Yet Another Dirty Dozen: Dirty Questions to Ask a Guy That Will Turn Him On - Baker's Dozen Edition

Yet Another Dirty Dozen: Dirty Questions to Ask a Guy That Will Turn Him On

Baker's Dozen Edition

 
As with the two previous Dirty Dozen posts, today’s questions come from a post titled:100+ Dirty Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend That Will Turn Him On by Tatiana, on a site called Paired Life.
 
https://pairedlife.com/physical-intimacy/dirty-questions-to-ask-your-boyfriend
 

Ah, yes, the gift that just keeps on giving.
 
Shall we?
 
1/ Do you like to receive head?
 
No.
 
I think at this point in my life I have simply met too many bad cocksuckers, so when someone offers, I pass. If someone insists, I will let them for about a minute before ushering their attention elsewhere.
 
Then factor in STI’s. For some reason I believe if I don’t stick my dick in an orifice, I greatly reduce my chances of catching something. Sort of true, but considering they’re sticking their dicks in my orifices, I doubt I’m really doing myself any favors.
 
Then factor in how sensitive I have become as I have grown older. I stick my dick in a warm, moist place? I am going to cum. Viagra helps with that. I find I have more confidence and more control over my orgasm when I take it… just 10 mg. But it takes twenty minutes to take full effect and… well, things frequently happen faster than that, now don’t they?
 
2/ What color underwear do you wear most?
 
Black.
 
Next would be gray. I simply find them more practical.
 
I wear Lycra or spandex infused boxer briefs when at work. They work like a pair of Spanx and pull it all together for me, making me feel slimmer. Which is needed, because men at the office are wearing such tight pants these days… and, at the office, I like to keep up with the gays.
 
I wear 100% cotton boxer briefs at the gym, in the evenings and on weekends. I sleep in them, too. I like things to be able to breathe.
 
When I wear the Lycra/spandex infused boxer briefs? I feel like I can’t breathe. Of course, that may say more about my place of employment than my boxer briefs.
 
Or maybe it’s those tight pants…
 
3/ Have you ever cheated or been cheated on?
 
Yes. I have cheated. A lot. Actually, I have to say that monogamy has never proven to be my cup of tea.
 

I would pretend to be monogamous. But really, I just paid lip service to the whole spiel so I could stay in the relationship. Because, for some reason, it was hardwired into me that to be a successful human, one had to be in a relationship.
 
The guilt? Meh. I was raised hardcore Catholic. We’re swimming in guilt from the moment of conception. When living with such strict guidelines, one develops a kind of moral duplicity, and you make your peace with it as you grow older.
 
Maybe I got off on the intrigue? I did like all of the logistics involved; the opportunism. Getting away with something? Pulling off a little something on the side with no one the wiser? Oh, yes… that kind of trickery feeds me. I took a great deal of pride in my undetected sexual espionage.
 
I would never become emotionally involved with a trick. By the time I was 36, I came to realize that sex was just an activity, a hobby. Oh, I have tried to be friends with people I hook up with, but haven’t had great success on that front. In fact, on several occasions, such friendships have blown up in my face - once quite spectacularly, costing me a really choice job - so I tread carefully there.     
 
I’m much more honest about it all now.
 
It’s not cheating if you’re in an open relationship, which is my declared state. And I don’t feel judged about it, either. I don’t think non-monogamy is for everyone… there is no one right thing for everyone.
 
Well, except maybe breathing.
 
4/ Is there anything you're afraid of in the bedroom?
 
Two things come to mind:
 
A: My ass going bad before we fuck. Nothing worse than a dirty bottom.
 
Seriously.
 
People look at you like you just killed and ate a baby in front of them.
 
- and -
 
B: Their bedside table drawer.
 
You want to know who you’re hooking up with? Look in the drawer.
 
Scariest thing I ever found in one of those?
 
A Bible.
 
5/ Have you ever jerked off in a public space? Where?
 
Of course.
 
That’s called adolescence.

I did it EVERYWHERE. (Even church!)
 

I don’t think there was an iota of space at my high school that I didn’t shoot a load all over. If they’d shined one of those black lights over it, it would have glowed like a house owned by Prince. The building was so contaminated with my DNA, they had to condemn it and build a new one. (True. They tore down my old high school.)
 
And then, there were those shitty minimum wage jobs you did while in college or while you were trying to find yourself. I mean, what do employers think those 15 minute breaks are for? I never met a urinal I did not want to have an intimate relationship with.
 
Now granted… I am not one of those people who like to force themselves on others, so I was always somewhat discreet about it. But working one out in a public space? Never a problem for me.
 
Now, clean up, on the other hand…
 
(… not my strong suit.)
 
6/ What is your opinion of hickies?
 
Love giving. Hate receiving.
 
Latin men are notorious hickey givers. Brazilians. They leave their mark on you while you’re distracted by how passionately they are tending to your needs. And OMG are they passionate. I just love their lips on me everywhere.
 
But I don’t buy into marks of shame. No. You’re in my life for 20-40 minutes, dude. I do not want to carry around a reminder of you for the next five days.
 
That said… I totally almost give people hickeys. It is really a very easy and natural thing to do. When I get carried away, people have had to tell me to stop.
 
I don’t blame them.
 
Who wants to walk around looking like you have a blood disorder?
 
7/ How often do you like to be intimate?
 
I dunno. You got twenty minutes?
 
No, seriously, less and less these days. I used to be Johnny-on-the-spot, good to go, a real Ready Freddy.
 
But no more.
 
There’s so much prep work involved. So, that’s off-putting.
 
