Wonderland Burlesque's Big If Quiz

Wonderland Burlesque's 

Big If Quiz

Something light is needed. This past week had me in a terrible mood, what with the awful in-between weather (make up your mind already, will ya?) and 'events' (say no more), I am in need of a few flights of fancy to lift my wings. And what better place to escape than into the world of 'If you...?' 

Let your imaginations soar and reveal the secret longings of your heart. It's harmless. It's fun. It's needed. Enjoy!

1/ If you could, what would you change about your psychological self?

I'd eliminate anger from my life. 

Now, I get that we need to be outraged on occasion about the big things, but that void could be filled by a passion that might actually lead to action on my part. 

But anger?

It exhausts me. And robs me of so much joy. 

You know... it would be one thing if my anger was limited, focused, but no. It sort of seeps into everything I touch. 

And the weirdest stuff sets it off. A memory. A look. An inflection. A misplaced billfold. Cold temps. 

Okay, so...  a lot of stuff sets it off. I've gotten very good at keeping it low-key, like know one the wiser. And I will deny it if you call me on it. But it's there. In all it's stupid glory. It populates my life because I am lazy and resent doing anything and everything. When I was younger? Who was that overly-motivated youngster? 

Not me.

2/ If you could choose to do anything for a whole day, what would it be?

I would walk around the Minneapolis Institute of Art. Alone. No one else in the building, except two people working the restaurant. I'd start with breakfast and stroll and come back for lunch and stroll and then force them to make me dinner. 

I wouldn't touch anything. I just want to look. Up close. Without dealing with other people and their children and noise. I could simply lose myself in the art. 

I look at a painting and it simply blows me away... all those brush strokes. They had that patience and the skill to know what they were doing, where it was going, what the end product would look like. Their work is so sure and confident and permanent. 

I've lived my life much too timid. In youth, my stupidity made me brave. I crashed in places I wasn't invited and immediately went to work. Now? That feels destructive. Counter-productive. A waste of an opportunity. I should have listened more. I should have been there to learn. I did, learn, but not all I could have. 

Not the way these artists learned their craft. And they kept at it. They kept improving, evolving. Such a singular life, a singular purpose. I remain in awe of them and would love an opportunity to do nothing more than appreciate them in silence. 

3/ If you didn't have to work for a living, what would you do all day?

Write. I love words. I love the relationship between the writer and the page. 

Things that do not exist; things that could never happen? They live on the page. 

And it's non-destructive. It takes up little space and has no impact on the environment, thanks to our digital world. It doesn't involve another person. It can be done anywhere, anytime (as long as there is electricity - which does have an impact on the environment, so - there goes that). 

I think its a form of painting. The only one I might be capable of doing. 

4/ If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to?

Hee, hee. Okay, let's have some fun.

I would go back to the time of the baby Jeebus. I would kidnap him and bring him back to the present. Then I would raise him as a typical, kid. None of that magic stuff. No expectations. He would refer to me as 'Mary', in the gay sense of the term, and I would be one of those mothers who talks shit about the kid's father in front of the kid, convincing him that his father is full of crap and he shouldn't listen or do anything the man tells him. 

And I would take his dad to court for big time child support. No way is the son of GAWD gonna be living in my crappy basement, wearing crap off the clearance racks at Target. 

Hopefully Jeebus, or whatever he chooses for a name, (yeah, take that you deadbeat dad!) would want to play soccer or wrestle. Maybe get involved with the A.V Club at school, or try-out for the spring musical. But no debate club.

And no social media. We don't need him starting a cult when he's 14. I would let him look at porn, though. Just as long as it's legal stuff and not violent.  

When it came time for college, his dad would have to pay for wherever he wants to go. No community college, for my kid... unless that's what he wants. Though I would have to put my foot down if he wanted to attend Falwell University or some shithole like that. I mean, come on, I want a kid who thinks for himself. 

And when he's 33? I will distract him with a trip around the world... flying from city to city - or maybe the kid would have figured out teleportation by then so we could avoid the whole TSA thing. 

I think Jeebus would end up being pansexual, but whatever... I would accept him for who and what he is (as long as it didn't involve crucifixion or making promises he doesn't keep) Me: "Are you coming, today? You said you'd be here yesterday to help me schlep all these boxes to Goodwill. You keep saying your coming back, and yet, you never do. I don't know if I can trust  you anymore. Eh. I'll talk to your father!"

He'd end up making a wonderful father to some kid... or maybe he would solve all the world's ills. I just think he'd be much more valuable alive, given his skill set. 

Of course, if I went back and kidnapped him, maybe there wouldn't BE any ills in the world for him to fix. I mean, yes, we'd still be dealing with that Old Testament BS, but maybe without that second book following it up, it would go the way of the Blackberry? 

