Quiz: Find Out What Your Sex Style Is

Today's quiz came from 'the' go-to place for sex quizzes: Cosmopolitan. It was written by Carina Hsieh and Hannah Smothers back on June 17th, 2019.

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a20744265/sexual-style-quiz/

Finally, a Cosmo quiz. Cited in so many female-based sitcoms, I have always wanted to take one. Now, keep in mind, I did have to do a bit of editing and skew a few of the questions in a different direction. Out of the sixteen questions, I managed to salvage eight. Also, I changed it to an essay answer kind of quiz. Being limited to two choices for answers? Puh-leeze. No one puts Uptonking in a box (unless we agreed to it ahead of time, safe words are in place and respected, and there are air holes.) 

So, I guess this is more of a Cosmo-inspired quiz. 

I have to laugh at the audacity of Cosmo. They give you a grade at the end of the quiz, so you can label yourself "Kinky AF" or a wet noodle. Aren't your answers just your answers and there is no right and wrong? Feels a little Judge Judy there, Cosmo. 

I don't need to wait until the end of a quiz to know that I am Kinky AF, but then, considering these questions and scenarios? Cosmo has a pretty tame definition of kinky. 

1/ You strip down to your skivvies before a planned sex romp. What are you wearing?

Depends.

Assignations are always planned. But sometimes they are planned during the workday, so whatever undies you have on are the ones you show up in. 

I have three pairs of Tommy Hilfiger black boxer briefs with a red band that I am happy to be seen in. They have just enough lycra in the mix to pull my shit together and look passable. 

Hanes, also, has a boxer brief I like - in silver gray. Breathable, but snug. 

Those encounters planned outside of the working hours? 

Well, at the prairie I wear a towel or a pair of silky running shorts. And am typically nude before my intended signs on. 

Showing up at someone's house? Well, I do special requests - a jock strap, tighty whities, even a thong (which I hate, but to each their own). Otherwise, cotton boxer briefs - silver gray or black. 

And if it's a walk-in scene? 

What does it matter?

My underwear is lying prone on the floor, moments before I am. 

Guess which of us my mystery man is going to pay attention to?

2/ What is your policy on Face Time / Skype sex?

No.

Hate it.

I look like shit on cam. Always have. Lighting is never right. The camera angle makes me look fat and stranger than I already do. And what color is my skin? NO. I will not have it. 

When it comes to my image, I am a bit of a control freak. Back when I used to take pics, I would have to take a hundred pics to come up with one that would make the final cut. I am not a beauty, and as such, I have to carefully orchestrate my relationship to the camera. I am just not comfortable with being more hideous than mother nature intended. 

Then there is the quality of the sex. It's very much like phone sex. I can do it, but it is not very fulfilling. I think I got off on the novelty of it in the beginning, but now? It simply feels faux. Why settle for antiseptic sex when you can have the real thing?  I need to feel the press of flesh, the raw intensity - in all it's flawed natural state. 

So, I guess I am a bit of a contradiction. When it comes to projected images I have a desire for unattainable perfection.  But if you and I are standing naked in front of one another, I am totally on board with grooving on our flawed flesh. In fact, I love the idiosyncrasies of the human body. You might hate that mole. You might hate that big nose of yours. You might not embrace your love handles. But I think they are sexy. Because they are uniquely yours. And it's real.

And I will take a flawed original over a cookie cutter clone any day of the week.

I kind of like my own imperfections, in the flesh. That little pooch. The fine lines on my face. My sagging ass. In a way... I earned all that. Sure, I do what I can to minimize it - crunches, moisturize, sunblock, jogging, biking, hiking and squats, but in the end: gravity wins. Besides...

....who am I to argue with Mother Nature?

3/ Unicorn? Or Unicorn hunter?

I have never been in a relationship where my significant other was comfortable with inviting in some strange. Don't know why. Historically, my partners always turn out to be less sexual than promised. Less adventurous. I can work with that. On the other hand...

I don't mind being a special guest star on someone else's series. 

But you better treat me well and abide by all clauses in our negotiated contract. 

There better be a bathroom handy and you better let me take a shower after.

And when it comes to drugs - and I am talking meth - it is a hard no. You and your beloved want to 'party'? You can do so without my presence. 

Once, in Miami, I got invited over by a couple. Everything on-line seemed cool. I get there. They were hiding in a cardboard box and wanted me to join them - inside the box. Like a fool, I agreed. Then, suddenly, they changed the parameters of our agreement and I was to be the top. Uh-uh. I lied. Told them I'd shot my load (didn't they see it?) and left. That shit was just too weird. And neither of them could get it up.

On the other hand, I had a LOVELY experience in San Francisco. Most gracious, sweetest couple invited me over to their condo. They turned out to be way hotter than their pics. Needless to say, I was out of my element and feeling a tad awkward. We smoked a little 420 and suddenly, I did not feel like the ugly duckling at all.  We got busy and had a blast. They both stayed hard as a rock and came multiple times. It was very nice. I walked out of there at 3:30 am, dazed and glazed, having no idea where I was. I just started walking, trying to remember things I'd seen out of the window of the cab that brought me there. Miracle of miracles, I found my hotel, thanks, in part, to the intervention of a small group of transgender hookers. 