And then there’s the aspect of diminishing returns.
 
These days? Once a week suffices.
 

Oh, I get carried away, for sure. At the prairie, for example, if I’m having a really amazing afternoon and guys just keep hitting on me? I will go for it every time. Caught up in the moment, all that sexual frenzy energy. Hard to resist.
 
But I get home after and am depleted. And it takes me a whole week to recover.
 
Nothing makes me happier than turning off Grindr, Scruff, A4A, and BBRTS… and leaving them off for the whole week. I have a lot less energy for the whole thing these days. If I have some form of sex on Sunday, I won’t really be up for another go until Thursday. I’m sure I’m missing out on a lot of opportunities, but I dislike running my vehicle with half a tank.
 
It runs so much better when full.
 
8/ Do you like cuddling?
 
Yes. It is a necessary thing, for me. That flesh on flesh connection. The warmth, the intimacy implied. It is the sexual comfort food.
 
Hate it when you overheat and get all sticky. Ick.
 
Hate it when your arm ends up trapped in some strange position and goes numb.
 
Hate it when I fall asleep and there is a puddle of drool where my head was lying.
 
But, maybe they should take that as a compliment?
 
9/ Which body part are you most proud of?
 
My big, beautiful brain. It constantly astounds me and keeps me entertained.
 
Oh, it’s a pain in the ass, too. Like when we go shopping, for example. It also tends to remember things I, personally, would rather not be reminded of.
 
Yeah, it can be a total dick, sometimes. And speaking of…
 
I also like my dick. I usually don’t share pics of it, but… here ya go. It is what it is. (BTW: I am a grower, not a show-er.)

Why don’t I share pics of it? Because people tend to get fixated and I’m sorry, my dick, in the scheme of things, is not all that important.
 
Now, YOUR dick, on the other hand…
 
(…well, in MY hand, I hope.)
 
10/ What do you think of open relationships?
 
Big advocate.
 
I think they work. Or can, as long as everyone is honest and everyone cares enough to keep it working. There has to be respect for one another and a respect for that initial bond… that thing that brought you together in the first place.
 
Don’t kid yourself. In every relationship, in some way, partners are indebted to one another. In my world, at least, someone is always rescuing someone from something: loneliness, anxiety, disappointment, self-destruction…
 

It’s best to keep those things in mind and honor your commitment. Obligation frequently gets confused with burden. They aren’t the same at all. I like being obligated to another. It gives my life purpose.
 
And what is a life without purpose?
 
Communication becomes key. You need to check in with one another on occasion, to make sure that everybody is still on board. Sometimes new policies have to be adopted.
 
Be mature enough to do the work.
 
11/ Would you consider yourself romantic?
 
Yes. Deeply.
 
I don’t believe in all the treacly stuff… though I am a sucker for a nice Bette Midler ballad.
 
Most romantic thing I have ever done was a balloon ride.
 
Well, it was meant to be romantic.
 
Neither the boyfriend nor I like to share, so it was a bit more expensive having a private balloon, but worth it. The reality, though… they aren’t romantic at all. All of your senses are being overloaded; the sights, the constant shifting, the anxiety, the noise.
 
You’re in awe.
 
But not in awe of one another. You’re basically clinging to one another for dear life.
 
12/ What's your ideal date night?
 
They host. The front door is unlocked. I come in. Strip at the front door. Move to the designated location and get on all fours, bottle of poppers at the ready…
 
What?
 
Well, what kind of dates do you go on?
 
The boyfriend is no good on dates. We both eat too fast, so dining is wasted on both of us. (I can reign it in when I want. He refuses.) We’d rather watch movies at home. I hike, he doesn’t (long story).
 
We once tried to canoe… OMG. One of two major spats we have had.
 
If you don’t know how to canoe? Don’t sit in the back.
 

The former boy scout in me was having a total fit, trying to steer from the front. It was frustrating and it was no fun.
 
We do vacation well together. Three weeks in Europe and we never fought, though he did piss me off in an Italian restaurant near the end of the trip. But then, I had issues in Italy. Was super crabby and taking no shit.
 
I dunno. Dating. Meh.
 
Just not my thing.
 
13/ Did you ever have a crush on a teacher?
 
College… no.
 
High School, yes, until I found out what a bunch of assholes they were.
 
Because I had been a football manager for the varsity team, I knew what most of my male teachers looked like naked.
 
There was one: an algebra teacher, Polish, handsome - like Harrison Ford. Nice dark fur, beautiful body, hefty dick. He was the head basketball coach and track coach. I ran the four-mile for him one year. He was such an asshole.
 
I did have a complicated relationship with my high school drama coach. It was very ‘Tea and Sympathy’, only with no sympathy (and no sex). She used me. My talents. She was homophobic and snobby. I was clueless. Now? I rather hate her. I would like to think she’s evolved, but then again… why do I still care?
 
14/ What is one thing that a guy can wear that will get your attention?
 
Three answers.
 
A: Nothing at all.
 

No, it’s true. If you’re naked, I am going to try and look at your penis. Then I am going to figure out what part of your body I could work with. (Hint: It is usually the penis.)
 
B: A jock strap.
 
Next best thing to being naked. Unless you’re someone who shouldn’t wear a jock.
 
I now fall in that category. Sad, but true. Curse you, gravity.
 
C: A smile.
 
I always want to know the secret behind the smile. I know there is one.
 
Everybody’s got an evil little secret.
 
What’s yours?
 

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Leave your answers (and your dirty little secret) in the comments section. Or answer them all, post it on your blog and then leave a link. 

When I Kissed The Teacher - ABBA