Wonderland Burlesque's Just Licking And Sucking Quiz

Wonderland Burlesque's 

Just Licking And Sucking Quiz

Lick it up? Suck it up?

Today we take a look at these two very versatile verbs. So versatile, in fact, that we have a whopping 14 questions to be answered. But fear not. Some of them won't take but a moment to answer.

Now, a lot of these are 'yes' or 'no' answers, but do feel free to expound and explain your answers.

You know I will!

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1/ Do you remember back when we had to lick postage stamps? Did you like it? Do you still lick envelopes?

I do. I liked it, too. Stamps were never an issue, but those envelopes! I remember doing temp jobs where we had to do mass mailings. Man, paper cuts in the corner of your mouth? No fun. I was so glad the day those little bottles with a sponge were invented. Why did we not think of that right away? Bad brain.

2/ Wrap your tongue 'round some sweet stuff: lick a lollipop? Lick A Stick (also known as Fun Dip and Lik-M-Aid)? Love it? Hate it?

I used to love those big, fat, sour swirl-colored pops... Charms, I think was the brand. They would give me the chills and I loved how they felt in my mouth... until they developed sharp edges and started cutting into my mouth flesh. 

Lick A Stick or Pixie Stix? No. Yes, I ate them, no, I did not like them. I was a total sugar junkie as a kid. If there was sugar, it had to be in me. I ran like a dervish back then. No wonder I have all sorts of emotional and impulse control issues today.

These days. Hard pass. Sweet for sweet's sake? So not me. 

The only sweet thang I want in my mouth can't be bought at the candy counter... or can it?

3/ How many licks to the center of YOUR tootsie pop? And tell us about the first time your tootsie pop got licked.

It depends. Sometimes I come like a pop tart. I can't lie. It's always a bit of a surprise, but with age, I've noticed that I've lost total control over my gun. That head is sensitive and if I get a talented sucker? It pops off within minutes. 

Now, if I take me a little Viagra? Honey, suddenly control is back in my hands... and that dick is going in more than just your mouth! 

I love that stuff. It makes me feel like He-Man when he raises that sword and calls on the power of Greyskull. 

I got your sword, right here, my dear...

4/ During winter, did you ever lick a metal fence post or a flag pole - as seen in The Christmas Story (1983)? How'd that work out for you?

YES! I did when I was a wee lad. Which was long before the movie or book came into being. 

We lived on this lovely farm. I think I was only four years-old or so. I was going through a period where I was testing the universe. I remember that autumn I had found a piece of copper tubing that had an end which was all jagged. My Dad was a scrapper, as in, he loved to harvest copper from the things people had thrown away. We had regular trips to the local dump which is where he'd find things to take apart in order to extract the copper. We kids loved going with because for us it was shopping day! Everything was free. I mean, it was gross, and who knows what diseases we might have picked up, but we loved digging through other people's garbage (don't judge!) (But no you see why I am never going to be an 'A' Gay.)

Anyway, that fall I found that piece of copper and - where I got the idea to do this I can't imagine, but I had the impulse to press it into the inside of my wrist about a half inch or so from the base of the palm of my hand. It began to bleed. And I showed one of my kid sisters, who was standing next to me. And then I thought., 'Well, how do you get it to stop bleeding?' Because no matter what we did, it did not stop. 

Finally, after exhausting all options, we went into the house and showed my mother, who freaked the hell out, bundled us all in the car (there were five of us) and off to the emergency room in a neighboring town about twenty minutes away we went. This would not be the last time I forced my mother to make that trek or my last visit to that particular ER.

Yes, I'd been testing the universe in weird ways with mixed results all that year. Then, on a sub zero day, my mother bundled us all up and shoved us outside to play because she'd had it up to here with us kids. I was alone, outside, staring at this steel pipe gate and again... I got an impulse. What would happen if I licked it? Would it taste like an icicle? Well, you can imagine my surprise when it did not. And then of course, I could not move. So I stood there. And I cried. (I always cried as quietly as I could because it upset my mother so much.) Finally, someone came to find me. And do you think they thought to go get a glass of hot water or something? Nope. I got yanked off that pole and got quite the spanking. Talk about pain on both ends.

Needless to say, that was not the last pole my tongue was tempted to taste. 

5/ Ever had the feeling that you've been totally licked by something and simply had to surrender?

Only in L.A. When you are sick... really sick? And you are alone? Eventually there comes a day when you have to go home. 

If you're lucky, you have a doctor who is willing to fight the good fight with you... up until that day. And a doctor who, when that day comes, is not afraid to tell you it is time. 

I have to say, even in defeat? I kept my smile. I kept my belief that the fate so many were predicting for me was not an ending I had to accept or allow to happen. So, while my surrender was conditional, by that point... 

My body knew, that, yes... we were licked.   

6/ Ever have a feeling of accomplishment, as in: 'you got this licked?' 