Bless you, child.

4/ Thoughts on dirty talk?

I love a verbal dom top. 

Call me names. Call my hole whatever you want. I'm down with it. 

But... don't do it half ass. I have been trapped in a number of lame ass fucks where the dude prattles on, sounding like he memorized the script from a bad 80's porn flick. 

And for gawd's sake... speak up. Nothing less sexy than a bottom having to ask, 'What? What? You want me to do what?' every five seconds, simply because you can't bother to project your voice. I get it that you're afraid your neighbors or your roommate will hear, but - and trust me on this - they already know you're a little homo who likes to fuck ass, so own it, motherfucker.

And shy? We're naked. So I think that phantom ship has sailed, hon.

5/ Thoughts on PDA?

It melts my heart and makes me cry. 

For so many years of my life, all forms of gay affection were kept hidden from the eyes of others, out of fear of discovery. I grew up thinking that was how it was always going to be. I did briefly kiss at my wedding, but at the commitment ceremony we'd had nineteen years earlier, when it came to that moment, we shook hands! 

Because we didn't want to make any of our guests uncomfortable.

The moment I knew my current boyfriend was going to be my boyfriend was when, while walking in the Lynlake area, he took my hand and held it - all the way to the restaurant. He had no fear. And it felt so right. I was just... blown away, as it was something I had never experienced before. 

That? That was romance. That was fairy tale stuff. And it was happening to me. 

He's a generation younger than me. On the other side of the AIDs crisis. But apparently, that ten year difference made him braver than I had ever been. And in that moment, when he took my hand, I decided to trust. And that was it. 

Deal sealed. 

So, yeah. I'm a big fan. Don't get all drunk-hetero gross about it, but...

...after all that our community has been through? 

We deserve a little romance.

6/ Do you chat with your friends about your sex life over brunch?

Hmmm. You mean a kiki?

Back when I used to brunch, it was always with a single, female friend. And all we would talk about was theater. Non-stop. I must have been the most boring companion ever. 

Then I came out, and my best gay male friend and I would do lunch, etc. And more and more we would talk about sex. I was having some. He was an ice queen always obsessed with some unattainable boy.  Well, unattainable, as far as I knew - my friend would never move to close the deal. So who knows if it would have worked out or not. I think he liked it that way. 

But me, oh, yeah... I grew comfortable talking about sex - in a large part - due to Sex In The City. Because that taught me what brunch/lunch was for: sharing secrets. Dirty secrets. 

I loved that damn show. Whatever connected those women to one another, I wanted in my own life. Samantha? My idol, be divine. 

My friend and I also used to talk in terms of Valley of the Dolls.  He was Anne Welles, I was Neely O'Hara, and, a friend of ours, a fellow actor, Alan, was Jennifer North. We were well cast and actually discussed doing a warehouse/undercover production of 'Dolls', starring the three of us. We were doing a lot of that sort of thing at the time (Peyton Place, In Cold Blood).

Then Alan died. AIDs. And the whole thing felt pathetically prophetic. 

7/ How would you introduce sex toys into your relationship?

By their first name.

I dunno. The boyfriend talks about toys, but it is all talk, so far. He and a former boyfriend of his got into it. But nothing has materialized on that front for the two of us. 

And toys with strangers is problematic. Did you sterilize that thing? Where has it been? 

That sort of thing.

Now that I own some of my own? Who knows. I guess I could bring one with me sometime, if the other person had an interest.  

Kind of a unicorn horn, huh?

8/ Your sex partner wants to role play as strangers who pick up one another in a bar. How hard do you commit?

So, this scenario was part of a Valentine's episode of Modern Family. It was a cute episode. But by that point, I had fallen out of love with the series. The first season, the writing felt fresh. Then, the way the gay couple was portrayed? Began to bug the shit out of me. Lots of pedophilia jokes. Not cool. And always out of the mouth of the straight actor playing the nelly - well, they were both nellies, but the straight actor did a bit of a gay Amos 'n Andy turn with his character. And all that white privilege? Naw. I'm over it. Hate the show.

So, role play.

The current boyfriend? That is not going to happen. We're simply not go-to-the-bar kind of people. We talk about going, but always choose to stay home to sip our cocktails. And role play? Not a part of our conversations at all.

Not the soon-to-be-ex, either. When we were still together, he was opposed to going out unless it was restaurant associated - ie: a co-worker's birthday, an opening, an invitation from a competitor, or he was undercover - posing as a guest, when, in fact, he was there, hired to assess the level of service, etc. 

But a bar, just to go to a bar? Never. 

We briefly had a set of friends I called The Wax Works. We would meet them for dinner at the Gay 90's. A cocktail into the evening, and dinner done, I would want to stay and explore the nightlife, but the hubby was against it. So we went home. 

Role playing? That seems to be something I only do with strangers. It has never been part of any relationship I have been a part of. 

Do I need it to be? 

Naw.

I prefer to keep it real.

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Let's Have a Kiki - Scissor Sisters