The other possibility, of course is, if they didn't have Jeebus to hang all their fairytales on, they would just pick some other carpenter's kid to pin it on. So maybe this would be an exercise in futility. 

But... I do think it might be worth a try. 

5/ If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce?

There would be a no BS rule.

So... no religious institutions. No political parties. No division. No crappy entertainment news. Just facts. Everything based on science and common sense.

Everybody has an option to get what everybody else has. No superiority. You want a butt full of collagen? Yeah, we'll fix you up with a Kim Kardashian, no problemo.

We'd all have to be nice to one another and if Ethel, who lives in Apartment 3B, thinks she's an artist, then we are all going to find something nice to say about her 24' X 16' painting of what may, or may not be a kitten pooping out an ice cream cone. 

Yes! It's beautiful and a piece of art.

Which is total BS - so, there goes that rule. 

Unless it really was a beautiful painting of a kitten pooping out an ice cream cone?

Maybe there should simply be no rules.

6/ If you won the lottery, what would you be spending that money on?

First... I would not tell anyone. 

Collect the dough. Remain anonymous. Slowly make changes in my life in such a manner that no one would get suspicious. I would anonymously pay off the debts of all the people I care about. I would, within six months of winning, quietly retire from my job.

I might travel full-time, spending a month or so in a given city. I would hire an assistant. I would write while I traveled. I would pick a city and my assistant would make all the travel arrangements, decide where we eat, stay, do my shopping for me and edit what I wrote so it was correctly punctuated. When I wasn't writing, I would be on Grindr trying to hook-up with foreign men.

I would own nothing but a few articles of clothing, a laptop, and personal essentials. I would be mysterious and appear here and there, simply observing, sometimes wearing an obvious disguise. 

I think I'd leave the US behind - visiting it like I would a foreign country. This is such a fucked up country. I think it's beyond repair. It should be condemned. Razed to the ground. Handed back over the the Native Americans, who had such respect for the land and all the animals. Theirs is a spirituality I could actually get behind. 

I would. I would renounce my US citizenship.

So, I wouldn't be giving any of my money to causes, not here, in the US. I believe it would be a waste of money. And not to any US politicians either. That system? So beyond the pale.

Being an expatriate appeals to me. 

I think I would try helping the members of the LGBTQ community in third world countries. 

And when I grew too old to dream? I'd buy myself a gay piano bar and hire other people to manage everything... except the books. 

And the talent. 

And every night, I would pick a song and whoever was performing would have to sing it. 

7/ If you could go back in time to change one thing in your personal history, what would it be?

Easy.

When I was 18, I would have moved to New York City like my 36-year old boyfriend, who was this beautiful Italian actor, asked me to.  

I would have been brave and done something I really wanted to do. 

Then, three years down the line, when he kicked my ass out, I would have to stand on my own two feet... and maybe I would have ended up back in Minneapolis anyway, but at least I could say I lived in New York and I gave it my best shot. 

It's hard getting older realizing you never gave it your best shot.

8/ If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Do not disturb. Already very.

9/ If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? Why?

The Cars

You're Just What I Needed. Best Friend's Girl. 

That debut album is perfect. 

I wouldn't really come in handy until albums two and three. That's when I would assert myself and get some songs recorded. My first hit? (Boys All Make Passes At) The Girls With The Cat Eye Glasses

 

Yeah, long title... but you get the idea.

Then, during the recording of our fourth album, all hell would break loose and either Ric Ocasek or I would be forced out of the band to go solo. If Ric goes, then there is no Heartbeat City. We soldier on as a band without him and actually become a band, since everybody now has to step up their game in the wake of Ric leaving. Maybe we end up playing the ballroom circuit. It's okay. I would still have my pick of the male groupies.

If I'm the one forced out? I record two unsuccessful Bowie-inspired albums and then fade out until it's time for a reunion tour, during which I make a point of stepping off-stage anytime a song from Heartbreak City is played.

What? 

Nobody else thinks about things like this?

10/ If you could morph into an animal at will, which would it be?

I would want to live a long time and be able to fly and talk. So, I was going to say a wild parrot. 

But then, people are trigger happy, what with their love of guns for 'sport', so I don't know if I could handle all that anxiety. 

Being all colorful like that? 

Oh, yeah... people are gonna be gunning for me. 

--- ---

And on that note... sigh. 

That's all for now, dears. Your turn. Leave your answers in the comments section or post on your own blog and leave a link here. 

Thank you for your time and thank you for reading!

Have a lovely day.

If I Could Talk To The Animals - Sammy Davis, Jr.

When I Grow To Old To Dream - Linda Ronstadt