I remember having that feeling a couple of times when I pulled a show out of the fire during tech week. Generally, I would have four weeks of rehearsals to pull a show together. That tech week was always make or break and on several occasions, I had very unhealthy shows that were not ready to open. Or worse, something happened and all would be lost if I didn't act quickly. 

One show, I had to fire an actress a week before opening. It was a terrible thing to do, to her and the cast, but the show couldn't go on as it was. She cried and I felt awful and took a lot of flack for doing it. One of my former best friends came to the rescue and brought all sorts of new life to the role (it was a major supporting character with a musical number.) She saved that show for me. 

One show, I had an actress quit on me the day before we were supposed to start tech week. She was amazing in the role and I kept praising her - I couldn't believe how easy she was to direct. And then, out of the blue - total meltdown. I never saw it coming. Once again, a different former best friend came to the rescue. The show was still good, but I always felt if we'd made it to opening night with the original cast intact (it was an all female show,) we would have lit the night on fire. 

And one show, we were down to final dress rehearsal. I loved the script and had been really fortunate to get a first rate, dedicated cast... but something was not right. I was not in love with the work we were doing. I happened to have cast the boyfriend of a women from that all-female show I mentioned in the paragraph above. She was heading out of town with a show and had asked to sit in on our final dress. At the end of the night, after I had given notes - there were very few, for everyone was doing their jobs - I was a bit heartsick knowing we had a solid, if uninspiring show on our hands. 

That woman walked up to me and shook her head. I looked up at her and said, 'I have no idea what's wrong.' She gave me three pieces of information and I have to say, I have never felt so stupid in all my life. I knew exactly what to do. The cast had already gone home and it was very late, so I decided I would implement my new ideas in the hour before showtime. I pulled two of the actresses aside, separately, and told them what I needed them to do. One was a pacing issue which I succinctly let this actress know what she needed to do to fix it. She was floored and maybe a little pissed, but she did exactly what I told her. The other actress? Well, I had steered her in too obvious a direction. But, since we'd been doing shows together for years, on the road as well as in town - we were like brother and sister - I knew all I had to do was give her an image of who she needed to be (and it was radically different from what she had been doing) and she would bring that vision to life. And she did.

Of course, in the green room before the show I told the cast that there were going to be a couple of surprises and that they were all to react honestly and remain in character at all times. Picking up cues would be super important. 

The show proved to be my most successful ever. The main critic in town loved the production and chose us as the must see show of the week. That brought all the other critics and of course they all had their knives out, but the one critic that truly mattered? He gave me what I'd always wanted: headlines. 

Oh, that third piece? It was a general blocking thing, and there was nothing I could do about that. I had gotten the cast on board early with my meticulous way of blocking and they had it down. Maybe it didn't suit the show, but it was what I'd always done... it was my style, my stamp. Ideally, I would only direct shows like Noises Off, or, maybe, Dinner At Eight where there are big entrances and things flying through the air. You see, back then, I didn't block a show...

I choreographed it! 

So, that stayed. And sure enough, the critics that came after to prove the other critic wrong all harped on it. But they loved the performances the actors gave... and that's why I've always wanted to be a director. Because I believe actors need someone who will coach them and pull out the best in them, just as I always tried to find the heart of what the playwright was going for. 

I sort of miss it. And I am retiring in a couple of years... so? Who knows. 

I've always loved a great comeback story.

7/ Name something you tried to do and  it quickly became apparent that you sucked at it?

I wanted to be a cook in a restaurant. 

I was in college and doing theatre at the time, so cooking overnight seemed like a good fit. 

It was not. 

I was always exhausted. I was frequently late. But worse?

My timing in the kitchen was horrible. I knew nothing about food. I knew nothing about how kitchens work. 

But I got hired! And I tried for like three months or so. I did bar rush and... I sucked balls. So much food came back, the waitresses grew to hate me. 

So, one night, I came in, took a bunch of trucker uppers, had an insane evening and never went back. 

I was young. Too young. And oh, so very stupid. 

I have no idea what that restaurant owner was thinking, other than he wanted to some nights free. 

8/ Name something or someone that truly sucks balls (besides Ms. Lindsey Grahamcrackers.)

Low hanging fruit question.

Will Smith.

The man is repugnant. Unrepentant. Out of touch with reality. 

Fuck him and his family. His kids are no better than the orange ogre's and Jada, not much better than Melanoma. 

Fuck you, Will Smith. You are a terrible human being. 

9/ Tell me about a time you had no choice but to suck it up.

I was doing this vaudeville revue in Iowa. I was sort of the host/emcee, introducing all the other acts, filling in with musical numbers and these old comedy routines which were done playing opposite the director of the piece - she was Gracie Allen to my George Burns sort of thing. The comedy bits came easy. As did keeping things going and introducing folks. I loved all that. And most of the music came easy... except the opening number, which was And The Band Played On, which is a song I had always wanted to sing because I like the title and its the title of that now notoriously debunked book.

