YELL at them in all capital letters when they misconstrue what it is you're actually looking for. Stupid humans.

- Use an in joke - something that needs to be deciphered, or something that makes sense only to you. That's right - personalize it to the point where it confuses and stuns those you're attempting to attract. Abstract is so where it's at! And those that are baffled make for easy prey.

- Be offensive. That's right, let them know exactly where you stand on an issue. That way they can't accuse you of being a total asshole once the actually meet you.

4/ Advertise your need for the drug of your choice. Tina? 420? E? Drain Cleaner? Whatever. Everything goes. And we all know how being fucked up on drugs makes for the BEST sex ever, am I right? Huh? Am I?

5/ Broadcast your boredom. Let us know that you're there because you can't seem to think of anything better to do with your time. Demand that other Grindr participants entertain you. Because people who are unmotivated, have nothing better to do, or are boring make for the BEST sex partners ever, am I right? Huh? Am I?

6/ Broadcast your need for: money, transportation, money, a place to live, money, a job, money. Did I mention money? Need makes you attractive to others. And what else are people on Grindr for, but to give, give, give - supplying you with the things you seem incapable of acquiring through other means, such as... working a job and earning a paycheck.

7/ Young? Hung? Dumb as brick and lazy? Then offer up your body in exchange for money. Yes, older dudes are willing to pay you big cash money just to suck on your big fat lazy dick. But when soliciting, don't do so in an honest or forthright manner. Be as insulting and 'street' as possible, because nothing sells dick like danger. And old dudes with money? They like nothing better than risking their social security check just for the chance that they might get to have your dumb ass dick in their mouths.

8/ Have a preference? Then advertise it in the most obnoxious, callus ways possible. Such as:

- Trans Only! That's sure to bring all the milkshakes to the yard!

- Looking For BBC Only! Use this when fetishizing black males alone isn't offensive enough.

- No old dudes! Because ageism is the right of the young. If you are young and on a hook-up site, you should be outraged whenever someone over the age of 40 hits on you, because we all know that the young are incapable of tact and unable to use words in order to turn someone down in a polite and civil manner. Besides, how dare those wrinkle queens be on the site. Shouldn't they be applying for Medicare and and watching the home shopping network?

- Be blunt and nasty. Because you are so limited on space, be sure to be as blunt and nasty as possible when expressing your wants and desires. Men who know what they want and aren't afraid to offend others in the process? 

Oh-so sexy, dogg.

9/ Overweight? Obese? Use the term stocky or thick. Or better yet. Leave that part out and let it be a surprise. That way they won't know until they're on your front doorstep and you open the door. Look - what do they expect?  Obviously you can't be honest with yourself, so how could you possibly honest with others?

10/ Do not take advantage of any of the features unique to Grindr. 

 

- Tags. Those helpful, descriptive bubble 'Tags' which help identify activities, interests, or types of people you find attractive. Man, talk about your spoiler alert! Bypass them completely, less you should indicate to others what it is you're actually looking for. 

- Stats: What are those? Who is Grindr to define my body, my age, my weight, my sexual preferences, my height, my ethnicity, my relationship status? Age is just a number, but not one I have to own. The same with weight and height. Don't allow Grindr to define who you are, defy who you are - it makes the hunt so much more fun and frustrating. 

- Expectations: You mean, when and where? Don't pin me down. Don't fence me in! Yes, I'm a free-range cowboy! Yee Haw. And as far as accepting NSFW pics? NEVER. Why, this is a hook up site, not a doctor's office. Why in the world would someone on a hookup site ever want to see a penis or a butthole... before seeing a penis or a butthole?

- Health Status and Vaccinations: Isn't life just another spin on the big wheel? Leave it to chance. Why disclose? Why share any information whatsoever? 

11/ Hate certain things? In the body of your profile, be sure to list all the things you DON'T want, because defining yourself via your limitations is a great method of communicating the type of loving, caring, empathetic person you are not. That's right, let the world know upfront that you are not someone who's really open to what life has to offer. That you live in fear and are a total wuss when it comes to being outside your comfort zone. Now that? That's really attractive!

12/ Not Looking? Then you belong on Grindr! Yes. Post that blurry picture of your chiseled chin and then use the caption 'Not Looking' because that's what Grindr is really all about - the hook up site where people who are bored and 'not looking' go to look at and judge other people's profiles and pics from the comfort of their own home.

13/ Don't want to see pictures of people's privates? Then Grindr is totally for you. Yes, let the world know that you are superior and do not look at such things, nor derive pleasure looking at dick pics or people's butts. Because, what is Grindr, but a place to be sanctimonious and frequently outraged? I mean, what is this place? A hook-up site? 

14/ Looking for that one true love? Well then a hook-up site like Grindr, which uses GPS to tell you exactly how far away your future love interest will be, is for you. Because you can't track 'em, attack 'em and rack 'em unless you know where they are located. And true love? Yes. That really is what Grindr is all about. 

15/ Looking for friends? Platonic is what Grindr does best. If you enjoy chatting for hours, sharing intimate details with blank profiles - this is the place for you. Sex? Have no fear. Sex is the one thing you are highly unlikely to ever find, here.

16/ Hate compliments? Then you will love Grindr's Tap feature. Yes, people who find that oddly-framed photo of your elbow you've chosen as your one and only profile photo attractive will send you a little flame emoji - which, let's face it - you're on Grindr - you don't have time to acknowledge or deal with that stuff. You're busy - on Grindr. Doing important serious Grindr stuff. So please be sure to express your disgust regarding taps and those who do - that way others know what a fucking idiot you are right from the get go.

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Now, I'm sure I've glossed over or missed a few. If you have anything to add, leave it in the comments section. 

Grindr. It's a community. A strange, dysfunctional, angry, scary community. 

Grindr. I mean, why get physical when you can simply grow cynical?

Grinder. Come for the frustration, but stay for the endless ads that you can't click out of no matter how hard you try.

Grindr. It's a hell that we, as gay men, belong in and deserve. 

Won't you join today?

Grind With Me - Pretty Ricky 

feat. Baby Blue, Spectacular, and Slickem

Pure Grinding - Avicii

Grind Me Down - Lilianna Wilde

Grind - Alice In Chains