When Stuck Alone, Suck Your Own

When Stuck Alone, Suck Your Own

There was a young man from Nantucket

Whose dick was so long he could suck it.

He said with a grin / As he wiped off his chin

‘If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.’

Okay, guys… admit it.

We’ve all tried to do it.

Sucking your own dick seemed an ideal solution when dealing with the solitude of our budding adolescent sexuality. Back in our early teens, we had the solution in mind, but sucking your own involves more than just being super hung - you must also be super flexible. Those of you able to accomplish the task? I salute you. As for the rest of us, sucking your own has remained a distant, unfulfilled dream.

Personally, I’ve had dreams about being able to do it - still do. And I definitely remember trying to do it when I was younger. Hell, there are times, while stretching at the gym for example, that I still think about giving it a go. But success has always eluded me… even in my dreams.

During the course of our recent Covid-19 lock downs, we’ve all had to search for some form of solitary sexual release. Rubbing one out - always an option, but some of us have hungered for something more. In my case, it led me to my local gay shoppe in search of the perfect dildo. It was during that quest, that the title of today’s post sprang to mind.

So, I thought, why not explore?

No, not physically.

My flexibility has never been ample enough to accomplish the feat, but let’s examine some of its history and, for those of you ambitious enough to give it a try, read up on a few tips and best practices.

I found two very helpful articles on the internet. The first:

A Cultural History of Men Sucking Their Own Dicks 
By C. Brian Smith
(edited)

Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues reported in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male in 1949 that “[a] considerable portion of the population does record attempts at self-fellation, at least in early adolescence.” But given the presence of the ribcage and a hesitant spine, Kinsey estimated only two or three out of every 1,000 men are able to achieve this feat. Those numbers hold up 50 years later. “Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure,” claims Steadyhealth.com, a health-related internet community.

History stretches far beyond Kinsey, though. Archaeologist David Lorton says many Ancient Egyptian texts referred to autofellatio. He specifically points to a document called “Book of Overthrowing Apophis” in which a poem narrates how the sun god Ra created the god Shu and goddess Tefnut by fellating himself and spitting out his own semen onto the ground.

Other Egyptologists quibble with Lorton’s translation of the hieroglyphs, however, believing the ancient wall paintings of self-serve BJs meant that Horus, son of the god Osiris, kept the stars in place by ingesting his own semen and maintaining cosmic order. In other words, they believed these men were swallowers rather than spitters. Despite the debate over specifics, there’s ample evidence that blowing oneself was decidedly a thing in ancient Egypt.

Archbishop Konrad von Hochstaden

A statue of Archbishop of Cologne Konrad von Hochstaden blowing himself sits atop the 14th-century Cologne City Hall. Some say the archbishop was unpopular among stone-carvers because he put a large tax on “hops” in beer so they created the statue in defiance. 

Others believe it’s a modern incarnation (circa 1950) meant to replace a statue destroyed during World War II. If so, the modern sculptor was having a laugh at the expense of his employers and future generations. Either way, gargoyle sculptures like this were known to be self-indulgent jokes by the artists of the day.
 
In Victorian England, many historical paintings depicting autofellatio were vandalized and led to the restriction of a thorough history of such acts from being widely publicized.

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Interesting stuff, huh? Who knew those Archbishops were such pervs? (Answer: Everyone) But, enough of the history… now, here’s some practical advice:
 
How to Suck Your Own Dick
By Brian Moylan
(edited)

Be Thin

Unsurprisingly, it's much easier to reach your dick if you don't have a big belly in the way. Dick size, however, doesn't seem to matter all that much. Body type is more of an issue than endowment.

Loosen Up

An advanced appreciation of downward dog isn't necessary, but the importance of stretching can’t be stressed enough - especially the neck. Don't only get limber on the day of your big try. Spend a week really seeing how far you can stretch your torso and everything above your shoulders. Loosen up with a warm bath.

Get Hard

The harder the better. Use a cock ring to achieve maximum rigidity. It will help keep your stiffy saluting even if your neck hurts or you get frustrated that it's not as easy as you’d hoped.

Pick a Position

There are a few different autofellatio positions:

• The ‘C’ position in which you sit in a chair with your hands under your legs and pull yourself up to suck your dick.
• The ‘Backwards C’ position where, lying on your back, you bend backwards and ‘walk’ down the wall behind yourself to reach Mr. Happytime. A pillow under the head helps not only for cushioning but a little extra lift. 
• You can lie on your back and lift your heels in the air, bringing your cock toward your mouth. Do this on the floor or another hard surface, because a bed has too much give.
• The hardest of all: the ‘X’ position, where you lock your feet behind your head in order to reach your penis.

Get Help

Ask someone to help you by pushing down gently on your legs or head (very gently) to get you over the finish line. They may be amazed, amused and happy to help. Now, you might be asking, ‘Why would you want to suck your own dick if there's someone else there to suck it for you? Answer: Who doesn’t want to suck their own dick?

Be Prepared

Not only do you need to accept the inevitability that once you achieve success in this arena that everyone is going to want to see your sexy secret, but there's another surprise you need to be ready for: cumming in your own mouth. Most straight guys haven't experienced this before, so, for you, there might be some gagging involved. For those of us who are seasoned pros… ummm, yeah… no prob.

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Okay… now you have a little background information, some great advice, and plenty of visual aids in the form of pics to get you going.

Feeling ambitious? Go for it.

And send me a video once you accomplish the deed!

  

Love The One You're With - Luther Vandross