Now, to be fair, I was directing and appearing in another show set to open at the same time, so I was doing double duty, but the director of the vaudeville piece was my touchstone in Iowa and I would do anything she asked. 

However, I couldn't memorize that damn song. 

When the full band began attending rehearsals, I would have to read it off of sheet music. It was like, my head was so full, I could not digest those words. Then, I began avoiding rehearsing it all, claiming someone else needed the time. 

Me? I needed a nap. 

So at final dress, I suggested, 'hey, I'll just have a music stand next to the giant radio mic and I'll sing it using the sheet music.' 

The director threw a big fit. 

So, I sucked it up. 

And I went out there on opening night, full of smarmy charm, got past the first verse, which was a little shaky, and the chorus and then... 

I had nothing. 

I caught the eye of the bass player who was the bandleader and he immediately read my face. He faded everybody down and I went into my emcee schtick with the music playing beneath as if nothing was wrong. The rest of the show went off without a hitch. In fact, the exchanges between the director and myself on stage that night? They had a bit of extra fire to them!

Well, I never had to sing that song again...

Because I never got the chance to. 

Oh, the show went on. 

But not with me in it.

10/ Ever suck up to someone? Tell us about it. How brown did that nose get?

I'm a total suck up. Have been since I don't know when. I knew as a child how to get authority figures on my side. Yes, I have always been a manipulative little shit. 

Teachers, typically were the easiest, although certain male teachers always called me on it. I mean, I was still working it all the way through my final year and a half of college. The faculty on that campus, in the business department? They loved me.

Bosses were always fairly easy, too. They have rough jobs. Make them feel better about themselves and you get to leave early so you can get to rehearsal on time!

So, yeah, I'm a pro. Not that it always works. Not that I don't get called out on it on occasion. And not that it hasn't totally backfired more than once.

11/ Name a time you felt suckered. What happened? 

It was a business deal between my theatre company and another better established theatre company. We teamed up for a production. I was directing. We were to split the box office 50/50. Nothing in writing. 

I never saw it coming. 

Honey?

No man ever done me so wrong.

12/ Ever been sucker punched? What happened?

Twice.

Once when I was in fourth grade. I was at my best friend's house. Astride my bike, I was talking to him, when the neighborhood bully walked up to us. He was smiling. He said 'hi' and my friend and I acted friendly. And then he walked up and coldcocked me right in the face, destroying my nose. 

Out of the blue. 

I was so stunned. 

Blood, everywhere, but I was so stunned. The bully stood and laughed and I... burst into tears - because I could not believe anyone could ever be so mean. You see, I had an older brother who used to beat the crap out of me all the time, so I was used to violence, but I never thought anyone would do something like that unprovoked. I turned and bicycled home, the tears and blood raining down.

The second time was the night of the Rodney King verdict. I was walking to work, unaware that it had been announced. Up ahead I saw this group of black teens tearing windshield wipers off cars and smashing windows. I thought, 'oh, I better get to work.' So I started walking faster... toward them. They spotted me and, soon, one of them is standing in the street yelling at me, so I was looking at him while this other kid came running down the sidewalk and punched me in the head. I dropped everything and staggered in the the street and they kept punching and hitting... there were like six or seven of them. I went down very quickly and curled up in as tight a ball as I could. That's when they started kicking. Fortunately, my then boyfriend came walking down the street coming from work - you see, I was on my way to replace him, and once he realized what was happening? Show over. He was 6'5" and gentle as a Great Dane, but he managed to scare those kids. 

Needless to say, I did not get to go to work that night. 

13/ Name something that doesn't make a lick of sense to you. How so?

Wow. These days there is so much to choose from.

But let's blanket it and pick: how people - educated people - can deny history or try to rewrite history? 

I know our brains are powerful. Our brains can convince a body ravaged by disease to rally and keep moving forward. It can cope with failure, betrayal and sexual, psychological and physical trauma. It can will us to have strength; the kind of which we were not aware we possessed.

But at what point does it detach from reality, ignore facts, evidence, testimony and begin to reinterpret events witnessed and documented by countless others? 

That? Those people? It makes not a lick of sense to me.

That is the product of a sick mind, which, as we all know, can be cured by the mind via education - provided one's ears, mind and heart are open. 

Opening the heart of another? 

Now that's a trick I'd like to learn.

14/ Ever sucked a dick? Tell us about your first time. Any tips?

No. Never. 

If the dude is a dick?  That's a no-go for me. Hard pass.

As for my first time? The dude was a total dick, but I did it anyway because I wanted to find out what it was like. We 69'd and he stopped and looked at me and asked me if I was sure this was my first time because I was such a natural. 

I told him... 

*Pshaw... it's nothing.

I've been licking poles since I was four!

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And that's enough of me. 

Okay, your turn. You know what to do: leave your answers in the comments section or post on your blog and share a link here. 

Until next time.

Thanks for reading... and participating. 

I Ain't Been Licked - Diana Ross

This Sucks - Virginia To Vegas and MacKenzie Porter