Dildo Do's and Don'ts: Isolation Makes for Strange Bedfellows

Isolation makes for strange bedfellows.

Literally.

I bought my first dildo at the start of the pandemic, March 1st.

I bought my second dildo yesterday.

Here are some things I learned along the way:

l Careful what you buy. Your eyes may be bigger than your hole. Better start small and then move up in size later. Your hole will thank you.

l Careful what you buy. Buy silicone. My new one is platinum cured silicone, satin smooth. It cost more, but is worth it.

l Careful what you buy. Look for ones that say ‘phthalate free’. Phthalates are dangerously toxic and will make you sick.

l Careful what you buy. Does it say ‘For Novelty Use Only’. Then it should not go up your ass, dear.

l Careful what you buy. This is going in your body. This is not the time to look for a bargain or play Mr. Pennypincher. You get what you pay for. Buy safety.

l Douche. Nobody, including your dildo, likes a dirty bottom.

l Put a rubber on it. You won’t notice the difference and Mr. Dildo won’t mind. This is for your dildo’s protection as well as yours.

l Clean it with soap and water before and after use.

l Buy one with a suction cup on the end so you can stick it to the wall of your shower or floor. It really changes things up - and variety is the key to a happy life.

l Getting it all in? Not that important. This is not an all or nothing kind of scenario. More important? Comfort, safety and fun. Think about the health of your hole; present and future.

l Open yourself up with your fingers and some lube before attempting to insert your dildo. Your hole will thank you.

My first dildo. I thought, oh, yeah… 9”. Bring it on. It was $43 and there wasn’t a lot of info on the label. Missing? What it was made of. I asked the clerk for help. He was no help. Got it home. Opened it up. Phew. It smelled - a harsh chemical smell, like a plastic factory. I knew that was not a good sign, as I had read up on what to avoid before going shopping. The site said that it shouldn’t smell and that the smell generally indicated that the material it was made of was not something you wanted in your butt. I washed it with soap and water and hoped for the best.

I was really excited to try it out. My attitude in the past had been that toys were for losers. Well, strange how your opinions can change as you age and/or are forced to turn down all offers of sexual intimacy due to a pandemic. Paint me a loser!

Anyway, I was so excited, I opened up my tub of Elbow Grease, slicked that sucker up, stuck it to the wall in my shower and began to ease my twitching rosebud upon its vaguely fleshy looking head. So excited, I didn’t put a condom on it. Thankfully, I had douched!

The width was a real issue. After about 15 minutes I realized that I needed to pencil in more time in order to accomplish this particular task. No problem. We’ll circle back later and get better acquainted. I did a thorough clean up with soap and water and moved my new friend into his new home: my sock drawer.

Within 20 minutes I was sick to my stomach. I thought about that smell. Those fumes were in me. This spell lasted well into the evening. I decided I best air Mr. Dildo out for awhile before attempting anything more.

Three days later, I washed it up and started the whole process again. Again, I forgot to put a condom on it, but I did douche. It was fun and going better this time… lots of Elbow Grease. And a little poppers. Then a lot of poppers. Oh, my. Yes, my eyes were way bigger than my hole. It was not the length… it was the width. By the time I was done, my poor hole was destroyed. It would be two weeks before I could play down there.

As I was cleaning up, I noticed that the lube had taken on the color of the dildo. Again. Not a good sign. That meant that whatever dye that was, whatever chemical? That was leaking into me, too. Fortunately, I did not get sick.

I made a note: put a condom on it.

Two weeks went by. My hole got happy again. We went for round three. I douched. I put a rubber on it. I opened myself up with my fingers first, using a generous amount of Elbow Grease. Then, I took a lot more time with the dildo, I did less poppers, and used more Elbow Grease. I changed things up. I stuck it to the shower wall, then laid on my back and manually manipulated it, then I stuck it to the floor and straddled it. I had a lot of fun. But I also destroyed my hole again, although, not nearly as bad as the first time. I cleaned things up with plenty of soap and water and put my big buddy to bed in my sock drawer.

And then I started thinking… maybe the first one you bring home is not necessarily the one you want to make your one and only. Yep, I was thinking of downsizing and going upscale.

Which I did. This time, I read the backs of the packages. That’s when I noticed that little disclaimer - For Novelty Use Only. I know the dildo industry is rife with crappy vendors, but I cannot figure out why my little gay boutique would sell such garbage. That’s when I noticed a different area in the store. These dildos were better packaged and much more subtle in their marketing. They were also more demure in scale.

I tried out my new friend last night. No poppers needed. And I had fun. Not my kind of fun. But it was fun. What it wasn’t was work! It felt more natural and was simply easier to use. Plus, this morning there’s still a lot of spring to my pucker.

So buyer beware.

I have a feeling this topic will end up being an entry in the Acquired Tastes series. But this will do for now.

Have some tips? Advice?

Leave it in the comments section. 

Jean Knight - Mr. Big Stuff